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Is Outlaw Country Back? I’m “Permanently Banned” From This Texas Roadhouse

Ride ’em in rawhide. From the Rough Riders of the Old West to the wandering yodel of Hank Williams, being a true outlaw is planted deep within the DNA of America. So when I was getting my ass tossed from Texas Roadhouse a week ago I knew that Outlaw Country was coming back and somewhere up in heaven Waylon and the boys were smiling down on me while lighting up a few cigs and blowing a few lines of the ole Devil’s Dandruff.

The original outlaws of country music knew that their sound would never be accepted by the gatekeepers of Nashville. They were a little too rough, a little too ragged, a little too loud. That is exactly how I felt when I pulled into that Texas Roadhouse parking lot a week ago. The corporate big wigs had all their rules and regulations in place but big fucking deal. I knew they were never going to contain me. I was going to give the people what they wanted, whether they wanted it or not.

Waylon, Willie, Johnny and the boys knew that before they stepped out on that stage they had to properly fuel up. I parked my ass at the bar and immediately ordered three shots of Everclear with three pickle backs.I knocked the shots back and settled in. I destroyed the complimentary bread and apple butter. I ordered another three shots and three picklebacks. I immediately went into the bathroom to vomit. I couldn’t be stopped, the country legends were speaking to me.

I stumbled back to my barstool in true outlaw fashion, the vomit still hot on my breath. Nothing was going to stop me now. I lit up a cigarette and the barkeep told me “I’m sorry sir, there’s no smoking here.” Did he have any idea who he was talking to?

I replied to him with a simple, “you think I give a fuck?”

I then lit the napkin with my lighter. The embers from the cigarette and napkin were fueling my desire. There was no turning back now, I was a country legend. After I lit two more cigarettes much to the dismay of the bartender he apparently had enough and Security escorted me out.

All in all it was a successful day for this country legend and I knew I had done my part to keep the tradition alive.