Grandemil Reyes, Author at HARDTIMES

Guy Wearing DragonForce Shirt Politely Reminds Family He Carries Shurikens, Not “Ninja Stars”

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Chris Bowen

CLEVELAND — DragonForce fan and master of the secret art of the ninja Josh Mullins once again reminded members of his family that the weapons he is most skilled in are called “shurikens” and not “ninja stars” as they so clumsily call them, pencil-necked sources report.

“Love and respecting family is a crucial part of the shadow warrior’s code in which I live by, and although I do, they also make me very frustrated with their cavalier approach to the deadly arts,” Mullins said, adding that such display of their lack of respect would warrant Hara-Kiri in most other cultures. “I’m constantly reminding them, ‘They’re not numb-chucks, they’re nunchaku.’ And ‘They’re not Dragging Porch, they’re Dragonforce.’ I know the whole point of being a ninja is about stealth and not being seen, but this is starting to cause psychological damage!”

The amateur ninja warrior’s father Gary Mullins wished his son would take other things in life as seriously as he does power metal and lore.

“Cheryl and I support Joshua’s hobbies, even though he ordered three katana swords this month, but I draw the line at power metal,” the father of three explained. “But is there really any money in being a stealth assassin? I suppose if he went to work for the C.I.A. or something, but Joshua could never pass a civil service test. I just pray he snaps out of this phase one day and focuses on his education, and stops putting ninja star holes in my basement walls.”

Jiu-jitsu expert and metalhead Harvey “The Crane” Williams explains that families are often confused by their interests.

“Although 85% of them are, it’s not easy being one who practices the martial arts while simultaneously being a heavy metal fan,” Williams stated, “Sure, knowing the perfect karate chop to take down an intruder can come in handy sometimes, it comes at a cost. A lot of times, metalheads think their parents don’t need to buy home protection because they listened to the ‘Shinjitsu’ record once and broke some boards with their fists so they’ll protect them. But when your metalhead son is blackout drunk and playing ‘Skyrim’ as they get burglarized, it’s already too late.”

At press time, Mullins’ father took away his “Guitar Hero” controller, threatening to not give it back until he replaced the ceiling fan he destroyed while practicing backflips in the living room.

6 Awesome Guitar Licks You Can Learn if You Stop Masturbating for Even a Few Minutes

Posted on October 9, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

We’ve all heard it before: guitar is easy to play, difficult to master, especially for chronic masturbators. However, some of the most ass-kicking riffs in music history are surprisingly easy to learn if you could really focus up and stop pleasuring yourself to Internet pornography for just a little bit. We know there’s a lot available out there, but c’mon. It’ll just take a second.

Seriously, just give it a rest and check these ballbusting six-string behemoths, which are surprisingly rudimentary for anyone who can focus on anything but a self-induced orgasm.

1. “Smoke on the Water” Deep Purple

Deep Purple guitarist Ritchie Blackmore came up with this iconic early heavy metal riff after listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and smoking a fat doobie, which is why even the dumbest of stoners can play it after taking a bong hit and watching the 1992 family film Beethoven.

All it will take for you to make that sweet, sweet sound is to stop making sweet love to your own self, just for a bit. Like, you can do it later. Just check out “Machine Head.”

Goddammit, I forgot the album has “head” in the title.

2. “Smells Like Teen Spirit” Nirvana

That was a step backward, we can all admit that. Let’s move on to the least sexy song of all time, Nirvana’s breakthrough hit “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

Okay, get those fingers up on the frets. If Kurt Cobain could play this while thinking of nothing but how to screw Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic out of royalties, you can do it while thinking of nothing but the 37 Pornhub tabs you have open right now!

Let’s just watch the music video to get the riff in your head…fuck, sexy goth cheerleaders! Also, the ones in the video!

3. “Seven Nation Army” The White Stripes

The White Stripes. “Seven Nation Army.” The best and also stupidest riff to ever grace an NFL stadium at the cost of Jack White’s soul.

