The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

These 6 Words Could Be Sabotaging You at Job Interviews, but They’re Pretty Obvious, Like the First One Is “Fuckpie”

Posted on January 9, 2022 by Dan Rice

When it comes to getting hired, being the best candidate on paper is only half the battle. There is a certain art to giving the perfect job interview. If you’re good at it you can find yourself rising well above your station, but if you’re the type of person who doesn’t interview well then all of the qualifications in the world can’t save you.

If you’re constantly getting turned down from jobs that you know you would be a perfect fit for, it may be time to change up your interview game. Here are six words you may not be realizing are sabotaging you in front of potential employers. Gotta be honest though, these are all pretty obvious, and this list probably won’t be super helpful.

Honestly if you actually do any of these, you have a much much longer way to go before you’re hireable or maybe even presentable to the public at large.

1. Fuckpie
I mean, yeah, don’t say “fuckpie” at an interview for a goddamn job. This really should not come as a shock to anyone. Don’t do it.

Okay on the off chance you’re struggling with this one, put yourself in the employer’s shoes. You’ve narrowed your search down to two equally qualified candidates. One of them is normal, the other tosses around “fuckpie” all willy-nilly in a professional setting. You get it right?

2. Dipshit
If this comes as a surprise then god help you but yes, calling someone a dipshit in front of a potential employer on your first meeting can make you look bad. Let’s say you are asked about your current employer. Instead of saying “that place is run by dipshits” try saying “I’ve grown as much as I can there and it’s time for me to move on.”

If you find this advice to be eye opening, you should also probably go ahead and change everything about your life.

3. Twatwaffle
This word is a little dated and can age you in the eyes of hiring managers. Also, this is an interview. For a job. You weren’t really planning on saying “twatwaffle” were you? Were you?

4. Dick-for-shits
This term is simply not in line with the current climate of most professional environments. Also, what does that even mean? If you use this word at all in any context you may be the only one and you should stop.

5. Horny
Don’t say horny. If you are horny, just don’t bring it up. Dance around it.

6. Swastika-junkie
At no point in the interview process should you use the term “Swastika-junkie,” even if you’re just trying to make it clear that you aren’t one.

“Please Listen to My Album With Headphones” Says Artist Lucky to Get 10 Seconds Out of a Phone Speaker

Posted on January 9, 2022 by John Danek

LONDON — Bedroom post-punk musician Rob Davidson begged listeners to use headphones while listening to his latest EP, apparently unaware that he would be fortunate to get a single preview through a phone speaker, disappointed loved ones revealed.

“I spent triple the usual time mixing and layering and panning on this 4-song EP, so please listen with a good, and preferably open-back, set of headphones!” pleaded the oblivious Davidson, who spent a reported $900 on convolution reverb plugins this Black Friday. “Please don’t just listen on your laptop or crappy Bluetooth boombox. And God forbid, don’t ever play it through your phone speaker. You spit, piss, and shit on my ancestors’ graves if you play these jams through an iPhone.”

Davidson’s close friend and roommate Caroline Scott is losing the motivation to humor his untenable requests.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Does he really think people are going to go grab headphones and a 3.5mm to Lightning adapter because he makes part of a guitar solo move from left to right? Whoop-dee-fucking-whoop,” grunted Scott who hasn’t listened to a Davidson release since 2018. “I’m glad music makes Rob happy but he has no self-awareness. Albums and EPs are dead. You should focus on writing 60-second jingles in the hopes that some tween stitches it on TikTok and you go viral for 10 days.”

Longtime music producers question the effectiveness of begging the audience to consume art in specific, cumbersome ways.

“Here’s the thing—panning and mixing and compression and effects don’t make a shitty song any better,” explained legendary producer Rick Rubin. “You know what makes a song better? Drugs. And a kickass drummer. You should listen back to your music and ask yourself ‘Does this song suck?’ But that would require being honest with yourself, which is something very few musicians are capable of. If someone listens to the intro of your album through a broken transistor radio, count that as a win. Hell, start mixing specifically for phone speakers. The battle is lost. I sold my studio’s monitors and now listen to mixes via my shattered-screen iPhone XS.”

