Absolutely Tragic: This Man Is So Distracted From the Epstein Files He’s Forgetting Details of Ghislaine Maxwell’s Face

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s an open secret that the Trump administration’s recent escalation in the pace of its fascist agenda is in part an attempt to distract from the Epstein files and Donald Trump’s many connections to Jeffrey Epstein’s sex trafficking empire. While the attempt tracks as transparent, even pathetic to most people, sadly, for at least one mentally exhausted man, it’s working. 

Glenn Torrence is a 59-year-old semi-retired electrical engineer from Burlington, Vermont, and for the last few days, he has found himself so distracted from the Epstein case that he’s having difficulty even recalling the face of Ghislaine Maxwell, a woman who once held such importance in his mind.  

“Every day I lose more and more, it’s all just bits and pieces now.” As the visibly haunted Torrence says this, he stares transfixed into the last but off coffee at the bottom of his mug, as if the thing he’s trying so desperately to recall was down there somewhere, waiting to be found. “I remember a man, a bad man, with an airplane. There was an island and massages, Chris Tucker was there for some reason, and a woman… the woman… those predatory eyes, that entitled smirk, her… red hair? No. Black. Her hair was black! Dammit, Glenn! You’ve got to remember!” 

We followed Torrence as he wandered his home and its grounds, the tepid, half-present shuffle of a man desperately trying to untangle the knot in his mind. 

“Between the Venezuela thing and the ICE murder and Greenland, Christ, now Iran, I just feel like I’m starting to lose the thread on something really important. They kept her somewhere, the woman, they kept her, like a prisoner? And people were upset, yes! Upset because she was being treated so… well? That can’t be right. Why would someone in prison be treated too well? God, it’s like, I remember Woody Allen was involved, and I remember that was super not surprising, but I can no longer remember the color of her eyes, what her laugh sounded like, the shape of her face.” 

Torrence brought us to his painting studio, where he hoped a flow state might enable him to recreate Ghislaine’s likeness, but after an agonizing two hours and a canvas that bore no likeness to anyone, the crestfallen man dropped his brushes and began to weep.  

“It’s starting to feel hopeless, like I’ll never get it back. All I can remember for sure is that the current President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, a convicted rapist, is a pedophile who needs to be removed from office as soon as humanly possible and by any means necessary.”

Heroic ICE Agent Recovering in Hospital After Near-Fatal Jerk Sesh

Posted on by Dan Rice

MINNEAPOLIS — An ICE agent is reportedly resting comfortably in hospital and expected to make a full recovery after an intense and reportedly near-fatal masturbation session earlier this week.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with Todd Underling and his family,” said Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem in a press conference this morning, addressing the immigration officer who very nearly cranked himself into an early grave, according to sources. “Mr. Underling had a long, hard day of performing the warentless door to door raids that secure this countries freedom, he wanted to boost his efficiency by optimizing his relaxation, and in his deep, deep passion for performing his duty free of stress, he became dangerously dehydrated, and suffered injuries to his wrist, and some chaffing that may have become infected. I am told he is recuperating as we speak, and that the pornography he masturbated to was strictly girl-girl stuff; he was not looking at any weiners.” 

By morning, Underling was well enough to recount his harrowing ordeal with reporters via Zoom. 

“I was just doing what any good patriot in my situation would do,” said Underling, who was in full body traction despite having at best a sore shoulder. “I’m normally not a dry guy, but the only lotion at the motel was scented, and that felt too feminine. I should have known three times was too many, but between the illegals and the protestors, and they “Hey, you’re murderers!” all goddamn day I figured I made the call to go for an extra release. It was this hot girl-on-girl scene that did me in, pretty sure there were no dudes, and if there were dudes they were just doing missionary and the camera was mostly on the girl’s huge cans, so you couldn’t see the guy’s thing. Anyway, I guess Jesus decided it wasn’t my time.” 

Fellow ICE agent Russ Callow recalled finding his comrade near death in his motel room, and the race to get his friend to the hospital in time. 

“There was no time to think, I knew the score right away,” recounted Callow. “I guess I was driving pretty recklessly, because I kept hearing angry voices say things like “Hey, that’s my mailbox!” or “Holy shit, stop shooting at me from your speeding car! I guess I was pretty shook up. You know, because of Todd’s condition, not because I was weirded out by the porn. It was normal porn with just hot ladies, the kind we all jerk off to at ICE.” 

