CDC Announces: This Cold and Flu Season, ‘Trust No One’

Posted on by Nick Brandt

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that this cold and flu season, the general public should “trust no one,” bewildered sources confirm.

“It’s time for a new approach to public safety,” said Jay Bhattacharya, acting director of the CDC. “I’ve been in charge of germs for over 30 days so I know a thing or two about public health economics. Public trust in the agency is at an all-time low, and I plan to take advantage of that bear market. Mask mandates, Lysol wipes, it’s all too late for that. Any doubts you feel towards the CDC should be multiplied tenfold and directed towards your family and loved ones, your neighbors and friends. I repeat, trust no one. Watch your back this flu season.”

Local 311 operators reported that multiple callers have reached out to non-emergency services for help in these troubling times.

“I like to think I’m an informed voter,” said Marc Huffton, concerned citizen. “I read the news on my phone when I’m constipated and make sure to avoid anything about the Arab situation, doctor’s orders, but I just don’t know who to trust anymore. On the one hand you have experts saying that fluids and rest and pre-emptive inoculations help curb the spread of influenza, but then on the other hand you have experts saying that vaccines nourish the devil in the hearts of man. Everyone is such an extremist now. What happened to the normal, sensible people?”

Infectious disease expert and heirloom public servant Robert F. Kennedy Jr. offered his candid expertise.

“My fellow Americans, the CDC has been infiltrated by the enemy,” said Kennedy. “Do not let them hoodwink you with their elaborate mumbo jumbo. Remember Fauci, that scam artist? I punched him in the ribs. The only medicine a man needs is three fingers of corn whiskey and medium rare chuck eye. Anyone who thinks otherwise better say their pinko prayers. Feeling a little tight in the chest, soyboy? Want a salad? Get yourself a rowing machine and build it inside a sauna. Remember, semen retention is key. No chicks allowed.”

At press time, the CDC announced that if you develop flu-like symptoms this season, you should hunt down the person who infected you, murder them cold-bloodedly in the street, and drink plenty of fluids.

I’ll Be the Judge of That! Waiter Thinks Plate Is Really Hot

Posted on by Kyle Donley

“Oh God, please let this be our food!”

A cavalcade of 19-year-old boys shoot out of the kitchen area that I thought was the men’s room earlier, balancing trays in a synchronised speedwalk. Are those my enchiladas?  They certainly look like my enchiladas. 

“Guys, the food is–” I say to my family, preparing them.

I neatly stack our dirty appetiser plates atop what’s left of the sampler platter and scoot them towards the edge of the table, being helpful as shit. I’ve shockingly never actually been a waiter before, but I’ve eaten at a lot of restaurants and seem to have the intuitive instincts that most waiters, the astute ones anyhow, often appreciate in various degrees of furtive acknowledgement.

“Sir, be careful, this plate is really hot.” 

I size the guy up with jocular curiosity, making the business decision not to say anything, only due to the lack of jocular curiosity on the rest of my family members’ faces. Can you fucking believe this guy, though? Like, yeah, ok, maybe in the pink doughy hands of a teenage virgin the plate needs to be held with a fabric napkin, but I’m pretty sure my fully-formed adult hands can handle the plate of enchiladas that I fucking paid for! 

Hmm, no one else’s plate appears to be too hot to touch, so I guess he’s making this personal. It just kind of seems like a weird flex from somebody who presumably wants a tip. I guess he can touch the plate because he’s a “professional”. What a hero, this guy, warning idiotic patrons like myself not to get too handsy with the porcelain. I was planning on eating these enchiladas pie-eating contest style before this good samaritan came along to tell me not to get too close to the plate they brought out to me, which just so happens to have my dinner on it.

My family’s already started eating, expecting me to forget all about this and just “follow orders”.   

But I have to touch the plate now because this bozo biffed the landing. The plate placement is all fucked up. He rushed it because his little fingies were getting too warm, and now it’s practically in the middle of the table. But don’t worry, I’ll fix it. 

OH MY FUCK, are they trying to kill me!? You can’t bring out plates this hot! What the hell is wrong with this kid?

