AUSTIN, Texas — A metronome at Austin’s Northside Music Academy doesn’t know what more it can do to show the idiot using it, Kyle Tulridge, how to keep time while working on the same guitar sequence of Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” for three lessons in a row.
“Listen, what I do is teach people how to keep regular time in the course of performing music,” said the metronome, wincing at Tulridge’s most recent attempt to transition from a G to C chord. “I’m basically the physical incarnation of eurhythmics. But there’s limits on what I can do, and if that fucking idiot can’t figure out one the literally easiest things in the world to keep a regular rhythm to, I don’t know what to tell you. I may be just an adjustable weight on an inverted pendulum, but even I have limits.”
“God, I don’t even want to know what it looks like when that clown dances,” the metronome added.
Luis Alvarez, the part-time guitar teacher instructing Tulridge, expressed similar frustration.
“I try to be optimistic and encouraging to all of my students,” Alvarez said, staring into the middle distance as Tulridge briefly paused to look at a passing bird through a window. “But I’d be a liar if I said there weren’t some real nitwits in here. I really only took this job since touring gigs are pretty scarce right now, but this may not be worth it. I always like to say, when it comes to timing, the metronome speaks for itself. But it doesn’t deserve what Kyle is doing to it. It may be but a machine, but it has to feel what’s happening to it.”
For his part, Tulridge remained unaware of the increasing tension in the practice room.
“I think I’m really getting it!” Tulridge said while quickly cycling through 4/4, 12/8 and then forgetting to keep strumming. “At first, I had a really hard time getting into it, but like Luis said, all I have to do is keep counting the ticks and the tocks and I’ll be a regular Joe Satriani in no time!”
As of press time, a nearby guitar tuner had begun quivering in fear as Tulridge approached.