GRAND CAYMAN, Cayman Islands — Disgraced actor Armie Hammer reportedly walked out of a Cannibal Corpse performance moments before the death metal icons introduced their last two songs, horrified witnesses confirmed.
“I thought something was off when I saw some preppy, muscular trust fund type standing at the barricade, especially when he kept licking his lips and staring intently at Corpsegrinder’s neck while the rest of us were headbanging,” said concert attendee Liam Campbell. “But then I recognized him as the Lone Ranger from ‘The Lone Ranger’ and the creepy actor with the cannibal fetish from a bunch of articles I saw online, so I kept my distance until he gave up and left.”
Concierge Mark McFields, who worked a shift with Hammer hours before the event, described Hammer’s behavior that evening as disturbingly excited.
“Death metal bands rarely come to the Cayman Islands on tour, so when Armie told me about his plans to see a ‘delicious’ show after work, I figured he was just really enthusiastic about the whole thing,” said McFields while grimacing. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him that they’re just normal guys, and I didn’t have the guts to tell some privileged oil fortune heir that he was wrong about something. Hell, even if I had the guts, he’d probably want to eat them.”
Upon learning of Hammer’s attendance at the show, Cannibal Corpse bassist Alex Webster issued a statement regarding the situation.
“Myself and the rest of Cannibal Corpse are disgusted by Armie Hammer’s presence at last night’s performance. Contrary to his misguided beliefs, we only condone cannibalism when the perpetrators are actual undead corpses, not living people, maligned celebrities, or anyone involved in the production of ‘Call Me By Your Name.’ Timothée Chalamet can hit us up for guest list whenever he wants, though.”
Hammer could not be reached for comment, but he was spotted near the concert venue asking where to find the juiciest ribs in the area.