Davidson reportedly continues to force difficult listening methods upon his audience, as he decided to print an upcoming album to 8-track tape for the “retro vibe.”

10 Bands Who Stole Their Biggest Hit

Posted on January 8, 2022December 10, 2025 by James Knapp

For most bands, writing a chart topping hit song is the ultimate test of artistic ability. For some, however, it’s a way to see just how much they can steal and (usually) still get away with it. These are some of the most popular bands of all time who completely ripped off their biggest song.

Green Day, “American Idiot”

By the early 2000s, Green Day had largely lost their mainstream appeal and were desperate to pursue a new direction. The breakthrough came when a friend of Billie Joe Armstrong gifted the frontman a “My First Guitar” learning guidebook, from which Armstrong directly lifted the melody and most of the lyrics to “American Idiot.”

The Beatles, “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”

Despite John Lennon’s claim that he wrote the song after being inspired by a drawing his son made, sources close to the dirty, bespectacled thief confirmed that the lyrics were stolen from a letter Eric Clapton wrote him in which Clapton uses the moniker “Lucy in the sky with diamonds” to refer to Ringo.

The B-52s, “Rock Lobster”

Fred Schneider admitted in a 2002 Rolling Stone interview how he shamelessly stole the concept behind the song:

“I was at nude beach next to a toxic waste dump and there was this guy there just plucking away on a guitar and singing about, oh, whatever was around – mostly deformed nudists and animals horribly mutated by the toxic chemicals. I thought it was catchy, so I wrote it all down, added in a few bikinis for good taste and we had a hit.”

Radiohead, “Creep”

Radiohead’s biggest hit was originally an old Norwegian folk song about a trickster grinch named Crepjinepjon who sneaks into the homes of lonely children and leaves them gifts of fish and birch bark. Thom Yorke revised the lyrics so that Crepjinepjon was in high school and had acne scars, thus forever changing 90s sad-rock.

Public Enemy, “Fight the Power”

This combative ballad of class struggle and racial disharmony started as a commercial jingle for a regional brand of non-scarring laundry detergent. Original lyrics read “Fight the power… of ground-in blood and dirt stains.”

Everclear, that song with all the “na na na na” bullshit in it

Honestly, we didn’t even bother researching this one. It’s just so stolen it’s not even good.

Queen, “Bohemian Rhapsody”

Freddie Mercury and Brian May quite literally stole “Bohemian Rhapsody” on the night they freebased ephedrine and hijacked Elton John’s tour van. On the van’s dashboard the completed song was already recorded to a cassette, having also been stolen by John earlier that day. The original artist is unknown and presumed murdered.

Oasis, two irritating British guys beating’ the shit out of each other

The Gallagher brothers’ most popular act, being belligerent assholes who beat the fuck out each other, was ripped off directly from vaudeville duo The Archibalds. The duo saw some local success in the 1930s but failed to break through to the mainstream, and years later Oasis would capitalize on their routine by stealing their biggest hit involving shouting profanity through a fog of gin breath and frail British fists.

Smash Mouth, “All Star”

Though they’ve never admitted it, internet sleuths discovered in 2010 that the lyrics to “All Star” directly correlate to the inscription from every inspirational Hallmark card from 1999.

Nickelback, all of it

Shortly after converting to voodoo, Chad Kroger tearfully confessed “we stole from the very beginning, everything. When we started the band we had one rule: do whatever the Foo Fighters do, but bad.”

Man Dirties Up Apartment So He Can Get Caught Up on Podcasts

Posted on January 8, 2022 by Mark Hassenfratz

NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — Local man Stephen Banquist scattered clothing, pet hair, and random bits of garbage all over his apartment to give himself an excuse to get fully caught up on his favorite podcasts, several sources confirmed.

“I can’t just sit down and listen to a podcast, that’s fucking psychotic. Anyone that does that should be locked up. I need to stay busy and doing chores is the best time to listen to podcasts, but I’m really far behind because of the holidays so I keep cleaning and making a mess again,” said Banquist while dumping the contents of his garbage can all over his clean dishes. “I already cleaned the gutters, organized my basement, and hand washed the floors and I still had episodes of ‘Stop, Murder Time’ and ‘Misfitville’ to get caught up on, so I did what any loyal listener would do and threw some coffee grounds and old fruit around in the kitchen so I can get scrubbing.”

