Every The Appleseed Cast Album Ranked From Worst to Best

Posted on by Bobby Korec

The Appleseed Cast has quietly been one of the lasting emo and/or post-rock and/or indie rock bands of the last few decades. And for a band that evolved their sound so much, it’s hard to believe they don’t have any garbage albums among them. Typically when a band explores and ripens their sound, fans have a tendency to instinctually turn on them. Humans fear change, so naturally we fear Appleseed Cast’s evolution. But thankfully they’ve never let us down. Here’s how their ever-evolving albums stack up against each other.

9. The Fleeting Light of Impermanence (2019)

The main problem with this band is how long they took to write albums in the last decade. They’ve assembled six perfect studio albums in the 2000s, but only two since. What are you doing here? Give us music. In fact, this is the only album on this list that is under 10 tracks. Simply unacceptable. The Appleseed Cast is the only band that can loop the same three notes over and over again for eight consecutive minutes and I will still repeat the track after it’s finished. Give me more of that already. Immaculate album otherwise.

Play it again: “Chaotic Waves,” “Collision,” “Last Words and Final Celebrations”
Skip it: Skip whatever Spotify-assembled playlist you’re currently listening to and put on this album.

8. Low Level Owl: Volume II (2001)

It must be stressed that this album is actually quite excellent and should not be discredited, despite placing so low on this completely objective ranking system. It’s a nice continuation of “Low Level Owl: Volume I” and respectfully ambitious, but sometimes almost feels like the B-side version of its counterpart. Not a bad thing. Not a good thing either. Just a thing.

Play it again: “Ring out the Warning Bell,” “A Place in Line,” “The Last in a Line”
Skip it: Skip that salad you were just about to eat, order pizza instead, and listen to this album.

7. The End of the Ring Wars (1998)

“The End of the Ring Wars” is a very difficult release to rank when standing next to the band’s entire discography. Sure, it’s an emo classic, but it seems like it belongs more in Sunny Day Real Estate’s catalog when considering what Appleseed Cast wrote after. If you’re like, “You fool, this album should be first,” you might be right. If you think, “You fool, this album is deservedly the worst,” you might be right again. But if you’re like, “Wait, who are these guys?” then you’re absolutely correct yet again. There are no wrong answers when listening to this album.

Play it again: “Marigold & Patchwork,” “Antihero,” “On Sidewalks”
Skip it: Skip your job right now and take a mental health day. You deserve it.

6. Peregrine (2006)

Have you ever been personally ranking one of your favorite band’s discographies and come across a “Peregrine” where it could be, depending on the day, as high as “second best” or as low as “you forgot to include it because it’s not one of the immediate ones you think of when you’re in an Appleseed Cast mood”? That’s the inner turmoil known as this album. Impeccable on a Tuesday, but not top of mind by Thursday.

Play it again: “Ceremony,” “Sunlit Ascending,” “Here We Are (Family In The Hallways)”
Skip it: Skip your grandmother’s funeral and put on this instead.

5. Sagarmatha (2009)

“Sagarmatha” starts out white hot as a quintessential post-rock album. The first three tracks are all over seven minutes long each and there are hardly any vocals, which just gets in the way of all that juicy repetition that gives your brain the soothing recurring patterns it craves so deeply. That’s why the mind neurogically gravitates toward post-rock. That’s just science. Or psychology. One of those.

Play it again: “As the Little Things Go,” “The Summer Before,” “A Bright Light”
Skip it: Skip your dentist appointment and listen to this album. You were going to skip it anyway.

4. Two Conversations (2003)

“Two Conversations” is far less interlude-y than its previous “Low Level Owl” records, so it seems more accessible. It’s like the band experimented with their sound on LLO, regretted it, and tried to atone for their iterative ways by giving us “Two Conversations.” Either that or they simply grew organically in a direction that felt natural for them and it’s actually the music critics who need to get their shit together and respect the band’s musical choices. Probably the latter.

Play it again: “Innocent Vigilant Ordinary,” “Hanging Marionette,” “Ice Heavy Branches”
Skip it: Skip this album if you’re not that into the Appleseed Cast.

