SAGINAW, Mich. — Father, husband, and delivery driver Gary Lillet recently exhumed his Fender Telecaster guitar and Peavey Classic 30 amp from a storage unit, leaving the rest of his family in a state of fear, embarrassment, and panic.
“I started seeing some worrying signs a few months ago–Gary started rewatching his Led Zeppelin ‘The Song Remains the Same’ DVD while slugging Evan Williams bourbon,” recalled wife Doreen Lillet, who is thankful to have a divorce attorney as a sister. “Then one day, he lugged the amp in from the car, wheezing heavily as the kids and I watched in horror. He hasn’t plugged it in yet, but he keeps saying things about needing ‘some strings and pedals and a capo.’ What the fuck is he talking about? My god, my family is falling apart.”
Mr. Lillet hopes to start jamming with some coworkers and learn some covers, completely unaware of the devastating effects it will have on his loved ones.
“I haven’t been this excited about anything since before I had kids. I can’t wait to jam with the fellas!” exclaimed Lillet, who hasn’t yet told his wife that he was recently laid off from his UPS job. “It just feels good to be excited about music again and get the blood flowing with some good ol’ fashioned classic rock. I have a lot more free time on my hands because of, uh, reasons. But that’s neither here nor there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta find and print some tabs for ‘Gimme Three Steps.’”
Veterans of the music industry offered their analysis of this common type of mid-life crisis.
“A dude like that walks in here almost every day, and I can tell by the doofy expression exactly what is happening,” explained Drew Noreldo, longtime sales associate at the Guitar Center in northern Saginaw. “They seem confused, scared, and hopeful while simultaneously looking sadder than an abandoned three-legged puppy. I help them by selling them on the most garish guitars or expensive pedals in the shop and send them on their way. Those are my biggest paydays. Is it unethical? Maybe. But they’ll play two shows at the local bar before quitting, and I need to pay rent. So down this path I continue.”
The Lillet Family situation has reportedly worsened significantly after Gary was caught creating a Facebook page for his currently unnamed band and inviting all of his children’s friends to like it.