Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to control bullets through scatting following the President’s chance viewing of the “Freak on a Leash” music video, frustrated and tired sources confirmed. 

“We were looking for something… unique,” said the CIA official, who asked to remain anonymous. “Trump was sitting in the White House, flipping through channels during his daily executive time, and he saw that ‘Freak on a Leash’ video on MTV Classic. Unfortunately, whether it’s Fox News or a 25 year old music video, the president has a tendency to believe everything he sees on TV. So, Trump called us up immediately, saying we need to figure this thing out before Antifa does. The next thing you know, we’re on a plane to Bakersfield trying to weaponize Jonathan Davis’s… gifts.”

The now middle-aged Davis explained that, while the bullet scene was done by special effects, he was more than happy to take money from the government.

“I mean, can I control bullets? Probably not. Then again, I’ve never really tested it. My scatting is pretty powerful though,” Davis admitted with a shrug. “But when the CIA called, I didn’t exactly ask too many questions. The paycheck is great, and honestly, I could use a little extra cash. Sure, it’s potentially dangerous. But I mean, if a couple of undercover agents are shot because they were squawking and grunting at a loaded weapon instead of ducking for cover, that’s on them, not me.”

Shockingly, some insiders have claimed that this is just the tip of the iceberg for nu-metal inspired black ops missions.

“It’s not just Jonathan Davis. There’s an entire underground division dedicated to experimenting with nu-metal as a form of psychological warfare,” claimed the anonymous source. “For years we’ve been torturing detainees using the music of Godsmack and Saliva. But the CIA has also contacted Fred Durst to see if his recipe for ‘hot dog flavored water’ might be used as a sort of truth serum. We’ve also reached out to System of a Down, but to be honest that was just because the boys are big fans of that ‘Chop Suey’ tune.”

At press time, President Trump instructed the National Guard to help quell the ongoing riots in “Linkin Park.”

Opinion: My All-Powerful And All-Knowing God Will Protect Me From Anything, But I Still Need The Weapons Cache In My Bunker Just In Case

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

The world is a threatening place. There’s lotsa scary stuff out there — like Democrat professors denigrating America by bringing up slavery — but I’m not afraid, because God will protect me from Satan and His Deep State minions. Heck, the Bible’s pretty gosh darn clear on God’s abilities. As it says in Psalm 147, “Great is our Lord, and of great power; His understanding is infinite.”

And while it’s true that God can summon literally any weapon He wants to smite His enemies, I still have my own arsenal in the battle against demonic leftists. And let me be clear: I’m not questioning God’s power; I’m augmenting it with an AR-15 and a laser sight. Those libcucks Pearl Jam got one thing right when they sang, “Got a gun, fact I got two / That’s OK, man, ’cause I love God.” Remember: it’s “Thou shalt not kill,” not “Thou shalt not shoot.”

Speaking of: if God blessed His chosen people with firearms, it’s only logical that I use them to protect me, my wife, and my nine children from cultural marxism. That’s why it’s important to focus on the real issues facing Americans, like stock-bump bans and waiting periods. Seriously, how can I protect my family from weather weapons if I can’t buy a grenade launcher today? Firearms are also why I don’t bother with vaccines or washing my hands. I don’t need soap when I can just kill germs and viruses with 147-grain hollow points from my Glock G19.

As for my underground bunker, well, that’s for when the Soros-funded globalists launch another plandemic to start over with their army of transhumanist antifas. Thanks to My Patriot Supply, me and my family can hunker down for months with emergency food kits, a solar-powered generator, and a water filtration system. I’ve also got plenty of home-schooling materials, including the whole Liberty Lane Series, to make sure my children don’t become indoctrinated by woke.

I have no doubt about the righteousness of my struggle, because God put Trump in office to make sure my Second Amendment right is protected. After all, it ain’t no coincidence that you can’t spell “magazine” without “MAGA.” I’m not trying to say God NEEDS me and my insane cache of weapons, I just think He’ll appreciate the help come judgment day.

Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — The Ronnie James Dio hologram created by digital holography production company Eyellusion in 2016 is already refusing to open for the inevitable, upcoming Ozzy Osbourne hologram, sources report.

