“We Are Co-Headlining,” Claims Opener

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Touring punk band Crazy Cool Maggie told several sources that they are technically co-headlining with more well-known group S.O.A.P., despite the fact that they are clearly just the opening act, concert attendees report.

“When S.O.A.P. brought us on for this tour, we floated the idea of actually co-headlining and they were totally on board with it,” Crazy Cool Maggie frontman Blake Owen said to several bystanders who happened to be hanging around the merch table. “Technically speaking, we haven’t actually closed out a show yet, but S.O.A.P. had some family in the audience the past few nights so we let them take the lead. And before that we were near their hometown so it wouldn’t be right to steal the spotlight. There are still three more shows, so we will probably close after tonight, for sure.”

S.O.A.P., however, has no intentions of ever letting that happen.

“Yeah–I kinda remember them saying something about co-headlining, but we really just agreed to the possibility of it because they own a van and ours just broke down,” S.O.A.P guitarist Betsy Roy explained. “We figured that after two weeks they would get the hint, but they just aren’t. We are running out of excuses. Today we told them that our frontman is trying to kick heroin and he really needs the self-esteem boost. Now I have to go buy some heroin and plant it in his bag so it seems believable.”

Music Sociologist Dr. Nina Jackson explained that this behavior is often done to avoid confrontation.

“It is difficult to find a band willing to go through the stress of touring while being just an opening act, so many times larger bands will make promises that they never plan on fulfilling,” Jackson said. “Sometimes it’s a higher cut of the door revenue, or that they won’t have to load in everyone’s equipment. Being taken advantage of by a more successful band is all a part of paying your dues in the music business.”

UPDATE: Crazy Cool Maggie finally succeeded in becoming the headliner after S.O.A.P. dropped out of the last leg of the tour due to low ticket sales.

If Metallica Is Good Enough To Perform With a Symphony So Is Korn

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

When I first heard Metallica was doing another album with the world-famous San Francisco Symphony a few years ago, I was like, “Symphonies are for dorks,” but I was also like, “That should’a been Korn.” If it has to be done, Korn is the band that should bring the mosh pit to the Sydney Opera House–or at least the San Jose Center for the Arts–because Metallica is lame.

There are so many reasons why this is a great idea, and absolutely all of them have something to do with the 24-ounce Monster Energy I shotgunned five minutes ago.

I CAN TASTE COLORS!

For starters, Jonathan Davis is an accomplished multi-instrumentalist. Can you imagine some sick-ass symphony motherfuckers backing the band on “Shoots and Ladders”? Picture Jonathan Davis walking out on stage killing the bagpipes while a bunch of Ibanez 7-string violins in drop D tuning shred with Head and Munky. You know that would be sick. Obviously, Jonathan will wear a kilt, and symphony bastards love multicultural motherfuckers.

And don’t forget the scatting! All the Franklins, Theodores, and mistresses in the audience will BOOM-DA-DA-MMM-DUM-NA-EE-MA DA-BOOM-DA-DA-MMM-DUM-NA-EE-MA love that shit.

Scatting is art, and we need to normalize having a weird, thin mustache and spontaneously bursting into fits of syllabic seizure.

Sure, Metallica has a long history of dynamic songwriting, virtuosic solos, and a massive base of rabid fans that make them a natural fit to play a show with the fancy band geeks, but Korn would definitely do it better.

My heart feels like it’s gonna RUM-DUM-DI-DUM pop, dude.

Never forget that Metallica sold out, dude. James and the boys have been releasing an endless stream of absolute turds since “And Justice for All.” Know who never sold out? Korn. They never stopped making greasy music for the children of under-educated Midwesterners when they got popular. Maybe it was the meth. Maybe it was the continuous lyrical rehashing of unprocessed childhood trauma. Maybe they’re just physically unable to play different chords or strings or tempos. Who knows?

Bottom line: “A.D.I.D.A.S.” would sound better with bassoons and French horns. Plus, Korn shows are the only public place I can wear my Lee Pipes without ridicule.

