Capitol Police Request Urgent Mental Health Resources to Recover from January 6th Hamilton Performance

Posted on by Contributor

WASHINGTON — Representatives from the Capitol Police force requested funding for urgent mental health care for all the officers who responded to today’s presentation from Lin-Manuel Miranda and the cast of Hamilton as part of the commemoration of the January 6th attack at the Capitol.

“Our officers have faced threats to their lives, but nothing could have prepared us for the horror of what was shown to us over Zoom,’ this is truly a sad day,” said Chief Rodney Fuller, still shaking from the experience of viewing cast members of the Broadway musical perform the track “Dear Theodosia.” “I know that years from now, when I try to sleep, I’ll still have nightmares about January 6th, as in today. It’s too late for me, but I’m hoping with help, some of my fellow officers might be able to still live productive, meaningful lives, and maybe even one day experience joy again.”

Local punk Olivia Orozco was unmoved by law enforcement officials’ calls for mental health counseling.

“These cops got exactly what they deserved. They have inflicted so much trauma on this city and I hope their cries for help fall on deaf ears,” said Orozco. “I hope they are subjected to more terrible online performances, I hope they are forced to take those performances home with them. I will personally see to it that every police officer across the country is forced to watch live musical theater over a video conference.”

At press time, a bipartisan committee was immediately formed to investigate the organizers of today’s terrible attack on the Capitol and bring them to justice.

We Interviewed the Wrong Machine Gun Kelly and Now We’re On the Run From the Feds in 1930s Kansas

Posted on by James Knapp

Machine Gun Kelly has been getting a lot of press lately and, as the foremost source of punk rock news, The Hard Times felt it was our obligation to interview him about whatever comically watered down, commercially palatable version of punk people seem to think he does.

Well, guess we got our facts wrong this time because, instead of spending the afternoon listening to hipster nonsense in some artisan crackhouse, we appear to have stumbled into a portal through time and space. Yes, we know, you’re all very disappointed the interview didn’t work out. But perhaps as a consolation we can tell you about life on the run from the FBI with the real gangster Machine Gun Kelly.

After it became apparent that our prepared research wasn’t going to cut it, as no one in this era has any time to care about all that shit, we figured we tried a more gonzo approach and actually observed the depression era MGK doing what he usually does. An hour later we had taken three hostages in a bank vault and were rocking a fedora with a confidence we had never before known.

Since then it’s been pretty much nonstop driving our Buick Roadster through cornfields, robbing fatcats, getting into sporadic shootouts with pursuing G-men and, whenever we have a free minute, trying to figure out how to get back through the time portal.

At the moment we’re currently fleeing our last safehouse after the Feds tracked us down using the most advanced forensic investigative techniques – a chicken farmer named Cletus who can identify tire tracks by smell. With him on their side the coppers have really got us on the run now and we may have to take more hostages for reasons other than just cause we felt like it.

I don’t think I can go back to 21st century life after this. I am still going to try to get the time portal working, but only to live out my childhood dream of living in the old wild west. I’ve instructed Western Union to deliver this draft to my editor at his office exactly 90 years from today. Bill, if you’re reading this, don’t look for me. Also maybe email the real Machine Gun Kelly, he’s probably pissed.

City Declares New Park Open With Ceremonial White Guy Slacklining Between Two Trees

Posted on by James Webster

AUSTIN, Texas — Outdoor enthusiasts gathered today to celebrate the opening of a brand new multi-use outdoor space by watching a shitty-looking white guy perform a traditional slacklining ceremony, semi-enthused witnesses confirmed.

“It’s a real pleasure to have everyone here today,” said Austin Mayor Steve Alder. “It’s been a long time coming. There were moments during the construction that we never thought we’d get here. Through lots of hard work we are now able to watch these young men with below-average personal hygiene do whatever this is. Maybe they will inspire a new generation of people to drop out of improv class and start a compost pile somewhere. It is my belief as mayor that all the citizens of our fair city need somewhere to enjoy the great outdoors, and maybe have a conversation with a kind neighbor, like a young white man with dreadlocks named Tag.”

