PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Overly careful punk Jimmy Reynolds patiently waited 30 minutes after eating a full meal before stage diving into an active pit, sources who tried to wave him in anyway confirmed.
“I’m so cautious that I even hold my nose mid-dive so nothing unexpectedly shoots up my sinus cavity,” said Reynolds before drinking a glass of water to help speed up the digestion process. “Tragically, the last time I dove from a stage was immediately after consuming an entire plate of spaghetti and meatballs at the Olive Garden and, hoo boy, did I regret it. The second my body hit the crowd I could feel the unlimited breadsticks on their way back up. Luckily, all that vomiting as a result went completely unnoticed since no one in the pit ever makes eye contact with one another. Honestly, I could’ve taken a piss in the middle of all the action and no one would’ve realized it was me. Urine just kind of blends in with all the various liquids spilled on the floor.”
Venue workers were all too familiar with this common scenario.
“Please, for the love of God, take this rule seriously,” said the venue’s janitor Walter Hayes while mopping up a fair amount of dried up puke from the general admission floor area after the previous night’s hardcore show. “Even a meal as light as a crunchwrap supreme, side of nacho fries, and 72-ounce Pepsi can absolutely wreak havoc on your stage diving experience. Some showgoers have actually been known to starve themselves for a full 24 hours beforehand to avoid the dreaded mild cramping. Take every precaution when it comes to live show participation.”
Experts seemed to discredit the phenomenon altogether.
“Everyone knows that it’s just one big myth,” said local scene legend Frankie “Potato Head” Buehler. “Believe me. You can eat whatever you want mere moments before jumping off stage landing feet first into the heads of strangers and feel just fine. Just don’t be in the pit too long or else your fingers will start to prune. Despite the abundance of moisture from all the sweaty dudes, the pit actually dehydrates you. Weird, right?”
In a related note, Reynolds was ridiculed by his friends for keeping his shirt on in the pit.