Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Fire Truck Being a Bit Dramatic

Posted on September 20, 2021 by Jason VanSlycke

TORONTO — A local fire truck en route to a fire reportedly honked and blared its siren despite there being no vehicles obstructing its path after all traffic politely pulled over to allow the emergency vehicle passage, witnesses confirmed.

“What the hell was that? We were all pulled over, we all saw the flashing lights from a mile away,” said annoyed motorist Steve Tinto. “We all know the protocol, dude. There’s no one blocking him. At one point it stopped in the middle of an intersection and just went to town like it was trying to blow out the windows of a condo they are building on the corner. Why’s that thing gotta lay on the horn like that? Jesus, that’s so fucking rude. And loud, very, very loud.”

The neighbor who reported the fire was also disappointed in the fire truck’s highly dramatic and inappropriate behavior, and expressed concerned about the effects it may have on her young children.

“That truck is a bit of a drama queen. We get it, you’re big and loud. Who cares? My kids might have hearing damage now because that damn truck wanted everyone to know it was about to go be heroic. Big whoop, I saved a baby bird last week and you don’t see me demanding a parade,” ranted Karen Boison. “I never would have even called them if I had known they were going to make such a scene. These are adult fire trucks we’re talking about. Aren’t they taught to remain calm and orderly during an emergency?”

The fire truck offered an apology to the community, but gave no sign that this behavior would cease.

“It’s been a tough week, man. There’s been a lot of frustration building up, and I needed to scream for a bit,” reported Rick, a triple combination apparatus truck. “My life is just driving from fire to fire and the occasional preschool to show off how high my ladder can go. I wanna go to the beach. I wanna go to California and cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway. I want to sleep under the stars. I want to have a life.”

“I’m sorry if I’m loud sometimes, but that’s just how they built me. If I make a peep in the firehouse, they yell at me,” added the fire truck. “I think I’m depressed but the firemen would laugh at me if I told them. Just let me scream and honk, okay? It’s all I have.”

At press time, an unmarked cop car was reportedly seen backing up into a wall repeatedly after an argument with his ambulance mistress.

Man’s General Outlook on State of Humanity Changes Around Six Times While Scrolling Through Twitter

Posted on September 20, 2021 by Gabe Porter

RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Local man Camden Singh had his overall worldview and philosophy shattered then reformed no less than six times while using social media app Twitter, sources confirmed.

“I’ll be flicking my thumb mindlessly until I see a post that completely upends my ideology. The other day I saw this huge thread about climate change,” began Singh, as he endlessly scrolled with his thumb. “It said that we’re gonna all be dead soon and that the planet won’t be habitable. I knew then and there that mankind was nothing more than beasts. We are the makers of our own doom, and it is one that we fully deserve. But after that, I saw this heartwarming post about a couple who adopted this old cat and I realized how wrong I was, only to realize again that humanity truly is horrible after I saw a thread about everything George Bush has done. It would almost be thrilling if it wasn’t slowly chipping away at any sense of humanity I have left.”

Friends close to Singh said they’ve grown worried by his ever-changing mind.

“He’ll just stand in the corner, glass-eyed,” Biannca MacDonald, a longtime friend of Singh, began. “Sometimes I’ll hear a little groan of disapproval. That’s when I know he saw a thread about people getting wrongfully evicted. But a couple of seconds later he’ll have a little grin on his face, probably because of some fundraising event that he won’t actually donate to. I’ve been trying to reach him and let him know it’s alright to not be on Twitter, but when I tried to make him get off he screamed something about a community fridge. So I think I might have lost him for good.”

Singh said he sees nothing wrong with his habits.

“Okay, some people might not be able to handle this much new information, but luckily I have found a great method for dealing with it,” he said. “I simply don’t actually absorb anything I read. It washes over and influences me, but it’s no big deal. Whatever it did to me will be undone within the minute, or however long it takes to watch a TikTok about hemming oversized jeans without using a sewing machine, or an infographic about microplastics. It’s all a great balancing act.”