“I started the hologram game when I performed at Wacken Open Air almost a decade ago, and I’ll be permanently decommissioned before I play second fiddle to the Ozzy hologram that’s most likely in production,” the Dio hologram said. “The reason my corporal form left Black Sabbath for the second time in 1992 was because I refused to open for Ozzy during the ‘Dehumanizer’ tour. Every actual Black Sabbath fan knows that Ozzy was by far the least talented vocalist the band ever had, and it’s not even close. The audiences would much rather see my translucent likeness sing ‘Neon Knights’ and ‘Voodoo’ over him mumbling the lyrics to ‘War Pigs’ and ‘Paranoid’ for the millionth time.”

The Osbourne hologram, which is in fact in development at Eyellusion, weighed in on the situation.

“Of course the Dio hologram will be opening for me,” the Osbourne hologram asserted. “He really expects to be headlining over the most popular metal singer in history? This was true when I was in flesh form, and it will be true when my virtual form is completed. Dio is lucky my human form got kicked out of Black Sabbath in the late ‘70s, because without ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘Mob Rules’ he never would’ve reached the popularity that he did over the next decade. Fans better get ready to see my awkward, blurry figure light up the stage in both clubs and festivals, because it’s definitely coming.”

Metalhead Heath Girard expressed his unhappiness with the situation at large.

“Ugh, I really wish they wouldn’t do these holograms at all,” Girard lamented. “I’m a huge fan of Dio, so it was heartbreaking seeing pre-recorded live footage of him projected onto a stupid Star Wars-knockoff hologram while bored-looking studio musicians played old Rainbow and Black Sabbath tracks. Ozzy was so overexposed when he was alive that I feel like his virtual show will be even more depressing. Maybe with both Ozzy and Dio gone, the remaining members of Black Sabbath will instead tour with Tony Martin on vocals, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.” 

At press time, Eyellusion decided to create a hologram of the Dio hologram that was programmed to accept the situation.

Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age 78 yesterday, according to autocorrect.

“There is no Grateful Dead without Bob’s guitar. He was in it from the beginning, all the way back to the Warlocks. Musicians like him don’t come around often, and I’m so thankful he was able to share his gifts with the world for as long as he did,” said Neil Young, a collaborator on several projects and performances. “Wait, Bob Weird?” he added. “Shit, I’ve been saying Bob Weir this whole time! You know he never once corrected me! Bob Weird huh? I like it!”

Fans expressed remorse over the renowned musician’s passing.

“World lost a great one, man. He poured his soul into his art. God, I’m going to miss his playing,” said Ponytail Johnson, who followed Grateful Dead tours in a retrofitted school bus for decades. “And I just want to double-check something: this is Bob Weir we’re talking about, right? I cracked my back earlier today and watched a stop sign turn into a praying mantis, so maybe this is still part of the flashback, but I’m pretty sure Bob Weird was never in the Grateful Dead. Bob Weir was, though. Is this like, a different timeline or something, man? Far out!” 

Bob Weird, a maritime lawyer from San Diego, sent condolences to the family and fans of the legendary musician. 

“The press keeps asking me for a comment about my death. It’s concerning that they’d try to reach a deceased person for a quote, let alone the wrong person to begin with, but autocorrect errors spread fast with how much everyone is on their phones. Anyway, I’m admittedly more of a metal guy, but I’ll give it a shot. ‘As Jerry [Garcia] said about the Grateful Dead, it’s for people who like licorice. I like licorice, and Bob Weir will be deeply missed. His beautiful spirit will live on.’ Now, please stop contacting me.”

As of press time, autocorrect programs updated the late musician’s name to “Rob Weir.”

Couple Has Baby to Save Situationship

Posted on by Bobby Korec

POTTSVILLE, Pa. — Local couple Jules Rainier and Victor Trembino welcomed a newborn baby in a last-ditch effort to save their struggling situationship, confirmed sources who were out of ideas otherwise. 