Residents, while happy about the opening of the park, were slightly confused about the opening ceremonies.

“Do they expect us all to do this? Because this looks really fucking stupid and I don’t want my bare feet touching anything those guys touched,” said Leo Guerrero. “Back in the day these kinds of ceremonies meant something. It would be a display of everything the city has to offer: there would be at least one guy in a mascot costume, you could try the food trucks before the department of sanitation shuts them down, and the police get to show that they can go an hour without killing someone. But this? Two white guys walking a tightrope between a tree? I don’t want my tax dollars going to this. Actually, I could probably make those tax dollars back by just overcharging those two for an eighth.”

Local historians confirmed, however, that slacklining has a storied place in the town’s history.

“It’s an essential part of who we are as a city,” said Jonah Osbourne, a Texas historian and small-batch IPA homebrewer. “Ever since our forefathers began to push the indigenous populations out of their homes in the name of cheaper rent, we’ve been playing hacky sack, giving unsolicited advice about psychedelics, and slacklining in public parks before going back to our exposed-brick apartments. It’s a rich tradition that goes all the way back to the central-Texas tech boom of the 1990s.”

At press time, Mayor Alder was using a pair of novelty-sized scissors to cut the slackline while the two men were walking it, sending them both crashing to the ground.

We Ranked a Bunch of IPAs Because We Needed a Personality and It Was This or Car Guy

Posted on by Dan Rice

Having hobbies and interests is an important part of blending into society, but finding out what your passion is, as rewarding as I’m sure that is, feels like a daunting task. My entire persona used to be “having tattoos” but that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Luckily, society still offers up a few defaults for us “NPC” types.

After factoring in my gender, sexual orientation, race, intellect, and body type I’ve narrowed my accepted personality defaults down to “IPA guy” and “car guy.” Well, I’ve never been good with tools, and I am thirsty, so IPA guy it is! Here’s my ranking of some of the top IPA’s on the market. I’m a big IPA guy.

New England Brewing Co. G-Bot
This simcoe-heavy double IPA delivers a big citrus flavor with a delightfully floral finish, apparently. I don’t know, to be honest it tastes like drinking liquid brown shoe leather, just like every other beer on this list, but cultivating interests is hard and I don’t know the first thing about cars so fuck yeah, simcoe hops!

Dogfish Head 60 Minute
This little number caught my attention because I recognized the logo from a t-shirt I saw some guy wearing once. The guy seemed to be generally regarded as cool so I guess this beer is cool. Truth be told I did not enjoy it, but it beats learning what a catalytic converter is I guess.

This beer is called 60 minute because that’s how long it takes to drink one if you’re really trying. They make another one called 90 minute that’s even worse. I love this stuff.

Lawson’s Finest Liquids Sip of Sunshine
I call this one “ole reliable” because when I brought it to the counter the clerk said “ah, the ole reliable huh?” and I nodded like I knew what he was talking about. It is incredibly difficult to drink, but I hate those Fast and Furious movies, so I guess I’m “here for it.”

Stone Brewing Ruination 2.0
God, I feel horrible. Is it possible to be allergic to hoppy beer? My stomach feels like it has a frozen pine cone lodged in it, which to clarify for the uninitiated is incredibly bad. Cars are fucking stupid though, so this beer is a must-have.

Lagunitas IPA
Okay really starting to wish I knew what some other types of beer are because being an IPA guy is WORK. I just threw up and it tasted exactly the same as it did going down, which is to say God awful. Well, I’m not mechanically inclined, so Lagunitas IPA: 5 Stars.

Aston Martin DB5
Yup, could not swallow another drop of IPA, so I’m a car guy now. This is the car that James Bond drives, which is a pretty big deal to us car guys, or “car heads” as we prefer to be called.

