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God Updates LinkedIn Title to “Content Creation Ninja”

HEAVEN — Local divine and benevolent deity, God, updated His LinkedIn profile yesterday, changing His title to Content Creation Ninja in the first step to rebrand Himself and His organization, according to sources.

“God is a household name,” said Jett Johnson, the career coach God hired for this strategic initiative. “Brilliant dude — He invented like, life as we know it. But He hadn’t updated his LinkedIn for literal millennia. He’s rapidly losing networking opportunities to Satan, who lured in connections with drugs, rock music, and some kind of demonic SEO. If God wants to be number one in the LinkedIn search results, He needs to stand out with an aggressive, modern personal brand, like a ‘content creating ninja,’ or at least a ‘multitasking rockstar.’”

God’s LinkedIn page now states that in His role as supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth, He is also a “Commandment Maverick,” “Chief Smiter,” and “Literal Evangelist.”

“I just want to stay relevant,” said God, who at Johnson’s recommendation, changed His profile picture from a Renaissance painting to a selfie holding a fish of His own creation. “My personal brand was all ‘old white guy with a penchant for flooding the Earth,’ and it was not landing with potential connections. Like yeah, I did ask an employee to sacrifice his son to me, but I’m actually just a rad celestial being you’d want to grab a beer with. This new, hip lingo helps represent what I’m really about. And it’s working out; recruiters’ prayers are already up 36%.”

St. Peter of the Pearly Gates, formerly God’s Senior VP of HR, now titled Top Worthy Soul Guru, embraced the changes.

“My job here is to get the right people on the bus, and by that I mean the divine bus that takes the Redeemed to Heaven. We need to make an afterlife in paradise cool again, and that starts with the Big Man himself. I mean, His corporate mission statement is over 2,000 years old. I think we can all agree He desperately needed a makeover, yeah?”

At press time, Johnson had just recommended that God enlist Jesus to do some parent-child dances on His TikTok.