KANSAS CITY — Missouri native Glenn Lawson, who was found guilty of reckless handling of a firearm last March, is nearing completion of his court-mandated firearm safety course, confirmed law enforcement officials
“There are bad people everywhere, and if they get their hands on a gun, the only thing standing between them and you are a few, brave patriots who compulsively carry deadly weapons everywhere they go,” said Lawson after leaving the ninth of twelve mandatory classes. “Now the problem is we have a bunch of government eggheads who think heroically firing your handgun in a crowded diner is ‘reckless endangerment.’ What they don’t realize is the attacker I was facing down could have been armed with an assault weapon, nerve agents, or even a vest strapped with explosives. I was the last line of defense.”
Lauren Cruz, an eyewitness to the incident that landed Lawson in legal trouble, gave valuable testimony during the trial.
“I was waiting in line at the Arby’s on Clingman Road. I guess a small bird had flown in when someone opened the door, and it knocked over a stack of cups behind where Mr. Lawson was sitting. Suddenly he makes this really high-pitched scream, dives under his table, and pulls out a pistol. The thing is still flapping around and he just starts firing blindly into the air,” said Cruz. “He was covering his head with his other hand and his eyes were shut the whole time while he screamed ‘Die mother fucker!’ The poor guy seemed terrified. Thankfully nobody was hurt, and an employee gently removed the bird using a piece of cardboard.”
Safety instructor Flynn Becker is no stranger to this type of behavior and admitted Lawson’s lack of knowledge regarding proper firearm safety is worrisome.
“The guy has no idea what he’s doing. Every attendee of my class has to take a multiple choice test on the first day to gauge where they’re at. He answered the question, ‘When holding a handgun, which direction should the barrel be pointing?’ by writing in, ‘Whatever direction the terrorists are,’” said Becker. “Then he used the back of each page to write a short story about how he can’t wait to bring his guns to heaven to show Jesus how easy it would be to kill the Romans. It was unhinged.”
At press time, Lawson was getting compliments from other members of his class because of his t-shirt that read, “If I charge, follow me. If I retreat, kill me. If I die, avenge me.”