AUSTIN, Texas — Local cool guy Jared Bellweather left his house wearing two leather jackets in an attempt to double-up on his self-perceived hip appearance, confirmed sources who tried to tell him that’s not how that worked.
“Fashion is all about math. If one leather jacket makes you look cool to the general public, two would naturally enhance the appearance exponentially,” said Bellweather. “Sure, it feels like I’m wearing 40 pounds worth of outerwear as well as every single inch of the skin of a cow, but I’ve never looked so damn good in my life. And it’s already working too. After all, I’m getting so many looks from women as I walk down the street. Men also seem to be staring at me. Old people too. Also children, but they just seem to point and laugh uncontrollably. Everyone is clearly looking toward me as a style icon. Can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner.”
Friends of Bellweather weren’t quite sure how to broach the subject and tell him that he looked foolish.
“It was excruciating to watch him enter my party wearing two leather jackets. After all, it’s 75 degrees out and this is a pool party,” said longtime friend Chelsea Bentaurs. “Worse than that, he never took either of the jackets off the entire time he was here. What an idiot. If you’re going to wear more than one leather jacket at once, it should be more like five or six. That way it at least seems like you’re making some sort of daring fashion statement. I think that’s how fashion works. Anyway, none of us know how to break it to him, so we simply won’t.”
Style experts had some strong opinions regarding objectively questionable apparel choices.
“The most important fashion eras were all about pushing boundaries that we made up at the time,” said wardrobe stylist Marina Vonna. “But the cardinal rule is that you never want to wear the same exact thing as the thing you are already wearing. For instance, remember that phase where people would wear two studded belts at once or two different-colored polos at the same time? That was embarrassing as hell. It’s just like that famous quote: ‘Those who do not learn fashion history are doomed to repeat it.’”
At press time, Bellweather took off both leather jackets after agreeing they looked silly, but instead wore two tiny beanies simultaneously.