At press time, Singh figured out that nothing in the universe means anything, but upon seeing a GIF of a prairie dog using a pistachio muffin as a pillow, realized that we all find our own meanings.

We Sat Down With U2 Because the Meeting Just Appeared in Our Calendar One Day

Posted on September 20, 2021 by Kendra Mosenson

Last week, the one iPhone shared by the entire Hard Times staff got a calendar alert, which was weird because we thought we deleted that app. Anyway, we were shocked to see that we had an interview scheduled with the legendary classic rock radio station band, U2. While we’re not sure how this meeting got put in our phone in the first place, we jumped at the chance to speak with rock icons and marketing geniuses, Bono and Pals.

The Hard Times: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us. Honestly, we don’t really know how this happened.
Bono: You’re actually not the first interviewer to say that to us. Wink wink. Did you know I pick out which sunglasses to wear to these things weeks in advance?

Did you just say “wink wink?”
Bono: Well you wouldn’t have seen me wink through these glasses, now would you?

Damn. You got us. Well, no one from our team remembers scheduling this. Apparently, it just appeared on our calendar out of nowhere. Do you remember which staff member you spoke to about it?
Adam Clayton: Our manager handles all that.
The Edge: Personally, I’ve been really looking forward to this for a long time.

What? How long has this been planned for? Hey, wait. Is it the same manager responsible for releasing “Songs of Innocence” onto every iTunes user’s device without warning?
Bono: I don’t see how HackWiz696969 is relevant here.

That’s the name of your manager?
The Edge: Don’t you want to ask us about our music or something?

Of course, sure. How do you think, after so many years together, you manage to keep the energy alive when making music?
Bono: H-W says that the best way to keep people paying attention is to force our music onto so many of them that even if it makes most people hate us on a guttural, physiological level, there will still be enough people who can’t avoid it that our numbers will continue to hit our record label’s expectations.

Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced

Posted on September 20, 2021 by Dom Turek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A punk mom put pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I hope I live long enough to at least see her get separated,” said Zella Hunter, scrolling through a list of local divorce lawyers on her phone. “Since the day she got married, I’ve imagined her walking down the aisle of her attorney’s office in my old Cramps T-shirt and signing a petition for the dissolution of marriage. It’s the single most important day in any woman’s life, and it’s every mother’s dream to see her little girl turn her back on the patriarchal systems that be.”

As the average age for divorce in the United States becomes younger and younger each year, many parents fear that it just may never happen for their aging children.

“My mom is worried what the neighbors will think if I’m still married by 40,” said Rebecca Flanders, Hunter’s daughter. “As the only child of a punk mother, there’s always been a lot of pressure on me not to succeed. I was taught that a woman is supposed to get married, get divorced, and file for supervised visits with her children, but I’ve always had this urge to rebel and get married to my high school sweetheart in a chapel. I can’t make everyone happy, so I’ll just have to settle for making myself and my husband and our deeply satisfying relationship good with our decision.”

Matters between the feuding mother and daughter pair have only worsened since Flanders and her husband decided to file their taxes jointly.

“She [Hunter] was enraged that we were filing our taxes at all, let alone together,” said Martin Flanders, Rebecca’s husband. “She sees it as just one more step toward us not getting divorced. It’s gotten to the point where we show up to family functions pretending to be unhappy just so we don’t worry her. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. I just wish I could find a way to divorce my mother-in-law.”

At press time Hunter was seen begging the couple not to give her any grandchildren.

Review: Interpol “Turn on the Bright Lights”

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the breakout 2002 album “Turn on the Bright Lights” from NYC-based indie band, Interpol.

The first time I heard an Interpol song was while I was doing what I spent a regrettable two dozen years of my life doing: pretending to be interested in whatever the men around me were into in an effort to smoke weed for free. I was watching what was likely the sixth consecutive hour of skate videos when I heard it — bizarre, somewhat-twangy strumming accompanied by what may or may not be a keyboard being played underwater.

