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Sad: Dad Loved Kids Best Way He Knew How

There’s nothing sadder than finding out someone who sucks at their job was giving it their all, and this also applies to fatherhood. Who could have guessed the outcome of your dad “doing his best” would still result in domestic violence and week-long gambling benders?

“I wanted to provide my kids with a better life than I had when I was growing up,” said father of four Frank Signorelli, who is giving his kids the same exact life he had but with more electronics. “As an opponent of corporal punishment, I find that just threatening to hit your kids and breaking objects close to their heads instills enough fear in them that physical violence is rarely necessary. Growing up, I wish I had that luxury, but we can’t all be so lucky.”

Early on, Signorelli made it a point to instill in his children the importance of family.

“I can’t imagine where I’d be today without his conditional love and the omnipresent sense of guilt I inherited from his shame dumping,” said Joe Signorelli, Frank’s only non-estranged son. “My dad is my best friend. He taught me everything I need to know about becoming a father because I was parentified at such a young age.”

Unfortunately, the perceived closeness between a father and son is likely a symptom of codependency fostered by the child’s unmet need to be loved and validated, according to a study on family dynamics conducted by psychodynamic therapist Amy Chung.

“There’s no quicker way to tell me your childhood was dog shit than to tell me your dad ‘did the best he could with what he had at the time,’” said Chung. “Years of case studies and qualitative research have proved my working theory that dads who ‘do their best’ are also the best at smoking Marlboro 100s with all the car windows rolled up and a handful of unbuckled kids rolling around in the backseat of an unregistered Dodge Caravan.”

Although there are no rules for being the perfect parent, Signorelli adheres to the golden rule of never going to bed angry, instead opting to go to sleep so drunk that he is unable to distinguish between good and bad emotions.