Local Venue Has Most Profitable Summer Ever After Introducing Cigarette Flavored Popsicles

Posted on by Anna Walsh

PHILADELPHIA – Local venue The Jungle Room is having their most profitable summer season yet after introducing an enticing new frozen treat, sources who really need to bum a cigarette confirmed.

“Cigarette popsicles have proven to be the greatest grift I’ve ever pulled. It’s basically three steps: ban smoking in the venue, take the cigarette butt/rainwater juice from the outdoor smoker’s pole, stick some tongue depressors in it and throw in the walk-in freezer, and boom, you’ve got a final product that is gonna sell like hotcakes,” bar owner Joe Lormazza said while counting a fat stack of singles. “Without this 34-day record-breaking heat wave, I’d never have had this stroke of genius. Between the government’s policies to reduce smoking and increased pace of total climate destruction, it’s really a perfect storm for popsicle profits.”

Longtime smoker and occasional Jungle Room patron Kimberly Choi expressed her reasoning for buying the newly-minted “cig pops.”

“Is it as good as a long, sweet drag off of Parliament’s finest? Of course not. But even flicking my lighter in this weather causes profuse sweating, so I’ll settle for these,” Choi said, gesturing to the unappealing gray slush on a stick. “They taste like shit, they look like shit, and they are probably killing me. It really hits all the right buttons. They’re also $12 each, so you really get that same feeling of wasting your cash on cigarettes.”

The popsicles have become so popular locally that even the corporate behemoth ice cream companies want a piece of the pie.

“I can’t go into detail, but I’ll tell you this–as much as our market research loves the smoker vertical, we see even more potential in selling these unregulated, smokeless products to children, emphysema patients, and every one else who wishes they could be like Joe Camel,” stated Good Humor executive Keri Loman. “My plan is to synergize with our tobacco and trucking divisions and get these on every ice cream truck in America by next month.”

At press time, one of Lormazza’s employees was seen handing out free samples cut into sixteenths to patrons of all ages.

Disappointing “What’s In My Bag?” Installment All Amoeba Koozies

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — Psych-rockers Flute Gingrich appeared on the popular Amoeba Records Youtube series “What’s in my Bag?” and instead of choosing a handful of their favorite records to discuss they filled their bag with dozens of branded koozies, confused and frustrated viewers confirmed.

“This is a koozie, it’s got a little Amoeba logo on it…it’s one of my favorite ways to keep your hands from getting cold while drinking something,” said drummer Harris Howard, about a dozen times throughout the almost 11-minute on-camera interview. “What else do we have here? Oh yes, this is pretty cool right here, it’s another Amoeba koozie, just in case I lose those first few. Never a bad idea to have 30-40 koozies on hand, because, like…who wants cold hands? I can remember the first time I used a koozie, it was about six weeks ago and I was like ‘damn, this is such a cool way to drink something.’”

Comments on the video were understandably negative, with many regular watchers of the segment voicing their overwhelming bewilderment.

“Wtf is a koozy f this,” said Youtube user Fran Ethan, before following it with several unsavory emojis. “One of the least enlightening things I’ve ever watched. Amoeba fell off with this one” wrote MelodyMan1221. Amid the negative comments, there was some showing of support. “Fantastic picks, thanks for the recs. Can’t wait to check these out!” commented user ColdCanLover42

Amoeba Records employee Helena Audrick defended Flute Gingrich’s offbeat picks.

“When they came to the cash register, I didn’t even know we sold koozies. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen one outside of old photographs of my dad and uncle,” emphasized Audrick. “They even had me go to the back to look if we had more in stock…which we did, like two or three pallets full of them. We’re no stranger to artists not taking the show’s conceit seriously. Lots of them pick soundtracks to shitty movies or ironic t-shirts as a bit or whatever. But what was scary about the Flute Gingrich dudes was how very seriously they were taking this task. Those fuckers just love koozies, I guess. I dunno!”

In a statement issued after becoming aware of the episode’s response, Flute Gingrich has, perhaps vindictively, declared that all beer sold on their upcoming fall tour will be served “bathwater-level warm, just as you all seem to like it.”