Let’s do this. It’s not difficult. You just have to stop masturbating for a moment.

Stop. Just stop.

4. “I Wanna Be Your Dog” The Stooges

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and some people here can’t fucking stop whacking it long enough for their guitar pick to stop chafing them, so here we are at the Stooges.

This riff is a fucking beast, and everyone playing on this song was on heroin, leaving them unable to get hard, wet, or anything in between. Hopefully, we can channel that energy into some non-sexual, hard-rockin’…

Nope, moving on.

5. “Rise Above” Black Flag

You can still do it to this? Seriously?

6. “Erotic City” Prince

Fuck it, we’re giving you “Erotic City” by the most sexually charged man to ever live. See if we fucking care what you do with it.

It’s a good riff, and you could totally master it in like 15 minutes, but nope.

Just masturbate and think about that for a minute.

Job for a Cowboy Clarify They Are Talking About a Footjob

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Freelancer

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Tech death metal and former deathcore darlings Job for a Cowboy explained the sexual implications of their name once and for all, according to a statement by the band.

“I thought the signs were always there, but apparently I have to spell it out: the ‘job’ in Job for a Cowboy is, of course, a footjob,” said founder and singer Jonny Davy, who moonlights as a moderator on Wikifeet. “It’s when someone… well… they take off their socks, dump a good amount of lube on their arches. Maybe it’s best if you just Google it, but do it in a private tab, and definitely don’t do it at work. Most of our albums and songs have been about footjobs. What did you all think ‘Entombment of a Machine’ or ‘The Celestial Antidote’ were referring to? Get your head in the gutters, already.”

Longtime fans of the band expressed surprise at the revelation of the band’s true common themes.

“I always thought their stuff was about like, corruption and religion, so I’m not sure how to feel about all this foot masturbation stuff,” confessed fan Greg Hortley, who has seen Job for a Cowboy 7 times. “But now I am noticing little hidden feet in the album artwork and hearing whispers of ‘pinky pinky toe’ panned hard left in some songs. The ‘Doom’ EP is one of my favorite albums ever, and I just gave a copy to my teenage nephew who is just getting into metal. Now, I gotta sneak in and steal that weirdo shit back.”

Cowboys offered a possible explanation for the link between their profession and foot-based sexual stimulation.

“Not a lot of people know this, but the life of a cowboy is about 30% ranching, 70% footjobs,” said longtime Arizona rancher Ned O’Malley. “Receiving and giving, mind you. I’ve seen a ton of country music fans move out to the prairie because they think they can hang with the real cowboys. But when it comes time to stroke off someone with your feet or shove a toe somewhere, they run back to their lattes and apartments. Life on the farm ain’t for everyone, I can tell you that.”

Since the announcement, rumors have swirled that Quentin Tarantino has tapped Job for a Cowboy to score his next film.

Photo by Hervegirod.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week To Fight Off The Impending Bedbug Army

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music. Of course, you don’t know that because you’ve been listening to Title Fight exclusively for the last five years. To say we’re concerned about you doesn’t even begin to describe our level of disturbance. There’s an entire world out there, and you’re banishing yourself from it with your dated and uncomplicated tastes. Fear not, we’re here to break you out of the vicious cycle that has consumed you whole. Here are eight songs to help guide you into a magical state in which you have relevant pop-culture references and maybe even friends.

Blink-182 “Dance With Me”

As their forthcoming album looms ever closer, the newly reformed blink-182 continues to pummel us with new hit after new hit. “Dance With Me” – whose accompanying video features an inexplicable scene in which a nearly 50-year-old Tom Delonge, dressed as a barely passable Joey Ramone, breaks through a wall to non-consensually grab a guy’s dick – is as much of a return to form as any we’ve heard from the band at this point. It’s got that thing where the guitar drops out and Mark just plays a single bass note really fast with the drums. It’s got a chant along part in the chorus (featuring an ‘o’le’ for some reason). It also has Travis doing his patented batshit drum fills all over the place. Sure, it’s no ‘First Date,’ but it gets the job done.

