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5 Lifehacks That Don’t Work but Might Help Distract You From Your Dumb, Broken Life for Like Twenty Minutes

We all know life is full of little annoyances that only exist to make things a little more difficult. Not that it matters anyway – because with your stupid life, trying any of these would be the equivalent of bringing a kitchen dustpan to glass factory explosion. Whatever. Here’s five things that aren’t gonna help you.

1. Organize your closet by color to make things easier to find
Are you constantly running late because you can’t find that perfect outfit that you could have sworn you just put away yesterday? Well, no, you’re constantly running late because you’re irresponsible and inconsiderate of others, but fuck it, let’s pin it all on clothes for a hot second.

The act of actually sorting through all your clothes and arranging them by color might make you avoid thinking about the $6,000 in credit card debt you racked up buying all this shit in the first place.

2. Lemon and baking soda make a great all-natural deodorant
You suck. But you also stink, like literally. Instead of using a chemical-filled de-stenchifier that actually works, this life hack is a great way to feel like you’ve accomplished something. You still suck and you just can’t get it together, but hey, you don’t smell as bad.

3. Suck on a penny to pass a breathalyzer test

Let’s face it, if you’re even considering trying this one then this isn’t your first DUI and it won’t be the last. Well go ahead, give it a try. Maybe sucking on copper for a while will help you understand why you were kicked out of your nephew’s bar mitzvah in the first place.

4. Store batteries in the refrigerator to make them last longer
Whatever. We don’t even want to write anything for this one. There’s just, we don’t know, like no point. No point to anything anymore.

5. You can uncork a bottle of wine using a hammer and nail

Are you the classy kind of alcoholic? Of course not, you don’t even own a proper corkscrew. Well at least now you can fool yourself into thinking you know a party trick while being rushed to the ER with the shards of a shattered Chianti bottle lodged in your hand. We’re sure that everyone in the ICU will be super impressed.