Help! I Bought a Vintage Vest at Goodwill and Now I’m in Greta Van Fleet

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Every once in a while something will happen that reinforces my belief that free will is merely an illusion. For example, let’s say you go to Goodwill to buy an ugly vintage vest for a costume party, and next thing you know you’re being led out of the store by Greta Van Fleet’s manager, who is insistent that you now play lead tambourine in the band.

Somebody help get me out of this situation! I have no memory of this but apparently I signed a contract and my legal last name is “Kiszka” now. This is getting fucking weird, man.

I didn’t even know how to play bass when their manager approached me whilst browsing hideous, bedazzled vests that only someone nostalgic for 1970, or someone who thinks their band is the next Led Zeppelin, would wear unironically. He insisted that it didn’t matter as the parts were quite simple to play, which ended up being true. Also, I used to be a heavier-set guy with male pattern baldness but now I weigh 120 pounds and have a full head of long hair. I don’t know what sort of power these guys have over me but it’s not normal and I would like for it to stop.

I’m not meant to play bass and dance around on stage wearing bell bottoms with feathers in my hair. I don’t want to be in front of a crowd of Millenials who won’t stop talking about how they were born in the wrong decade. I just want to go back to my wife and kids and commute to my 9-5 CPA job every day.

Maybe this is some sort of curse that can only be broken by another poor soul purchasing a vintage vest at Goodwill. Someone please give it a try. I’ll pay you. I have money. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be around these guys. I’m starting to get migraines from all the hair spray.

Review: The Hives “Barely Legal”

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we’re taking a look at The Hives debut album “Barely Legal” which helped the band gain prominence within the early ’00s garage rock revival scene.

I am writing this against my will. I begged The Hard Times editors to recuse me from this review, due to the intensely personal nature of my relationship with The Hives. But, to my dismay, I was told I had to write it because, apparently, all of our other writers are currently “in jail” for “felonies” and the judge said my colleagues were “scum not fit for polite society,” whatever that means.

They pulled this same shit last month when it was somebody’s turn to do a 3,000-word P.O.D. retrospective.

It all started in the spring of 2003 when I was a senior in high school and had just asked Katie Amberson to prom. In retrospect, Katie wasn’t necessarily a catch. Actually, with her greasy jet black hair and ghostly pale complexion, she sort of looked like a cross between Meg and Jack White. But I was young and in love, and it was trendy at the time to look like the ghost of a Pep Boys mechanic.

To prepare for the big day, I headed downtown and picked out a striking black-and-white tuxedo (which I figured would match perfectly with Katie’s lifeless pallor). I was so excited by my purchase that I strolled out of the shop in the tux and started walking the streets, looking to turn some heads.

Just then, rather terrifyingly, a beat-up van screeched to a stop just a few feet away. To my astonishment, out stumbled four rowdy Swedes, wearing the exact same style of tuxedo! They took one look at me, yelled some drunken insults, and threw me in the vehicle.

Now, I don’t speak a lick of Swedish, but from what I pieced together over the ensuing years, their bassist had left them in the lurch by quitting the band that morning to take a job slinging meatballs at IKEA. Seeing a tuxed-up lad such as myself walking around, they understandably figured, “Hey, this guy’s already 80% of the way there. It’s just a fuckin’ bass. Let’s kidnap him!”

Thus, the next six years of my life were spent as the touring bassist for The Hives. Much like this review, it was a cruel and unusual punishment forced upon me with little concern for my well-being. Please, dear reader, I beg of you – release me from this unholy burden. Do not force me to continue writing about this band.

And don’t even think of asking me about the four years I inadvertently spent as the lead singer of The Vines.

Score: 2 out of 5 Swedish meatballs

Mom Claims Having No Tattoos More Punk Than Having Tattoos, If You Think About It

Posted on by Amanda Russel

MINNEAPOLIS — Local mom Virginia Thompson recently tried to convince her heavily tattooed son that the most punk thing he could do is have far less tattoos on his beautiful skin that is not ruined forever, annoyed sources confirm.