This was maybe not the best idea since I’m pretty drunk at this point and I don’t even really know how to drive in the first place but fuck it. I would rather die in a fiery wreck than force down one more sip of shitty, shitty IPA beer. Paul Walker, here I come!

Bassist Officially Masters the Instrument 16 Minutes Into First Lesson

Posted on by Peter Woods

APPLETON, Wis. — Teenage prodigy Shari Ford is being hailed as the next great bassist after mastering the electric bass guitar 16 minutes into her very first lesson, sources close to the low-end wunderkind confirmed.

“I thought I was done playing music once I gave up on piano after trying for six months straight because it was so stinkin’ hard,” said Ford, who has already booked studio sessions with multiple big named artists. “I found out pretty quickly that all you have to do is hold down one of the strings on the fret with one hand and then hit the string using the pick with the other hand by going up and down and you’re pretty much set. Honestly, I feel a little silly that it even took me 16 minutes, I could have probably done it in 10 if I focused a bit more.”

Bass instructor Armando Gilbert says mastering the bass is relatively common, but Ford was able to do it faster than any of his previous students.

“16 minutes is probably a record for one of my students,” said Gilbert. “I do my best to try to stretch it out. I show them a bunch of sheet music to try to confuse them and then talk about how there are basses with way more than four strings. That usually ties them up for a while and I can get their parents to agree to a few more lessons, but they eventually catch on to the fact that I’m stalling and all you have to do is try out frets until it sounds good and pluck in rhythm.”

“Not to mention no one is ever going to hear you in the mix, so you’re really only there to scam more drink tickets,” added Gilbert.

However, some bassists have begun to question the legitimacy of Ford’s claim.

“No way she mastered it that fast,” said Flea, bassist for legendary rock and roll band Red Hot Chili Peppers. “Sure, they can probably pick a few notes, but have they learned slap bass yet? You haven’t tamed this dragon until you can slap and pop. When I was learning to play bass, it took me at least 45 minutes to get that down and my teacher said I was the fastest student ever. So let’s just wait to see how long it takes her to get that down before going wild here.”

At press time, Ford is claiming that she is “looking for something a bit more challenging than the bass,” and recently announced plans to try playing noise music.

Man Can’t Decide Whether To Pronounce Foreign Word Like an Asshole or an Idiot

Posted on by Brandon Talley

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local man Jeff Beeswick reportedly can’t decide whether to pronounce foreign words like some sort of pompous asshole or an uncultured idiot while dining at an Italian restaurant, several judgmental sources confirmed.

“This hardly seems fair. I’m being penalized for doing research. I watched five different YouTube videos on pronunciation so I didn’t accidentally insult an entire country’s culture, but now I’m realizing I’ll just end up looking like the type of person that won’t shut up about Mensa. Why didn’t somebody warn me?” Beeswick stated, while periodically trying out different pronunciations of “amatriciana.” “The waiter is staring at me like I’m wasting his time, but I know how it works. If I don’t say it correctly I’m gonna look like the type of person who only does missionary and this guy is going to make fun of me to all the cool chefs in the back. But if the table next to me hears me try to roll my r’s they’re gonna think I’m compensating for something. This is high school all over again.”

Others at the scene further confirmed these events, but were less than sympathetic to Beeswick’s situation.

“That fucking guy would not order his food. Go ahead, take your time while I’m trying to juggle eight other tables, that’s clearly not annoying,” said impatient waiter Michael Shelton. “I don’t have time for that. Just order, because I’ve heard it all and couldn’t care less how you’re going to say it. Unless you say it totally wrong. Or if you try, but it kinda sounds weird. And I guess also if you say it with a flawless accent, because who the hell do you think you are?”

Experts are quick to point out that the population will be forced to adapt to this growing issue as culinary globalization continues.

“Everybody needs to start taking themselves and pronunciation a lot more seriously. Not that most people can say these words correctly even if they do try,” stated language coach Simon Montet. “It takes years of study and practice to pronounce these things correctly. That’s why I find it helpful to lean over to the table next to mine while they’re ordering and correct peoples’ pronunciation. Everybody has to do their part if we want to become a civilized society.”

