LEHI, Utah — Trove Brands, the exclusive drinkware brand behind Owala, announced a new bottle designed specifically for parents to drink booze during their children’s incredibly boring events, confirmed sources.
“There was a hole in the recital and little league alcohol consumption market, and we really needed to do something about this,” said Michael Sorenson, CEO of Trove Brands. “We just needed something to put beer, wine, or Mike’s Hard Lemonade in when I have to go to my daughter’s choir concert. I love my daughter, don’t get me wrong, she’s my world, but she doesn’t even have a solo. She’s just up there singing in a group of kids I don’t really give a shit about. What a snoozefest. It’s five o’clock somewhere and that somewhere is the elementary school auditorium.”
A spokesperson for Owala said the special display will be in between Jack Daniels and Barefoot Contessa.
“My son just started kid-pitch baseball, and he can’t throw or hit a slider for shit,” slurred mom influencer Cindy Bauchmann, who has over 750,000 followers on Instagram. “I would do and will do anything for my son, but I’d preferably like to do it a little buzzed. If I can have a few at a youth baseball game, why can’t I discreetly drink a 32 ounce bottle of Pinot Grigio when my son and his friends walk and/or hit every batter they face?”
Stephanie Carsons, the Associate Director of the Institute of Child Development for the University of Minnesota’s famed Child Psychology Center, praised Owala for giving something back to parents who support their children.
“Showing up is the name of the game. Your blood alcohol levels are irrelevant,” said Carsons. “We all know the things our kids do are really, really boring. Hell, my kid is playing soccer right now. Soccer. I live in Minnesota. You do the math on that. It fucking sucks. If I’m sitting out there supporting the K-Pop Demon Hunter Kickerz or whatever name they chose, it’s important for kids at that age to have some decision-making autonomy. I’m absolutely going to be doing it with a 64 ounce ice-cold gin and tonic in my Boozala. Cheers.”
At press time, Trove Brands announced that they will also be manufacturing a bottle for alcohol consumption specifically at boring office jobs.
