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We Ranked a Bunch of IPAs Because We Needed a Personality and It Was This or Car Guy

Having hobbies and interests is an important part of blending into society, but finding out what your passion is, as rewarding as I’m sure that is, feels like a daunting task. My entire persona used to be “having tattoos” but that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Luckily, society still offers up a few defaults for us “NPC” types.

After factoring in my gender, sexual orientation, race, intellect, and body type I’ve narrowed my accepted personality defaults down to “IPA guy” and “car guy.” Well, I’ve never been good with tools, and I am thirsty, so IPA guy it is! Here’s my ranking of some of the top IPA’s on the market. I’m a big IPA guy.

New England Brewing Co. G-Bot

This simcoe-heavy double IPA delivers a big citrus flavor with a delightfully floral finish, apparently. I don’t know, to be honest it tastes like drinking liquid brown shoe leather, just like every other beer on this list, but cultivating interests is hard and I don’t know the first thing about cars so fuck yeah, simcoe hops!

Dogfish Head 60 Minute
This little number caught my attention because I recognized the logo from a t-shirt I saw some guy wearing once. The guy seemed to be generally regarded as cool so I guess this beer is cool. Truth be told I did not enjoy it, but it beats learning what a catalytic converter is I guess.

This beer is called 60 minute because that’s how long it takes to drink one if you’re really trying. They make another one called 90 minute that’s even worse. I love this stuff.

Lawson’s Finest Liquids Sip of Sunshine
I call this one “ole reliable” because when I brought it to the counter the clerk said “ah, the ole reliable huh?” and I nodded like I knew what he was talking about. It is incredibly difficult to drink, but I hate those Fast and Furious movies, so I guess I’m “here for it.”

Stone Brewing Ruination 2.0
God, I feel horrible. Is it possible to be allergic to hoppy beer? My stomach feels like it has a frozen pine cone lodged in it, which to clarify for the uninitiated is incredibly bad. Cars are fucking stupid though, so this beer is a must-have.

Lagunitas IPA
Okay really starting to wish I knew what some other types of beer are because being an IPA guy is WORK. I just threw up and it tasted exactly the same as it did going down, which is to say God awful. Well, I’m not mechanically inclined, so Lagunitas IPA: 5 Stars.

Aston Martin DB5
Yup, could not swallow another drop of IPA, so I’m a car guy now. This is the car that James Bond drives, which is a pretty big deal to us car guys, or “car heads” as we prefer to be called.

This was maybe not the best idea since I’m pretty drunk at this point and I don’t even really know how to drive in the first place but fuck it. I would rather die in a fiery wreck than force down one more sip of shitty, shitty IPA beer. Paul Walker, here I come!