At press time, Kristi Noem has pledged an investigation to find the ANTIFA hackers who loaded Underling’s hard drive with search terms like “BBC sissy JOI marathon” and “Poppers slave.” 

Jonathan Davis Hired to Teach CIA Agents How to Control Bullets Through Scatting

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LANGLEY, Va. — The CIA hired Korn frontman Jonathan Davis to teach operatives how to control bullets through scatting following the President’s chance viewing of the “Freak on a Leash” music video, frustrated and tired sources confirmed. 

“We were looking for something… unique,” said the CIA official, who asked to remain anonymous. “Trump was sitting in the White House, flipping through channels during his daily executive time, and he saw that ‘Freak on a Leash’ video on MTV Classic. Unfortunately, whether it’s Fox News or a 25 year old music video, the president has a tendency to believe everything he sees on TV. So, Trump called us up immediately, saying we need to figure this thing out before Antifa does. The next thing you know, we’re on a plane to Bakersfield trying to weaponize Jonathan Davis’s… gifts.”

The now middle-aged Davis explained that, while the bullet scene was done by special effects, he was more than happy to take money from the government.

“I mean, can I control bullets? Probably not. Then again, I’ve never really tested it. My scatting is pretty powerful though,” Davis admitted with a shrug. “But when the CIA called, I didn’t exactly ask too many questions. The paycheck is great, and honestly, I could use a little extra cash. Sure, it’s potentially dangerous. But I mean, if a couple of undercover agents are shot because they were squawking and grunting at a loaded weapon instead of ducking for cover, that’s on them, not me.”

Shockingly, some insiders have claimed that this is just the tip of the iceberg for nu-metal inspired black ops missions.

“It’s not just Jonathan Davis. There’s an entire underground division dedicated to experimenting with nu-metal as a form of psychological warfare,” claimed the anonymous source. “For years we’ve been torturing detainees using the music of Godsmack and Saliva. But the CIA has also contacted Fred Durst to see if his recipe for ‘hot dog flavored water’ might be used as a sort of truth serum. We’ve also reached out to System of a Down, but to be honest that was just because the boys are big fans of that ‘Chop Suey’ tune.”

At press time, President Trump instructed the National Guard to help quell the ongoing riots in “Linkin Park.”

Opinion: My All-Powerful And All-Knowing God Will Protect Me From Anything, But I Still Need The Weapons Cache In My Bunker Just In Case

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

The world is a threatening place. There’s lotsa scary stuff out there — like Democrat professors denigrating America by bringing up slavery — but I’m not afraid, because God will protect me from Satan and His Deep State minions. Heck, the Bible’s pretty gosh darn clear on God’s abilities. As it says in Psalm 147, “Great is our Lord, and of great power; His understanding is infinite.”

And while it’s true that God can summon literally any weapon He wants to smite His enemies, I still have my own arsenal in the battle against demonic leftists. And let me be clear: I’m not questioning God’s power; I’m augmenting it with an AR-15 and a laser sight. Those libcucks Pearl Jam got one thing right when they sang, “Got a gun, fact I got two / That’s OK, man, ’cause I love God.” Remember: it’s “Thou shalt not kill,” not “Thou shalt not shoot.”

Speaking of: if God blessed His chosen people with firearms, it’s only logical that I use them to protect me, my wife, and my nine children from cultural marxism. That’s why it’s important to focus on the real issues facing Americans, like stock-bump bans and waiting periods. Seriously, how can I protect my family from weather weapons if I can’t buy a grenade launcher today? Firearms are also why I don’t bother with vaccines or washing my hands. I don’t need soap when I can just kill germs and viruses with 147-grain hollow points from my Glock G19.

As for my underground bunker, well, that’s for when the Soros-funded globalists launch another plandemic to start over with their army of transhumanist antifas. Thanks to My Patriot Supply, me and my family can hunker down for months with emergency food kits, a solar-powered generator, and a water filtration system. I’ve also got plenty of home-schooling materials, including the whole Liberty Lane Series, to make sure my children don’t become indoctrinated by woke.