FIDLAR “Move On”

FIDLAR’s latest details the trials and tribulations of starting anew when ‘best friends turn into used-to-be-friends’ according to lead singer Zac Carter. Weaving from genres as disparate as metal and ska, ‘Move On’ is a blistering ride that is sure to make you feel better about your utter and complete inability to accept adulthood realities and their sorrows. While we’re used to hearing the likes of the now-trio FIDLAR on video game soundtracks like ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’ it appears this single in particular is headed for EA Sports’ upcoming ‘NHL 2K4’ soundtrack, fulfilling long foretold punk and hardcore prophecies.

Lung “Cash Machine”

Cincinnati, Ohio’s larger than life cello/drum duo is back at it. This time in the form of a split LP with Conan Neutron & the Secret Friends, entitled ‘Adult Prom.’ While we’re pretty sure it’s the soundtrack to the scariest imaginary school dance we’ve ever attended, it undeniably rips in its entirety. If you’re new to either band, ‘Cash Machine’ – which is sadly not a cover of Shelley FKA Dram’s song of the same name, but still great – serves as an incredible primer for those getting into Lung, as it features their signature dizzying harmonies and shark-toothed cello from Kate Wakefield, as well as kick-your-entire-shit-in drums from Daisy Caplan.

Mary Lynn “Turn It Around”

Have you ever wondered what it would sound like if Taylor Swift hung out with a bunch of dirty punks (Matt Healy doesn’t count) and recorded a rock record? Wonder no more, because singer-songwriter Mary Lynn has made your depraved thoughts a reality. On her third record, ‘Where I Wanna Be,’ MMFL (as she is lovingly known as by fans) blends her trademark powerhouse hooks and lyrical vulnerability with ferocious guitars and a thundering rhythm section, marking a notable departure from her previous piano-driven efforts. Album highlight ‘Turn It Around’ is a raucous power-pop hit that’s sure to ‘turn around’ whatever sour mood you’re inevitably in today.

Jobs “There Is Differing”

We’ll be honest, we’re not sure this is even music but that isn’t stopping one of our senior writers from playing it on repeat while demanding we acknowledge it as such. To say it’s grown on us would be an understatement. Brooklyn’s experimental quartet JOBS has a long history of toying with the boundaries of the indie-pop-realm, and ‘This Is Differing’ from their latest album ‘Soft Sounds’ is anything but ‘differing’ from their norm. While their genre is incredibly difficult to pinpoint, be warned that this track may kick-start your recurring prog phase. We won’t apologize to you or your friends due to the aforementioned warning.

Blood Command “Bare Witness”

Oh shiiiiiiit. Blood Command is back, and apparently with a fucking vengeance. Their latest album ‘World Domination’ rips through twenty blazing death pop tracks in just over a half an hour, making for a disorienting, chaotic, incredibly satisfying ride. Album highlight ‘Bare Witness’ combines some of the band’s heaviest elements into one mini-epic that barely breaks the two-minute mark. Let this be a lesson that no one wants to wait a full three minutes for your hardcore band to get to the breakdown.

U.D.O “Touchdown”

Fall is here. It’s the season of colorful crunchy leaves, gourd flavored coffee drinks, and grown men having near heart attacks and brain aneurysms when their favorite football team fails to do the thing they’re supposed to do with the ball, or whatever. Whether you’re a rabid fan or think the whole sport is stupid, Germany’s long-standing heavy metal institution U.D.O has you covered with their single ‘Touchdown.’ Maybe it’s syntax, but the brilliant thing about this one is there is no way to tell if its lyrics are sincere or satirical, making it a great song to play on game day or in front of the friends to which you pretend not to like sports.