3. Illumination Ritual (2013)

Typically, a band’s eighth studio album has no business being top three anything, but this one is extremely late in the band’s discography yet quietly satisfying. It’s got everything you want on an album. It’s sonically pretty, percussively elegant, rhythmically ethereal, celestially layered, goosebump-inducing at times, and I couldn’t tell you a single lyric on the album despite listening to it on repeat. Perfect record.

Play it again: “Clearing Life,” “30 Degrees 3 AM,” “Cathedral Rings”
Skip it: Yeah, no.

 

2. Low Level Owl: Volume I (2001)

There is a remarkable amount of musicianship happening on this album. For instance, I am not quite sure what exactly is going on in the track “Steps and Numbers” that makes me feel like I am ascending into another plane of harmonized existence nor do I really need to know. The great thing about post-rock is that if you are really into one particular part of a song, chances are you’ll hear it for a good three minutes before it moves on to the next progression. It’s nice that the Appleseed Cast gave the fans what they wanted over and over and over again, whether we knew we wanted it or not.

Play it again: “Steps and Numbers,” “On Reflection,” “Sentence”
Skip it: Don’t you dare.

1. Mare Vitalis (2000)

“Mare Vitalis” is Latin for “sea of life” and this album somehow perfectly captures the feeling of being stranded in the middle of the ocean, I think. There are calm before the storm moments between times where your life feels like you’re at the mercy of the potentially ominous oceanic tides ahead of you, yet it also can feel like there might just be hope after all despite all signs pointing to your inevitable death where eventually the seagulls will be picking away at your lifeless corpse. To conclude, “Mare Vitalis” is an emo classic, a post-rock classic, an indie classic, and a seafarer’s classic alike.

Play it again: Play it all again.
Skip it: Skip going in the ocean. Nothing good happens there.

Terrifying New Anti-Marijuana PSA Says Overindulgence Could Cause You to End Up Like Bill Maher

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOS ANGELES — Local advocacy group the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign issued a chilling new public service announcement claiming overuse of marijuana could cause users to end up like condescending TV personality Bill Maher, faded sources report.

“The young people of America today should be made aware of the true, shocking dangers of marijuana,” National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign representative Colleen Birch stated. “Sure, at first pot may seem like fun. It can open your mind up to progressive ways of thinking and perhaps lead you to someday hosting your own talk show. But next thing you know, you’re finding yourself constantly complaining about the existence of Millennials and Gen Z and compromising your once liberal convictions by agreeing with conservative crackpots who think you ‘can’t say anything anymore.’ We’re here to say, ‘Don’t become Bill Maher the old coot, just give cannabis the boot.’ Our future depends on it.”

The scare tactics used in the eye-opening PSA have had a profound impact on many young pot smokers around the country.

“I’ve been smoking for about 10 years now. No wait, maybe it’s only been like seven. No, maybe it’s actually been more than 10 years. Whatever, I’ve always been able to just stop whenever I want, and now after doing some research, I think the whole ‘becoming Bill Maher’ is truly sobering,” local burnout Jeremy Stoltworth said. “I mean, it’s bad enough that we both think the ‘Me Too’ movement went too far, on top of the fact that I also complain about religion to any stranger I can. It’s scary to think I could one day smoke myself into irrelevance just like he did. I mean, I don’t want to become a multi-millionaire, self-important TV personality. Anything but that!”

Maher chose not to mince words when he eventually addressed the damning PSA.

“This whole thing is just another example of the pussification that has plagued anyone who isn’t going to die of old age in 10 years,” Maher stated. “Why the fuck wouldn’t anyone want to be like me? Someday these anti-pot people will realize how intelligent I am and the snowflakes and woke left who I was once exactly like will come to terms with it as well. Here’s a ‘New Rule’ for you—standing up against the tyranny of college students is now fucking awesome.”

In related news, an anti-alcohol PSA was also released suggesting that overuse could lead you to be like Mel Gibson.

Life Imitates Art: This Blink-182 Fan is Legitimately Struggling to Remember His Age

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

Eric Celia, a fervent Blink-182 fan, recently found himself in a predicament that echoed his favorite band’s “Enema of the State” single “What’s My Age Again?” Despite his best efforts, he was unable to recall how old he currently is.

