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Local Corn Maze Causes Record 57 Breakups in One Season

COLD SPRING, N.Y. — The local corn maze at Humble Seeds Orchard reportedly caused a record 57 relationships to end in a single season, sources who never wanted to see each other again reported.

“Mark is such a fucking asshole,” said Hayley Hart after a recent breakup at the maze. “Today was a perfect example of how he never listens to me and has to be in control of everything. And then he blames me when we get stuck in a corn corner. I’m so done, I just wanted to have a cute fall day but as usual he has to ruin everything. The guy couldn’t even solve a single one of the cornundrums littered throughout the maze, and most of them were so easy. Now I have to ride the train all the way back to the city with him and it’s going to be so awkward.”

Humble Seeds Orchard proprietor Bill Bakeman started to grow concerned with the reputation the corn maze was bringing to his farm.

“Look, this is supposed to be fun time for everyone,” said Bakeman. “My family has been running this orchard for generations, and I’ll be damned if our legacy turns into a place where relationships go to die. I’ve got families with young kids coming by the dozens every weekend. I can’t have these couples who clearly are no good for each other swearing, crying, and Googling divorce lawyers in the middle of the maze. It’s bad for business, heartbroken people don’t buy pumpkins and they certainly don’t buy my famous apple cider.”

Relationship expert Julie Stout had little sympathy for all of the ex-couples leaving the corn maze in complete silence.

“There are plenty of other basic autumn activities couples can do together, although if you’re worried a simple corn maze could put your relationship to the test, maybe that’s a sign it’s time to break up,” said Stout. “I did the maze, it’s not that hard, so if you and your partner can’t work together to get through it you’re clearly not compatible. That’s why I did the maze alone just to be on the safe side. I get that everyone wants a partner to do fall things with and we’re approaching cuffing season, but I promise you’d probably have more fun doing these things alone or with a group of friends instead of your significant other.”

At press time, Humble Seeds Orchard had no choice but to deal with a young woman who seated herself in the middle of the corn maze and refused to move until her now ex-boyfriend apologized.