Opinion: I Hate 311 for Making Me Like 311

Posted on by Eric Navarro

I hate 311. They are my nemesis. Why, you ask? Because they committed the worst crime of all. Something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. They made me like 311.

Not even Nickelback would stoop so low.

Let me walk something back. I don’t like 311. I LOVE 311. I have loved 311 since I was a small child and heard the sweet sounds of slap bass, reggae grooves, and, of course, rap/rock vocals. And ever since I’ve been ridiculed mercilessly every time I admit any of that. I love 311. And, therefore, I hate myself.

More-so, I hate them. Do you think the members of 311 have any idea what it’s like to admit to liking 311? Of course they don’t! Why would they? They listen to good music. Just look at their stated influences: The Clash, Bad Brains, Helmet, Led Zeppelin. They have great taste! It’s even incorporated into their music, which is such an insidious way to lure in innocent victims like myself.

How could this have happened? I spent my whole adolescence hating meathead jocks and spoiled cheerleaders, and that’s their whole fan-base! Being associated with a bunch of jeep-driving, tribal tattoo-having, post-college bros is embarrassing. Try admitting you like 311 in public. Juggalos will laugh at you. Yet every time I go to a 311 show, these trad-life jocks welcome me with open arms and potent weed! Why can’t they be the assholes I wish they were?!

I’m not here to debate if 311 rules. 311 rules. That’s a fact. I’m here to plead with the puppet-masters, themselves. So to Nick, Chad, Tim, Doug, and Aaron (that’s right, I’m real-naming you, P-nut), please, for the sake of all your fans: Please stop making us like you.

Please stop consistently cranking out timeless, summer jams perfect for outdoor amphitheater shows and conveniently scheduled for a late Spring release. Please stop promoting progressive political and social views years before it was trendy. All you’re doing is making it harder for regular people to walk around and live their lives without having to admit, even if it’s only to themselves, that they are a 311 fan. So many already have to bear this burden. Please, do us right. Don’t let us down.

Chance the Rapper Announces Collaboration With Cousin Community Chest the Rapper

Posted on by Bobby Korec

CHICAGO — Hip hop artist and aspiring real estate tycoon Chancelor Johnathan Bennett, known professionally as Chance the Rapper, plans to collaborate next with his less successful cousin Community Chest the Rapper, sources reported.

“I’ve wanted to work with my ‘cuz ever since I bailed him out of jail for free,” said Bennett while walking his Scottish Terrier down a strip of Ventnor Avenue he recently purchased. “I would’ve done it sooner, but I’ve been so busy scooping up and developing property all over town. It’s like, the more money I acquire, the more houses I want to build. It’s kind of addicting. I’m even thinking about putting up a hotel or two while I’m at it. Anyway, I’m pretty stoked to work with Chest on a new track, even though it probably won’t happen until after I close on my dream property on the Boardwalk.”

Community Chest the Rapper, more colloquially known to co-workers as Chase Bennett, was pleasantly surprised by the collaboration

“He’s been giving me the runaround for years,” said Community Chest the Rapper from his rented apartment. “However, I’ve recently come into some unexpected cash, so I’m not totally dependent on those soon-to-be royalties anyway. Just yesterday I won a cash prize for coming in second place in a beauty contest, and later that same day, something known as a ‘bank error in my favor’ led to an extra $200 in my pocket. I mean, I’m still broke as shit and can’t afford property regardless — it feels like only a matter of time before I get absolutely crushed by the few who own everything in this unfettered capitalistic system.”

Experts have long documented the importance of family in hip hop.

“Collaborations with family members are surprisingly very popular in this genre,” said music historian Rachel Spienstra. “For instance, did you know that like a third of the Wu-Tang Clan are actually cousins? It’s true. Wu-Tang is extremely family-oriented. And they’re always looking to recruit new members at large Thanksgiving gatherings. Pretty honorable of them.”

At press time, Community Chest the Rapper had to cancel plans to record their new track last minute after being unable to land free parking near the studio.

We Ranked the Top 5 Weed Strains for Playing One Match of Rocket League and Going to Bed

Posted on by Andy Holt

Getting high and playing video games can be a lot of fun, but you want to make sure you combine the right strain with the right game. Here’s our ranking of the top five weed strains for just playing one match of Rocket League and then realizing you’re tired so you go to bed.

5 – Purple Punch

A mix of two classic strains, Larry OG and Grandaddy Purple, this tart indica will slow your reflexes to a standstill—giving you the perfect excuse for why you got absolutely owned in a single match of comp duo. Take one more hit and go to bed by 10:30. You’re washed.

4 – Bubba Kush

With a perfect mix of muscle relaxation and euphoria, this legendary strain delivers—unlike you when your teammates need you most. With tasting notes of chocolate and coffee on the exhale, you’ll feel tranquility throughout your body, giving up on the match with a couple minutes to go. There are still some Reese’s in the freezer and then it’s off to sleep.