At press time, Beeswick had made plans to give up on language entirely and just point to what he wanted on the menu.

Recently Exonerated Shaggy Releases New Book, “If It Was Me, Here’s How It Happened”

Posted on by James Knapp

KINGSTON, Jamaica — Reggae singer and exonerated philanderer Shaggy released a tell-all book recently titled “If It Was Me, Here’s How It Happened,” in response to accusations that it was, in fact, him bangin’ on the bathroom floor that fateful day.

“After years of accusations and hearsay and spare keys being entered into evidence I just want to put this whole mess behind me. That’s why I wrote this book, to finally set the record straight about how, hypothetically, my bare ass could have ended up in all those pictures,” explained Shaggy, flanked by his defense attorneys. “Now, obviously, I would never actually cheat on my girl. It’s unthinkable… unless you think about it. Then it should be considered pretty impressive that, if it was me, I had the virility to smash on the floor, couch, counter, in the shower and I would guess, like, three other places that didn’t make it into the song.”

Shaggy’s former partner, who wished to remain nameless, gave her perspective on the book which just reached number one on the New York Times Bestseller list.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly how it happened. You guys know he’s guilty, right?” she said. “I never took my eyes off that lying motherfucker. I thought I had him caught red-handed but apparently the courts have decided otherwise — I’m actually still unclear on how that works exactly.”

Alleged Shaggy fucker, the girl next door, attested a different version of events than detailed in the now National Book Award nominated tell-all.

“First of all, I want to clarify that we were not banging on the bathroom floor, I was just helping him look for his contact lens. And second, it was technically the linen closet floor,” she said after requesting that her identity be withheld. “He’s not even denying the right stuff in this book. Shaggy should at least know how to not admit to the real things he really didn’t actually do.”

At press time, Shaggy vowed to spend the rest of his life “tracking down whoever it really was” and bringing them to justice.

5 Songs That Could Stand To Be a Little More Like Onyx’s “Slam”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Hey songwriters! You wanna improve your chops? You wanna write a song that connects with the audience on an emotional level while staying stuck in their head for days? Well, listen up because you could learn a thing or two from a little song called “Slam.”

This Onyx track has more than anything a song could need, but what makes it truly special is one thing it doesn’t have: Pretension. Unlike so many other equally iconic songs, “Slam” lacks any sense of musical snobbery, which serves as a lesson to songwriters everywhere. Abandon your preconceived notions of art and just make something enjoyable to listen to. Don’t try to control your art. In other words, let the boys be boys.

Here are five other songs that could stand to be a little more like “Slam” by Onyx.

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” – Nirvana
Some believe this was the best song of the ‘90s. But how could that be when only one person is singing throughout the entire song? By my count, “Slam” has 20 or 30 people either rapping, doing backup vocals, or simply providing enthusiastic “yeahs” at just the right moments. Plus, “Slam” has a straightforward, clear message. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is about… well I think it’s about, like… hmm. Actually, I’m not sure. Oh well. Whatever. Never mind.

“Anarchy in the UK” – Sex Pistols
I bet you lived your whole life thinking the Pistols were hardcore until you watched the “Slam” music video with all the slam dancing and crowd surfing and you realized that Onyx was the true embodiment of punk this whole time. This video is anarchy in the US. Take note, Mr. Lydon.

“Motion Sickness” – Phoebe Bridgers
Great tune, but what this song lacks is a bunch of people in the back of the track continuously shouting “da duh duh, da duh duh.” I mean, how else am I supposed to get pumped up for what you’re singing about? Let’s not overcomplicate songwriting here.

“All You Need Is Love” – The Beatles
There are only so many hours you can live on mere love alone. At some point, you’ll need booze too. That’s what this Beatles song gets wrong. And what about your actual basic needs? Let’s just say Onyx would never mislead you like John Lennon clearly did.