Stupid Piece of Shit Band Only Able To Muster One Global Chart-Topping Hit

Posted on by Doug Kolic

TAMPA, Fla. — Local piece of shit band The Fallen Embers were unabashedly ashamed after only ever creating one global chart-topping hit that brought joy to millions, according to ex-fans who wished them dead.

“I never thought people would turn on us just because we couldn’t catch lightning in a bottle a second time,” lamented lead singer Beckett Tucker. “We were thrilled last year when our old high school invited us back to dedicate the music room in our name, until we realized it was just a setup to ambush us and tell us how embarrassed they were to be associated with our band. Sure, maybe I get why they wouldn’t want to be linked to a one‑hit wonder, but bringing in a priest to conduct an exorcism to cleanse the school of our ‘evil’ presence felt a little excessive.”

Longtime fan of the band Katie Perez explained how stupid she felt supporting them.

“Man, their song ‘Lovesick Mojito’ was basically the anthem of my life! It was the song I lost my virginity to, my wedding song, and even the tune I chose at our Pop-Pop’s funeral,” said the inconsolable Perez. “But it’s been over 15 years and they haven’t even been close to producing anything else as impactful as that. Everyone knows I was their biggest fan so now I look like a total loser. If I had the power to go back in time for any reason, I’d let baby Hitler live and take out those motherfuckers instead.”

Music expert John Finkelstein described that for many bands having a huge hit is a double-edged sword.

“It’s a bit of a poisoned chalice,” Finkelstein articulated. “Producing a hit song that crosses genres and borders can be financially lucrative, but the pressure to recreate that success can be too much of a burden for many bands to bear. That’s why so many of them actually consciously try to create songs that will never be considered great, so that they don’t have to deal with the pressure of following up a classic. At least that’s what I’m assuming the case is with groups like Imagine Dragons.”

At press time, there was a growing public movement to also call out one-hit wonders in other industries, like Alexander Fleming for peaking with penicillin, and Neil Armstrong for doing jack shit after walking on the moon.

This Is Not a Time for Jokes — Guest Post by Chuck Norris

Posted on by Dan Rice

Hello internet. This is martial artist Chuck Norris. You know me from films such as The Delta Force, Invasion USA, and my recent demise. Many of you have expressed sorrow over my passing and have had kind words to say about my career and overall cultural impact, and for that, I thank you. But apparently, some of you internet yahoos are taking my death as an opportunity to crack wise, and I don’t much appreciate it. 

It’s not that I don’t enjoy comedy. When I was on the set of Missing in Action 2: The Beginning, a grip hit me with “Take my wife, please!” and I laughed so hard a mountain fell down. But comedy has its time and place. I just think that my death is a somber occasion, and that humor at this particular time would be inappropriate. And if you disagree, you and I are gonna have some words. Some fist words. 

Comments like “Death better watch its back,” “Chuck decided to give God a piece of his mind,” and “Chuck Norris does not die, he merely waits” are simply not in good taste at this time. To quote a great man, you have the right to remain silent, so shut the hell up! That man was me in the 1985 picture Code of Silence. 

Death is a very serious matter, and I really must insist that the proper decorum is observed. If it’s not, so help me, I will get right up off this slab and start mopping the floor with you clowns. To anyone who thinks this is the right time to bust out your favorite Chuck Norris joke, I’ll tell you the same thing I told that mortician who tried to put make-up on me — stand down, or get knocked down. 

Here’s how this is gonna go down: I’m gonna lie in this here casket, and you are going to mourn. You will be sad, you will be somber, and you will be respectful. Any deviation from this will result in an immediate roundhouse kick to the face. 

You think I’m messing around? Go ahead, test me. Hit send on that ‘Walker told me, I have AIDS’ gif. See what happens. Give me a god damn reason, punk.

Oh, You’re an As I Lay Dying Fan? Name Three Anabolic Steroids

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

Hey, you with the As I Lay Dying t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and swelled-up ankles. You’re a metalcore fan, huh? Well, true fans of AILD know their best songs are the ones with only Tim screaming, like “94 Hours” and “Bury Us All.” That clean vocal shit is for pussies, bruh! Real metal doesn’t have singing! You can’t ego-lift and performatively grunt at the gym with some cringe melody in your ear.