I have no doubt about the righteousness of my struggle, because God put Trump in office to make sure my Second Amendment right is protected. After all, it ain’t no coincidence that you can’t spell “magazine” without “MAGA.” I’m not trying to say God NEEDS me and my insane cache of weapons, I just think He’ll appreciate the help come judgment day.

Dio Hologram Already Refusing To Open for Upcoming Ozzy Hologram

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — The Ronnie James Dio hologram created by digital holography production company Eyellusion in 2016 is already refusing to open for the inevitable, upcoming Ozzy Osbourne hologram, sources report.

“I started the hologram game when I performed at Wacken Open Air almost a decade ago, and I’ll be permanently decommissioned before I play second fiddle to the Ozzy hologram that’s most likely in production,” the Dio hologram said. “The reason my corporal form left Black Sabbath for the second time in 1992 was because I refused to open for Ozzy during the ‘Dehumanizer’ tour. Every actual Black Sabbath fan knows that Ozzy was by far the least talented vocalist the band ever had, and it’s not even close. The audiences would much rather see my translucent likeness sing ‘Neon Knights’ and ‘Voodoo’ over him mumbling the lyrics to ‘War Pigs’ and ‘Paranoid’ for the millionth time.”

The Osbourne hologram, which is in fact in development at Eyellusion, weighed in on the situation.

“Of course the Dio hologram will be opening for me,” the Osbourne hologram asserted. “He really expects to be headlining over the most popular metal singer in history? This was true when I was in flesh form, and it will be true when my virtual form is completed. Dio is lucky my human form got kicked out of Black Sabbath in the late ‘70s, because without ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘Mob Rules’ he never would’ve reached the popularity that he did over the next decade. Fans better get ready to see my awkward, blurry figure light up the stage in both clubs and festivals, because it’s definitely coming.”

Metalhead Heath Girard expressed his unhappiness with the situation at large.

“Ugh, I really wish they wouldn’t do these holograms at all,” Girard lamented. “I’m a huge fan of Dio, so it was heartbreaking seeing pre-recorded live footage of him projected onto a stupid Star Wars-knockoff hologram while bored-looking studio musicians played old Rainbow and Black Sabbath tracks. Ozzy was so overexposed when he was alive that I feel like his virtual show will be even more depressing. Maybe with both Ozzy and Dio gone, the remaining members of Black Sabbath will instead tour with Tony Martin on vocals, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part.” 

At press time, Eyellusion decided to create a hologram of the Dio hologram that was programmed to accept the situation.

Bob Weird Dead at 78, According To Autocorrect

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

SAN FRANCISCO — Bob Weird, a founding member of the Grateful Dead, died at age 78 yesterday, according to autocorrect.

“There is no Grateful Dead without Bob’s guitar. He was in it from the beginning, all the way back to the Warlocks. Musicians like him don’t come around often, and I’m so thankful he was able to share his gifts with the world for as long as he did,” said Neil Young, a collaborator on several projects and performances. “Wait, Bob Weird?” he added. “Shit, I’ve been saying Bob Weir this whole time! You know he never once corrected me! Bob Weird huh? I like it!”

Fans expressed remorse over the renowned musician’s passing.

“World lost a great one, man. He poured his soul into his art. God, I’m going to miss his playing,” said Ponytail Johnson, who followed Grateful Dead tours in a retrofitted school bus for decades. “And I just want to double-check something: this is Bob Weir we’re talking about, right? I cracked my back earlier today and watched a stop sign turn into a praying mantis, so maybe this is still part of the flashback, but I’m pretty sure Bob Weird was never in the Grateful Dead. Bob Weir was, though. Is this like, a different timeline or something, man? Far out!” 

Bob Weird, a maritime lawyer from San Diego, sent condolences to the family and fans of the legendary musician. 

“The press keeps asking me for a comment about my death. It’s concerning that they’d try to reach a deceased person for a quote, let alone the wrong person to begin with, but autocorrect errors spread fast with how much everyone is on their phones. Anyway, I’m admittedly more of a metal guy, but I’ll give it a shot. ‘As Jerry [Garcia] said about the Grateful Dead, it’s for people who like licorice. I like licorice, and Bob Weir will be deeply missed. His beautiful spirit will live on.’ Now, please stop contacting me.”

