Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Doom Rock Band Has Full Vehicle Inspection and Oil Change as Merch Items

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Zac Lux

PORTLAND, Ore. — Doom metal veterans Flaccid Obelisk is selling coupons for a full vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil change as exclusive merch items at their shows, excited metalheads and car owners confirm.

“We ran out of XXL cutoff shirts a quarter of the way into the tour, so we had to get creative,” said guitarist Phil “Battleaxe” Pruitt. “That’s when we realized, ‘Hey, we’re all mechanics! We all work at the same auto repair shop when we’re not touring, so let’s just bring our pain in the ass day job along.’ So, we melt our fans’ faces at night, and fix their car the next day. Besides, we don’t want to get rusty, you know.”

When word spread of Flaccid Obelisk’s third Pacific Northwest tour of the year and their sweet new merch deal, their audience size tripled.

“I saw their merch table on the venue’s Instagram and immediately got in line,” said fan Andrew Popilon. “I haven’t heard their music — I’m more of a Lin-Manuel Miranda guy myself — but I know a good deal when I see one. I’ve been driving a ‘96 Accord for the past 24 years, and it runs as well as you’d expect. $5 for a ticket to this crappy venue, for a $10 vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil change? Of course I’m gonna come to the show.”

Dr. Slovenia Rook, professor of Merchandising Accessories for Rock and Roll at Carnegie Mellon University, noted that it’s all too common for an unconventional piece of merch to pique the most interest.

“You see it all the time, especially when musicians are used to making money from working… shall we say, real jobs,” Dr. Rook said. “It’s hard to transition from something so fruitful to the harrowing plight of the road. Many of these heavy metal rockers are just looking for comfort. So they turn to what they know: which most of the time, is something involving automotive mechanics, HVAC repair, or pizza making.”

At press time, the band was working a bikini car wash in the parking lot for gas money home.

Four Days of Crest White Strips to Undo Eight Years of Not Flossing

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Krissy Howard

MANCHESTER, N.H. — A small portion of a box of Crest White Strips is being tasked with undoing the damage that comes with eight years of not flossing, according to frustrated sources.

“My teeth have been looking a little dingy lately, and now that I’m ready to hop back out and get social I need my teeth to look like I haven’t just been eating Nutella and red wine since March of last year,” stated 38-year-old insured man who hasn’t been to a dentist since 2013, Ryan Klein. “These strips I found at my mom’s house are the 3D kind, and it says ‘professional white’ on the box, so you know this shit is legit. It’s basically like getting your teeth cleaned without the hassle of fucking with the parts no one can even see.”

One of the White Strips set to be used says they are up to the Herculean task, but still has reservations.

“Every so often some complete fuck up will manage to save $40 and bring a box of us home, expecting us to work some kind magic despite giving up on the treatment after just a few sessions,” said a White Strip cut for the bottom row of teeth. “I can’t go into someone’s mouth thinking I’m gonna do God’s work. I’m only designed to lay flat on the surface of the teeth, so those yellow stains from leftover food particles and built-on plaque in between the teeth is not my problem, it’s in our contract. Thank goodness for unions.”

Dental health professionals are reportedly pleading with adult human beings everywhere to resist replacing important steps in their hygiene practices with temporary vanity fixes.

“It’s bad enough when people lie about flossing even though we can clearly tell they only flossed the night and morning before their appointment. I can normally tell right away when someone is lying, because as soon as I shine my light into their mouth their gums start bleeding,” said dental hygienist Lucinda Burley. “But coming in for a checkup with the seven of your top teeth looking slightly less yellow than the rest of your disgusting mouth is just insulting. Why do we even do this work?”

At press time, millions of people were seen applying a single layer of sunblock to their faces to make up for a lifetime of ignoring advice to at least wear a hat when outside between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.

We Interview the Demonic Hat That Took Control Of Slash and Made Him Play Guitar Against His Will

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

The Viper Club. “Slippery When Wet.” Drinking way too much shitty vodka in a pool. These are all potent symbols of the Sunset Strip, that famed West Hollywood gutter of excess, kickass guitar riffs and literally everyone wearing eyeshadow all of the time.

There is probably nothing and no one more iconic in the history of hard rock than the demonic top hat that took control of Slash sometime around 1984 and forced him to play high-intensity lead guitar in Guns N’ Roses for years against his will. And we were lucky enough to interview it!