Viagra Boys “Punk Rock Loser”

Every weekday, at around 8:55 in the morning, a flurry of interns at Hard Times HQ scramble to set up a complex series of Bluetooth speakers leading to the front door of our offices. From there they queue up last year’s Viagra Boys single ‘Punk Rock Loser’ and wait for our Managing Editor’s Uber to arrive. A clause in her contract requires us to provide her with a walk-in theme. It’s incredibly disruptive, and it doesn’t look half as cool as she thinks it does when she walks in deliberate slow-motion to the entrance of the writer’s room, but rules are rules and we’re afraid of her lawyer.

Is Outlaw Country Back? I’m “Permanently Banned” From This Texas Roadhouse

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Matt Kennedy

Ride ’em in rawhide. From the Rough Riders of the Old West to the wandering yodel of Hank Williams, being a true outlaw is planted deep within the DNA of America. So when I was getting my ass tossed from Texas Roadhouse a week ago I knew that Outlaw Country was coming back and somewhere up in heaven Waylon and the boys were smiling down on me while lighting up a few cigs and blowing a few lines of the ole Devil’s Dandruff.

The original outlaws of country music knew that their sound would never be accepted by the gatekeepers of Nashville. They were a little too rough, a little too ragged, a little too loud. That is exactly how I felt when I pulled into that Texas Roadhouse parking lot a week ago. The corporate big wigs had all their rules and regulations in place but big fucking deal. I knew they were never going to contain me. I was going to give the people what they wanted, whether they wanted it or not.

Waylon, Willie, Johnny and the boys knew that before they stepped out on that stage they had to properly fuel up. I parked my ass at the bar and immediately ordered three shots of Everclear with three pickle backs.I knocked the shots back and settled in. I destroyed the complimentary bread and apple butter. I ordered another three shots and three picklebacks. I immediately went into the bathroom to vomit. I couldn’t be stopped, the country legends were speaking to me.

I stumbled back to my barstool in true outlaw fashion, the vomit still hot on my breath. Nothing was going to stop me now. I lit up a cigarette and the barkeep told me “I’m sorry sir, there’s no smoking here.” Did he have any idea who he was talking to?

I replied to him with a simple, “you think I give a fuck?”

I then lit the napkin with my lighter. The embers from the cigarette and napkin were fueling my desire. There was no turning back now, I was a country legend. After I lit two more cigarettes much to the dismay of the bartender he apparently had enough and Security escorted me out.

All in all it was a successful day for this country legend and I knew I had done my part to keep the tradition alive.

Entire Family On Edge After Dad Brings Guitar, Amp Out of Storage

Posted on October 8, 2023 by John Danek

SAGINAW, Mich. — Father, husband, and delivery driver Gary Lillet recently exhumed his Fender Telecaster guitar and Peavey Classic 30 amp from a storage unit, leaving the rest of his family in a state of fear, embarrassment, and panic.

“I started seeing some worrying signs a few months ago–Gary started rewatching his Led Zeppelin ‘The Song Remains the Same’ DVD while slugging Evan Williams bourbon,” recalled wife Doreen Lillet, who is thankful to have a divorce attorney as a sister. “Then one day, he lugged the amp in from the car, wheezing heavily as the kids and I watched in horror. He hasn’t plugged it in yet, but he keeps saying things about needing ‘some strings and pedals and a capo.’ What the fuck is he talking about? My god, my family is falling apart.”

Mr. Lillet hopes to start jamming with some coworkers and learn some covers, completely unaware of the devastating effects it will have on his loved ones.

“I haven’t been this excited about anything since before I had kids. I can’t wait to jam with the fellas!” exclaimed Lillet, who hasn’t yet told his wife that he was recently laid off from his UPS job. “It just feels good to be excited about music again and get the blood flowing with some good ol’ fashioned classic rock. I have a lot more free time on my hands because of, uh, reasons. But that’s neither here nor there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta find and print some tabs for ‘Gimme Three Steps.’”