As of press time, autocorrect programs updated the late musician’s name to “Rob Weir.”

Couple Has Baby to Save Situationship

Posted on by Bobby Korec

POTTSVILLE, Pa. — Local couple Jules Rainier and Victor Trembino welcomed a newborn baby in a last-ditch effort to save their struggling situationship, confirmed sources who were out of ideas otherwise. 

“Many think this baby was an ‘oopsie.’ But no, this was totally planned to salvage our casual sex acquaintanceship. Sadly, it’s not working so far,” said Trembino while staring at his child as if he’s never seen a human infant in his entire life. “I was just looking for a casual hookup I could intermittently spend the rest of my life with. This baby was supposed to solidify that. But it turns out you have to dedicate more than a few hours per week to this tiny human whose sole purpose is to seemingly ooze substances from every orifice all day long. Man, being a father is rough. Almost as rough as being in a committed relationship. I’m going back to being childless as soon as this whole parenting thing blows over.”

The grandparents couldn’t be more excited, yet confused, for them.

“I hope this baby means they’re starting to get serious,” said new grandfather Donovan Rainier. “I think they might even be ready to call each other ‘boyfriend-girlfriend,’ but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. After all, they’ve only been kind of dating for 10 and a half months. It really takes time for relationships to develop. You don’t want to move too fast or else you might scare the other person away. Their baby won’t be sentient for another few years anyway, so they still have time to iron out all the relational details.”

Couples therapist Gia Branding sees these types of unorthodox relationships frequently.

“This phenomenon is quite common among people who are commitment-averse,” said Branding. “Modern romantic relationships have morphed into what we like to call ‘parents with benefits’ or ‘on-again, off-again spouses’ or ‘conjugal fuck buddies.’ Just because you and your casual partner have a baby, buy a house, and combine your finances, doesn’t mean you want to be referred to as ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’ Those terms are antiquated. It’s time we embrace more fluid parenting.”  

At press time, after a few weeks of indecisiveness, Rainier and Trembino decided to make things official and name their baby. 

Nostalgia FTW: This Millennial Based Their Entire Identity on Liking the “Angus” Soundtrack

Posted on by Kyle Donley

To the untrained eye, Josh Dibbets is an average 39-year-old male. He lives in a condo with his uncle, has a robust DVD collection, and likes to order food on Uber Eats. But after one quick hang session, you’ll find the topic of conversation always confoundingly leads Josh to the same conclusion — “The greatest album of all-time is lowkey the Angus soundtrack.” For years, doctors believed him to have some type of rare, undefined mental illness, but in reality, Josh just really really really really really likes the Angus soundtrack.

“You gotta put yourself in my shoes. When the Angus soundtrack came out, I was nine. It completely shattered my pre-existing worldview, and I knew, ‘this is it.’ This is what I want to do with my life,” Josh tries to explain. But how does one do the Angus soundtrack with their life? “Let me put it to you this way,” Josh clarifies, “The Angus soundtrack is lowkey the best album of all time.”

While this outlook may seem puerile or even fucking stupid, there is a refreshing quality to Josh’s unwavering dedication to an otherwise random CD he owned in prepubescence. Staying true to one’s childhood preoccupations requires an almost monk-like asceticism, which admittedly may have been better suited towards more altruistic pursuits, but nonetheless displays an indomitable spirit possessed by few. Josh, nearly moved to tears by this sentiment, adds, “Dude, they even got a Smoking Popes song on here!”  

However, Josh is finding out the hard way that such steadfast dedication to an original motion picture soundtrack from 1995 is not exactly paying dividends. Unemployed for most of his adult life, Josh does not even qualify for disability because, according to the U.S. Department of Labor’s website, really liking the Angus soundtrack does not meet the necessary criteria. “The system is set up for guys like me to fail. This current administration, and every one before it, quite frankly, have done nothing for our community and clearly think the Empire Records soundtrack is better.”

Unfortunately, our desire to ask follow-up questions, of which there were many, was outweighed by a sudden impulse to get the fuck out of there. Forget about all that indomitable spirit stuff I said, this guy is so annoying! And then his uncle came home, and things only got weirder from there. We listened to the Angus soundtrack. The Green Day song and the Weezer song were good, and the rest was whatever. 