Anyhow, if you’re such a fan of AILD, then name three anabolic steroids. Go ahead. I’ll wait while you go to the bathroom to find an injection site in your ass cheek. No judgment, by the way. Look, I get what it’s like to suffer from the horrors of muscle dysmorphia. Horrors like looking at your reflection in the mirror and seeing oily, acne-riddled skin and wondering if it’s all worth it. It is, and you know that because your disturbingly vascular arms in that cut-off shirt scream, “Yes!” every time.

So, how about naming those three anabolic steroids for me while I flex for ya.

Testosterone enanthate? I guess that’s technically a steroid, but you’ll never get swole as fuck using that alone. If you’re not taking real gear, how are you gonna change into a perpetually abusive roid-rage psycho that flips tables and punches walls at the slightest inconvenience?

Dianabol? Hmm. You know D-Bol is an oral steroid, right? If you don’t use a needle for your gear, it’s soyboy shit, bruh! There’s no danger of stabbing yourself with D-Bol. Part of the appeal of roids is struggling to steady your shaky hand while you try to shoot up. If you’re lookin’ to damage your liver orally, alcohol abuse is a cheaper and easier option, anyway.

Testosterone cypionate? Now there we go. It’s only for men, so ya know that’s the true shit. Only a real man would risk the chance of having a blood-clotting issue just to get his pump on to hit that PR. Real lifters — real men — risk their lives over important stuff like getting peeled and ripped. Getting mirin’ from other serious lifters is all that matters, brosef.

Hey, since we’re talking steroids, do ya got any of those single-use syringes left?

Anteaters Have Other Interests, Not That You Give a Shit

Posted on by Samuel Abraham

SAN DIEGO — Conclusive findings emerging from multiple long-term observational studies have shed new light on the habits of anteaters, showing that they actually have a vast array of other interests and peculiarities, not that any of you give a shit.

“Yeah, I mean, they just call us ‘anteaters,’ so what do you expect? People develop an expectation of your role and hate to see anything that differs from that expectation,” began an anteater at the San Diego Zoo. “None of these slack-jawed assholes that stare at me all day could be compelled to acknowledge that I’ve been developing my knowledge of diasporic literature, I have a bit of a stamp collection going, I find shiny lights fascinating, I still miss my childhood best friends and hate that we fell out of touch, and I also eat things other than ants, too. Not that anyone fucking cares.”  

Patrons of the zoo were quick to confirm the anteater’s suspicions about the public not giving a country-fried fuck about any of the newly discovered idiosyncrasies.

“Look, dude, I don’t care if they learned to type Shakespeare, I’m just here to see some fucking anteaters eatin’ some fucking ants,” zoo attendee Zack Branfield remarked. “I wanna see the thing I came to see do the thing it does. You think I give a fuck if a woodpecker does anything other than peck wood? You think I wanna see a flying fish swimming? Grow up.”

Natural historian Greta Stanwick was quick to support the recent studies and anteaters as a whole in spite of nobody giving two shits from a rat’s ass about anything that she or really any living thing had to say on the matter.

“I immediately encouraged zoos to plaster their display walls with these astonishing new findings, but they didn’t seem to care, either,” said a resigned Stanwick. “Unfortunately, even despite a mountain of exciting new evidence with implications that could completely upend our understanding of the natural world and the vivid lives of all creatures within it, people really just don’t give a single flying fuck in the night sky about any of this. God damn, I can only imagine how the poor dung beetle feels.”

At press time, the anteater pointed out that he preferred to just be called Gary to avoid being pigeonholed.

Early Signs Indicate Child Not a Badass

Posted on by John Danek

BUTLER, Pa. — All early signs are revealing that new human being Emery Lloyd is not a badass in any capacity, his disappointed family reported.