“All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” – Taylor Swift
I’m sorry. How long is this song? “Slam” clocks in at a cool three minutes and thirty-eight seconds, which is the perfect track length. One second fewer is just lazy and anything more is trying too hard. No song should be the length of a Quibi show. Onyx gets that.

Metronome Doesn’t Know What More It Can Do to Show Idiot How to Keep Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

AUSTIN, Texas — A metronome at Austin’s Northside Music Academy doesn’t know what more it can do to show the idiot using it, Kyle Tulridge, how to keep time while working on the same guitar sequence of Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” for three lessons in a row.

“Listen, what I do is teach people how to keep regular time in the course of performing music,” said the metronome, wincing at Tulridge’s most recent attempt to transition from a G to C chord. “I’m basically the physical incarnation of eurhythmics. But there’s limits on what I can do, and if that fucking idiot can’t figure out one the literally easiest things in the world to keep a regular rhythm to, I don’t know what to tell you. I may be just an adjustable weight on an inverted pendulum, but even I have limits.”

“God, I don’t even want to know what it looks like when that clown dances,” the metronome added.

Luis Alvarez, the part-time guitar teacher instructing Tulridge, expressed similar frustration.

“I try to be optimistic and encouraging to all of my students,” Alvarez said, staring into the middle distance as Tulridge briefly paused to look at a passing bird through a window. “But I’d be a liar if I said there weren’t some real nitwits in here. I really only took this job since touring gigs are pretty scarce right now, but this may not be worth it. I always like to say, when it comes to timing, the metronome speaks for itself. But it doesn’t deserve what Kyle is doing to it. It may be but a machine, but it has to feel what’s happening to it.”

For his part, Tulridge remained unaware of the increasing tension in the practice room.

“I think I’m really getting it!” Tulridge said while quickly cycling through 4/4, 12/8 and then forgetting to keep strumming. “At first, I had a really hard time getting into it, but like Luis said, all I have to do is keep counting the ticks and the tocks and I’ll be a regular Joe Satriani in no time!”

As of press time, a nearby guitar tuner had begun quivering in fear as Tulridge approached.

5 Lifehacks That Don’t Work but Might Help Distract You From Your Dumb, Broken Life for Like Twenty Minutes

Posted on by James Knapp

We all know life is full of little annoyances that only exist to make things a little more difficult. Not that it matters anyway – because with your stupid life, trying any of these would be the equivalent of bringing a kitchen dustpan to glass factory explosion. Whatever. Here’s five things that aren’t gonna help you.

1. Organize your closet by color to make things easier to find
Are you constantly running late because you can’t find that perfect outfit that you could have sworn you just put away yesterday? Well, no, you’re constantly running late because you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate of others, but fuck it, let’s pin it all on clothes for a hot second.

The act of actually sorting through all your clothes and arranging them by color might make you avoid thinking about the $6,000 in credit card debt you racked up buying all this shit in the first place.

2. Lemon and baking soda make a great all-natural deodorant
You suck. But you also stink, like literally. Instead of using a chemical-filled de-stenchifier that actually works, this life hack is a great way to feel like you’ve accomplished something. You still suck and you just can’t get it together, but hey, you don’t smell as bad.

3. Suck on a penny to pass a breathalyzer test
Let’s face it, if you’re even considering trying this one then this isn’t your first DUI and it won’t be the last. Well go ahead, give it a try. Maybe sucking on copper for a while will help you understand why you were kicked out of your nephew’s bar mitzvah in the first place.

4. Store batteries in the refrigerator to make them last longer
Whatever. We don’t even want to write anything for this one. There’s just, we don’t know, like no point. No point to anything anymore.

5. You can uncork a bottle of wine using a hammer and nail
Are you the classy kind of alcoholic? Of course not, you don’t even own a proper corkscrew. Well at least now you can fool yourself into thinking you know a party trick while being rushed to the ER with the shards of a shattered Chianti bottle lodged in your hand. We’re sure that everyone in the ICU will be super impressed.

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