After wowing the crowd at a local karaoke bar with his spot-on rendition of “I Miss You,” seamlessly alternating between Mark Hoppus and Tom DeLonge’s vocal parts, he attracted a woman’s attention in the audience.

However, Eric hit an unexpected snag when this woman, whom we will call “Josie” to protect her anonymity, approached him to learn more about him, including his age. Despite confidently remembering every lyric to every Blink song, he was drawing a blank. Was he 32 or 33? Or had he lost a decade entirely and was actually approaching his mid-40s? Or worse, mid-50s? The exact number eluded him, leaving him momentarily flustered.

Thinking on his feet, Eric managed to divert the conversation from his age-related amnesia.

“That was a close one. Thankfully, I could shift the focus by offering to recite ‘The Party Song’ from start to finish at my place—a proposal she couldn’t resist,” said Celia while searching for his drivers license. “I normally just calculate my age from the current year, but to be honest I am not really sure what year it is, either. I’ve been in a haze ever since Blink released ‘California’ and I still haven’t come out of it.”

Managing to avoid the calamity of admitting he had no degree of certainty regarding his exact age, he reflected on a similar recent incident.

“My buddy is always ranting about the government and Wall Street fat cats gaming the system, but I don’t have time for worrying about all that. I told him it’s just like Blink says: ‘corporate leaders, politicians, kids can’t vote, adults elect them.’ He was like ‘Dude, you have been able to vote since the second Clinton administration.’”

There are many competing theories as to why an aging Blink-182 fan could forget their age, but one psychologist feels like they cracked the code.

“If you are a middle-aged man who exclusively shops for shoes at Vans, specifically the Vans outlet store, it’s easy to forget you’re no longer 19. You look down and all your clothes look like they have for nearly 30 years, but then you look in the mirror and it’s a wrinkled stranger looking back at you,” said Emira Tostlenca Ph.D.

Realizing that perhaps he would live the rest of his life intermittently having no clue how old he was, he sighed “Well, I guess this is growing up.”

Cooler Guy Wears Two Leather Jackets

Posted on by Traye Holland

AUSTIN, Texas — Local cool guy Jared Bellweather left his house wearing two leather jackets in an attempt to double-up on his self-perceived hip appearance, confirmed sources who tried to tell him that’s not how that worked.

“Fashion is all about math. If one leather jacket makes you look cool to the general public, two would naturally enhance the appearance exponentially,” said Bellweather. “Sure, it feels like I’m wearing 40 pounds worth of outerwear as well as every single inch of the skin of a cow, but I’ve never looked so damn good in my life. And it’s already working too. After all, I’m getting so many looks from women as I walk down the street. Men also seem to be staring at me. Old people too. Also children, but they just seem to point and laugh uncontrollably. Everyone is clearly looking toward me as a style icon. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.”

Friends of Bellweather weren’t quite sure how to broach the subject and tell him that he looked foolish.

“It was excruciating to watch him enter my party wearing two leather jackets. After all, it’s 75 degrees out and this is a pool party,” said longtime friend Chelsea Bentaurs. “Worse than that, he never took either of the jackets off the entire time he was here. What an idiot. If you’re going to wear more than one leather jacket at once, it should be more like five or six. That way it at least seems like you’re making some sort of daring fashion statement. I think that’s how fashion works. Anyway, none of us know how to break it to him, so we simply won’t.”

Style experts had some strong opinions regarding objectively questionable apparel choices.

“The most important fashion eras were all about pushing boundaries that we made up at the time,” said wardrobe stylist Marina Vonna. “But the cardinal rule is that you never want to wear the same exact thing as the thing you are already wearing. For instance, remember that phase where people would wear two studded belts at once or two different-colored polos at the same time? That was embarrassing as hell. It’s just like that famous quote: ‘Those who do not learn fashion history are doomed to repeat it.’”

At press time, Bellweather took off both leather jackets after agreeing they looked silly, but instead wore two tiny beanies simultaneously.