Veterans of the music industry offered their analysis of this common type of mid-life crisis.

“A dude like that walks in here almost every day, and I can tell by the doofy expression exactly what is happening,” explained Drew Noreldo, longtime sales associate at the Guitar Center in northern Saginaw. “They seem confused, scared, and hopeful while simultaneously looking sadder than an abandoned three-legged puppy. I help them by selling them on the most garish guitars or expensive pedals in the shop and send them on their way. Those are my biggest paydays. Is it unethical? Maybe. But they’ll play two shows at the local bar before quitting, and I need to pay rent. So down this path I continue.”

The Lillet Family situation has reportedly worsened significantly after Gary was caught creating a Facebook page for his currently unnamed band and inviting all of his children’s friends to like it.

43-Year-Old Wearing Descendents T-Shirt and Skinny Jeans Addressed as “Sir” by Hot Topic Staff

Posted on October 7, 2023 by James Knapp

BEL AIR, Md. — Elder punk Cameron McClintock was recently addressed as “sir” by staff at an area Hot Topic while wearing an aged “Milo Goes To College” t-shirt and a pair of light gray skinny jeans during a recent nostalgia stop into the retail store, sources who had no fucking idea how long it’s been confirmed.

“I was just tooling around the mall while I was waiting for my wife and son to be done at Lenscrafters, and I figured ‘why the hell not?’ I used to buy band shirts at Hot Topic all the time, so it could be fun to see what it’s like nowadays,” began McClintock. “But as soon as I walked in the cashier asked me if I was lost and if I needed help finding my niece. Judging by the number of band names I didn’t recognize on the t-shirt wall and the sheer amount of anime figurines, I can’t really say I blame them.”

Hot Topic assistant manager Veronica Stepply explained their reverence for elderly punks, goths, and the occasional nu-metal dad.

“I never used to think that respecting your elders was important. But then I read a Reddit thread about ageism and now I realize how much these poor, wisened, wrinkly souls deserve to be treated with dignity,” stated Steeply. “When that ‘Milo’ guy came in here earlier, I knew he was out of his element. But then I thought, you know, maybe someday I’ll be old. And on that day, I’ll also want to be given directions to the nearest soft pretzel kiosk without even having to ask.”

Rodney “Mosh King ” Jones, secretary for the Pre-retirement Organization for Older Punks, has consistently advocated for the dignified treatment of middle-aged former mall punks.

“Older suburban punks are often overlooked. Sure, old-ass Boston hardcore dudes can just phase into liking hockey too much, but what about the kids who had to buy their Dropkick Murphys shirts from the same place that sells Hello Kitty handbags?” explained Jones. “We here at POOP are glad that Mr. McClintock was treated fairly and with respect. That Hot Topic franchise will be receiving our organization’s highest honor – the POOP ‘Award of Senior Service’ (ASS).”

At press time, McClintock bought a couple of “Nightmare Before Christmas” pins out of obligation then walked across the mall to Lenscrafters to see how much his kids’ new glasses were gonna cost.

Sad: Dad Loved Kids Best Way He Knew How

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Dom Turek

There’s nothing sadder than finding out someone who sucks at their job was giving it their all, and this also applies to fatherhood. Who could have guessed the outcome of your dad “doing his best” would still result in domestic violence and week-long gambling benders?

“I wanted to provide my kids with a better life than I had when I was growing up,” said father of four Frank Signorelli, who is giving his kids the same exact life he had but with more electronics. “As an opponent of corporal punishment, I find that just threatening to hit your kids and breaking objects close to their heads instills enough fear in them that physical violence is rarely necessary. Growing up, I wish I had that luxury, but we can’t all be so lucky.”

Early on, Signorelli made it a point to instill in his children the importance of family.