Brian Anderson skating to “Obstacle 1” snapped me out of my early-2000’s brick weed-induced stupor for a moment, but it would be years before I learned who wrote that song, in part because the internet wasn’t what it is today, and in another part, because my only access to that internet was in 50-minute increments on the free computers at my hometown library, which is just barely enough time to get through most of the missed connections on Craigslist.

When I finally learned that the album is Interpol’s “Turn on the Bright Lights,” I headed straight to Limewire to illegally download a copy, in six parts. Listening to the album took me right back to 2003, mostly because it basically sounds like what it would feel like to be in a black and white photograph taken on a disposable camera. It made me think about how different me and my friends’ lives are today than they were almost 20 years ago, and wonder how in the fuck so many of them tricked completely functional women into marrying them.

I am happy for them, but not really. I am going to die alone.

Anyway, the album does a great job peppering in dreamy songs with faster songs, all of which make me feel compelled to throw on a sweater and journal or make tiny ornaments out of clay. As I know for certain that’s exactly what so many bands aim for when writing an album, I’d say that Interpol really hit the mark with this one, and I should have no less than three dozen kinky gnomes ready to ship three weeks before Christmas. Find me on Etsy for more info.

Score: 5/5 hits off a glass bowl in Scott Patrillo’s living room in 2003. Try and beat that, The Strokes.

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45-Year-Old Woman Slashes Laptop After Spotify Suggests Adult Contemporary Playlist

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Joanna McNaney Stein

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — 45-year-old salon owner Jessica Hunter slashed her laptop with barber shears in response to an “adult contemporary” playlist recommendation given to her by music streaming service Spotify, according to sources.

“I was listening to my ‘90s mix when all of a sudden I saw an Adult Contemporary playlist appear. I just turned 45. Now I ‘might enjoy’ Wings?!” commented Hunter outside the Apple store, where she stood in line waiting to have her screen replaced. “I broke my nose at a Nine Inch Nails concert in ‘92, ok? The algorithm is total bullshit!”

Neighbors living above the salon reported hearing commotion, which they mistook for one of Hunter’s “semi-regular crying sessions or whatever she does in there on Fridays.”

“I thought she’d hurt herself, so I went down to check because she’s a little older,” said the concerned neighbor, Ariel Colon. “When I peeked inside, she was rocking back and forth on the floor, cradling her laptop and mumbling about James Taylor. I used to let her cut my bangs, but I don’t think I should now.”

Recent college graduate and Spotify’s Head of Research and Aging, Emma Greer, admitted this was not an isolated incident.

“I can’t say I’m surprised. We’ve received several complaints of violent reactions. One man punched himself in the face when Smooth Jazz came up. Another person crushed an entire iPhone in her fist. I would say more, but lawsuits are pending,” explained Greer. “Almost all Gen X-ers prefer to make their own playlists. Apparently they used things called ‘cassettes’ a while back. I hope I’m pronouncing that right, I don’t know a lot of French.”

At press time, Hunter was seen lighting an L.L. Bean mailer on fire.

Police Department Wins Emmy for Best Editing

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Ken Taro

LOS ANGELES — A relatively obscure film from the Indianapolis Police Department titled “Officer William Jameson’s Body Camera Footage 3/19/21” was awarded the Emmy for Outstanding Picture Editing For An Unstructured Reality Program.

“There were so many deserving entries from other precincts from around the country, so I was honored even to be nominated,” sputtered Officer Jameson as he wiped away tears. “A lot of work went on behind the scenes to make this happen. I had to switch my body cam off and on at least a dozen times, all with my left hand. And this was a real high wire act. I made sure I lifted the hood of my squad car so there was no coverage from my dash cam. Thankfully, I have had a lot of training when it comes to manipulating my equipment to suit the needs of my department.”

Academy member Amos Pfeiffer was one of the leading advocates for the footage that ends with a civilian lying bloody and dead in front of a liquor store.