Every Tiger Army Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

Tiger Army is probably the most recognizable American psychobilly band. The genre’s “third wave” lines up well with the release of Tiger Army’s first album in 1999, and their rise in popularity over the following decade. (And yes, there are several alleged waves of psychobilly music, because labeling and debating music history is what music reviewers love most.) Whether they were confusing punk kids at the Warped Tour with their first psychobilly experience, or just confusing old-hat psychobilly fans by not singing with the genre’s default Scandinavian accent, Tiger Army brought their own unique blend of psychobilly and Americana to the early 2000s punk scene. This week, we tuned out the pompadoured shouting of several over-opinionated psychobilly fans long enough to rank Tiger Army’s entire catalog. After four hours of the upright bass’s CLACK-CLACK-CLACK drove us to madness, we made the following list of their albums ranked from worst to best:

Honorable Mention: Nick 13 “Self-Titled” (2011)

Yes, we know this is a country album and not technically released under the official Tiger Army brand. If you’re that bothered by it, scroll down a little and you’ll find the psychobilly reviews you’re so hungry for. The rest of us can appreciate that Tiger Army has always been heavily influenced by country/western music. Nick 13 dropped the decidedly un-psycho “Outlaw Heart” into his band’s first album, and it’s still their most popular song 25 years later. His solo project is not the twangy alt-country that hypes up crowds at the county fair. It’s a sincere and well polished collection of Americana by an artist who clearly knows and loves it. Tiger Army classics “Cupid’s Victim” and “In The Orchard” both get the country treatment here. The former sounds like one of those mashups where they change the genre of a song with AI. If you and your country-loving coworker can’t agree on what to play in the car while you drive him to work after the court took his license away, this is a decent compromise.

Play it again: “Carry My Body Down”
Skip it: If you’re not open-minded enough for a country album from a psychobilly vocalist, you’ll probably skip the whole thing. And that’s fine, you’re not its target audience.

6. Retrofuture (2019)

This was a tough one. “Retrofuture” is a wide-ranging sampler of genres. There’s some rock, Americana, a little psychobilly. There’s even a love ballad about the moon that’s entirely in Spanish. The songs all work. Nothing feels forced or like it was included just for the sake of adding another genre to the list. It all feels like a Tiger Army Album. But this showcase of Nick 13’s range is exactly what puts it last on this list. It is one of those albums that so clearly separates a band’s “new stuff” from their “old stuff”. If you’ve been a fan of Tiger Army since the beginning, this isn’t psychobilly enough to meet your expectations. And if you haven’t been a fan since the beginning, what made you start with their new album, in 2019? Overall, it’s good, but something has to be last on this list, and it honestly came down to semantics.

Play it again: “Last Ride”
Skip it: “Night Flower”

5. V •••– (2016)

This is their fifth album. Its name is derived from the Roman numeral V, representing the number 5, and the corresponding morse code for the letter V, not the number 5, which would have been too logical. We ranked it 5th overall because this was confusing and also because their first four albums were better than this one. “V” has a more relaxed bluesy style than previous Tiger Army offerings, and way more piano. Neither of these take away from the quality of the album, but it’s not exactly what the cuffed-jeans-and-flat-top crowd gets excited about. Nick 13, with yet another brand new lineup, chose dark ominous tones more often than the dark ominous lyrics typical of his contemporaries. Tiger Army’s music is mostly free of the usual tropes about zombies, banging dead people, or just how awesome horror movies are in general, and “V” is no exception. Any talk of haunting is in reference to the dreams of a lover, not ghouls.

Play it again: “Firefall”
Skip it: “In The Morning Light”

4. Self-Titled (1999)

We could have just ranked these all in reverse chronological order. And there’s maybe a good argument to be made in favor of that. But that seemed too “their first album was better” of us, so we decided to nitpick production quality on these early ones. This self-titled debut goes hard from the beginning, with the clacking double bass intro on “Nocturnal” prepping us for a textbook example of late-1990s/early-2000s psychobilly. “Tiger Army” does a better job than most of using show-not-tell lyrics about fog and the night rather than gore and body horror to tell its story. The only real problem with this album comes about three or four songs in when you realize that double bass CLICK is not just a choice they made for the opening song, but rather the result of sound mixing that left it way too prominent in the final product. It’s distracting enough that this album gets knocked down several ranks for this alone.

