CLEVELAND — DragonForce fan and master of the secret art of the ninja Josh Mullins once again reminded members of his family that the weapons he is most skilled in are called “shurikens” and not “ninja stars” as they so clumsily call them, pencil-necked sources report.
“Love and respecting family is a crucial part of the shadow warrior’s code in which I live by, and although I do, they also make me very frustrated with their cavalier approach to the deadly arts,” Mullins said, adding that such display of their lack of respect would warrant Hara-Kiri in most other cultures. “I’m constantly reminding them, ‘They’re not numb-chucks, they’re nunchaku.’ And ‘They’re not Dragging Porch, they’re Dragonforce.’ I know the whole point of being a ninja is about stealth and not being seen, but this is starting to cause psychological damage!”
The amateur ninja warrior’s father Gary Mullins wished his son would take other things in life as seriously as he does power metal and lore.
“Cheryl and I support Joshua’s hobbies, even though he ordered three katana swords this month, but I draw the line at power metal,” the father of three explained. “But is there really any money in being a stealth assassin? I suppose if he went to work for the C.I.A. or something, but Joshua could never pass a civil service test. I just pray he snaps out of this phase one day and focuses on his education, and stops putting ninja star holes in my basement walls.”
Jiu-jitsu expert and metalhead Harvey “The Crane” Williams explains that families are often confused by their interests.
“Although 85% of them are, it’s not easy being one who practices the martial arts while simultaneously being a heavy metal fan,” Williams stated, “Sure, knowing the perfect karate chop to take down an intruder can come in handy sometimes, it comes at a cost. A lot of times, metalheads think their parents don’t need to buy home protection because they listened to the ‘Shinjitsu’ record once and broke some boards with their fists so they’ll protect them. But when your metalhead son is blackout drunk and playing ‘Skyrim’ as they get burglarized, it’s already too late.”
At press time, Mullins’ father took away his “Guitar Hero” controller, threatening to not give it back until he replaced the ceiling fan he destroyed while practicing backflips in the living room.