Now, point me to a hospital. I CAN HEAR THE DEVIL TAKING A SHIT.

Inconsiderate Man Burdens Friend With Free Concert Tickets

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

INDIANAPOLIS — Local asshole Brodie Mccaffery had the audacity to burden his work friend Dianne Lin with 100% free, no strings attached concert tickets, multiple sources confirmed.

“I bought tickets to see Weed Killer a few months ago, but unfortunately my friend’s mom had unexpectedly passed away, so I’ll now be spending that evening baking casseroles for the family as they sit shiva. I’m disappointed I’ll miss the show, but it’s more important to be there for my loved ones,” said the incredibly rude and thoughtless piece of garbage Mccaffery. “Luckily, my co-worker Dianne is a huge fan. I’m just glad someone will get to enjoy the concert. Although she did seem kind of perturbed when I handed her tickets, but then I heard her mutter ‘mother fucking asshole’ under her breath, which I guess is her way of saying she’s really excited for the show.”

Lin explained her frustration with her coworker’s generous obligation.

“I really thought Brodie was my friend. But then, out of nowhere, he foists show tickets on me and carelessly offers to pay for parking. Now I have to fucking leave the house and be around people for a whole Friday,” said Lin. “I tried to weasel out of it, but then he said he’d finish my quarterly reports so I could leave work early, as well as change my oil on his lunch break. All I ever want is to Grubhub fast food and binge ‘Love It or List It.’ But now I gotta put on jeans.”

Perhaps related, Weed Killer lead singer Gina Dalton noticed a change in audience demeanor during the band’s recent tour.

“The other night I asked the crowd how they were feeling, but the reaction was lukewarm shrugs mixed with outright aggravation,” said Dalton. “Throughout the night I saw a bunch of people taking joyless photos of themselves in front of the stage, as if they needed evidence they were there. Then after our set, we went backstage before the encore. A few minutes later we returned to the stage and everyone vanished. We played two last songs for a few empty beer bottles and some servers breaking down their workstations.”

At press time, Lin is planning to fake a pregnancy and take maternity leave after learning Mccaffery is offering several of his coworkers a free, week-long stay at his lake house.

Review: Danzig “Skeletons”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Each week we bring you a review of an album that mysteriously appeared in our office. We have no idea how these albums get here, we don’t know how we can even afford an office, but this week we’re reviewing the Danzig album “Skeletons.”

This Danzig album is interesting, it’s an album of covers and all the songs are handpicked by the artist himself. He says the album is called “Skeletons” because these songs are what make him who he is. Without these tracks, he wouldn’t be the same Danzig we know and tolerate today.

This thought sent me spiraling. I began to picture what I would be like without a skeleton and it’s kept me up at night for weeks. What would life be like without bones? I’ve really gotten accustomed to having bones, but the thought persisted and it was my journalistic duty to have all my bones removed in order to find out what life would be like without a skeleton.

I contacted every doctor in Los Angeles and not a single one of these quacks was willing to remove any of my bones. But I was not deterred. I went on the dark web and found a German physician that claims he specializes in bone removal. I booked a flight to Munich the next day.

I arrived at the doctor’s office and after a five-minute consultation, he was willing to remove my skeleton for the sake of science. He claimed that he had run out of anesthesia so he pumped me full of heroin to dull the pain and we were off. 16 hours later I woke up and I was basically a puddle wrapped in a leathery skin sack. The pain was intolerable. I tried to scream, but the doctor had already sewn my mouth shut.

That’s when I noticed my perfectly preserved skeleton in the corner dressed in a ball gown. What did the mad doctor have planned for my bones? After what seemed like an eternity, he came into the room dressed in a full tuxedo and began dancing with my skeleton. Twirling and dipping, his smile as wide as the Autobahn is long. He then dropped down on one knee and proposed to the structure that had once made me human. Judging by his reaction, my skeleton said yes.

