The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Punk Show Upcharges On Ticket Price For Veterans

Posted on January 4, 2022 by James Knapp

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Promoters at a recent local show agreed that they would bump the door fee up three dollars for any individual who was a current or past member of the United States Armed Forces, arbitrarily defiant sources confirmed.

“We couldn’t ban the army guys from the show outright since that would make us, like, fascist probably, but we still want to make it clear that any blood-hungry peons of the military-industrial complex aren’t welcome in this scene. However, if they’re willing to shell out a few more bucks to help cover the touring band then I guess that makes up for all the drone strikes in Syria,” explained promoter Willy Gemarcus. “And yes, I do recognize the irony of having this show at a VFW hall. Look, if we had the resources to afford a venue not run by Nixon voters then I don’t think we’d have to upcharge anyone in the first place.”

Treasurer for VFW Hall No. 4664, Doug Stedder, explained his decision to allow the show to go on despite the apparent conflict of policy.

“As long as the hall gets our cut of the door and those kids remember to stack the chairs back up afterwards I could give a fuck what those gutter rats do,” remarked Stedder, dressed head to toe in VFW merch. “Dues have been down again lately and, since it doesn’t look like we’re gonna be getting any new wars anytime soon, I gotta do what I can to keep the lights on.”

Show attendee and former coast guard member Lilith Twent had a mixed reaction to the spike in ticket price for the show.

“In a way I do understand the punk scene’s tendency to view the military as a tool of imperialist subjugation by the big money elites and political stooges. But c’mon, three whole dollars! On a government salary, you’ve gotta be joking,” bemoaned Twent while searching for loose change
between her car seats. “I was just in the coast guard. The most we ever did was break up unruly party barges off the Jersey shore. It sucks that I have to pay the same as that metalhead marine with the necklace made out of human ears.”

The upcharge was further increased after the touring band requested an extra twenty bucks for “smokes and forties.”

We Look Back on “My So Called Life” Because We’ve Been Talking About 90s Shit for Like 5 Hours

Posted on January 4, 2022 by Tony Morse

As far as decades go, this one sucks pretty hard. A deadly pandemic has killed millions worldwide. A bunch of psychos LARPed overthrowing the government. Trapt has released new songs. When it comes to biting into steaming shit sandwiches, people of today sure are spoiled for choice. But you know what decade is always awesome? The 90s! Yep, nothing helps you forget about the ongoing collapse of civilization quite like singing along to Green Day while wearing a headband. Oh sick, someone just said, “Seether!”

God, we talked 90s for hours and hours. I mean, talk about the golden age of television! So many life lessons delivered in weekly thirty-minute installments. Remember how Tim Allen could solve a family conflict with some grunting sounds and a little wisdom from Wilson? Amazing. And what about the time “Saved By The Bell” taught us that caffeine pills were the most dangerous thing in life?

Anyway, hours into our nostalgia binge we ran out of Simpsons quotes. That’s when somebody brought up Jordan Catalano’s band. That’s right. Jordan from “My So Called Life.” Jordan’s band was named “Frozen Embryos,” which reminds us that the Supreme Court is about to overturn Roe v Wade. Kind of a buzzkill, but the 90s were carefree times and MSCL is proof! Angela Chase and her besties Rayanne and Rickie.

Rickie, who was tortured at school and wanted everyone to think he had the gun that went off in the hallway so his bullies would go away. And what about Rayanne? She threw a party! And went to the hospital for what was probably acute alcohol poisoning. Okay, back to Jordan. He was so dreamy! He also couldn’t read. Well, what about Angela? Who was devastated and betrayed when Rayanne got drunk and had sex with Jordan. Actually, this is just reminding us how awful the world is.

Hey, remember the 80s? Wanna do some coke and talk about them? The Facts of Life? Cheers? Anyone?

Travis Barker Spends Three Hours Every Morning Meticulously Reapplying All 107 Temporary Tattoos

Posted on January 4, 2022 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Highly distinguished drummer and body art curator Travis Barker recently admitted that he spends a good few hours every morning painstakingly reapplying every single one of his temporary tattoos before leaving the house, sources waiting for him to be finished in the bathroom confirmed.

“Let’s just say I take more time to get ready in the morning than Kourtney,” said Barker before asking someone close by if they could get his back. “I mean, sure, I could get real tats, but then what if I change my mind one day and want a little butterfly on my wrist or something? Fully tattooing every square inch of your entire body including your skull just seems like a huge commitment. Don’t get me wrong though, all of these temporary tattoos have a lot of meaning to me, just not in a ‘permanently engraved on your body’ kind of way. Also, I heard real ones hurt. No thank you.”

Friends of the Blink-182 drummer defended his commitment to the look.