“If punk is all about being different and moving away from the herd, then the way I see it, being completely devoid of tattoos is the daring thing to do,” mused Thompson while looking around the kitchen full of her son’s friends for validation. “In your band, you’re always talking about ‘going against the grain’ and being different. And I’m sorry to say it, but it gets hard for me to tell some of you apart! You kids are all just totally covered in tattoos, and I wonder if there are any of you left who don’t have any. Those would be the true punks, if you ask me. The real rebels are actually the ones that look presentable in family photos.”

Thompson’s son, Dexter “Dex” Thompson, wasn’t shy about voicing his dissent.

“Mom’s full of shit,” said Dex, taking a swig of beer. “She’s hated all my tattoos since I got my first stick-n-poke when I was fourteen and tried to talk me out of getting them for as long as I can remember. Of course she would fuckin’ spin it this way. Next thing you know, she’ll be trying to tell me that it’s ‘real countercultural’ to finally finish my Bachelor’s degree, or that the most anti-capilalist thing I can do is give her some grandchildren while she still has time to enjoy them.”

Monty Smith, a psychologist specializing in the complicated dynamics of the mother/punk son relationship, says this decades-long standoff is par for the course.

“Punk sons are contrarians by nature, and moms are, as the kids say, ‘gonna mom,’” said Smith, using completely unironic air-quotes. “The more she pushed against tattoos, the more Dex wanted them. Of course he ended up covered. That fits the bill for this kind of relationship exactly. The real kicker is–if no tattoos are the new punk, it seems that moms like Mrs. Thompson are, comically, the punks in this situation after all.”

At press time, Thompson was making a hasty appointment to get a small, tasteful piece of flash on her ankle to immediately distance herself from the very punks she accidentally wound up glorifying.

DNC Pissed Joe Biden Did Something to Kinda Help People

Posted on by John Danek

WASHINGTON — Leaders within the Democratic National Committee are furious that President Joe Biden took action in a way that somewhat helped disadvantaged citizens, a DNC spokesperson stated.

“Our organization holds only one principle dear- not being Republicans. To suggest that we represent anything beyond that is dangerous and sets unreasonable expectations,” stated DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, who is recruiting Hollywood celebrities Sean Penn and Whoopie Goldberg to help temper any fears of further action. “Joe Biden went against our mission when he signed an executive order, which he should never ever do. It’s a dangerous slippery slope. What if people expect us to do a second good thing? We’re in deep shit now.”

President Joe Biden seemed confident in his decision to alleviate up to $20,000 in student loan debt.

“Listen, pal— you bet your ass that I eliminated that fraction of student loan debt with a swipe of a pen. Now most people will only be in debt for 72 years after graduation instead of 72.5. And there’s no telling what I may do next,” stated a defiant Biden when asked about the program. “Seriously, I have no idea what I may do next. I could eliminate unnecessary imperialistic military bases. I could invite the Harlem Globetrotters for Tater Tot Tuesday. Or I might finally track down Corn Pop and finish the job with my switchblade. Yeah, when you’re the President, you can bring a switchblade into the White House. It makes everyone really nervous.”

Democratic voters were startled and confused by the announcement that they might benefit from something elected officials were directly responsible for.

“I don’t get it. For years they’ve been telling us that they can’t do anything until they have the White House, a supermajority in the House & Senate, 9 Justices on the Supreme Court, and the Hale-Bopp comet to be visible to the naked eye,” said Jennie Potts, lifelong Democratic voter. “But right now they only have the White House and a soft House majority. Are you telling me that they actually can do things? Are my representatives just lollygagging despite pleading constantly for my donations and votes? I’m sorry, but nothing makes sense anymore.”

Upon hearing accusations of socialism for forgiving such a paltry amount of student loan debt, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ head exploded.

How To Build Your Life Around 8 Perfect Hours of Sleep Each Night, According to This Venture Capitalist That Crushes 5 Emails a Week

Posted on by Scott Murray

Are you feeling tired? Is your body failing you in strange ways? If you’re looking for the secret to youth and vitality, you’ve come to the right place!

As a venture capitalist, I spend every day half-listening to people’s problems and telling them what they’re doing wrong. If you’re wondering how I find the energy to check my email almost daily and take multiple zoom calls a week — Literally, more than one! — the answer is simple: invest in getting 8 ideal hours of sleep each night.