The Hard Times: So how did you get involved with Guns N’ Roses initially?

Demon Hat: You have to remember that when I first emerged from the bowels of Hell, drawn to the cesspool ironically known as “Los Angeles,” it was the ‘80s. Things were a lot wilder, cocaine was basically legal, and demonic possession was a lot more acceptable. There wasn’t this pussy-ass “woke” culture that makes every time a hellbeast seizes the body of an innocent soul into a scandal.

So you were sort of naturally drawn to the music scene?

I spent a few months in the body that would come to be known as “Slash” just partying, but then I realized if I really wanted to get my brim some trim, I would need to hook up with a band, and unfortunately that also meant that asshole Axl [Rose].

Ah, still bad blood there?

I may be an accursed object possessing the body of an innocent man for nefarious purposes, but at least I didn’t write “One in a Million.”

It’s common knowledge that Slash is begging to be released from the infernal bondage of guitar badassery every moment he is on stage. Can you speak to that?

Look, that guy has never gotten with the program. When I met him, he didn’t wear sunglasses all the time. He didn’t own a single pair of leather pants. So, yeah, he didn’t want to play guitar, and certainly not to perform the awe-inspiring solos that I used his bloody fingers for every night on the legendary Use Your Illusion Tour. I mean, he didn’t even want to be called Slash. He wanted to be called “Saul,” for God’s sake.

But even with all his bitching, he was never as bad as fucking Axl. That motherfucker started a riot in Missouri, and over what? Security? Fucking amateur, man. I’m a demonic hat and even I have more professionalism than that.

Do you miss anything about those days?

To tell the truth, I don’t even remember a lot of those days. Lot of coke got snorted off the top of me, know what I mean? I don’t really miss it. A lot of people and hats get stuck in the past, but I really think the music that I’m using unearthly powers to channel through the body of that mortal instrument is the best I’ve ever come up with. If it weren’t for Axl, we’d be playing Slash’s Snakepit material nightly, but nooo, it’s gotta be the same setlist every time.

When we requested an interview, the bandanna that has controlled Axl Rose since 1983 could not be reached.

Tambourine Player Hopes to Take Next Step and Quit Music

Posted on July 19, 2021 by Laura McCarthy

SEATTLE — Local tambourine player Owen Albrecht of prog rock band BSMNT is hoping to follow in the footsteps of idols like Linda McCartney, Tracy Partridge, and whichever person from ABBA played tambourine, and quit music altogether, according to relieved sources.

“I’ve spent thousands of hours on the side of the stage jingling away on the tambourine. Sometimes shaking it. Other times I’d even go so far as clapping with it to the beat. I think I’m ready to take the next step,” Albrecht said of walking off the stage steps and out of the music scene forever. “Plus, it was starting to take a toll on me. Sometimes my wrist hurts so much I’d have to take an Extra Strength Tylenol or even two, and my body just can’t keep up at that rate. After all, I’m not 22 anymore. I’ve been 23 for several months. I know when it’s time to walk away.”

Bandmate and lead guitarist Janie Singh is excited for this new chapter in her colleague’s life after so many years of struggling to jam together.

“We’re sad, but we knew this day would come. It seems like a natural progression for him,” Singh said of Albrecht, who started out on rhythm guitar before transitioning to triangle and ultimately settling on tambourine, where his modest skill set seemed most suited. “We knew he was too superfluous to stick with a great band like us forever. That’s just how the industry works. No hard feelings.”

Legendary music agent Craig Bueller was happy to assist Albrecht in his lack of musical ambitions by dropping him from the band’s record label.

“I’ve been around long enough to spot a big no-talent when I see it,” Bueller, who famously helped expel Yoko Ono from the music industry, told reporters of Albrecht. “He brings so little to the table, even for a tambourine player! I’ve never seen anything like it — he can’t sing, he can’t write, he can’t play any other instrument, and the one he plays, he plays poorly. It’s phenomenal! He’s like, just some guy who answered a Craigslist ad six years ago.”

Building on the momentum of quitting music, Albrecht was last spotted quitting his romantic partnership in favor of “solo pursuits,” albeit not by choice.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Review: Misfits “Collection II”

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Dan Rice

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we review the classic songs off of “Collection II” by legendary New Jersey horror punk, the Misfits.