“Say what you will, but Travis actually saves a ton of money by buying all of our ink designs in bulk,” said Barker’s temporary tattoo artist Jeannie Fishburne of Tattitude LLC. “He’s also been known to mix and match, so you’ll never actually see the same combination on his body on consecutive days. Except, of course, for that cryptic ‘Can I Say’ one on his chest. Evidently, he only meant to buy 100 of those in the late ‘90s, but we fucked up the order on our end and inadvertently sent him 100,000 instead. Unfortunately, we have a no-return policy and no one’s above it. Not even our high-profile regulars.”

Musicians have a history of going to extreme measures to maintain an image.

“You wouldn’t believe the lengths punks go to just to keep their whole vibe going,” said music historian Kate McBurgerbeams. “For instance, the Misfits spend hours applying American Crew styling gel to the front of their hair to get their famous devilock look. Kurt Cobain used to go store to store in search of jeans that were strategically ripped at the knee. And Henry Rollins goes to the gym. Absolutely bonkers behavior, right?”

In related news, former member of Blink-182 Tom DeLonge revealed that the lip ring he used to frequently wear was actually a clip-on.

First Chair Violinist Playing Bach in London Philharmonic Orchestra Suddenly Realizes He’s In a Cover Band

Posted on January 3, 2022 by John Danek

LONDON — Virtuoso violinist Hans Kriegsman came to the difficult realization that he plays in a glorified cover band while performing Bach’s “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring” with the London Philharmonic Orchestra, his fellow musicians reported.

“It hit me during the final notes of ‘Jesu’ — I had nailed a perfect performance yet again, when I suddenly realized that I’ve never played a note of original music in my life,” lamented first chair Kriegsman, who left his Bavarian village at the age of six to pursue the violin. “I… I am no different from Van Playin’, a Van Halen cover band who play every Monday night at the bar near my apartment in Notting Hill. I’m just a drone, a hack, a human Bluetooth speaker for bygone eras. Please, leave me be…”

Kriegsman’s fellow chairs in the violin section of the London Phil attempted to offer any consolation possible.

“It’s tough to watch someone realize for the first time that their entire career is devoted to playing covers for rubes who only want to hear the hits,” admitted third chair Sakura Yashimoto, the eldest musician in the orchestra. “Sure, it would be great to play some deep cuts like Liszt’s ‘Prometheus.’ Hell, I’ve been working on original disco-meets-drone-metal tunes which will never see the light of day. These dummies just want the comfort of the songs they hear in movie trailers every other month, so we suck it up and play Beethoven’s 5th Symphony four times a year.”

Van Playin’ frontman David Hoxbury is not ashamed but rather proud of his unabashed joy of playing music written by others.

“Bruv, my cover band packs the bar every Monday night like clockwork. But when I played in an original post-punk band? Couldn’t get one arse in the door to watch us fiddle with delay pedals,” said Hoxbury, who makes extra money on the side doing Cameos as a David Lee Roth impersonator. “There’s no shame in it. Hell, I’m proud to share old music with new generations. The London Philharmonic should wear powdered wigs and shit, to really convey the vibe to the crowd. We’re all going to die soon anyways.”

Distressed family members report that Kriegsman has quit the orchestra, sold his Stradivarius violin for money to buy modular synths, and has begun releasing original hyperpop songs to Bandcamp.

Crust Punk Horrified to Learn Where Dumpster Behind Burger King Gets Its Food

Posted on January 3, 2022 by Ben Friedman

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — A freegan crust punk was left horrified and repulsed after discovering where the food in the dumpster behind his local Burger King is procured, sources within the local scene have reported.

“For the past few weeks I really thought I had finally found a quality diving spot. It’s close to the interstate, gets replenished nightly, and it usually has those cinnamon sticks that I like. I just thought the Burger King in front of it was like some kind of front to keep people away. But yesterday I actually saw an employee come out of the back door and throw actual Burger King food into the dumpster. Talk about a wakeup call,” said Liam Olivieri while trying not to dry heave. “It really makes you take a step back and consider what we’re actually putting into our bodies. Had I known what was actually in that dumpster, I’d have just gone rooting through the garbage at the Shell station down the road.”

Employees of the Burger King were at a loss as to why Olivieri was so shocked that the dumpster contained their food.

“It’s pretty rich that some dude with infected tattoos is throwing a shitfit because the food he’s digging out of our trash matches the sign out front. The only reason he’s complaining is because he came in to use the bathroom and saw us painting the grill lines on the burgers,” said restaurant manager Ruth White. “What’s the point of dining out of trash bins when literal beggars are being choosers. But for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t eat this stuff either. Our cardboard crowns have more nutritional value than our fries.”

Freegans around the country are calling on Burger King and other bottom tier fast food restaurants to move towards more ethically sourced leftover scraps.