Here are the five changes I made that really unlocked my potential:

1. Put down your phone
Stay away from blue light by avoiding screens night. In the morning, do not check your calendar or your emails in bed. It’s important to ease into the day and reduce stress. Personally, I don’t check anything until 10am and I make sure I’m offline by 2. Anything coming in that late can be handled by my EA.

2. Mind what you eat
You brain is connected to your gut, so if you have a tendency to skip meals or force down unhealthy foods in a pinch you’re going to pay for it at night when you’re tossing and turning. Take the time each day to have well-balanced meals catered and prepared in your home. Trust me, it’s worth it.

3. Exercise regularly
Do a 45 minute workout twice a day, before and after work, with your personal trainer. For optimal healing, follow each one with a tall glass of water and a 30-minute cryo session. I also recommend booking a weekly massage to keep yourself loose.

4. Rest as hard as you work
Go on vacation, dummy! Getting away from it all is key to clearing the mind and encouraging restful sleep. Start by taking a lengthy excursion every quarter and at least two-weekend trips a month. Then, add in two periods of complete disconnect each year. One for your favorite island getaway, and one for a weekend of hard drugs and promiscuous sex on The Playa.

5. Invest in the latest sleep technology
Basketball star LeBron James reportedly spends 1.5 million on his body each year, so why can’t you? Last year I invested that same amount in my buddy’s company that is building a smart mattress that monitors your REM cycles to optimize deep sleep windows and it’s totally-life-changing! Once their company is out of beta, you’ll be able to enjoy the same luxury for under a hundred grand.

Top 10 Excuses to Cancel Band Practice

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

So you’ve joined a band. With every new band comes the inevitable responsibilities, obligations, and time spent practicing. Regardless of the frequency of your meeting, there will always be days when you wanna bail out. Here are the top 10 excuses to cancel band practice.

Honestly We’re Pretty Solid and Don’t Need To.

Hey, you guys know the songs, right? Practice is for people who don’t know the songs so it wouldn’t make sense to waste anyone’s time getting together more frequently than needed. This band practice cancellation technique has been used for generations.

Bass Player Got Too High

We all know most bass players have to get super high to practice for whatever reason. They walk a gentle threshold between self-medicating and falling into a couch-locked coma. Best to call it before he snaps back to it and eats an entire box of expired little Debbie cakes in the band room.

I Don’t Feel Like It

Trust us, no one else does either. This is a highly accessible way to cancel band practice at any given time, but especially last minute. Go ahead, text the band. The group chat is probably playing chicken on who calls it first.

Meeting at Texas Roadhouse with Financial Advisement Team aka Mom and Dad

The longevity of the band relies heavily on angel investors, aka whoever has parents with fat pockets. Believe me, Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus put in plenty of hours in meetings at the Longhorn and Chili’s before Blink 182 found their success. Time to knock back a few appetizer sampler platters for the good of the band.

I Have Band Practice with My Other Band

Works every time. No one wants to be the weenie that suggests putting together a band calendar or something reasonable like setting aside a dedicated day each week to practice. This is rock n roll, baby. It’s especially effective if you’re the only drummer in your local scene.

Baby Ducks were Blocking the Road

Dang, not again! Unless you’re Tony Soprano, what do they expect you to do? It’s best you let nature take its course. Depending on the time of year, this could be a persistent band practice roadblock for months!

I Forgot it Was My Grandma’s Birthday

We’ve all been there. It’s time to hop on down to the Piccadilly’s cafeteria for your yearly Salisbury steak and onions with nan. She’ll be so excited to see you and hear all about your little band that you will hardly even mind the crippling abdominal cramps that come along with upscale cafeteria-style dining.

Guitarist Has Been Temporarily Blinded by a Broken High E String

This will happen to every string musician a minimum of six times in their life. It’s why most guitarists wear eye patches by the age of 50. Don’t believe us? What about the late Ray Sawyer of Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show? That eyeball was taken out by a low E.