SCORE: Please help me, I need my bones back–

/**/

Show Poster Fond Reminder of That Time You Had $60

Posted on by Max Barth

PHILADELPHIA – A framed show poster for local band Shardcone is a fond reminder of that one night, years ago, when you had sixty dollars.

“I remember that show because I was on a first date with the person I ended up marrying, the sky was beautiful and I actually had a small amount of expendable income in my pocket earmarked for ‘fun,’” you said while comically turning your pockets inside out. “For a brief shining moment, my future was full of possibilities. Then I bought a poster that matches nothing in my home. And for some goddamn reason I went and got it framed, too, for another $60. I can’t imagine doing that now, being so young and reckless and free.”

Your former roommate and finance guru Aubrie Dhillon expressed their dismay at your fiscally irresponsible purchase.

“If you had simply invested that sixty bucks in conservative mutual funds, you’d likely be sitting on nearly twice the amount at the moment. Hell, if you buried the money in a jar and bought the poster now on eBay, you’d have the cold hard cash leftover to throw at your car payment,” said Dhillon. “Instead you thought it was wise to pay full price for a low resolution image depicting a hand in which each finger has a name indecipherably scribbled on it. For some sort of band with the worst name possible. Shardcone? Is that right? That can’t be right.”

Shardcone bassist Linda Leidt, now a night shift supervisor at an Alaskan bitcoin farm, had to be reminded of the show that changed your life.

“Oh, right. Well, at the time I guess it seemed really important to us that our biggest fans–mostly friends and people we worked with at the coffee shop–could get a keepsake, something to remember us by as we thought recording any of our actual music was selling out,” said Leidt “We made posters, postcards, shitty little paper keychains. Anything that the printer at my dad’s firm could handle. If I recall, we spent the proceeds on extra-long grill lighters so our drummer could light his farts on fire without hurting his wrist.”

As of press time, reports indicate that your spouse has been trying to get rid of the poster for the past three years.

5 David Sedaris Books That Will Trick You and Your Date Into Thinking You Have Anything Else in Common

Posted on by Dan Rice

David Sedaris is one of the most beloved and universally appreciated writers of our time. His sharp wit, powers of observation and dark humor-meets-heart approach makes his work appealing to all walks of life. This can get you into a lot of trouble romantically.

It’s a joy to recount David Sedaris’ stories with a fellow fan. Unfortunately, this runs out at a point, and you may or may not have anything else to say to each other. This point can come as early as a second date or as late as a “hey, we live together.”

Calypso
Don’t let the subject matter of growing old turn you off, “Calypso” sees Sedaris at the height of his universally appreciated wit. Bonding over this book is enough to convince incompatible people of any age that they should see eachother again when they categorically should not. It only ranks low on our list because it came out in 2018 and no one has read a book since 2014.

Holidays on Ice
Everyone loves a darkly comedic spin on the holiday season. Seriously, everyone, regardless of background, political affiliation, or value system.

Naked
By the time you realize you and your partner have this book and only this book in common, they will have already met your parents, and the pressure to keep this thing going for some reason will be at a full boil.

Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
Sedaris’s penchant for finding the madness in the mundane may inspire you to become a writer yourself. For example, you could write about the time you had sex with someone a bunch of times before realizing they were a republican because you both liked “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.”

Me Talk Pretty One Day
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll start an unsustainable relationship with someone that you will end with a text message that they reply to with a “thumbs up” react.

We Sat Down With the One Millennial Who Can Digest Dairy to Figure Out His Deal

Posted on by Amanda Russel

Steven Jones, an otherwise boring millennial with an even more boring name, has been hiding an extraordinary, superhuman ability: digesting dairy without immediately having explosive diarrhea. We sat down with the man and the legend in his apartment living room over a truly incredible-looking cheese plate to figure out his whole deal.