“Many think this baby was an ‘oopsie.’ But no, this was totally planned to salvage our casual sex acquaintanceship. Sadly, it’s not working so far,” said Trembino while staring at his child as if he’s never seen a human infant in his entire life. “I was just looking for a casual hookup I could intermittently spend the rest of my life with. This baby was supposed to solidify that. But it turns out you have to dedicate more than a few hours per week to this tiny human whose sole purpose is to seemingly ooze substances from every orifice all day long. Man, being a father is rough. Almost as rough as being in a committed relationship. I’m going back to being childless as soon as this whole parenting thing blows over.”

The grandparents couldn’t be more excited, yet confused, for them.

“I hope this baby means they’re starting to get serious,” said new grandfather Donovan Rainier. “I think they might even be ready to call each other ‘boyfriend-girlfriend,’ but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. After all, they’ve only been kind of dating for 10 and a half months. It really takes time for relationships to develop. You don’t want to move too fast or else you might scare the other person away. Their baby won’t be sentient for another few years anyway, so they still have time to iron out all the relational details.”

Couples therapist Gia Branding sees these types of unorthodox relationships frequently.

“This phenomenon is quite common among people who are commitment-averse,” said Branding. “Modern romantic relationships have morphed into what we like to call ‘parents with benefits’ or ‘on-again, off-again spouses’ or ‘conjugal fuck buddies.’ Just because you and your casual partner have a baby, buy a house, and combine your finances, doesn’t mean you want to be referred to as ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’ Those terms are antiquated. It’s time we embrace more fluid parenting.”  

At press time, after a few weeks of indecisiveness, Rainier and Trembino decided to make things official and name their baby. 

Nostalgia FTW: This Millennial Based Their Entire Identity on Liking the “Angus” Soundtrack

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To the untrained eye, Josh Dibbets is an average 39-year-old male. He lives in a condo with his uncle, has a robust DVD collection, and likes to order food on Uber Eats. But after one quick hang session, you’ll find the topic of conversation always confoundingly leads Josh to the same conclusion — “The greatest album of all-time is lowkey the Angus soundtrack.” For years, doctors believed him to have some type of rare, undefined mental illness, but in reality, Josh just really really really really really likes the Angus soundtrack.

“You gotta put yourself in my shoes. When the Angus soundtrack came out, I was nine. It completely shattered my pre-existing worldview, and I knew, ‘this is it.’ This is what I want to do with my life,” Josh tries to explain. But how does one do the Angus soundtrack with their life? “Let me put it to you this way,” Josh clarifies, “The Angus soundtrack is lowkey the best album of all time.”

While this outlook may seem puerile or even fucking stupid, there is a refreshing quality to Josh’s unwavering dedication to an otherwise random CD he owned in prepubescence. Staying true to one’s childhood preoccupations requires an almost monk-like asceticism, which admittedly may have been better suited towards more altruistic pursuits, but nonetheless displays an indomitable spirit possessed by few. Josh, nearly moved to tears by this sentiment, adds, “Dude, they even got a Smoking Popes song on here!”  

However, Josh is finding out the hard way that such steadfast dedication to an original motion picture soundtrack from 1995 is not exactly paying dividends. Unemployed for most of his adult life, Josh does not even qualify for disability because, according to the U.S. Department of Labor’s website, really liking the Angus soundtrack does not meet the necessary criteria. “The system is set up for guys like me to fail. This current administration, and every one before it, quite frankly, have done nothing for our community and clearly think the Empire Records soundtrack is better.”

Unfortunately, our desire to ask follow-up questions, of which there were many, was outweighed by a sudden impulse to get the fuck out of there. Forget about all that indomitable spirit stuff I said, this guy is so annoying! And then his uncle came home, and things only got weirder from there. We listened to the Angus soundtrack. The Green Day song and the Weezer song were good, and the rest was whatever. 

Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance

Posted on by Charles Bill

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one every hour until his friends give Ween an honest chance, confirmed sources.

“I don’t think I’m asking for the world here,” said patchouli oil reeking hostage taker Clayton Ferguson. “I just want my friends to listen to one Ween album, all the way through. Every time I put on Ween in the car they make me turn it off instantly, hopefully now they have no choice.  Carl, James, Tanya, if you’re listening to me, I will paint the wall with this motherfucker’s brain unless you fully listen to ‘Chocolate and Cheese’ and give me your honest opinion on it. Stay seated, asshole. I won’t hesitate to cap you! No, I don’t want any money, stop asking!”

