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Tambourine Player Hopes to Take Next Step and Quit Music

SEATTLE — Local tambourine player Owen Albrecht of prog rock band BSMNT is hoping to follow in the footsteps of idols like Linda McCartney, Tracy Partridge, and whichever person from ABBA played tambourine, and quit music altogether, according to relieved sources.

“I’ve spent thousands of hours on the side of the stage jingling away on the tambourine. Sometimes shaking it. Other times I’d even go so far as clapping with it to the beat. I think I’m ready to take the next step,” Albrecht said of walking off the stage steps and out of the music scene forever. “Plus, it was starting to take a toll on me. Sometimes my wrist hurts so much I’d have to take an Extra Strength Tylenol or even two, and my body just can’t keep up at that rate. After all, I’m not 22 anymore. I’ve been 23 for several months. I know when it’s time to walk away.”

Bandmate and lead guitarist Janie Singh is excited for this new chapter in her colleague’s life after so many years of struggling to jam together.

“We’re sad, but we knew this day would come. It seems like a natural progression for him,” Singh said of Albrecht, who started out on rhythm guitar before transitioning to triangle and ultimately settling on tambourine, where his modest skill set seemed most suited. “We knew he was too superfluous to stick with a great band like us forever. That’s just how the industry works. No hard feelings.”

Legendary music agent Craig Bueller was happy to assist Albrecht in his lack of musical ambitions by dropping him from the band’s record label.

“I’ve been around long enough to spot a big no-talent when I see it,” Bueller, who famously helped expel Yoko Ono from the music industry, told reporters of Albrecht. “He brings so little to the table, even for a tambourine player! I’ve never seen anything like it — he can’t sing, he can’t write, he can’t play any other instrument, and the one he plays, he plays poorly. It’s phenomenal! He’s like, just some guy who answered a Craigslist ad six years ago.”

Building on the momentum of quitting music, Albrecht was last spotted quitting his romantic partnership in favor of “solo pursuits,” albeit not by choice.

Photo by Senny Mau.