BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — A new study from California State University, Bakersfield found that aggressively and methodically punching the air within five yards of your local park’s swing set is still the most effective way to combat personal demons that the average human couldn’t even picture, let alone summarily defeat in a community space.
“Our team observed subjects facing a variety of personal demons, such as unemployment, divorce, estrangement from children, unrequited love, uncertain sexuality, unfulfilled fantasies based on anime plotlines, and other sources of discontent that your sheltered, coddled asses probably haven’t even heard of,” said the study’s lead researcher, Erica Peed. “The subjects were exposed to new, cutting-edge psychotherapies, as well as the traditional treatment that is shadowboxing in broad daylight next to the jungle gym at a local park. Ten times out of ten, shadowboxing in broad daylight next to the jungle gym at a local park resulted in happier, more well-adjusted subjects.”
Marvin Anziano, one of the study’s participants, spoke about how memories of his childhood dentist’s office repeatedly forgetting his birthday used to cause angry outbursts directed toward his two cats.
“I used to frequently make loud noises in my apartment, causing Cornelius and Reptar to retreat to the safety of their cat tree,” Anziano said. “But that was before I learned about fistfighting invisible opponents at my neighborhood park. All I have to do is grab a really old sweatband and a gym bag that’s way too big, walk to the park, and start punching! Once I’m sweaty enough that local parents think there’s something clinically wrong with me, I’m ready to pack it up and head home. I no longer have the desire to scream obscenities at my cats, and they no longer tremble in my presence!”
But not everyone is happy about the progress made by men like Anziano.
“I don’t know what this guy’s deal is,” said local parent Wilson McKinney. “I’m just trying to have a nice day at the playground with my kids, but there’s always some Rocky-wannabe grunting and punching and sweating profusely, like that weird Papa John’s interview. I’d take my kids to the other side of the park, but that’s where the high school kids have their whippet seshes, and I do not wanna piss them off. Part of me thinks he’s waiting for a challenger, a rival! Well it ain’t gonna be me — I’m in head-to-toe Vineyard Vines, chief. These ain’t fighting clothes. Now, maybe I can convince him to come to my dojo, under the supervision of my sensei. Then maybe I’ll take him down a notch!”
At press time, Anziano’s heated moment of personal growth was presenting a significant obstacle for two second graders playing Tag.