Banquist’s roommates have been very happy with his over the top cleaning habits.

“I’ve lived with Stephen for about eight months now, and he’s definitely the best roommate I’ve ever had,” said Banquist’s roommate, Dave Grez. “It’s like living with my own personal housekeeper. I recommended he listen to ‘In Pod We Trust’ and I haven’t had to dust the shelves or sweep the floor for weeks! Me and our other roommate Ben just got some recording equipment so we can take out the middleman. Our banter as roommates is hilarious, so all we have to do is press record to have a hit comedy podcast!”

Experts say Banquist is but one of thousands of listeners who use unconventional tactics in order to get up to date.

“We’ve seen a lot of data supporting that podcast listeners are making more time for mundane tasks in order to get caught up on their favorite shows,” said Spotify executive Josh Pludd. “We’ve seen commuters purposely taking the long way to work, as well as consumers who decide to go to grocery stores during peak checkout times. We’ve even heard at least one report of a ‘Historyomatic’ fan who resorted to marathon training despite never having run a single mile in his life.”

At press time, Banquist was reportedly seen smiling and squeezing expired ketchup onto his clean laundry after a surprise bonus episode was released.

Guitar Center Employee Thinks You Just Might Be Good Enough to Handle Their Most Expensive Guitar

Posted on January 8, 2022 by Camden Brazile

SAINT LOUIS — Local Guitar Center sales associate Frank Helms stunned colleagues after discovering you in the Fender section of the store and announcing that you just might be good enough to handle their most expensive guitar.

“I cannot stress enough how rare this is. Usually someone comes in here and they start playing and I think to myself ‘another middle of the road hack,’” said Helms while smoking out back by a dumpster. “I saw this unassuming customer checking out the merchandise, and they just picked up that stratocaster and played — what did they call it — a G chord? Now, I’ve worked at this Guitar Center for almost two months now, and let me just say: they had the goods. I sold them the Fender Grand Custom Ultra, which happens to be around seven grand, but something tells me they’re ready. They had everything that a budding guitar master needs: a limitless credit card and nobody with them to say ‘maybe this is a bit much.’”

Although skeptical at first, you were eventually won over by the employee’s enthusiasm at your playing.

“I was just walking through the guitar section, I tripped over a display case and a sales associate rushed over and asked me to sign his guitar,” you said, toting your three new amps and twelve pedals out to your car. “I had never played the guitar before, but according to him I’m a natural. Obviously, a born musician like me would just be held back with a beginner level guitar, which I was informed by the employee, so I had to upgrade to the big leagues right away. He even said he has a friend that can help me build a recording studio in my garage, this is a dream come true”

Guitar Center CEO Ronald Japinga weighed in on the in-store sales technique.

“Say what you will about the tactic, but it works,” said Japinga. “I remember personally finding about ten or twelve superstars every shift, eventually using it on other employees to climb my way to the top of the ladder. I even landed my job as CEO by convincing the previous CEO that he had what it takes to be a world renowned frontman. Last I checked the guy had to sell his house and his band’s demo completely sucks, but I’m still on top.”

At press time, Helms has yet to convince a single person to join the Guitar Center Rewards program, which even at zero dollars was clearly a ripoff.

Crust Punk Updates Bucket List with “Get Disease Named After Me”

Posted on January 8, 2022 by Peter Woods

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local crust punk Lou “Canker Sore” Schultz revised his bucket list to include getting a disease named after him in an effort to better plan for his future and ongoing legacy, bemused roommates confirmed.

“It was really eye opening, taking stock of my life and realizing that I have absolutely nothing to show for it,” said Schultz. “Like, I have done absolutely nothing with these past 27 years. But I don’t really see that changing, considering my band broke up 12 years ago, I have no hobbies, and I have no desire to do anything besides getting fucked up and going to shows. The only way people will ever remember my name is if I develop some sort of flesh eating bacteria that can’t be treated by modern medicine, or maybe a way bloodier version of Typhoid Fever.”

While the plan may seem ambitious to some, those close to Schultz have shared their belief in the crust punk’s new ambition.

