The music industry is cruel and brutal. Naive people attempt to find stable careers only to find out no one wants to pay you for anything music-related. Ever. And before you know it, you quit your unpaid Universal Music Group internship after 3 years and need to sell off your guitar gear for far less than you paid.
But hey- isn’t that sort of a job itself? Of course it is! Here are tips for acting like this pathetic grab at a few bucks is a career in music.
Go to the NAMM Show
The National Association of Music Merchants convention is a who’s who of poor financial decisions. You belong here. Print up business cards and take out more loans for a plane ticket to sunny Anaheim, CA. And if you get intimidated while strolling around on the floor, remember that everyone around you is operating at a net loss too.
Start a YouTube Channel
Branch out into other social media platforms to create the facade that you know what you’re talking about. Create demos of each pedal where you gush about how transparent or inspiring it is, then sell it for 40% of the average selling price because you need cash ASAP.
Buy a Klon Centaur
The Klon Centaur is the most legendary, overpriced guitar pedal ever made. They cost thousands and thousands of dollars and barely do anything to your guitar tone. I don’t care if you need to sell your roommate’s kidney, get one. It is a mark of legitimacy on your fake career. (But only the gold horsie one, the others are bullshit.)
Remember That It’s All About the Music
Never lose sight of the fact that your miserable, depressing career choices started with a genuine admiration for music. You dedicated your life to this field because you kinda liked that Sum 41 album “Does This Look Infected?” when you were 11. In the years since, you tried to delude yourself into liking Clapton, Sun Ra, Neko Case, and other “cool” artists while you struggled to make rent. But next time you need to ask your parents for another thousand bucks, blast “The Hell Song” to psych yourself up instead.