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Nice FJällräven Backpack, Name Three Fjords You’ve Traversed

Hey friend. I couldn’t help but notice that sweet, cherry red Fjällräven backpack you’re wearing. Nice to meet a fellow lover of the outdoors! I assume you’re on your way to train for this year’s dog sledding polar excursion. Oh, you’re not? Of course, you seem like more of a “trek to Abisko” kinda woman. Wait, what do you mean you just use your bag for books?

You must have been on one multi-Scandinavian excursion in your lifetime, right? Listen, if you’re going to wear that bag around with any integrity I’m going to need you to name three fjords you’ve traversed right now.

I’ll even give you partial credit if you can name just one majestic fjord. And don’t say the Sognefjord. That’s like the Beatles of elongated seas.

I can’t believe you’re just traipsing around campus without the slightest bit of reverence for what’s slung over your shoulder. Do you have any idea what it’s like to swim through bracing Nordic glacier water with nothing but your wits and a pair of $500 waterproof pants? I bet you don’t even wax your backpack.

One time my dad’s helicopter flew me into the Narvikfjellet ski resort, which is above the arctic circle, but my room wasn’t ready. I had to survive for two hours on nothing but my triple-down expedition jacket and a bag full of elk jerky. We may have the same Fjällräven backpack but we are not the same.

Listen, it’s fine that you got your little entry-level backpack because you liked the logo, but you have to understand that these are for people who take the outdoors seriously. You’re treading pretty close to stealing hiker valor.

Tell you what, once you’ve hiked 30 miles to the edge of a cliff overlooking Norway’s impeccable landscapes, then you’ll have earned the right to don mid-luxury travelware you clearly picked up at the mall on a whim. Sorry, what? Oh yeah, well of course I know Fjällräven is actually from Sweden. I just prefer Norwegian fjords.