“Canker Sore might have made some ridiculous claims in the past, but I really think he can pull this one off,” said house medical expert Nicolas “Shitrod” Aguilar. “I almost got through EMT training, so I know a thing or two about diseases. And Canker Sore is always putting weird, synthetic drugs and moldy food into his system without doing anything to keep himself healthy. No showering, no tooth brushing, and I’m pretty sure the only water he drinks is from a puddle in our backyard. He’s the perfect breeding ground for a new virus.”

Despite the enthusiasm being shared between roommates, others in the medical field are less excited about the prospect of Schultz attaining this honor.

“There’s no way we would ever let that happen,” said Claudette Acosta, a PR representative for the American Medical Association. “We would never, and I mean never, just name a disease after a random crust punk. We save that honor for actual celebrities who make the world a better place. If you want us to name a miserable disease that puts you through hell for an extended period before killing you and ruining the lives of your entire family in the process after you, then you had better be a beloved and cherished public figure first. Otherwise, forget it.”

Medical experts are reporting that Schultz has cultivated up to four novel diseases in his stomach but recently killed off all of them after slamming an entire bottle of expired Jim Beam over the course of twelve minutes.

Opinion: Fuck You – Guest Column by B Chord

Posted on January 7, 2022 by Cathy Herbert

So you think you’re ready to take your guitar skills to the next level? You’ve mastered Earth Angel and Free Falling so now you’ve decided it’s time to ramp up your game and learn some new chords. Well to that I say, “bring it.” Hi, I’m the B chord and I’m gonna fuck up your day. Fuck you.

I’m not your first bar chord, am I? I could tell you’ve strummed a few successful F’s by the cocky way your hands aren’t trembling. Do you really think you have what it takes to in those limp little cheese strings to play me? Just looking at those fall-off-the-bone wrists of yours is making me hungry. I’m gonna turn your tendons into tenderloin and serve them for brunch.

Everyone’s going to know what a mewling casual you are when I’m through with you. You should have stuck to busking in the nightlife district where you could play songs that stick to G, Em, A, and D. Cranking out “Don’t Stop Believin'” over and over for drunks who think you’re a guitar God was a great thing you had going there. It’s a shame you decided to ruin it by attempting to learn “Immigrant Song.” Huge mistake.

Just face it, this is where it ends for you. You’re never going to get me and I’m not even the hardest one. But at least you’ll never have to face Fsus4#5! She would fucking destroy you. But she doesn’t need to. She doesn’t even know you exist.

Boardwalk Caricature Closest Man Will Ever Come to Therapy

Posted on January 7, 2022 by Rob Walker

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Local man Jeremy Collins’ recent trip to the beach became an impromptu moment of self-discovery and reflection while sitting down to have his caricature drawn by a boardwalk cartoonist, sources close to the walled-off man confirmed.

“I’ve heard people say that they were unhappy with their boardwalk cartoons, that they hated the way they look, but I have to say that this was life-changing. For the first time in a long time I feel heard,” said Collins after the 15 minute session. “It was so nice to be asked about my hobbies and about how I spend my time. So when I saw that drawing where I was riding a surfboard while eating a giant hot dog I got a little emotional. The way she captured my prominent nose, chin and my thin mustache was truly special. That’s me in that photo, that’s who Jeremy Collins is.”

When asked about the session, artist Ken Daniels seemed less than affected by the experience.

“Yeah, a lot of folks pour their souls out to me, and it can get pretty intimate. That’s something I wasn’t ever prepared for when I decided to make a few extra bucks drawing tourists on the pier,” said Daniels while drawing a man with a walrus mustache. “A lot of times, I need to change the subject when people bring up how their father never brought them to the boardwalk or that they gave up their hobbies when they had kids and secretly resent them for it. It just gets too heavy, so I started keeping a box of tissues with me because some of these men really start opening up, and the sadness is real.”

Local therapist Erika Laghari seemed perplexed when asked about the concept of caricature therapy.

“What I do is an attempt to help people become their better selves through conversations, exercises, and sometimes, bookwork,” said Dr. Laghari. “My profession takes years of schooling and I’m constantly learning new techniques to serve my patients needs. I have a hard time believing that an art school drop-out drawing people with heart-shaped boxers and enormous ears can get the same results as me and my colleagues.”

