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“Uhhh Yeah Me Too, Totally, Love the Stuff,” says Visibly Sweaty Doctor After Confirming You’re Sexually Active

GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Local doctor Harvin Smill found himself visibly sweaty this morning responding with a mumbled sequence of “uhhh yeah me too, totally, love the stuff” right after confirming his patient is sexually active, uncomfortable sources confirmed.

“I really don’t know what came over me. I was going through my normal checklist, and when I asked if the patient was sexually active I got a little flustered,” said Dr. Smill. “I could tell from just looking at him that this guy definitely gets laid, and I guess I felt a little pressure to let him know that I too love sex. Everything about it. In fact, I’ve had sex at least twice today. Just try to stop me from having sex, you can’t. It would be like telling the sun not to shine, that is how much I do it. And and and I’m really good at it, I should mention that as well, not only do I have a lot of sex, but I’m also quite the lover.”

The patient, Henry Pomen, easily saw through the doctor’s charade.

“I came in because I think I sprained my ankle and I just wanted the thing checked out and wrapped. But within minutes he was stammering and saying things like ‘You’re a sex pro, I’m a sex pro, everyone’s all good sex-wise,’” said Pomen. “I really have no idea why it even came up, but he told me things like ‘90% of the female vagina nerve endings are in one area’ and ‘condoms are available to purchase at pharmacies.’ He eventually told me he couldn’t wrap my ankle cause he had ‘orgasm hands.’ Pretty sure he made that one up.”

Smill’s colleague Dr. Olivia Harris admits she is sick of answering his sex-related inquiries.

“Every time a patient has a sex question, he sneaks over to ask me what he should say. For a guy that claims to get laid every night of the week he seems to be pretty in the dark about most things sex-related,” noted Dr. Harris, circling the lips on a human diagram for Smill to reference in the future. “One time a patient mentioned STIs and Dr. Smill just keep gagging and saying ‘fucking gross.’ I thought he was gonna resign.”

At press time, Dr. Smill was preparing for a three-week vacation visiting his “very horny” girlfriend in Canada, but claimed “you wouldn’t know her,” and her exact location is slipping his mind.