Play it again: “Outlaw Heart”
Skip it: “Devil Girl”

3. Music From Regions Beyond (2007)

This was the first album Tiger Army released since their debut that didn’t have Roman numerals in its name. It was at the time the cleanest sounding record they had released. It lives in the uncanny valley between their faster early albums and Nick 13’s more experimental later work with its lengthy love ballads and Spanish guitar. This fourth album meant a fourth personnel change as well. Nick 13 is the only remaining member of Tiger Army’s original lineup. It’s impressive that they kept a fairly consistent style through these first few albums, but that goes to show how much this band has always just been singer/songwriter/guitarist Nick 13 with a rotating assortment of backing musicians on bass and drums. “Regions Beyond” continued the trend started by “Ghost Tigers” of Tiger Army getting more mellow with age. It’s not entirely without punk energy – there are a few screamo bits in “Hotprowl,” for example – but this album lacks the energy of their earlier work.

Play it again: “Forever Fades Away”
Skip it: “Hechizo De Amor”

2. Tiger Army III: Ghost Tigers Rise (2004)

Do you hear it? That click is back. What’s with the ever-changing sound levels between each of these first four records? “Power of Moonlight,” for example, has almost no detectable bass click. And the same person is credited on bass for both albums (a record at the time for any of the 7 current or former backing members of this 3-piece group) but each sounds completely different. It’s one of life’s great mysteries. Anyways, “Ghost Tigers” starts out as an indisputable psychobilly record before shifting gradually into a calmer, genre-bending jam session. We’re shown an Americana-influenced sound that focuses more than its predecessors on Nick 13’s soothing vocals. If you’re upset that this album wasn’t first on our list, you probably would have enjoyed Nick 13’s country album had you not skipped it when we tried to bring it up earlier. You should go back and listen to “Nick 13” before you read the next entry. We’ll wait for you.

Play it again: “Swift Silent Deadly”
Skip it: “The Long Road”

1. Tiger Army II: Power of Moonlight (2001)

Welcome back. Does the steel guitar on “In The Orchard” make more sense now? Oh, you still didn’t listen to the country album? Of course you didn’t. More importantly, doesn’t this remind you of early AFI? It should, since it features loads of guest vocals from Davey Havok, as well as the bass support of AFI’s recently separated Geoff Kresge. If one of your friends suddenly started wearing creepers and a pompadour in 2002, “Power of Moonlight” is likely the album that got them into the psycho scene. It perfectly blends Nick 13’s punk roots with his affinity for any style that can be played on an upright bass. At a punk-appropriate runtime of 13 tracks and under 40 minutes, this album had no room for duds or filler. “When the Night Comes Down”, in particular, sets a high bar for future psychobilly acts to follow when they, too, write their scene-mandated songs about being in love with vampires.

Play it again: This whole album. Repeat as necessary to achieve desired effect.
Skip it: Nothing. Just press play and enjoy the next 36 minutes.

Man Plans to Introduce His “You Don’t Know What Cold Weather Is” Friend to His “This Ain’t a Traffic Jam” Friend

Posted on by Mark Shady

CHICAGO – Local man Chad Hester finally made the decision to introduce his “you don’t know what cold weather is” friend to his “this ain’t a traffic jam” friend early this morning, confirmed sources close to the situation.

“I’ve known both for a very long time and, from what I can gather from conversations with them, they’d really hit it off. They’ve got first-hand knowledge of the subjects they love to talk about, sometimes for hours and hours even when people desperately try to change the subject,” said Hester. “Friendship, to me, is all about a true connection and also learning something from a new person. I think they both possess that skill, or talent, if you will. For some reason, it just seems right. I’m actually thinking this could be a beautiful bromance.”

Daniel Dogwood, the “cold weather” friend, recounted an instance where he set the weather record straight with Hester.

“Chad and I were meeting at a coffee shop one day. He made an off-the-cuff comment that we should get inside soon, get some hot coffee, warm-up, and talk. I was like, ‘you’re cold? This is Florida weather, dude! What are you talking about?’ He was confused at first, but after I sort-of set the record straight, if you will and explained that I had been in cold weather that’d make his head spin, I think he understood a little better. Then I lit up a cigarette and was like ‘I’ll see you inside man. I’m gonna stay outside and enjoy this.’”