“I can’t imagine where I’d be today without his conditional love and the omnipresent sense of guilt I inherited from his shame dumping,” said Joe Signorelli, Frank’s only non-estranged son. “My dad is my best friend. He taught me everything I need to know about becoming a father because I was parentified at such a young age.”

Unfortunately, the perceived closeness between a father and son is likely a symptom of codependency fostered by the child’s unmet need to be loved and validated, according to a study on family dynamics conducted by psychodynamic therapist Amy Chung.

“There’s no quicker way to tell me your childhood was dog shit than to tell me your dad ‘did the best he could with what he had at the time,’” said Chung. “Years of case studies and qualitative research have proved my working theory that dads who ‘do their best’ are also the best at smoking Marlboro 100s with all the car windows rolled up and a handful of unbuckled kids rolling around in the backseat of an unregistered Dodge Caravan.”

Although there are no rules for being the perfect parent, Signorelli adheres to the golden rule of never going to bed angry, instead opting to go to sleep so drunk that he is unable to distinguish between good and bad emotions.

Masked Singer Silently Standing There Revealed to Be Mitch McConnell

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Brett McCabe

LOS ANGELES — Audience members in attendance at a recent taping of “The Masked Singer” were stunned when the contestant standing there frozen for three full minutes was revealed to be Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell

“He came out, showed some real promise by nailing the first ten seconds of ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,’ and then it’s like someone hit the pause button,” said judge Robin Thicke, moments before having to craft another apology for sexual abuse. “He came out dressed as a giant spider called Tartaruga and the whole crowd was behind him. Then he froze, missed the rest of the first verse and the chorus, and then his aide dressed as Lebre the Hare did her best to pick up the pieces. It wasn’t until he collapsed and the head rolled off that we realized it was Senator McConnell, but now it seems so obvious.”

“Jenny (McCarthy) kept insisting it had something to do with the vaccinations, but I think it might be the fact he’s like a million years old,’ added Thicke.

Audience member Carly Brown had mixed emotions about the reveal.

“At first I was worried that maybe it was Chris Hemsworth in the costume and that he had gotten real bad stage fright, but when that nasty spider head came off and it revealed an even nastier creature underneath I felt like the show had betrayed me a little bit,” said Brown. “I want people like Nick Carter and Jojo Sewa on the show, having a dying old man collapse on stage while Nick Cannon stands there stunned isn’t going to get me to tune in.”

Doctors for the Senator were quick to give him a clean bill of health as soon as his basic cognitive functions resumed.

“I have consulted with Senator McConnell and conferred with his neurology team. After evaluating yesterday’s incident, I have informed the Minority Leader that he is medically clear to continue with his karaoke schedule as planned and that I see absolutely nothing wrong with these frequent episodes where he enters a zombie-like trance,” said Dr. Brian Monahan, the attending doctor for the Capitol. ”Senator McConnel was fed his normal diet of cabbage and dandelions before being sent home and plans to resume his important work on Capitol Hill tomorrow.”

Senator McConnell’s team announced his current health issues will not prevent him from auditioning for the lead on the second season of “The Golden Bachelor.”

In an Attempt To Lift This Demonic Curse, We Ranked the Best Horror Movie From Each State

Posted on October 6, 2023 by Dan Rice

Call me a ‘90s kid, but I have a lot of nostalgia for going into cool shops and browsing around. Sadly, in the age of online shopping, even record stores are becoming a novelty. That’s why I was so excited to visit Archive Arcane for the first time. Friends had told me all about this quirky little shop’s wide array of 2nd hand hard copy media, posters, horror merch, and memorabilia. What they did not tell me was that the proprietor was a sinister witch.

Evidently, she had her eye on me the whole time as I perused with no real shopping agenda. She grew resentful watching me briefly contemplate wasting $300 on a “Return of the Living Dead Part 2” ceramic bust here or $500 on a replica “Hellraiser” puzzle box there only to put the items down and move on. When I finally stepped up to the register 5 minutes after closing (oops) with nothing but a $3 VHS enamel pin, I incurred her demonic wrath. In a creepy old gypsy voice that was clearly not her voice and frankly a little problematic, she said “I curse you for your indecision! You will become… MERCH!”

