ROCHESTER, Minn. — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic concluded that hearing Blondie’s 1978 hit “One Way or Another” is still the best indicator that you are involved in a PG-rated movie chase scene, sources report.
“Our findings indicate that hearing those opening power chords is still the best way to surmise whether a movie chase is about to happen,” head researcher Amrita Bhattacharya noted. “This could be due to a building security guard catching some rad teens rollerblading where they’re not supposed to, or a scatterbrained middle school principal happening upon his coolest student while he’s skipping class. While preventative measures are still being researched, affected individuals can avoid being prominently displayed in these chases by appearing to be as cool as possible, as we all know that stodgy, out-of-touch adults are the most susceptible.”
Unwilling chase participant Gerard Bunnell reflected on the findings.
“I’ve been involved in quite a few PG-rated movie chase scenes, and this definitely makes sense,” said Bunnell. “Whether I’ve just put on my horn-rimmed glasses and sat down on a park bench to read a boring newspaper or am driving my 1985 Pontiac Bonneville to my nerdy finance job, when I start to hear ‘One Way or Another,’ I know I’m about to either have my newspaper fly out of my hands due to the rush of a teenager whizzing by with a bully he just pantsed hot on his trail, or have to stop my car suddenly while some helmeted kid on a skateboard ollies onto my car and does a sick kickflip off of it. I just wish there was a way to make myself cooler so I could avoid these situations entirely.”
Music and film expert Baoli Lee elaborated further on the report.
“These are exciting findings,” Lee provided. “The researchers have done monumental work in linking ‘One Way or Another’ to situations that thousands of people find themselves in every day. I’d like to piggyback on Dr. Bhattacharya’s advice by recommending that targeted individuals try strategies like carrying a skateboard everywhere they go or getting Lasik surgery, because cool people are statistically 63% less likely to have their briefcases opened and papers fly everywhere because they got caught up in one of these chases.”
At press time, Bhattacharya had also discovered that hearing “Bad to the Bone” is a leading indicator that you’re about to be confronted by a Harley-riding bad boy.