Randell Worthers, the “traffic jam” friend, reported a palpable excitement regarding his upcoming meeting with Dogwood.

“Chad and I like to take a lot of road trips together to get a lot of male bonding time. He’s always worried that there’s gonna be traffic wherever we go,” said Worthers while gesturing to his Waze app. “I’m always like, ‘dude, I lived in LA and was on the 405 every day. Now that’s traffic. This is nothing. Calm down.’ That’s when the conversation shifted to this new friend he wants me to meet. Guy sounds cool. I love the idea of my mind being challenged, you know? When you stop learning, you stop living. Sounds like Daniel could really match my wits about a lot. I also think I could impart some wisdom on him about some things. Sharing my knowledge is a gift.”

Hester had also expressed that if this meeting works out and the two of them hit it off, he’d be very interested in introducing his, “you think that’s crazy? Listen to this story” friend to his “this ain’t real turbulence” traveling companion.

Opinion: Sure, I Have a Soul-Crushing Job Now but With Hard Work in 30 Years I’ll Be Dead

Posted on by Trevor Graham

If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a living nightmare of a job that takes every ounce of your being to make it through the workday. The inter-office politics, the endless meetings, the constant email notifications, training seminars, the commute, fucking anything Microsoft, the team-building exercises where you pretend you’re all friends and wouldn’t throw each other under the corporate bus for even a chance at getting more recognition, the drudgery of it all. It can all seem like too much sometimes but I have good news. In just a few decades, if you put in the hard work and with a little bit of planning, once you have reached the right age, you can just die.

But to do this right you need to put in some effort. Once you hit 65 you want your body to stop working in every way possible and surrender to the great unknown. What does that mean? It means go wild with your lifestyle choices now. Eat like shit all the time. This should be easy since the only meal you actually have time to eat is the greasy fast food garbage you shovel down as you sit at your desk. And drink… a lot. Alcohol is essentially poison and if you have enough over the coming years it will hasten your arrival at the gates of the eternal afterlife. Just kidding, there’s no heaven. There’s no anything – that’s the point!

Ask yourself, what is your plan for once the monolithic clusterfuck of Capitalism has squeezed every last bit of labor out of you? Retirement? Nah, not with the kind of money you make. You’d need to work three lifetimes to make that happen. Winning the lottery? An inheritance from some rich uncle you never met? Starting your own successful business selling THC-infused mushroom coffee or some bullshit? These are all pipe dreams which, don’t get me wrong, are a great thing to fantasize about as you stare through your computer screen 9,10, possibly 12 hours a day, but they are not a real plan for your later years. No, the only true way to retire is to accept The Grim Reaper’s cold embrace.

Just think, as you are lying there gasping out your last breath and are about to drift off into the endless void of non-existence all the stress, anxiety, and tear-inducing boredom you had to endure during your time at work will all be forgotten, and will have made no impact on the world in even the slightest way. Doesn’t that just make it all seem worthwhile? It will be a seamless transition off this mortal coil also since you’ve been dead inside for years.

Explosive Exposé Reveals How Music Industry Created Nirvana To Sell Graphic Tees At Target 30 Years Later

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

NEW YORK – A tell-all HBO documentary is sending shockwaves through America after revealing the iconic grunge band Nirvana was an industry plant created in1987 specifically to sell branded clothing at Target decades later, the exposé’s director has confirmed.

“For years I heard whispers behind closed doors from industry folks that there was much more to Nirvana’s origin than the media lets on,” said Victor Pomello, the man behind “Something in the Cart: The Untold Truth of Target’s Nirvana.” “Still, I had no idea just how deeply sinister the real story actually was. Our team spent years scouring documents, interviewing hundreds of witnesses, and piecing together the harsh reality: Nirvana was not actually a band, but a carefully crafted campaign orchestrated by savvy marketing professionals to hawk overpriced T-shirts to future generations of impressionable consumers.”

The exposé, which had already climbed to the top of Max’s trending list, has been strongly rebuked by Target executives as “libelous in nature” and “a total farce.”