I thought nothing of it of course, until the next day when friends pointed out that my tracking was off. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, there were staticky white lines all over the top and bottom of my face. I raised my hand to wipe them away and realized I was wearing a Freddy Krueger glove, with a tag that read “Screen Quality replica – $245.” I removed the glove only to find my hand had been replaced with a Korean laserdisc copy of “Chopping Mall.” Slowly but surely, I was becoming niche memorabilia.

After consulting with various experts in the paranormal, it is my hope that by proving I can be decisive, I will lift the curse and avoid my fate of becoming just another overpriced item on one of Madam Arcane’s kitschy shelves. In an effort to cheat my macabre fate and preserve my humanity, here is my list of the best horror movies set in every U.S. state:

Alabama: “Manhunter” (1986)

Michael Mann’s adaptation of “Red Dragon,” the prequel to “The Silence of The Lambs” is stylish, kinetic and truly unnerving. Brian Cox’s take on Hannibal Lecter is severely underrated, and character actor Tom Noonan is every bit as unsettling as he would go on to be in films like “The House of the Devil.” I just threw up a bunch of creepy crawlers. There isn’t much time.

Alaska: “30 Days of Night” (2007)

Vampires wreak havoc on an isolated Alaskan town that experiences 30 straight days of darkness every winter. It’s an interesting premise that the film doesn’t quite live up to, but my right foot is now a Gizmo doll and I’m not sure if “The Grey” counts as horror so let’s move on.

Arizona: “The Prophecy” (1995)

Angered that God gave souls to man, an archangel played by Christopher Walken wages war in heaven, and seeks the ultimate weapon, which is a retired general in Arizona for some reason. It’s a lot less scary now that I know catholicism is bogus and whatever religion that lady who cursed me follows is clearly the right one.

Arkansas: “The Town That Dreaded Sundown” (1976)

Fun fact: The original Jason Voorhees costume from “Friday The 13th Part 2” is a direct ripoff of the killer in this movie, which is based on actual events.
Not so fun fact: My dick turned into a Pinhead.

California: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978)

There are a ton of horror movies set in L.A., but none of them are quite as iconic as this San Fransisco-based remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The movie starts with a cozy ‘70s vibe which soon gives way to paranoia, an unhinged young Jeff Goldblum, and one of the most unnerving endings in film history. There, I made my decision. Please spirits, stop turning my thumb into a people-pod!

Colorado: “The Shining” (1980)

Easy pick here. “The Shining” isn’t just considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, it’s considered one of the greatest movies period. Hey, I just got a shining from the witch lady who cursed me. She says this is a waste of time and I suck.

https://youtu.be/A-tgsURVNrI?si=MDmA8bZ2HKSCyXNh

Connecticut: “The Innkeepers” (2011)

There’s nothing more Connecticut than a small haunted hotel in a quaint little town. Based on and primarily filmed in an allegedly haunted Inn in Torrington CT, Ty West’s “The Innkeepers” is an instant classic of New England horror. Hey, spirits, can I have my penis back?

Delaware: “Survival of the Dead” (2009)

Not Romero’s best, arguably his worst in fact, but do you know how many movies are set in Deleware? Like five.

Florida: “Day of the Dead” (1985)

The worst entry of Romero’s initial Dead trilogy is still one of the best zombie movies ever made. It can’t be said to really capture the essence of Florida since most of the movie takes place in an underground bunker, but then again if I had to live in Florida that’s where I would want to stay too. In real life, there are worse things than zombies in the Sunshine State.

Georgia: “The Stuff” (1985)

This B-movie classic is set in Georgia, and Michael Moriarty has the community theater-level southern accent to prove it!

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5