“Our lifestyle is all about cutting down our carbon footprint while simultaneously not giving a single dime to line some corporate asshole’s pockets. But how can we feel good about finishing someone else’s half eaten sandwich knowing it’s from an establishment best known for selling horse meat coated in 2,000 grams of sodium,” said dumpster diving activist Chip Ricardo. “People have a right to get their sustenance from a trash can without developing a cardiovascular disease while doing it.”

Due to public pressure, Burger King announced that it will begin listing the nutritional value and ingredients of all of their dumpsters by the end of 2022.

How the Radio Edit of Lil Jon’s “Get Low” Shielded Me From Misogyny by Changing the Word “Bitches” to “Females”

Posted on January 3, 2022 by Cathy Herbert

You can find the essence of a generation in its music. That’s why observing generational progress as a millennial woman is bittersweet. So many songs that seemed harmless growing up were actually saturated with everyday sexism. Amidst the misogynistic musical landscape, however, there were a few glimmering pockets of hope. Today, we celebrate one of those treasured beacons on the road to gender equality: the radio edit of Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz’ 2003 single, “Get Low.”

In its uncensored form, “Get Low” is extremely sexist solely because it includes the word “bitch.” Thanks to Lil Jon’s ability to reflect on his own art and the way it might be perceived by his audience, the radio edit switches the forbidden word to “females,” thus transforming it into a feminist masterpiece.

“Bitch” has long been used to disrespect women. Thank god the boys at my high school listened to CRUNK FM and heard Lil Jon referring to women as “females” instead of “bitches” in lyrics such as, “I like to see the female twerking” and “all you females crawl.” Otherwise, they may have felt comfortable disrespecting women. But they didn’t thanks to ambassador of positive masculinity, Lil Jon.

Other hip hop and pop stars of the early 2000s could take a lesson from the radio edit of “Get Low.” Because if your worldwide chart-topping hit about giving orders of a sexual nature to a large group of intoxicated women happens to use swear words to refer to those women… well I’m sorry but you’re just not an ally.

I’m so grateful to Lil Jon and every single one of the East Side Boyz for creating a little corner of the world where the girls of my generation could feel safe at a vulnerable stage of life. From the window to the walls, they truly provided us “females” a safe space.

Fade Into You Playing in Independent Coffee Shop for 110th Time Today

Posted on January 3, 2022 by Erin McLaughlin

PURCHASE, N.Y. — Local woman Elle Rice winced this morning while waiting for her black coffee refill as the song “Fade Into You” by Mazzy Star played for the fifth time since entering coffee shop, The Grind.

“I hate that it’s this Mazzy Star song in particular,” said Rice. “My college boyfriend always played it and I think it tricked me into thinking we were having OK sex. Can’t this barista play anything else? You’re telling me there’s not one My Bloody Valentine song or a Christmas piano album or even just another song from that Mazzy Star album anywhere on there that might make it into the mix?”

According to the barista in question, Nadira Safrin, the dream-pop hit playing for the 110th time before the lunch rush was out of her hands.

“Between churning out oat-milk matcha lattes, and guys in high-socks and black vans asking for my Instagram, I don’t have time to change the song,” she explained. “ Plus, my boss is the one who made the playlist and the one time that I tried to turn it off he didn’t let me bring home the compost for my succulents which is just an unreasonably dickish move. I’m honestly just trying to not give everyone I know COVID so our customers can overpay for coffee they don’t want to make, sorry.”

Local art history major and loyal customer, Aidan Welch, is firmly content about the song playing on repeat, with the hopes that it will guarantee him some indie-scene clout.

“I always bring my Tinder dates here and the song gives me the opportunity to explain Mazzy Star’s biography in full detail,” said Welch. “And better yet, I get to quiz them on how well they know early 90s alt-rock, dream pop, and folk neo-psychedelia. I wouldn’t want to waste my time with someone who doesn’t even know the song ‘Halah’… that’s what Mazzy Star’s other song is called.”

At press time, a Starbucks regular who was forced to use the free WiFi at The Grind because of a staff shortage at his preferred coffee shop has solemnly sworn off ever listening to a tambourine again.

Password Hint Only Making Things Worse

Posted on January 2, 2022 by Tyler Roland

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Insurance claims adjuster Jason Parkinson became frustrated this morning over the unhelpful password recovery hint that he created, which only made retrieving it worse, sympathetic sources verified.

“I was trying to log into my bank account the other day,” Parkinson sighed. “I had forgotten the password, which I came up with maybe fourteen years ago. So I ended up asking for the hint, and all I set for the hint was…‘you know this.’ What the fuck?! Ever since then, I’ve been trying to connect the dots between that statement and whatever it was that I made for an eight-letter, one-symbol, one-capital key.”

Parkinson’s spouse, Ray Davies, noted the tension created by the flippant hint.