“Everyone knows that Nirvana formed on their own in Aberdeen, Washington. Our company had absolutely nothing to do with it,” said Target’s Chief Merchandise Officer Patricia Singh, wiping sweat from her brow with an “In Utero” handkerchief. “Yes, Target sells multiple Nirvana-branded clothing items, phone cases, and other products, and yes, they continue to grow steadily in popularity with each passing year, as predict—ahem—as the data seems to be showing. We just got lucky that teens are spending millions of dollars each fiscal quarter on merchandise for an effortlessly cool band that definitely was not concocted from feedback from dozens of focus groups.”

Claiming to have had “no goddamn idea,” Dave Grohl, Nirvana’s drummer from 1990 to 1994, took to Instagram Live to express his astonishment after watching the investigative documentary.

“By the time I joined the band we were already picking up serious steam. We never really talked about the early years or how they actually got started,” Grohl conceded. “Now that I think about it. I do vaguely remember Kurt and Krist sometimes whispering about some weird contract and they always had ‘business’ in Minneapolis. One time Krist got drunk and started referring to the band as ‘Operation Target profit,’ but I didn’t really read into it at the time because we had just signed to Geffen. Fuck man, this is crazy. I can’t believe this. Were the Foo Fighters real? Is anything real? ”

At press time, details surfaced that Weezer reportedly took a $100 million bribe from the California Real Estate Association to release the song “Beverly Hills.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Escape The General Malaise of Modern Life

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Yet another lifeless week has passed you by without fanfare. While you’ve tried to keep a cool head about it, you feel your relevancy and cultural intelligence fading fast. You might not know what to do about it, but we have an idea. It’s called music and literally dozens of people are listening to it right now, blissfully unaware of your tasteless and boring existence. We can’t stand to see you get left behind, so we’ve compiled six new tracks for you to cram into your earholes this instant. Give them a listen and send us a thank you card when your friends start speaking to you again.

Los Campesinos! “A Psychic Wound”

Earlier this week, Los Campesinos! shocked fans with the release of their first new song in almost a decade. As if that wasn’t enough, they doubled up and released yet another certified banger, ‘A Psychic Wound,’ just a few days later. We had a whole thing written up for their previous single, ‘Feast of Tongues.’ We were going to scold you for your English degree and make fun of you for not being able to dance. At the rate LC! is releasing tracks, though, we decided to stay on the safe side and save the A-material for when they drop ten more singles next week or something.

Another Michael “I’m Your Roommate”

If our roommate was even half as dreamy as Philadelphia’s dream-pop duo ‘Another Michael,’ we probably wouldn’t care as much about the fact that they never do their dishes. We might also forgive them for owing us nearly 4,000 dollars. Until they get their shit together or we gather the courage to kick them out, we’ll have to listen to the aforementioned band’s latest single ‘I’m Your Roommate’ and pretend we never answered that Craigslist ad several years ago.

White Reaper/Spiritual Cramp Split

Though our dirtbag roommate is currently three weeks late on rent, they’ve been in an exceptionally chipper mood lately. This is because White Reaper and Spiritual Cramp released a split single this week. We’re not gonna say it doesn’t rip, but we are concerned with how much our roomie has been singing lines like ‘suck the life out of the oxygen’ and ‘things are getting pretty bad.’ At least both songs are catchy as hell, we guess.

Dear Francis “Touchdown (4-Track)”

Jennifer Calvin of Mika Miko and Bleached recently announced her solo project ‘Dear Francis’ and released a bedroom recording entitled ‘Touchdown.’ With its wispy vocals reminiscent of Elliott Smith armed with more sports metaphors, the track offers a subdued version of Calvin’s more brash offerings in her respective bands. Imagine if your voice memo song ideas were actually compelling and you’ll have a good idea of what this sounds like.

The Blood Brothers “Trash Flavored Trash”

Throughout the week, 911 calls rose by about 1000% as EMS crews worked tirelessly to free well-meaning but aged citizens from their skinny jeans and youth medium tee shirts. The rise of dangerously constrictive clothing incidents probably has something to do with the fact that The Blood Brothers announced their first tour since their brief reunion in 2014. If you plan on catching them out this fall, maybe don’t tell your therapist.

Too lazy to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you finally have good taste.