3 – Granddaddy Purple

A quick-growing medicinal strain, Granddaddy Purple is a common choice to fight pain, stress, insomnia, appetite loss, and muscle spasms. But it’s no treatment for your total lack of commitment to League. Your default-car-using ass will get laughed off the pitch as usual, and while you won’t be able to hear it, just know your teammates will be screaming at their televisions halfway across the world.

2 – Grape Ape

Developed more recently in a laboratory setting, this complex, fruity variety is a feat of technical mastery, like those gorgeous aerials your opponents do over your head while you drive around looking for boost. Not that you’d know what to do with the boost anyway—you’ll whiff by the ball and land under the covers, out cold. You’ll need to rest up to do the same thing tomorrow.

1 – King Louis

Named for the French king who popularized wigs among men in Europe, King Louis is known for its piney taste and earthy smell. A little more energetic than the other indicas on this list, it’ll give you a little burst of giddiness when you luck into a goal in the first minute. Maybe I’m actually good at this game, you’ll think. Try to hold onto that feeling after your internet cuts out and you’re too high to reset your router. Tuck in with your phone on LTE, open up your ex’s Instagram page and call it a night. You’ve earned it.

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Cyberpunk 2077 Character Creator Lets You Choose Which Movies Your Avatar Thinks are Overrated

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — The latest level of detail available in the character creation suite of CD Projekt Red’s upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 has been revealed; the ability to choose which well received films your player will think are overrated.

“This is truly the level of immersion and customization we’ve always dreamed of bringing to our games,” said Marcin Iwiński, co-founder and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “In addition to hair, teeth, and genitals, we think a defining characteristic of a person can really be whether or not they light up when they get the chance to point out that they didn’t like Uncut Gems as much as everybody else did.” 

The game, originally announced eight years ago, has experienced many delays and rescheduled release dates, largely due to the unprecedented levels of character customization allowed in the title. 

“When you see your character run across the dystopian street in 60fps at 4k resolution to engage in an in depth conversation with an NPC that is praising Fight Club, I think you’ll agree that all of the delays have been worth it,” Iwiński added. 

Despite this groundbreaking level of innovation, many gamers have said they would gladly exchange some of the more in depth features for an earlier release date. 

“Ok, cool, I like messing around in character creators as much as the next person,” said Edwin Howe, a gamer who is eagerly awaiting Cyberpunk 2077 and used a vacation day on its previously confirmed release date of November 21st. “But I’m not really interested in what Brian De Palma films I want my character to think are due for a cultural reassessment, I just want to, like, play it. When can I play it?” 

Cyberpunk 2077 is set to release on December 10th, with an expected day one patch that introduces sliders allowing you to choose exactly how much your character would like to argue about The Last Jedi.

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Local Woman Moves ‘Trump Supporter’ Ahead of ‘Christian’ and ‘Mother’ in Twitter Bio

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

HINSDALE, Ill. — Twitter user Shannon Nichols updated her profile bio today, moving “Trump Supporter” ahead of her other chosen descriptors of “Christian, Mother, Entrepreneur, Police Wife, Unapologetically Straight & White,” confirmed family members who muted her long ago.

“Do I love Trump more than Jesus? At this moment, yes, I do. I know that Jesus understands why I put Trump first. Jesus would have put Trump in his Twitter bio if he were alive today,” Nichols said to anyone who would listen. “My 15 followers need to know this election was stolen from him and that I’m doing my part to keep America great. Sure, I have my bumper stickers, lawn signs, flags, T-shirts, sweatpants, table cloth, hat, and framed photos of Trump to show my unflinching support, but thanks to China unleashing COVID on us, nobody can see those things. Twitter bios are a sacred place, and I want to make sure Trump is well displayed in mine.”

Nichols’ family has not let this change in her profile go unnoticed.

“I check in on my mom’s Twitter feed a few times a month so she doesn’t realize I blocked her,” Nichols’ daughter Arwyn said without looking up from her phone. “Her priorities have definitely been shifting as the election gets closer. And as the ‘mother’ label slips further and further down her list, I wish I could say it doesn’t hurt. Then again, we haven’t spoken since I put #AOC in my bio.”

Social media expert Antoinette Tate is very familiar with the importance of ranking one’s identity in a bio.

“Particularly with those who are politically active, they make it a point to announce their affiliation, as if that is the most important part of their identity — and also, I believe, to invite people who disagree with them to engage on the platform,” Tate explained while deleting her own Twitter account. “While it was once a place to playfully state your Hogwarts’ school or preferred video game console, now it’s more important than your professional resumé. This is like a high-stakes Myspace Top 8.”

Nichols has since added even more American flag emojis to her bio, just in case people don’t get that she “loves America.”

