Former NFL player and University of Georgia football darling Herschel Walker is currently running to be a United States senator representing the state of Georgia. We sat down with him to ask some questions about his campaign when he unexpectedly offered us $450 for an abortion.
Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with us today Herschel.
Herschel: OK how would you like me to transfer you the money? Cash, check, or do you have Zelle or something?
What are you talking about?
Don’t play dumb with me. Being dumb is my thing. Now you said $450 is what you need, correct? Because that’s less than I paid last time.
$450 for what?
I’ve already got six unacknowledged kids running around, I don’t need a 7th.
Wait a minute, six? Up to this point, we had only heard about the four secret children. You’re telling me there’s more?
Well, there certainly won’t be so long as you get the abortion and keep quiet. I’ll give you an extra $450 to stay quiet.
Umm Herschel, I don’t know who you think I am, but I never had sex with you and I am not pregnant. I’m a reporter from The Hard Times. Also, I’m a man?
Yeah yeah, times are hard whatever. They’re going to be a lot harder for you if you do anything to sink my senate campaign.
Okay you sound like a very dangerous individual but I have to ask, didn’t you say that abortion is murder and anyone who gets one is a murderer?
I say lots of things all the time. I’ve lived a long life and I’ve done lots of things. I was an FBI agent, I went to the moon in 1971, I graduated valedictorian from UG, I’m responsible for the dinosaurs dying, and I traveled around the world in 80 days in a hot air balloon. And that’s why you should vote for me for senate.
Herschel, do you have any idea where you are right now?
Yeah, I’ll take the combo meal with a side of onion rings.
Sorry, I think my CTE is acting up.
And that’s the most coherent thing you’ve said all day. We’re going to leave before you say anything else that’s scary.
I’m going to be a senator.
*sigh* You really might be.