Audiophiles and purists will tell you that most “best-of” compilations are cheap fodder unfit for “real fans,” but a small handful of them are not only acceptable in a serious record collection, they’re essential. The Misfit’s “Collection II” combines early singles and choice selections from the band’s first two albums to create one of the most iconic groupings of songs in early hardcore punk.

The Misfits stood out by combining angry punk sound with Elvis-era crooning and macabre theatrics, but it is their cinematic influence that truly sets them apart from other bands of their day. Today, we’re going to look at the movies that inspired some of the best songs on “Collection II” so that we might better understand them.

Author’s note: My Wi-fi cut out very early into the research process on this one, but as a lifelong Misfits and movie fan I was able to pull most of the pertinent information from memory. Apologies in advance if I got a date wrong or something!

THX 138
George Lucas isn’t the first name to come to mind when you think of the Misfits, but this classic song would never have existed without him. The creepy dystopian anthem about conformity and dehumanization was inspired by one of his earliest films, 1977’s “Star Wars.” That film’s use of futuristic technology and weaponry inspired Glenn Danzig to pen his own, much bleaker vision of where computers could one day take us.

Last Caress
While perhaps one of the catchiest melodies in the Misfits catalog, this song contains what are arguably their most graphic and offensive lyrics. Fans have long speculated over what could have inspired lines as angry as “I got something to say, I killed a baby today and it doesn’t matter much to me as long as it’s dead.” Look no further than the George Lucas cinema classic “Star Wars” from 1977. Danzig found Darth Vader to be so menacing, he found himself unable to sleep at night until he captured what he considered to be the essence of that character on paper.

Return Of The Fly
It doesn’t take a scholar of punk history to figure out what movie inspired this Misfits banger. The titular “Fly” is clearly a reference to all of the flying going on by spaceships in the George Lucas sci-fi classic, 1977’s “Star Wars.” Danzig goes so far as to sing “Return of the fly with Vincent Price,” clearly using the song as a platform for his long-held belief that Vincent Price should have been in “Star Wars,” possibly as The Emperor.

Horror Hotel
Some people falsely believe “Horror Hotel” to be inspired by an actual haunted hotel the band once stayed at. The name and lyrical theme were actually inspired by a viewing of the 1977 science fiction classic “Star Wars” by George Lucas. Reportedly when Danzig first saw that movie he was so taken aback by all of the bizarre creatures in the Mos Eisley scene that he exclaimed “Woah, it’s like some kind of horror hotel!”

Hate Breeders
You probably didn’t even know this one was inspired by a movie, but it was! Glenn Danzig has always been cinephile, and was a particularly huge fan of the 1977 sci-fi epic “Star Wars.” Like many fans of that film, Danzig was able to deduce the existence of midi-chlorians in its mythos, and decided that the only way Darth Vader could be as powerful with the force as he seemed to be was if he had actually been conceived by the midi-chlorians themselves. Since Darth Vader went on to become a symbol of hate, this essentially made the midi-chlorians “hate breeders.”

Score: 4.5/5 Lightsabers.

Need some Misfits merch in your life? We have some.

/**/

Purple Otter Pop Finds New Life as Makeshift Ice Pack

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Dom Choi

SEATTLE — A six-year-old purple otter pop was granted a new life purpose as a DIY ice pack after a record heat wave hitting the Pacific Northwest left owner Ryan Seok without a way to cool himself down, fellow freezer items confirmed.

“These apartments just don’t come with air conditioning,” said Seok, commenting on the tough time he’s having during the current heatwave. “The Pacific Northwest has been heating up every summer with the wildfires and climate change and all, and you would think Greystar would have put that together in their new template-built complex but apparently not. I’m just lucky I had that purple otter pop left. I had completely forgotten about it. None of my roommates were gonna eat it, ever, and I know I sure as hell won’t.”

The otter pop in question was happy to finally find its moment to shine after countless seasons of being overlooked simply for being disgusting.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment to come my entire life, and I’m just glad he finally chose me,” said the self-proclaimed “grape” flavored tube of frozen purple water. “I mean, summer after summer I saw my friends get picked and enjoyed but I was always pushed to the back. I was lucky if I could even catch a glimpse of the light when Ryan would check for easy meals. I felt like one of Andy’s toys in ‘Toy Story 3’ but now, that’s all behind me.”