“I don’t know,” Jones said, maybe a little too proudly cutting a huge hunk of brie off the wedge and shoving the entire thing in his mouth, with not a hint of fear in his eyes or a Lactaid in sight. “It’s like, fuckin’, I guess Big Milk got you all. I never drank my milk in the 90s when our parents were brainwashed by all those Got Milk? Ads. I was an asshole contrarian kid, you know? I think you all just drank so much milk your bodies got sick of it. Literally, ha ha!” He quipped, as he finished his brie and moved on to what appeared to be a smoked gouda. We tried and failed to crack a smile at the blowhard.

According to Jones, there was a distinct moment when he first realized there was something special about him and that he was envied. In college, when he pulled some string cheese out in class one day and casually started eating it, a hush fell over the room and he heard angry whispers from his classmates.

“I didn’t know everyone else couldn’t do what I do anymore,” Jones told us with a shit-eating grin that was physically painful to behold.

“He just took that string cheese out in front of all of us and just rawdogged it with no Lactaid or anything,” recounted a stunned classmate. Sources say the students all watched in awe as Jones ate the string cheese and miraculously stayed in the remainder of the lecture without a single bathroom break. “He didn’t even have to run to the bathroom. I know we were all waiting for him to get the shits, but NOTHING. It was like watching a dog run out into the road and being pretty sure it’s gonna get hit, but then nothing bad happens to it.”

The smugness in Jones’ face was increasingly evident as he continued demolishing the cheese platter, which would have glued any regular millennial to the toilet for days. He bit into a cheese curd and chewed it without breaking eye contact. We quickly thought of ways to bring the conversation to a close as soon as possible.

What’s next for Steven Jones, you may ask?
“I might become a cheesemonger. Or I could taste test cheese for a living. I don’t want to waste my talents. Or I could let scientists study me! Yeah, maybe I’ll do that.” He finished the pile of cheese curds, beamed, and said “ta da!”

At this point, we said our goodbyes and cut our conversation short because we couldn’t take this dude anymore. Good luck with your career, you piece of shit.

Schools Installing State-of-the-Art Panic Rooms for Cops to Hide During Mass Shootings

Posted on by Evan Caris

WASHINGTON — The Department of Education announced a nationwide initiative to protect America’s police officers from the epidemic of school shootings by creating high-end panic rooms for them to take cover.

“People look at police officers and think ‘those guys are superheroes, they can do it all’ but they forget we are human and that we get really really scared around most people,” said Lieutenant Gary Wisham, an officer in a suburb outside of Sacramento. “Even though we know all the best places to hide, I still wouldn’t feel safe if someone came in and just started shooting. These panic rooms will allow every law enforcement officer in America to take proper cover until the shooter is finished. There really is no other solution to this problem, as far as I can see.”

Students report several instances of police officers pushing them out of the way as they ran from the line of fire.

“It’s tough to get through a school day without being a little scared that some maniac could enter through one of the many open doors with a gun and start shooting again. I think that’s a feeling shared by most people my age,” said high school student Eric Lewis. “If these panic rooms existed when my friends died they still wouldn’t be alive, so nothing will really change for me or any of my classmates. I think if we were allowed inside it would really make a difference, but we’ve been assured that isn’t possible since it would make the cops feel claustrophobic if it got too crowded. They are talking about arming teachers, though, so that should kill even more of my friends.”

Texas Senator Ted Cruz extolled the virtue of this plan from the steps of Capitol Hill noting it’s a positive step forward to protect our boys in blue.

“It’s never been harder to be a law enforcement officer in America,” said Cruz. “They’re not only under attack from school shooters but also from coastal, liberal elites and the Mainstream Media, and this plan is a win for real American heroes. Having a dedicated safe space for law enforcement is a step in the right direction to funding the police more. Now we can sleep easy at night knowing they have access to a secure room, with their favorite foods, comfortable furniture, and most importantly; soundproofing so they won’t be bothered by gunshots or screams. I would sacrifice every student in America if it meant protecting even just one law enforcement officer’s life.”