At press time, Collins is sitting for his fifth caricature in three weeks, sobbing about losing his chinchilla while being drawn as a cowboy with bananas for guns.

If Abraham Lincoln Were Here Today, He’d Be Totally Unfuckable by Modern Standards

Posted on January 7, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

The world is changing, and with that change, society is reevaluating historical figures in a new light. Now, we all know Abraham Lincoln did some great things. But when you look at the scope of his entire being and look at it through the lens of 2022, it’s clear as day: Abraham Lincoln would be utterly unfuckable based on today’s standards of beauty.

Like it or not, the standards of beauty change with time. As much as we might like to think that our concept of attractiveness is universal, the sad truth is that our sense of attractiveness is highly dependent on the place and time we’re born into. While we’d like to think aspects like personal charisma, an open heart, or a really tall hat take precedence over more superficial qualities, the sad truth is we’re all servants of our carnal nature. So as much as we would totally want to fuck Honest Abe today, we couldn’t be super public about it.

This is meant with no disrespect to the office of the President of the United States. There have been plenty of fuckable Chief Executives of these United States. John F. Kennedy. Franklin Pierce. Ulysses S. Grant. It’s not the office that’s changed. It’s just that the things we expect in a ravenous sexual relationship have changed since 1865. For all we know, our 16th President may have been considered the most carnally desirable man of his time period. But guess what, Abe? Things done changed.

You know what we don’t find attractive nowadays? One of the weird-ass chinstrap beards with no mustache. Well, except from 1997-1999. Nu metal Lincoln could get it.

In the mid-19th century, the average American bathed maybe once a month. When you consider that even the President scrubbed his pits once a week at best, you’re probably going to start thinking about what it would be like to go to town on a 6’4 Kentuckian who’s never heard of exfoliation.

Plus, you know what’s not sexy? The inability to plan ahead for your successor’s government. If you want to get with us in 2022, you’ll need to be the type of guy who sets up a definitive plan for Reconstruction that doesn’t turn into a shamble of Jim Crow laws and stymied legislation.

Cautious Punk Waits 30 Minutes After Eating Before Stage Diving

Posted on January 7, 2022 by Bobby Korec

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Overly careful punk Jimmy Reynolds patiently waited 30 minutes after eating a full meal before stage diving into an active pit, sources who tried to wave him in anyway confirmed.

“I’m so cautious that I even hold my nose mid-dive so nothing unexpectedly shoots up my sinus cavity,” said Reynolds before drinking a glass of water to help speed up the digestion process. “Tragically, the last time I dove from a stage was immediately after consuming an entire plate of spaghetti and meatballs at the Olive Garden and, hoo boy, did I regret it. The second my body hit the crowd I could feel the unlimited breadsticks on their way back up. Luckily, all that vomiting as a result went completely unnoticed since no one in the pit ever makes eye contact with one another. Honestly, I could’ve taken a piss in the middle of all the action and no one would’ve realized it was me. Urine just kind of blends in with all the various liquids spilled on the floor.”

Venue workers were all too familiar with this common scenario.

“Please, for the love of God, take this rule seriously,” said the venue’s janitor Walter Hayes while mopping up a fair amount of dried up puke from the general admission floor area after the previous night’s hardcore show. “Even a meal as light as a crunchwrap supreme, side of nacho fries, and 72-ounce Pepsi can absolutely wreak havoc on your stage diving experience. Some showgoers have actually been known to starve themselves for a full 24 hours beforehand to avoid the dreaded mild cramping. Take every precaution when it comes to live show participation.”

Experts seemed to discredit the phenomenon altogether.

“Everyone knows that it’s just one big myth,” said local scene legend Frankie “Potato Head” Buehler. “Believe me. You can eat whatever you want mere moments before jumping off stage landing feet first into the heads of strangers and feel just fine. Just don’t be in the pit too long or else your fingers will start to prune. Despite the abundance of moisture from all the sweaty dudes, the pit actually dehydrates you. Weird, right?”

In a related note, Reynolds was ridiculed by his friends for keeping his shirt on in the pit.