Although Ferguson’s friends expressed concerns over the hostages’ safety, they made it clear that they won’t give into his demands.

“You can kill my own mother if you have to, I’m not listening to that trash,” Carl Jones adamantly insisted. “Let me make something perfectly clear: just because a band plays songs spanning all genres doesn’t mean they are good at any of them. I’d rather see a million hostages shot than listen to three minutes of ‘The Mollusk.’ I don’t fucking care if it was in ‘The SpongeBob Movie,’ so was David Hasslehoff, you don’t see me hanging out with him.”

The police at the scene were baffled.

“I’ve never seen such a deranged individual,” said 30-year veteran negotiator Captain Rick Steele. “We see all kinds of hostage situations. People want their kids back, need money for a sex change for their lover, someone wants to force their family to watch the extended editions of ‘Lord of the Rings.’ But this? This is something else entirely. Never have I seen a perp so messed up that they think it’s ok to subject others to ‘Buckingham Green.’ Luckily we have snipers in place, hopefully we can get this thing wrapped up without anyone important being hurt.”

At press time, Ferguson was enticed with an offer to let one hostage go in exchange for police referring to him as Clayton Ween.

Ice Agent Just Three Summary Executions Away From Getting Free Spicy Deluxe Sandwich From Chick-Fil-a

Posted on by Tim Sheard

MINNEAPOLIS — Jonathan Ross, the ICE agent who summarily executed 37-year-old Renee Good, was excited that he only had to murder three more people for no reason to get a free Chick-fil-A Spicy Deluxe Sandwich, sources report.

“Yeah, I got this punch card from Chick-fil-A when I signed up for ICE,” Ross told a female reporter just after calling her a “fucking bitch”. “That, and those commercials that made working for ICE look like the video game Halo, was the whole reason I signed up for this job to begin with. I’m loving my career here; it definitely beats watching Nick Fuentes videos and jacking off to XHamster in my mom’s basement all day. It was totally worth alienating everyone in my life so I can patrol the streets menacing individuals who are just trying to live their lives. Turns out the joke’s on all the people who call me a ‘vile, disgusting excuse for a human being’, because I don’t see any of them eating a free chicken sandwich.”

Chick-fil-A spokesperson Tina Kettering spoke about the restaurant’s special promotion.

“Chick-fil-A decided to partner with ICE to offer this little incentive program to our brave officers,” Kettering said. “We’ve been forced to walk back donations made by our company to organizations with bigoted agendas, as well as multiple cases of discrimination against LGBTQ+ employees and homophobic statements from our owners, so this is a perfect opportunity for us to reaffirm our conservative values. Through this little token of our appreciation, ICE agents are encouraged to keep up their great work robbing innocent people of their lives.”

Business expert Hawa Atieno was not surprised by the news.

“Chain restaurants are perhaps the most ghoulish organizations in our country, and that’s saying a lot,” Atieno provided. “From their appalling treatment of the animals used for food to their prohibitions against organized labor, most places you stop at to grab a quick burger are run by some of the worst human beings on the planet. I’m surprised it took this long for one of these restaurants to pull a move this galling and despicable. Honestly, would you have been surprised if, for example, Cracker Barrel offered free meals for Capitol insurrectionists?”

At press time. Ross was hoping a fourth summary execution would get him a free order of Waffle Fries.

Humiliating: Noise Artist Forgets To Tune Vacuum Cleaner Before Live Set

Posted on by Steve Packosky

ROUND ROCK, Texas — Noise artist Ronny Sours made the unforgivable mistake of forgetting to tune his vacuum cleaner before taking the stage at his most recent live show, disgusted sources report.

“Oh man, I’m so disappointed in myself,” Sours lamented. “I spent hours rehearsing before this show, and I threw it all away by forgetting to tune my Dirt Devil. I had it all planned out, too. I was going to throw myself on the ground and wriggle around for a little while, then stand up, grab the vacuum, and wrap myself up in the power cord before falling down and wriggling around some more. However, when I turned on the vacuum, it was clearly out of tune. I was so embarrassed, but at that point there was nothing I could do. I’m not going to be able to show my face in this town again.”