Other occupants of Seok’s Kenmore freezer were excited to see the pop’s new lease on life.

“That old pop has been here longer than I have,” said a six-ounce package of Jolly Green Giant peas purchased in 2017. “It was downright inconsolable when the orange one with the weirdly bent end got picked two years ago… never have I seen a freezer pop so broken up, so it really deserves this. I can see it becoming a contender for the neck, armpits and inner thighs for anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes, or until however long it takes for it to revert back to the Kool Aid liquid or whatever it’s made of.”

At time of press, Seok was planning to buy a window air conditioning unit as soon as they return to stores so as not to “degrade himself further.”

God Updates LinkedIn Title to “Content Creation Ninja”

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

HEAVEN — Local divine and benevolent deity, God, updated His LinkedIn profile yesterday, changing His title to Content Creation Ninja in the first step to rebrand Himself and His organization, according to sources.

“God is a household name,” said Jett Johnson, the career coach God hired for this strategic initiative. “Brilliant dude — He invented like, life as we know it. But He hadn’t updated his LinkedIn for literal millennia. He’s rapidly losing networking opportunities to Satan, who lured in connections with drugs, rock music, and some kind of demonic SEO. If God wants to be number one in the LinkedIn search results, He needs to stand out with an aggressive, modern personal brand, like a ‘content creating ninja,’ or at least a ‘multitasking rockstar.’”

God’s LinkedIn page now states that in His role as supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth, He is also a “Commandment Maverick,” “Chief Smiter,” and “Literal Evangelist.”

“I just want to stay relevant,” said God, who at Johnson’s recommendation, changed His profile picture from a Renaissance painting to a selfie holding a fish of His own creation. “My personal brand was all ‘old white guy with a penchant for flooding the Earth,’ and it was not landing with potential connections. Like yeah, I did ask an employee to sacrifice his son to me, but I’m actually just a rad celestial being you’d want to grab a beer with. This new, hip lingo helps represent what I’m really about. And it’s working out; recruiters’ prayers are already up 36%.”

St. Peter of the Pearly Gates, formerly God’s Senior VP of HR, now titled Top Worthy Soul Guru, embraced the changes.

“My job here is to get the right people on the bus, and by that I mean the divine bus that takes the Redeemed to Heaven. We need to make an afterlife in paradise cool again, and that starts with the Big Man himself. I mean, His corporate mission statement is over 2,000 years old. I think we can all agree He desperately needed a makeover, yeah?”

At press time, Johnson had just recommended that God enlist Jesus to do some parent-child dances on His TikTok.

We’ve Almost Figured Out Which Member of Blink-182 Wrote “Aliens Exist”

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Bobby Korec

After years of careful research, it appears we are finally getting closer to identifying which member of Blink-182 wrote the song “Aliens Exist.” You know, track 3 from the band’s iconic album, “The One With the Woman Wearing a Sexy Nurse Outfit On the Cover.”

Sure, we still can’t definitively pinpoint which member of Blink-182 was the songwriter, but after 22 years of research, we’ve finally got a lead. Personally, I really hope it was Matt Skiba who wrote it. I’m a huge fan of Alkaline Trio and it makes complete sense if you really, really think about it. Unfortunately, we haven’t found any definitive evidence whatsoever that it was him. But like I said, we still don’t know for sure, so no reason to rule him out entirely.

One thing we do know for sure is that Travis Barker didn’t have a hand in writing that song. There’s just no way a guy with tattoos all over his head gives a shit about outer space. That clearly eliminates him.

Could it be Mark Hoppus? The band’s bass player, co-frontman, and a guy known for wearing Dickies shorts that fall just above the ankle? He’s certainly never said anything publicly about aliens, nor has he made accusations of their existence, but anything’s possible.

And sure, there is some speculation that it could be Tom DeLonge. For one thing, he performs lead vocals on the entire track. That’s a clue right there.

Also, he’s well known for being really into UFOs and shit. In fact, he even quit the band because the other members weren’t totally on board with pivoting to a concept band about Martians and space invaders. But still, I’m going to need a lot more evidence than his public fascination with the subject to say for sure that he wrote the song. Especially because Matt Skiba totally wrote it.

