UNDISCLOSED — A secret job opening for an entry level position in the Illuminati posted today requires a minimum of 3-5 years prior experience working in a secret society, according to close, mysterious sources.
“It’s total bullshit. To join my first secret society, I have to already have experience in another secret society? It’s already fuckin’ impossible to find these positions in the first place, on account of all the societies being so secret,” said an anonymous source, who wishes to apply for the position at the secret organization that controls all media throughout the world. “Back in my parents’ day, you could just get a job at any old secret society right out of high school. Now? You need to go to college and get a higher degree, just to even be considered for a starter secret society position and get your foot in the door.”
“Also, please don’t reveal my name, or else I’m gonna have to take this cyanide pill,” the anonymous source added.
Representatives from the Illuminati defended the requirement, stating that the change simply reflects the current era. The request for additional experience is reportedly an attempt to ensure only the most qualified applicants join the notoriously powerful cult.
“You have to remember: when you get a position in the Illuminati, it’s for life — we literally sign the deal in blood. So we can’t fuck around with someone who has a decent resume, but turns out to barely know how to manipulate a local government from the shadows,” said an Illuminati spokesperson who wishes to remain anonymous, after adjusting the “Best Rap Album” Grammy on a shelf that he or she received for the 1999 album Vol. 2… Hard Knock Life.
At press time, the open position was removed after being filled by internal candidate Miley Cyrus.
Photo by Kat Chish.