At press time, Police unions across the country say these safe rooms are not enough, and demanded satellite television with all the best sports packages to be installed in each one.

Report: Every Song on Classic Rock Playlist About Statutory Rape

Posted on by Dave McNamara

SEATTLE — Dr. Sharon Oldham, Director of the International Musicology Association, recently concluded a year-long study and determined that every song on classic rock playlists curated by Spotify is about sex with minors.

“Most of us have heard these songs our whole lives, but we’ve never noticed how deeply creepy all these lyrics are,” said Dr. Oldham. “We’ve surveyed hundreds of classic rock songs and they’re literally all about seducing or coercing sex from underage women. Once you start paying attention to the lyrics, it becomes ubiquitous. And it’s all the classics. Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles…all singing about their ‘little gurl-childs.’ I actually think I just vomited a little saying that out loud.”

Iconic Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant weighed in on the social climate of the ‘70s in regards to underage relations.

“It was a different time, mate,” said Plant, while stroking a glass orb. “It’s not like we went out of our way to shag 14-year-olds, they were basically just given to us and we did nothing to stop it nor simply say no. We were basically helpless to it all. I remember one gig in ‘71 where Zeppelin was booked at a private Catholic all-girls middle school in Derbyshire. They put our dressing room in an active shower for the lacrosse team. We lost Bonzo for three days after that one. He eventually turned up on a houseboat with half the Nancy Drew Book Club. Had to be there, I guess.”

Senior Editor of Rolling Stone and longtime music journalist Donny Watts has spent much of his career writing about the golden age of rock and roll.

“It’s like you can’t say whatever you want in song lyrics anymore thanks to cancel culture,” said Watts, “When Mick Jagger is singing ‘Brown Sugar,’ sure, he’s talking about a young Black girl, but he’s also pointing his finger in the chest of Johnny Law, saying ‘look, I’m not going to be bound by the conventions of society or basic morality.’ People are too quick to judge from their self-righteous high horse. It was different back then. If we had the same set of rules that we do now, I never would have been able to marry my 16-year-old Philipino house cleaner.”

The International Musicology Association has since identified a handful of classic rock songs for Spotify that do not glorify statutory rape, but it’s just Rush’s entire discography.

The 5 Best Study Albums for People Who Have Deluded Themselves Into Thinking Ambient Techno Is Somehow Going To Make Them Any Smarter

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

With the new school year having just begun, you’ll want to ensure you have all the necessary resources to succeed. And that includes your music.

Do you think that all that’s standing in the way between you and a 4.0 is a lack of glorified elevator music while you attempt in vain to comprehend your textbook? If so, make sure you have each one of these substantial releases in your library!

1) Aphex Twin – Selected Ambient Works 85-92
Richard D.James’ seminal debut is a must-listen for anyone who thinks they just need to hear 74 minutes of squiggling synths and thumping drum machines to make up for lifelong problems with focus and self-discipline.

2) Autechre – Incunabula
One of the most hallowed duos in the history of electronic music, Autechre kicked things off in style with this album, whose intoxicating beats and off-kilter melodies will be the perfect soundtrack for you realizing at 2 a.m. that either you’ve selected the wrong degree path or you’re just inherently inept.

3) Porter Ricks – Biokinetics
A landmark of both the ambient and dub techno subgenres, this German duo’s debut offers the singular sensation of feeling like you’re an underwater rave while you pretend you understand what the fuck it is you’re trying to do with your life.

4) An album by The Field
Look, there’s like 12 of these and they’re all basically the same, right down to the artwork. Um, maybe start with From Here We Go Sublime since it’s the first one and it has that song with the Kate Bush sample? It’s not going to help you any, but it’s a really good song.

5) Electronic Music for Studying, Concentration and Focus | Chill House Electronic Study Music Mix
No, this is not an album. But 5 million people have listened to it. And maybe you can scroll through the YouTube comments for inspiration before passing out at your desk and waking up in a frustrated daze of your own incompetence six hours later.