WASHINGTON — Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that he has patented denim condoms, confirmed sources who haven’t touched seed oil ever since they saw a TikTok about it.
“We all know latex condoms are a mere 98% effective and will give you melanoma if you aren’t careful. Thankfully, I’ve come up with a jean-based sheath that is 98.1% effective against neurological diseases that are typically transferred during sex. But anyway, use the code ‘MAHAFIT’ at checkout for 40% off your order,” said Kennedy. “I’m coming up with so many inventions that have never been thought of before. Polio-Free Ice Cream. AIDs-Free Poppers. Vaccines that will give you a high IQ. Pesticides that won’t make your kids transgender. You call it a phantasm, I call it a market.”
The patent office had just about enough of Kennedy’s crackpot ideas.
“There’s times where I’ll reply to him with debunked 1900s propaganda and he’ll reply ‘See!’ as if I’m encouraging him,” said Greg Manswagon, a clearly exhausted patent office clerk. “To understand this man’s patents, you’ll have to expect long debunked science coming from a neo nazi crack bunker with zero peer revision. I did entertain his WiFi Cancer Net idea, but this was mostly because I felt bad for him. I mean, he pitched his idea while doing pushups at the front desk. What a loser.”
Kennedy supporters, such as Bradlor Crumpton, couldn’t wait to start having sex with Levi’s material.
“I’m not ashamed to say I’m a patriot who has came his jeans more than I’ll ever come in a rubber, with human women coming in at a close 10th thing. Plus, I saw a video about how regular condoms can give you chlamydia. That must be how I got it, even though I’ve never used one,” declared Crumpton.“I bet Jesus never wore Trojan latex condoms, but he definitely slipped some stonewashed denim on his blue collar dong to not have more kids who won’t talk to him. Just like me.”
At time of press, Kennedy suddenly had an idea of a corduroy-based diaphragm for women.
