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Masked Singer Silently Standing There Revealed to Be Mitch McConnell

LOS ANGELES — Audience members in attendance at a recent taping of “The Masked Singer” were stunned when the contestant standing there frozen for three full minutes was revealed to be Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell

“He came out, showed some real promise by nailing the first ten seconds of ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life,’ and then it’s like someone hit the pause button,” said judge Robin Thicke, moments before having to craft another apology for sexual abuse. “He came out dressed as a giant spider called Tartaruga and the whole crowd was behind him. Then he froze, missed the rest of the first verse and the chorus, and then his aide dressed as Lebre the Hare did her best to pick up the pieces. It wasn’t until he collapsed and the head rolled off that we realized it was Senator McConnell, but now it seems so obvious.”

“Jenny (McCarthy) kept insisting it had something to do with the vaccinations, but I think it might be the fact he’s like a million years old,’ added Thicke.

Audience member Carly Brown had mixed emotions about the reveal.

“At first I was worried that maybe it was Chris Hemsworth in the costume and that he had gotten real bad stage fright, but when that nasty spider head came off and it revealed an even nastier creature underneath I felt like the show had betrayed me a little bit,” said Brown. “I want people like Nick Carter and Jojo Sewa on the show, having a dying old man collapse on stage while Nick Cannon stands there stunned isn’t going to get me to tune in.”

Doctors for the Senator were quick to give him a clean bill of health as soon as his basic cognitive functions resumed.

“I have consulted with Senator McConnell and conferred with his neurology team. After evaluating yesterday’s incident, I have informed the Minority Leader that he is medically clear to continue with his karaoke schedule as planned and that I see absolutely nothing wrong with these frequent episodes where he enters a zombie-like trance,” said Dr. Brian Monahan, the attending doctor for the Capitol. ”Senator McConnel was fed his normal diet of cabbage and dandelions before being sent home and plans to resume his important work on Capitol Hill tomorrow.”

Senator McConnell’s team announced his current health issues will not prevent him from auditioning for the lead on the second season of “The Golden Bachelor.”