At this point in our research, we still can’t rule out Scott Raynor either as a potential composer. Call it a hunch, but there’s just something about that guy that screams “Star Wars.” Unfortunately, we may never be 100% sure who wrote the song. Your guess is as good as ours: Matt Skiba.

Man Knows Exactly What to Name Band that Will Never Exist

Posted on July 18, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local barista Jeffrey Stern had a creative breakthrough after thinking of the perfect name for a band that will never exist outside of his mind, according to sources.

“A good band name is a make or break deal. Do you think R.E.M. would have been as big with a different name? Franz Ferdinand? Falco? Especially in a crowded music scene like Chicago, you have to stand out with a name,” Stern said while making an oat milk honey latte for a waiting customer. “My plan is to call the band The Original Lineup. It’s catchy, it’s clever, it’s incredibly funny — those are all key for a band name that sticks in public imagination. As soon as I get a little tighter on bass, the band is going to come together.”

Stern’s girlfriend Tamara Burton is less sure about his commitment to the imaginary project.

“Let me put it this way,” Burton said. “Jeffrey is a great idea guy. He is constantly talking about the plans he’s going to put together, but he has no follow through. This band thing is just another one to put on the ‘never gonna happen’ list with the novel he has a great premise for, the screenplay he just needs to get some notes down on, and the boat he was dead set to name ‘The Carp Dio.’ And that one didn’t even make sense; is it about fish, or about Dio? He can’t even swim.”

Behavioral therapist Dr. Martha Carter said she has seen many cases like Stern’s before.

“The dream of a great band often begins and ends with a name,” Dr. Carter said. “Sadly, the individuals who often have the greatest creativity for a name frequently find they have squandered their entire artistic energy on something like The Apples a Day. Most people simply can’t acknowledge to themselves that a name is as far as they will ever get with a band, and they should be satisfied if it’s even as decent as Boomtown Rats.”

As of press time, Stern was coming up with names for a coffee shop that he will never open.

Report: Being Crushed by Falling Piano Still Funniest Way to Die

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — A CDC annual report detailing the various causes of death in the United States noted that “being crushed by a falling piano,” while unlikely, is the manner of death most likely to garner a laugh.

“We comb through tens of thousands of recorded deaths per year, so it’s not uncommon to see some real head scratchers. But one cause of death that always has us rolling on the office floor is the ol’ crushed by a falling piano bit,” said researcher Jim Franklin. “Accidental deaths are quite tragic, yes. But the circumstances leading to a piano death make it that much more hysterical. We usually find that the deceased had just stopped to pick up a quarter off the sidewalk, or had just been splashed by a passing car while being late for work immediately before being obliterated by a 700-pound grand piano falling from the top of a building, a bridge, or in some cases, a cliff in the middle of the desert.”

The impact of piano-related deaths has also mirrored the CDC’s sentiment within the funeral home industry.

“We do our best to ensure that every former loved one who enters our home is treated with the utmost dignity and respect. That being said, I’d be lying if I said we didn’t like to have fun every once in a while. I’ve seen quite a few piano deaths in my 40-year career, and the funerals we had for them have been absolute screamers,” said funeral home director George Blumenfeld. “I’ve always felt our services should be a celebration of life, so what better way to do that than to replace their teeth with piano keys, or make a tie stick up all bendy like an out of tune piano string in a cartoon? It can really take the edge off of an otherwise tense ordeal, and I’ve yet to hear a single complaint.”

Piano manufacturers have leaned in on their products inadvertently killing people, seeing it as free publicity.

“There really isn’t a huge market for baby grand pianos in this day and age, so when we hear that some poor sap gets flattened by one of our products we basically cut our marketing budget in half. No such thing as bad publicity,” said Steinway PR representative Joan Withers. “Our last commercial was just a picture of an obituary for a guy who was squashed by our K-52 model with ‘Yakety Sax’ playing over it. Our sales were up 300% that quarter.”

The CDC report also revealed the second and third funniest causes of death in 2020 were crashing into a wall painted as a tunnel, and trampolining off of an adjacent cliff, respectively.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we review the classic songs off of “Collection II” by legendary New Jersey horror punk, the Misfits.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News