Man Will Kill One Hostage an Hour Until His Friends Give Ween a Chance

Posted on by Charles Bill

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local disturbed man took bankgoers hostage and threatened to execute one every hour until his friends give Ween an honest chance, confirmed sources.

“I don’t think I’m asking for the world here,” said patchouli oil reeking hostage taker Clayton Ferguson. “I just want my friends to listen to one Ween album, all the way through. Every time I put on Ween in the car they make me turn it off instantly, hopefully now they have no choice.  Carl, James, Tanya, if you’re listening to me, I will paint the wall with this motherfucker’s brain unless you fully listen to ‘Chocolate and Cheese’ and give me your honest opinion on it. Stay seated, asshole. I won’t hesitate to cap you! No, I don’t want any money, stop asking!”

Although Ferguson’s friends expressed concerns over the hostages’ safety, they made it clear that they won’t give into his demands.

“You can kill my own mother if you have to, I’m not listening to that trash,” Carl Jones adamantly insisted. “Let me make something perfectly clear: just because a band plays songs spanning all genres doesn’t mean they are good at any of them. I’d rather see a million hostages shot than listen to three minutes of ‘The Mollusk.’ I don’t fucking care if it was in ‘The SpongeBob Movie,’ so was David Hasslehoff, you don’t see me hanging out with him.”

The police at the scene were baffled.

“I’ve never seen such a deranged individual,” said 30-year veteran negotiator Captain Rick Steele. “We see all kinds of hostage situations. People want their kids back, need money for a sex change for their lover, someone wants to force their family to watch the extended editions of ‘Lord of the Rings.’ But this? This is something else entirely. Never have I seen a perp so messed up that they think it’s ok to subject others to ‘Buckingham Green.’ Luckily we have snipers in place, hopefully we can get this thing wrapped up without anyone important being hurt.”

At press time, Ferguson was enticed with an offer to let one hostage go in exchange for police referring to him as Clayton Ween.

Ice Agent Just Three Summary Executions Away From Getting Free Spicy Deluxe Sandwich From Chick-Fil-a

Posted on by Tim Sheard

MINNEAPOLIS — Jonathan Ross, the ICE agent who summarily executed 37-year-old Renee Good, was excited that he only had to murder three more people for no reason to get a free Chick-fil-A Spicy Deluxe Sandwich, sources report.

“Yeah, I got this punch card from Chick-fil-A when I signed up for ICE,” Ross told a female reporter just after calling her a “fucking bitch”. “That, and those commercials that made working for ICE look like the video game Halo, was the whole reason I signed up for this job to begin with. I’m loving my career here; it definitely beats watching Nick Fuentes videos and jacking off to XHamster in my mom’s basement all day. It was totally worth alienating everyone in my life so I can patrol the streets menacing individuals who are just trying to live their lives. Turns out the joke’s on all the people who call me a ‘vile, disgusting excuse for a human being’, because I don’t see any of them eating a free chicken sandwich.”

Chick-fil-A spokesperson Tina Kettering spoke about the restaurant’s special promotion.

“Chick-fil-A decided to partner with ICE to offer this little incentive program to our brave officers,” Kettering said. “We’ve been forced to walk back donations made by our company to organizations with bigoted agendas, as well as multiple cases of discrimination against LGBTQ+ employees and homophobic statements from our owners, so this is a perfect opportunity for us to reaffirm our conservative values. Through this little token of our appreciation, ICE agents are encouraged to keep up their great work robbing innocent people of their lives.”

Business expert Hawa Atieno was not surprised by the news.

“Chain restaurants are perhaps the most ghoulish organizations in our country, and that’s saying a lot,” Atieno provided. “From their appalling treatment of the animals used for food to their prohibitions against organized labor, most places you stop at to grab a quick burger are run by some of the worst human beings on the planet. I’m surprised it took this long for one of these restaurants to pull a move this galling and despicable. Honestly, would you have been surprised if, for example, Cracker Barrel offered free meals for Capitol insurrectionists?”

At press time. Ross was hoping a fourth summary execution would get him a free order of Waffle Fries.