“It’s brutal to watch- he freezes and cries at the top of slides no matter how small they are,” admitted Emery’s disappointed father Marcello Lloyd, who is considered by many to be a badass due to his impressive motorcycle collection and aptitude for skydiving. “Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse when Emery hid behind the couch from his sister Bella’s Lego Bowser. I can’t have a kid afraid of his own shadow crying to ‘The Lion King’ in school in front of his classmates. I gotta teach him to laugh at Mufasa’s death just like I did.”

Emery’s mother Bianca Lloyd confessed that her original plans to raise their children in an open, emotionally vulnerable environment is being challenged.

“I want to raise my kids exactly the opposite of how my cruel Boomer parents raised me, but Jesus Christ kid- you gotta give me something to work with here,” said the frustrated mother of three, who recently had to pick Emery up from daycare when another child’s sneeze frightened him awake from a nap. “I read up on all the new progressive, modern methods of child-rearing like encouraging your children to feel their feelings. But at a certain point, the crying is so pathetic as to become annoying. So recently I’ve fallen on my parents’ methods of telling him a scary clown will move in under his bed if he doesn’t shut up. It unfortunately works.”

Childhood psychologists are actively researching methods and tweaking recommendations for raising a namby-pamby, weakling of a child.

“It’s a topic we don’t commonly discuss, but some kids are just pitiable wimps, and that presents unique challenges to parents,” said Dr. Minerva Reza, founder of Pittsburgh’s Child Psych Institute. “While we think that the wimp trait is genetic, it can often be mitigated with training, such as frequent exposure to horror movies and sleepovers at the bad kid’s house down the street. While child wimps sometimes grow out of it, they often grow up to become bootlicking Republicans or people who call 911 on the homeless.”

As of press time, Emery’s parents have begrudgingly confirmed that the child has finally spoken his first word: “scared.”

Great Deal! $6,800 Modular Synthesizer Comes With 20 Patch Cables and a Divorce From Your Wife!

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Are you a man in your forties with a fine arts degree and a medium-to-high-level paying job? If so, you’re in luck! The Quadraphonic Eurorack AB-145 Modular Plüs is now widely available at your nearest modular synth and boutique pedal trade expo. And with a market sale price under $7,000, you truly have nothing to lose! Except for your wife, of course.  

The QEAB-145MP is not only ideal for professionals, but also beginners and even those who are completely uninterested in meticulous sound design, but find themselves trapped in a loveless marriage. Approximately no expertise is needed to operate the unit, and you will instantly be recognized as a professional experimental electronic composer by simply owning the device! Truly, all that is needed is extreme financial flexibility and a decent amount of space for the 7 ft tall, 900 lb Eurorack. Please note, if you are concerned about a lack of space for the unit, remember,  your wife will be leaving you, which should free up a considerable amount of real estate in your home and, depending on your situation, could produce entire empty rooms at your disposal! 

But how does the unit work? No one really fucking knows! Just plug the ¼’’ patch cables into any of the available ports while indiscriminately twisting knobs until your hands get tired. And with the built-in sequencer, you really don’t have to touch the unit at all! Just let the pulsing, chattering waveforms fill your partially empty home in an infinite loop to help block out any unwanted thoughts or feelings. The QEAB-145MP offers over 100 different oscillators, filters, amplifiers, and envelopes to boot, allowing you to be so fully lost and entranced in your handcrafted bleepy bloop world that you’ll hardly notice your wife forlornly leaving her wedding ring on the kitchen table. With her out of the way, you’ll be able to craft endless A24 film scores and, for a limited time, if you use promo code BAFTA26 during checkout, you’ll automatically receive a BAFTA nomination for your work!

The unit includes a two-year warranty and free installation if you’re willing to let our service technician crash with you for a while. Please be advised that, on the off-chance your wife decides not to leave, you will be eligible to receive up to 5 additional patch cables at no extra cost to you (restrictions apply)!

Fan of Streamer Ready To Take Parasocial Relationship To Next Level

Posted on by Tim Graham

HOLDEN, Mass. — A local fan of popular online personality SpaghettiBurger says she’s prepared to advance her fandom to a more serious level, sources confirm.