Too Sober

Are you saying a bunch of grown people are going to share their vulnerabilities through artistic performance without knocking back a few brewsks? Yikes. Seems like it would be awkward and boring and definitely worth canceling. It’s not in your head, those leads absolutely rip when you’re a little buzzed.

TOO DRUNK

Like a too-high bass player, you gotta play these cards right or Joe’s spilling a beer on the half stack again and Amber is barfing in the kick drum. Get it together guys!

Thrash Metal Band Holds Intervention For Bassist Whose Sobriety Has Gotten Out of Control

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PITTSBURGH — Local thrash metal band Toxic Warning held an emergency intervention for bassist Nick Rodriguez whose sober lifestyle has reached its breaking point with his other band members, sources confirm.

“I love Nick like a brother, but the fact he’s always completely aware of his faculties is becoming detrimental to our band,” said frontman Ryan Youngs while cracking another PBR for his beer bong. “As a fun-loving, hard-partying thrash metal band, we have a reputation to uphold. We can’t have a bassist who’d rather drink a Shirley Temple and catch a movie on a Friday night than drink 25 beers and down $50 dollars worth of gas station food like the rest of us! I mean, I don’t even think I’ve seen him barf into a garbage can or anything like that, and that’s just unacceptable.”

Nick Rodriguez believes his bandmate’s concern with his sober lifestyle is overblown.

“I’m not exactly sure why all of a sudden it’s such a big deal that I’m sober to these guys. I mean, I was sober two years before I even joined the band,” said Rodriguez while consuming a room-temperature glass of water. “It’s really becoming annoying as hell to be honest. I’m sick of them trying to hide my root beer from me backstage or the seltzer I like to drink when I’m playing. They say it’s too embarrassing and they’ve actually told me it’s just plain sad and that I need to overcome my demons. I’m starting to fear they might do something drastic, like replace the powdered sugar I put on my french toast with cocaine.”

Dr. Ian Yueng used his 25 years of experience as a professional mediator to explain where the rest of Toxic Warning’s concerns may be coming from.

“Normally I would cheer on and advocate for someone who wants to get sober, but this time is an exception,” Dr. Yueng said as he took his lab coat off revealing a tattered Atrophy t-shirt. “I believe sobriety has zero place in thrash metal. In fact, most thrash bands completely tank when members stop getting tanked. This kick-ass local thrash band called Puke Sermon totally got lame as shit and started playing metalcore when they got sober. It was tragic to witness.”

At press time, members of local doom metal band Higher Than God were seeking counseling after their drummer casually mentioned he might want to cut back on smoking weed.

Just Because I’m a Miserable Control Freak Doesn’t Mean I Head up the HOA, but Yeah Your Mailbox Is in Violation of Rule #46

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Hey neighbor! Hope you don’t mind me popping by so late. Yes I’m aware it is two in the morning, but something has been bugging me since you moved here a few days ago. Umm, excuse me?! Look, just because I’m a “miserable control freak” as you say doesn’t mean I have any position of authority in the HOA or something. Incidentally though, you are in violation of Community Rule 46: “No mailbox shall be more than 3 feet and two inches off the ground.”

See, your mailbox is just slightly higher than the others on the cul-de-sac and it’s really throwing off the aesthetic we’re going for here. And before you shoot the messenger, I did not write this rule. I merely suggested it at the last community meeting. Think of the poor mail carrier who has to place your mail slightly higher than the rest of the mail boxes. If they tear their rotator cuff, that opens all of us up for a lawsuit.

I can tell by your cavalier attitude towards lawn care around your mail receptacle that you seem hellbent on bringing down the values of our homes. If you even bothered to read the HOA handbook when you moved in, you’d know that the third Tuesday is the day we mow our lawns in unison and that includes weed whacking.

I can overlook the fact that none of your flags include Old Glory and that you don’t have a cover for your trampoline, but with God as my witness, I will be out here every morning taping citations to your door until you fix this eyesore.

Listen, there’s no need to call the cops because I’ve already called them. You can kiss your community pool privileges goodbye because I’m the judge, jury, and executioner in this development. Why do you think the last guy who lived here moved out? No, it’s not because I’m a tyrannical busybody. It’s because I care.