“Jay’s pretty smart with recalling things most of the time, he remembered a song I was trying to find since 2009 when I was only able to somewhat hum the chorus. I guess he thought he’d never need this hint,” Davies explained. “Ever since this Achilles Heel was wounded we haven’t been the same — we’ve been checking out as ‘guest’ for almost every online purchase, and we abandoned our Roth IRA and have just started stashing cash in shoeboxes again.”

Data analyst Ben Vault notes that such boldness in setting hints for password recovery is commonplace.

“In this day and age, we have one, maybe two passwords for everything. If we forget them, we’re fucked, to put it lightly, so we have them hardwired. These hints are often unnecessary, so of course there’s the occasional ‘that thing you love’ or ‘I don’t need no goddamn hint!’ set by overconfident individuals,” Vault explained. “These cases, such as Parkinson’s, are caused by those that imagine themselves as rebels who can’t be kept in line by Big Password. However, with widespread usage of facial and fingerprint recognition, as well as human data-collecting at an all-time high, calamities like this one will become a thing of the past in no time.”

As of press time, Parkinson was seen accepting his fate with a groan and beginning the 27-step process of resetting his password.

Musician Would Kill for Crowd Like the One Gathered Outside CityMD

Posted on January 2, 2022 by Dianne Nora

BROOKLYN — Indie rock musician Kirby Wardle would do just about anything to get a crowd at one of his shows like the one currently gathered outside the CityMD on North 7th Street in Williamsburg, where he is currently waiting to take a PCR test for COVID-19.

“There are more people here than at all our shows in 2021 combined,” Wardle admitted, grabbing some of his band’s stickers from his backpack to hand to those near him in line. “I wish I could blame the small turnout on the pandemic, but it’s not like 2018 or 2019 were really much better. And it’s not just that there’s a lot of us–people are really paying attention. When the staff walks out to let us know how many more hours we’ll have to wait on line, most of us even looked up from our phones.”

Alanna Torres, another woman waiting in line at CityMD, confirmed Wardle’s assessment that the crowd was eager and enthusiastic.

“I don’t even really think I was exposed to the virus,” Torres admitted, lowering her mask to whisper more discreetly. “I live a few blocks away, and I saw on Instagram that the line out here was insane, so I put on a little brow gel and headed outside. There was nothing good on TV, and basically everyone I know got COVID at parties last week that I apparently wasn’t invited to, so I figured the odds were better I’d meet someone out here than on Hinge. And it’s totally working! That cute guy in the beanie totally coughed at me.”

Arisha Beltran, an events promoter who follows the indie arts scene in New York, said there are many aspects of CityMD’s promotion that musicians could learn from.

“The artists who’ve really been able to break out in this time are being strategic about how they get word out about their work,” Beltran said. “CityMD has been able to cultivate demand and even an air of mystery by making the fans work for information and access. They’re getting a ton of engagement across socials, because they are this moment. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ll be collaborating with Phoebe Bridgers or even Taylor Swift within the next year.”

At press time, Wardle was walking up and down the line, asking the hundreds of people waiting to stream his band on Spotify, claiming that “iIf a few hundred of these people listen even once, we could make almost fifty cents.”

How To Act Like You Have a Career in Music When You Really Just Sell Pedals on Reverb for a Loss

Posted on January 2, 2022 by John Danek

The music industry is cruel and brutal. Naive people attempt to find stable careers only to find out no one wants to pay you for anything music-related. Ever. And before you know it, you quit your unpaid Universal Music Group internship after 3 years and need to sell off your guitar gear for far less than you paid.

But hey- isn’t that sort of a job itself? Of course it is! Here are tips for acting like this pathetic grab at a few bucks is a career in music.

Go to the NAMM Show
The National Association of Music Merchants convention is a who’s who of poor financial decisions. You belong here. Print up business cards and take out more loans for a plane ticket to sunny Anaheim, CA. And if you get intimidated while strolling around on the floor, remember that everyone around you is operating at a net loss too.

Start a YouTube Channel
Branch out into other social media platforms to create the facade that you know what you’re talking about. Create demos of each pedal where you gush about how transparent or inspiring it is, then sell it for 40% of the average selling price because you need cash ASAP.

Buy a Klon Centaur
The Klon Centaur is the most legendary, overpriced guitar pedal ever made. They cost thousands and thousands of dollars and barely do anything to your guitar tone. I don’t care if you need to sell your roommate’s kidney, get one. It is a mark of legitimacy on your fake career. (But only the gold horsie one, the others are bullshit.)

Remember That It’s All About the Music
Never lose sight of the fact that your miserable, depressing career choices started with a genuine admiration for music. You dedicated your life to this field because you kinda liked that Sum 41 album “Does This Look Infected?” when you were 11. In the years since, you tried to delude yourself into liking Clapton, Sun Ra, Neko Case, and other “cool” artists while you struggled to make rent. But next time you need to ask your parents for another thousand bucks, blast “The Hell Song” to psych yourself up instead.

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