Metalhead at Torture Museum Googling Every Contraption to See if It’s Already a Band Name

Posted on by Henrik Persson

AMSTERDAM — Belgian metalhead Joost Lambert spent nearly four hours in the Museum of Torture yesterday looking up every item on display to see if any bands were already named after them, perplexed museum staff confirmed.

“I play lead guitar in a killer new band, but we’re really struggling to find a badass band name that conveys a message of, ‘We will kill you, painfully and slowly,’” said Lambert while recharging his depleted Android. “I’ve tried the usual tricks: borrowing books about wars, reading Lovecraft, and just browsing bad horror movies, but so far, nothing. Turns out most of these are already claimed in the Encyclopaedia Metallum, too. I can’t believe Breast Ripper was taken!”

Museum staff found Lambert’s behavior not only confusing, but distracting to other patrons.

“We get our share of weirdos in here, as you can imagine. But this guy is special. First, I thought he was just very into it and wanted to read more about each item online — he got really excited about The Judas Cradle, and then swore and walked away,” museum guide Pelle Jansen said while waiting for Lambert to finish. “There are children here trying to learn about these instruments of death; it’s no place for foul language. Plus, he breezed past some of the major attractions, like the Iron Maiden. I feel like this guy’s really missing out on the best parts of the museum.”

Metal historian Francesca Green is familiar with the naming problems facing many new metal bands today.

“Writing, recording, and producing a killer album used to be the hard part, but today, that’s just the beginning. The real hard work begins when it’s time to come up with a band name that isn’t lame as fuck. Over the last 10 years, we’ve seen a sharp increase in the number of bands that don’t make it past the demo stage, simply because there are no evil-sounding names available,” said Green. “A lot of bands resort to randomized names: they write down a dozen nouns on pieces of paper — preferably body parts — then a dozen more with evil-sounding verbs.
Then they just draw one of each and put them together. It’s how you get band names like Abdomen Defenestration.”

Lambert was last seen on his way home to a Zoom rehearsal with his band, tentatively named “Gift Shop in Basement.”

Lunch Worth More Than Hour of Labor

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more than an hour of his labor, unsurprised courses confirmed.

“My normal Bacon 3 Cheesteak sub went up to $7.75 — that’s higher than New Hampshire minimum wage, and I don’t even get cheesy fries or a drink. I could get a smaller sandwich, but this is really gonna be the only thing I eat today, because I’m going straight to my second job from here and I won’t be able to eat dinner,” recounted Bennequist, still wearing his misspelled name tag. “My friends say I should make food at home, but going to the grocery store is like spending a day and a half’s pay all at once. Sometimes Newbury Comics or Spencer Gifts will throw out those edible gummy dicks; I could eat those for breakfast and hope that’s enough to keep me from passing out.”

Across the country, food prices continue to rise while wages stagnate at dirt-ass levels — an issue echoed at the management level as well.

“If I raise his pay, he’ll just want fancier things, like bigger sandwiches or health care,” complained Albert Schnell, Bennequist’s manager. “It’s not my problem whether or not my employees have the means to survive. They asked me to put snacks in the break room, but I ain’t running a charity — we’re a struggling, mom-and-pop Target, and we’re getting our asses handed to us by online retailers. He should be thankful we honor government-mandated breaks in the first place, but it’s not our job to make sure his belly is full. They want better wages, they can go get a job at the Piercing Pagoda.”

The rising cost of living has raised ethical questions about the treatment of the modern worker in capitalist America.

“It’s messed up that I’m worth more than the kid’s time,” explained the Bacon 3 Cheesteak. “I mean, I’m clearly not a gourmet meal — I’m mostly horsemeat and recycled light bulbs that were too toxic to go into a landfill. Frankly, more and more people can’t afford me and walk on by; I’m actually a three-week-old sandwich. That’s like, 107 in sandwich years. Maybe the system doesn’t work if Americans can’t afford to eat garbage.”

Bennequist later attempted to run to the bathroom, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and cash his $67 check all during his only 15-minute break of the day.

Poser Report: I Go To Shows All the Time if You Count Church

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Yeah dude, I love going to local shows! I go to at least one show a week, mostly on Sundays in the morning. Wait, we are counting church right?

Because if we aren’t counting church, then I’ve only actually been to like one show. There’s no reason not to though since church and local shows are basically the same thing. Some long-haired guy lectures the crowd for 40 minutes and then the band plays two or three songs. The only difference is that one has songs with lyrics about some vaguely violent subject matter ripped right out of the middle ages and the other is a DIY punk show.

Who needs shows anyways? Not me. Loud music? Swearing? Staying up past 9pm? No thank you! I’d much rather be in bed eating plain saltines and watching “God’s Not Dead” than trapped in a basement filled with young people who have tattoos and use… *gulp*… cannabis.

I only smoke one drug, and his name is Jesus.