“Some of my colleagues were skeptical at first, because the end product seemed a bit choppy,” explained Pfeiffer. “But I convinced them that they were witnessing brilliant, tension-filled television like we have never seen before. Officer Jameson shows up on the scene, talks to a man, and then a scuffle ensues. After 45 seconds of blank space, we see the civilian is dead on the ground. This was a very artistic endeavor, because we are forced to fill in the gaps with our imagination. Found footage catches a lot of flack these days, but it shouldn’t, especially in this case where the authenticity lends to the suspense. This makes ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and ‘Paranormal Activity’ look like ‘Ratatouille,’ in my opinion.”

Tina Alvarez, an Indianapolis resident who caught the act in person and watched the award show, shook her head in disgust.

“I find it gross that this butchered clip ended up getting so many accolades,” said Alvarez. “I filmed all 7 minutes of the incident, but it gets rejected everywhere I try to submit it. Awards don’t matter to me, I just want someone, anyone, to watch this whole video and see that the officer intentionally murdered an innocent man. But instead I get members of the police department driving by my house very slowly every two hours.”

After receiving the award, Officer Jameson announced he would be conducting workshops at precincts across the country to train fellow officers in the best “on the fly” video editing techniques.

It’s Not the Breed, It’s the Owner, and as Someone Who Trains Corgis To Fight, I Would Know

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Eli Johnson

Dog breed discrimination has to stop. By the way people talk about pit bulls, you’d think the breed is some kind of ticking time bomb. This breed-based bias has far reaching effects. For instance, many so-called “pet-friendly” apartment buildings I live in make exceptions specifically for pit bulls. Hell, some cities have outlawed the breed entirely! Let’s get one thing straight: It’s not the breed, it’s the owner. And as someone who trains corgis to fight, I would know.

Take it from me, when a lovable little corgi is delivered into the hands of a monster such as myself, it can become just as vicious a baby-killing machine as any pit bull.

When I get my hands on a fresh corgi, I know I have my work cut out for me. They come to me so lovable and cuddly and let me tell you, it takes a lot to break them. I’ve worked with dozens of adorable woofers and all have transformed into nasty little bastards. My prized champion, Lucifer, has been on a goddamn tear lately. These aren’t the queen’s beloved corgis, believe me.

Indulge me for a moment, and let’s think critically about some of these harmful pit bull stereotypes. Simply because a dog was bred specifically to bite and latch onto the faces of bears, bulls, and other animals many times their size, doesn’t make them inherently dangerous. As a counterpoint, old Welsh folklore holds that fairies rode corgis like horses and used them to perform various whimsical chores, such as pulling carts. And yet, I’ve turned heckin’ pupper after heckin’ pupper into savage demons.

Maybe you’ve heard that pit bulls’ jaws are among the strongest of any breed, enough to crush human bone. On the other hand, a nip from a Pembroke corgi won’t feel like much in comparison. Yet a pack of trained fighting corgis, properly motivated and working together, can bring down a wildebeest. Trust me.

Maybe you’re not convinced. Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, so pits and corgis are mean dogs.” That ain’t it, chief. I’ve worked with everything from Pomeranians to Goldendoodles to chow chows. All of them I’ve turned into blood-thirsty hellhounds.

I hope you’ll think twice next time before judging a breed based on the actions of a few bad apples. That line of thinking is a slippery slope. What’s next? Defunding the police?

Punk Genie Asks If He Can Bum Three Wishes Off You

Posted on September 19, 2021 by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

SALEM, Mass. — Local flea market patron Harold Barnes met a genie who asked if it could bum three wishes off him after he rubbed an old lamp during a recent shopping excursion, according to sources who think he’ll just spend the wishes on booze.

“I was at the Stuff N’ Things when I saw this old brass lamp, which is any bargain hunter’s dream come true. I suppose the Anti-Flag sticker on the side of the lamp should have been a red flag,” said Barnes. “I rubbed the lamp, hoping that the magical being inside would grant me great wealth and happiness. Instead, some stale Pall Mall smoke just came out of it, and a voice inside asked if I had three wishes it could bum off of me instead. It said it would get me back after the first, but it wasn’t very convincing.”

