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Hold On: That Rotten Tomatoes Score Is Low Enough That I’m Back In!

No way. I’m not going to watch that stupid-ass movie. Have you seen the way people are roasting it on Twitter? I don’t know why I’d give up two hours of my life to what seems like an absolute piece of shit. Wait, hold up. What’s that up there in the corner? What does that Rotten Tomatoes score say?

It’s small but does that say thirty percent? That’s pretty rough. But, like, “it’s so bad it’s good” rough. Actually, let me look closer. Oh, holy shit! Is that a three percent? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a three percent before! Hot damn, I’m back in! Let’s watch that trailer!

Yikes, I didn’t realize that guy’s in it. I didn’t know he was even allowed to be in movies anymore. Wait. I’m already lost. What’s going on? They were in international waters doing some top-secret experiment but suddenly there are bats everywhere. Is this a Batman movie? And why is he suddenly killing everyone? I thought he was supposed to be the good guy.

I’ve seen enough. This trailer makes no sense. I can’t believe some studio sunk millions of dollars into this. That trailer was a complete nightmare, so I’m totally in! Let’s give this shitshow a spin!

There’s just one problem. I can’t find the rent button anywhere. Why can’t we rent it? Oh no. They know anyone who made it this far can’t turn back so they’re going to be forced to buy it. Whatever, I’m sure it’s just like $3.99 or something. Twenty dollars?! Jesus Christ, twenty bucks for a shitty fucking garbage movie like this! Eh, who am I kidding? I’m gonna go ahead and buy it.