I can’t understand why anyone would prefer a smelly basement over the megachurch I go to. Our stage has professional grade lighting and sound equipment and is nearly the size of a small football stadium. We’ve also got a swimming pool, gym, movie theater, arcade and a bouncy castle. What don’t we have? Sinning and taxes.

Church not your speed? Well you’re in luck because I’ll be hosting a youth bible study at the library on Saturday. We’ll start by reading a few passages, and then yours truly has a couple of original songs about a certain son of God that he’d like to share with the group.

If a righteous guy like me singing about the holy spirit in this increasingly secular world isn’t punk rock, then I don’t know what is.

Look, I understand that church might not seem very “fire” or “TikTok” or whatever term the kids are using these days. It’s not for everyone, and I respect your opinion not to attend. It’s morally wrong and just plain insensitive to force religion on people. All I’m saying is that everyone who doesn’t go to church every week will burn in hell for all eternity.

Sorry, I don’t make the rules!

Phish Fan Prefers 4-10-2009 Version of Wife Telling Him to Get a Fucking Life

Posted on by Ryan Werner

EFFINGHAM, N.H. — Phish devotee Pete Selner was told by his wife yet again last week to “get a fucking life,” which pales in comparison to previous verbal assaults over their 19-year relationship, particularly to the insult levied on April 10, 2009.

“I hear it all the time from her. It’s kind of a staple in the set,” said Selner. “This time was good, but the absolute best ever was the April ‘09 version — I remember I’d just done some whip-its and was settling into a super heady, prog-era show from ’89 on the front porch. She warmed up with a fairly standard, ‘Did you pay the water bill?’ and then, I don’t know if it was the shampoo in her hair or what, but that transition into ‘Get a fucking life’ just floored me.”

Even those outside of the Phish “phandom” know about the legend of that 4-10-2009 showing of contempt.

“I’ve lived next door to them for 15 years, and I don’t think I ever heard her sound like she did that day in April,” said neighbor Nadia Smykowski. “On the same note, I also don’t think I’ve gone a week without hearing him or one of his dirty buddies yell out, ‘Page side, rage side,’ on the front porch. What’s he call people like that? A wook? He’s a wook for sure. I think. I don’t know, man. I’m from Wisconsin — New England is weird.”

For Selner’s wife herself, it’s a memory less fond, and a dynamic less confusing.

“Oh, yeah… that one was pretty gnarly, unfortunately,” said Jamie Selner. “I had a four hour meeting at work about proofreading procedures, only to come home and find out mid-shower that Pete flaked on paying the water bill. Some people might argue that any of the times I’ve told Pete to go fuck himself sound exactly the same, but if you really listen, there are small, improvised differences. It’s nuanced, and each time is such a personal experience.”

Listeners also report Jamie’s most recent version of “I’m so glad we never had kids” sounded a little flat when compared to her premier performance at a Marriott in Providence, R.I. on 7-07-16.

Leprechaun Assures Wife That Mortal Kombat Is Going to Call Any Day Now

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

MAPLE GROVE, Minn. — The titular star of the Leprechaun series of films has reportedly been assuring his family that the developers of Mortal Kombat will be calling him to offer a contract any day now. 

“He really needs to get this silly Mortal Kombat idea out of his head,” said Ellen O’Shaughnessy, longtime wife of the Leprechaun and mother to his three children. “After those Hood sequels dried up, he did all the usual things you’d expect; conventions, appearances, Cameo. But lately he’s somehow convinced himself that he’s going to be joining the fighters in the new Mortal Kombat game, and I just don’t have the heart to tell him that it doesn’t really seem like their style. I wish he’d let this movie star thing go and just get a job at a car lot or something. He’s got children to feed!” 

Citing recent introductions of cinematic characters to the franchise including Robocop, Rambo, and a T-800 Terminator, the Leprechaun, who was famously portrayed by Warwick Davis in the series of Leprechaun films, has reportedly taken that to mean his inclusion is an inevitability. 

“At this point, we have no immediate plans to include the Leprechaun in any future DLC,” said Aisha Cobb, a representative from NetherRealm Studios. “While that doesn’t mean we won’t be including any more characters for future releases, we’re pretty sure Leprechaun is too small and would kind of screw up a lot of the matchups and animations and stuff like that. Maybe he could call the Brawlhalla people? They don’t give a fuck over there.”

When reached for comment, the Leprechaun from the Leprechaun movies was undeterred. 

“I know what will convince them to put me in their little game,” said the tiny creature. “A look at one of me shiny gold coins! And if that’s not enough to convince them, maybe a shillacking from my shillelagh will do the trick! I belong in Mortal Kombat 11 and you can’t change me mind!”

As of press time, NetherRealm Studios had announced the newest pack of fighters coming to Mortal Kombat 11, including Grogu, Chucky, and the kid from The Omen. 

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