“I Like the Strokes” and 10 Other Neutral Statements for When You Don’t Really Wanna Reveal Anything About Your Taste

Posted on by John Adkins

When you’ve got weird-ass taste, sometimes it’s easier to just go with the flow and try to get along with the teva-wearing normies at the backyard BBQ you reluctantly attended by keeping your opinions about Marquee Moon to yourself. To help you out, here are 10 neutral statements that’ll keep you from opening the can of worms that is your taste:

“Mmmm Yes I’ll Have Your Local IPA”

IPAs used to basically scream, “holy shit, this dude is like a bread-water sommelier!” but thanks to Peaky Blinder-lookin’ Father John Misty fans, they were ruined a long time ago. So now, an IPA reveals nothing about your taste except that you like to get drunk faster than your friends. But hey, if you wanna get funky with it, you can even chuck around the word “hops” to describe your IPA. Cuz what the fuck is a hop? No one knows! And if you’re talking to someone who ACTUALLY knows, you should probably get the hell out of that convo.

“Yeah, I Had a Radiohead Phase in College.”

Here’s a spiel (feel free to copy it word for word) in case you wanna provide any details about that super unique and special phase of your life: “What? Yeah. I WAS an English major. Switched to Psych and sociology though. My favorite Radiohead record? Oh for sure it’s gotta be “Kid A.” WAIT! “In Rainbows.” Gotta be “In Rainbows.” Yeah. And wow, Johnny Greenwood. That dude is GOOD at guitar. And he does music scores! Have you seen *insert any Paul Thomas Anderson movie*?”

“I Played Soccer Growing Up”

This is the kind of neutral statement you can drop into a conversation like one of those “grow-a-dinosaur” things that you plop into a glass of water. But instead of a limp, soggy dino, you get a limp, soggy conversation about childhood sports. Which is pretty much the same thing.

“I Buy All My Records at Barnes & Noble.”

The Barnes & Noble record section might be the last (and first) bastion of curating neutral taste. Plus, who doesn’t love buying a Lana Del Rey record with a frosty Frappuccino in your hand? And look over there! It’s a whole wall of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumours!’

“I Mean, Come On, it’s The Beatles”

The ultimate “yeah, duh” of music. The only way you can mess this up is if you happen to be listening to a song that’s NOT the Beatles. In which case, you’re a stupid idiot person. Of course, there’s the off-chance that you run into a Beatles-hater. And in that case, you’ve entered a conversation with someone who enjoys the sound of their voice over pretty much anything else––buckle up for some hardcore listening!

“I Bet They’re AWESOME Live.”

Works for literally any band. Why? Because even if a band DOES suck live, no one wants to admit that they wasted their hard-earned moolah on a ticket to a Limp Bizkit cover band show where Bud Light seltzers cost 40 bucks a pop. So yeah. I bet they were AWESOME live.

“Man, They Totally Crushed the Mix on This Song!”

You don’t know what you’re talking about. They don’t know what you’re talking about. Ignorance is bliss, baby.

“Yeah, I DID Listen to All of Andre 3000’s Flute Record”

Chances are, you’re probably talking to someone who isn’t even aware that this album existed. All they know is that Andre 3000 sings “Hey Ya” from that video game “Just Dance 2” and that flutes are an instrument. And never the two shall meet. But they did. And If there were ever two things to cancel each other out, it’s Andre 3000 and a goddamn flute.

As Rick Rubin Says, “an Idea is an Idea”

While this might not be a REAL Rick Rubin quote, we’re pretty friggin’ sure that this is the kind of thing he would say in a podcast clip that ends up on your buddy Jeff’s Instagram story with a “mind-blown” emoji (and also a syringe emoji, quite inexplicably). But the point is, this quote is SO neutral that it might stop the whole conversation altogether. “An idea is an idea?” Where do you go from there? NOWHERE, DAMMIT! Unless, ya know, someone wants to talk about Rick Rubin and in that case, get ready to be even more confused.

“Haha yes! This IS a Nirvana T-Shirt. Good Eye!”

You know the one. The one with the smiley face and the tongue and the X’s for eyes. The one that’s permanently on sale at Target. Wait you’re telling me this is actually a Blink-182 shirt? Fuck.