IOWA CITY, Iowa — Promoters at a recent local show agreed that they would bump the door fee up three dollars for any individual who was a current or past member of the United States Armed Forces, arbitrarily defiant sources confirmed.
“We couldn’t ban the army guys from the show outright since that would make us, like, fascist probably, but we still want to make it clear that any blood-hungry peons of the military-industrial complex aren’t welcome in this scene. However, if they’re willing to shell out a few more bucks to help cover the touring band then I guess that makes up for all the drone strikes in Syria,” explained promoter Willy Gemarcus. “And yes, I do recognize the irony of having this show at a VFW hall. Look, if we had the resources to afford a venue not run by Nixon voters then I don’t think we’d have to upcharge anyone in the first place.”
Treasurer for VFW Hall No. 4664, Doug Stedder, explained his decision to allow the show to go on despite the apparent conflict of policy.
“As long as the hall gets our cut of the door and those kids remember to stack the chairs back up afterwards I could give a fuck what those gutter rats do,” remarked Stedder, dressed head to toe in VFW merch. “Dues have been down again lately and, since it doesn’t look like we’re gonna be getting any new wars anytime soon, I gotta do what I can to keep the lights on.”
Show attendee and former coast guard member Lilith Twent had a mixed reaction to the spike in ticket price for the show.
“In a way I do understand the punk scene’s tendency to view the military as a tool of imperialist subjugation by the big money elites and political stooges. But c’mon, three whole dollars! On a government salary, you’ve gotta be joking,” bemoaned Twent while searching for loose change
between her car seats. “I was just in the coast guard. The most we ever did was break up unruly party barges off the Jersey shore. It sucks that I have to pay the same as that metalhead marine with the necklace made out of human ears.”
The upcharge was further increased after the touring band requested an extra twenty bucks for “smokes and forties.”