Press "Enter" to skip to content

Record Number of Millennials Consider Suicide Cult From Midsommar to Be Retirement Plan

HALSINGLAND, Sweden — A new study revealed that the vast majority of individuals aged 26 to 42 consider the acid cult that kills people featured in the movie “Midsommar” as their only viable option for retirement, malaise-ridden sources confirmed.

“When I first saw ‘Midsommar’ I thought it was the scariest thing I’d seen in years. Then I saw that social security is set to dry up by 2035 and I thought, ‘you know, a suicide cult doesn’t sound all bad,’” explained Brit Snells, an unpaid intern to a part-time social media influencer. “At this point I’m gonna be paying off student loans until I’m two-hundred and forty, so taking a nosedive off the old people cliff when I’m in my seventies is way preferable. And in the meantime, I can have tons of psilocybin and colorful flower hats while I dance around a maypole like a brainwashed goon. Shit, now that I’ve said it out loud I may just retire early.”

Even millennials not burdened by crippling debt and bullshit employment appear to have committed themselves to the “Midsommar” cult.

“Both my parents are attorneys, so they paid for all my college, gave me a job immediately after graduating. Plus, they pay for my rent and all my other expenses. But the way inflation is going, I could save every cent I earn for the next forty years and I would still end up living in an abandoned subway car in New Jersey,” said Chuck Lightman. “My family actually has a summer home in Sweden already, so this is just a logical move. Plus, once my parents die, I’ll get a new family – you know, the cult.”

One cult elder, known only as Blern, shared his perspective on the cult’s growing popularity.

“We are happy so many are amenable to being burned alive in a big pyramid-like structure. Believe it or not, people used to be far less into that sort of thing,” said Blern. “We are already expanding the old lady sex room to accommodate so many and, if this trend continues, we won’t even need to abduct hapless tourists anymore. We still will, obviously – but we won’t need to.”

Snells later clarified that her employer actually charges her for the privilege of interning.