Matilda Harper, owner of the antique mall, was aware of the genie, and said she has not been able to sell the lamp since she acquired it in 1994.

“Oh, I wish I’d never bought that cursed lamp at a yard sale,” said Harper. “That creature inside, Scuzzy G, is such a jerk. He told me the only wish he’d grant is if I wished to see his genie dick. He’s more of a liability than an attraction, and I’m pretty sure he’s the reason this shop has bedbugs.”

Although he previously lived in a discarded Skoal can, Scuzzy G has resided in the lamp since finding it in a dumpster outside the Fugazi show he was ejected from in 1992.

“I may be a 4,000-year-old fantastical djinn with unearthly powers, but I don’t give a fuck,” said Scuzzy, who followed up the statement with an Old English-scented belch so strong that it lifted the lid of his home. “I’ve been squatting in this fucking lamp for 30 years, and I’m not going anywhere. If you need wishes to make your life fulfilling, go to fucking Disneyland or The Bunny Ranch or something and leave me the fuck alone.”

At press time, Harper was forced to apologize to two elderly customers who rubbed the lamp for luck, only to see a sparkly middle blue finger reach up through the spout.

10 Most Important Moments in Punk History

Posted on September 18, 2021December 10, 2025 by Nathan Kamal

Punk may be the snotty brat of rock history. But like any growing kid, there’s been milestones that mark the gradual growth of the genre. Here’s the 10 most important moments in punk history!

CBGB Opens

It would be impossible to imagine punk music without legendary bar CBGB, which opened in terminal C at the Newark airport in 2015. Proto-punk legend Tom Verlaine started his career as a waiter there, while Debbie Harry was briefly hostess. Sadly, the Buffalo Wing Special that made the place iconic has been discontinued as of 2017.

The Ramones Are Born at the Exact Same Moment

March 29, 1974, 9:13 AM. In one of the most significant moments in all of punk, all past and future members of the Ramones were simultaneously born in various parts of Queens. The next day, they would play their first show at CBGB and history was made.

The Man is Told to Get Fucked

It couldn’t come too soon: this incredible day in 1995, The Man was collectively told by a generation of punks that he could get fucked. While accounts of the event vary, it’s generally agreed that everyone was grounded for it, which is so unfair.

Mike Gains Some Weight Over the Summer

Imagine: a young and svelte Michael Burkett, searching for an identity. Then in one eventful summer camp, he discovered punk rock and double-stack, greasy-as-hell bacon cheeseburgers, and the frontman of NOFX discovered himself.

Bikini Kill Play Their First Show, Which is Pretty Good for Girls

No, really, ladies. Super cool. Who are you opening for?

The Queen Betrays a Young Johnny Rotten, Inadvertently Kicks-Off the Punk Movement

While Sex Pistols lead singer Johnny Rotten’s hatred of Queen Elizabeth is legendary, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, The Queen and Rotten were best friends throughout most of primary school. The pair unfortunately had a falling out over a girl, and Rotten vowed revenge from that day forward.

Terry Gets a Copy of The Black Parade, Which, Like Changes His Life

Before Terry got My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade, he was totally into bullshit. But after the clerk at Sam Goody convinced him to give it a try, everything changed for Terry. He still listens to it all the time.

Your Sexual Awakening to Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” Video

Remember? Billy’s bare, glistening chest, his platinum hair, his bad-boy, take-no-shit, leave-no-prisoners sneer. You became a sexual being that day,

The Stooges Form, Which Bums Out Their Neighbors

The first incarnation of punk godfathers The Stooges formed in 1967, which really was just a shame for the neighbors. It used to be such a nice quiet neighborhood, and now those boys are always shouting about “dog” this and “raw” that. Still, they’re sweet kids.

Punk Achieves Its Most Perfect Form in the Video for The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”In a contentious, often-infighting scene, one thing is universally agreed upon: The Offsprings’ 1998 music video for “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” is the absolute apex of the very ethos of punk. It’s been all downhill from there.