“I’m SpaghettiBurger’s biggest fan,” stated Rebecca Flynn, covered head-to-toe in SpaghettiBurger swag. “I watch him for hours every day. I go to sleep with his voice in my earbuds. Obviously, I’m just one of his millions of followers, but I really think he and I would have something special if we were to meet. Sometimes I swear he winks after he reads one of my comments, and I’m pretty sure it’s a signal just for me saying, ‘You’re not like these other slobs in chat, you’re special.’”

Flynn’s mother says while she is a bit concerned over her daughter’s preoccupation with the entertainer, she also knows what it’s like to have a fixation on a celebrity.

“Young women have always developed crushes on celebrities. I had it pretty bad for Joey Fatone from NSYNC when I was younger,” mused Janet Flynn. “I covered my entire room with pictures of Joey that I tore out of teen magazines. This is embarrassing, but one time I actually found out what hotel NSYNC were staying at when they were on tour, and I managed to get into Joey’s room to wait for him. You should’ve seen his face when he came back to find me on his bed with a bottle of vodka and a pair of handcuffs!”

Mark Deitch, the man behind SpaghettiBurger, says he makes a very good living from his fans’ unhealthy attachment.

“I’m super grateful for my millions of fans, the vast majority of which are totally chill. They’re the reason I can afford this lifestyle,” said the streamer from his Malibu beachfront mansion. “Some of them do take it a little too far, though. I’ve cultivated a maniacally dedicated fanbase by appearing to be relatable and approachable, but that doesn’t mean I actually want to be approached. I had to bring on a full-time security team to keep the real nutters away. Just last week they caught a young woman dressed in a full ghillie suit creeping through my topiary garden.”

At press time, Flynn had purchased tickets for a meet and greet with SpaghettiBurger at the next TwitchCon, with plans to surreptitiously clip a lock of his hair to use in a love spell she saw on Reddit.

Fox News Reports the Strait of Hormuz Is Blocked by Trans Swimmers

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — American multinational conservative news channel Fox News has reported that the Strait of Hormuz, the oil trading artery linking the Persian Gulf with the Arabian Sea, which has become increasingly volatile since America’s attack on Iran, is actually blocked because of thousands of trans swimmers, sources report.

“This is yet another attack on our American values by the Radical Left,” presenter Laura Ingraham said on her popular program The Ingraham Angle. “It apparently wasn’t enough for trans swimmers to enter competitions with the sole purpose of stealing medals rightfully earned by heroes like Riley Gaines, but they now have to travel halfway around the globe and disrupt the entire world’s oil supply by swimming in the Strait of Hormuz. There’s obviously no low these people aren’t willing to sink, or in this case, swim to, to try and make President Trump look bad, and now we’re all going to be punished at the pump because of it.”

U.S. President Donald Trump echoed Ingraham’s sentiment in a Truth Social post shortly after her segment had aired.

“Wow! Laura Ingraham, a Great and Brilliant American, has just exposed the TRUTH regarding the Strait of Hormuz!!!” Trump posted. “Apparently, the WOKE and RADICAL policies of the Biden Administration (I called it the ‘Broken Administration!’) that America is still reeling from have resulted in trans swimmers going over there and blocking it, which has NOTHING TO DO with the OPERATION EPIC FURY that was a COMPLETE SUCCESS even though we have MUCH MORE WORK TO DO! Now more than ever, our NATO ‘Allies’ need to get involved to make sure we can get oil through, even though we no longer ‘need’ or ‘desire’ their assistance. WE NEVER DID!!!”

Fox News viewer Dave Irwin reacted to the story.

“I knew it was a big deal that the Strait of Hormuz was blocked, but it makes sense that it’s because of trans athletes,” Irwin noted. “There’s no way Trump would do anything stupid that would increase oil prices. He’s way too smart for that. Leave it to the Demon-crats to find yet another way to make us pay more for gas. I’m just glad we can rest easy knowing that our President definitely knows what he’s doing, and will easily figure out a way to fix the situation.”

At press time, Ingraham was speculating that all of the trans swimmers may also be illegal immigrants.