Audience member Shanice Harkin was displeased by the performance.

“Ugh, what is this, amateur hour?” Harkin grumbled. “Everybody knows vacuum cleaners need to be tuned to D. Frankly, I was impressed when Sours got on stage with that Dirt Devil, because that’s the hardest brand to tune. However, it soon became evident that he was in over his head with that thing. He needs to go back to basics and start using a Hoover or Eureka for his live performances, but I won’t be watching. I have a little thing called ‘standards’ when I go to noise shows. I’m only going to watch a true professional dance around like a fucking idiot on stage.”

Noise expert George Sok was asked for his opinion on the matter.

“Noise artists are incredibly meticulous when it comes to their live performances, so I find this little snafu surprising,” Sok noted. “Whether it’s making sure their power tools have enough battery or the clothing rack they’re rolling around on is safely put together, they always make sure no stone goes unturned in ensuring they’re putting forth their best, most nonsensical show. This is honestly the first mistake I’ve seen in all of my years researching noise, and the fact that it’s such a glaring one makes it all the more surprising. Everybody knows making sure your vacuum is tuned should be the first thing on every noise artist’s mind.”

At press time, Sours further embarrassed himself by forgetting to expose his genitals before shitting on the floor and eating it.

Five Other Characters in “The Wonder Years” That Were Also Played by Marilyn Manson

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s common knowledge that shock rocker turned garbage human Marilyn Manson played the character Paul on the late eighties/early nineties coming-of-age comedy “The Wonder Years”. We all heard this fact from trusted sources, be they older siblings or classmates, and know it to be true, so any kind of actual fact-checking would just be a waste of time. Did you know, however, that Paul wasn’t the only character portrayed by Manson? Here are five others that you might not’ve been aware of:

  1. Norma Arnold

That’s right, Marilyn Manson also played the character of Norma. This must have been quite the adjustment for the purveyor of such twisted and evil music to act as the notoriously happy and optimistic mother of Kevin, the show’s main character, but we’ve gotta say, he really pulled it off. At no point during our viewing of this series did we suspect that she was the same person we would see in the music video for “The Beautiful People” just a few short years later.

  1. Jeff Billings

What, you thought Kevin’s friend Jeff, whom Kevin tries to hook up with the new girl in school in Season 6, was played by famed Scientologist Giovanni Ribisi? Think again, bud, because that is clearly Marilyn Manson who’s unable to get over his girlfriend from back home, and he does a fantastic job conveying it, too. No disrespect to Ribisi, but we definitely don’t think he had the chops for this role, anyway.

  1. Ed Cutlip

Whoa, Marilyn Manson played both Kevin’s best friend and his gym teacher? You bet he did, and he was incredibly convincing as the insecure and oftentimes cruel instructor who later shows his soft side when Kevin discovers him working as a part-time department store Santa. We’ve heard alleged domestic abusers tend to have inferiority complexes, so perhaps this is where the real-life Manson derived some of his influence.

  1. Winnie Cooper

You guessed it, Marilyn Manson portrayed Kevin’s love interest as well as his best friend. The decision for this casting is actually kind of befuddling, as the number of scenes involving both Winnie and Paul is too many to count, and the editing must’ve been a fucking nightmare, but hey, who are we to argue with genius? We have to admit that he was excellent in this role, and the constant on-again/off-again romance between Winnie and Kevin had us on the edge of our seats.

  1. Mr. Cantwell

And here you thought this was notable actor and creator of dipshit religious documentaries Ben Stein showing film strips while speaking in a monotone voice. Nope, that’s obviously none other than Marilyn Manson you’re seeing as Kevin’s bespectacled high school science teacher. It looks like you’re the one who needs glasses!

There you have it! Hopefully, this provided you with some additional insight into your cherished childhood TV show. Stay tuned for our retrospective on the Munchkin that definitely hanged himself in the background of “The Wizard of Oz”.