Studio Executives Encourage ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Director to Take No Inspiration From Games

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures executives have reportedly encouraged Metal Gear Solid director Jordan Vogt-Roberts to feel free to go through the video game series he’s adapting and take no inspiration from it.

“So many people love the Metal Gear Solid series and we’re so excited to finally bring it to the big screen exactly the way that fans want: a big boy movie director coming in to turn it into something that doesn’t suck stupid shit,” said Sony Pictures executive Martin Weaver. “I think what video game fans love about video game movies is that everyone knows video games are for stupid babies. That’s why they want the grown ups to show up and make everything look a little bit more real. I’ve never played Metal Gear, but just looking at Snake, I’m excited to put him into some normal looking clothes, like a cool leather blazer.”

According to those familiar with the situation, director Jordan Vogt-Roberts is looking forward to transforming the iconic video game series into his own vision.

“I really love Metal Gear and Kojima, so it’s going to be a blast figuring out how to take his themes and force them into a random spec script I found on The Black List,” Vogt-Roberts explained. “I think we have a really cool opportunity here to really make something great, as well as a really cool opportunity for me to land a job directing a Star Wars or Marvel or some shit when it’s done.”

As of press time, Metal Gear Solid creator Hideo Kojima said that he was fine with any and all changes as long as there was a feature that let fans watch the movie before the release date if they changed the clock on their TV to that day.

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Oscar Isaac Receives News Of Solid Snake Casting Via Two-Hour Codec Call

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

LOS ANGELES — Star Wars actor Oscar Isaac was recently cast as Solid Snake in the upcoming Metal Gear Solid film adaptation, receiving the news through a two-hour long codec call with director Jordan Vogt-Roberts, which Isaac described as “incredibly tedious.”

“Solid Snake is a character I’ve been dying to play for years now, so when I got the call I couldn’t have been more excited… At least at first,” said Isaac, sipping a mug of tea with honey to soothe his throat after the excruciatingly long call. “We started off talking about the vision for the film, and then out of nowhere Jordan starts going off about DARPA and what it means to be a soldier. I’m so fucking lost now, but I really don’t wanna call this dude back and ask what the hell is going on.”

While Isaac left the call frustrated and confused, Vogt-Roberts insists that the call could’ve been shorter if Isaac had simply paid closer attention.

“I was just trying to give Oscar some character notes, but every time I said a word he didn’t know, he’d repeat it in the form of a question and I’d have to explain it in further detail and show him a bunch of stock footage of old politicians shaking hands,” said an exhausted Vogt-Roberts. “The whole call could’ve been over in ten minutes if I didn’t have to explain the concept of a meta-narrative to him three goddamn times.”

Although the call was much longer than expected, Isaac explained his reluctance to skip ahead and possibly miss some important information.

“It was tough staying on the line for so long, but I know as soon as I start skipping calls, I’m gonna end up filming a scene where Snake has to fight a boss and I’ll have no clue how I’m supposed to beat them. Even if these calls take forever, sometimes there’s some important shit in there. So I stayed on the line, mostly out of spite, but also to hear if Jordan thought it was possible for love to bloom on the battlefield.”

At press time, Isaac had hung up the codec call, only to walk three steps down a hallway and receive another urgent, long-winded call to discuss every minor logistical detail of the movie’s production schedule.

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I’m Helping Raise Marginalized Voices by Talking Over Them

Posted on by Mirinda Moriarty

Hey! I said HEY!!! Shut up for a second. God damn. Look, just because I’m a white cis male doesn’t mean that I don’t see the struggles of BIPOC and the LGBTQ+ community. I SEE you and I FEEL you. Most importantly, I HEAR you. But even more most importantly, I’m going to help the world hear you. I’m going to lift up all your voices. Because you’re going to have to talk loud as fuck if anyone’s gonna hear you over this sick bullhorn I brought.

And no, you can’t use it.

First things first, I’m an anarchist. That shit is law, dude. For instance, I did not vote in this election. Instead, I went online and ordered the loudest megaphone that unemployment benefits can buy. Sure, I didn’t have a job to lose when the pandemic hit but it’s not illegal to exclude your adult allowance on a benefit application. So here we are.

Many of you don’t seem to understand that in order to change the systemic racial prejudices in our society calls for direct action. You need to be loud enough so people will change their ways and to tear down the structures that support it. Like, see how loud I’m being right now? You all need to be louder than this if anyone is gonna hear what you have to say. And what you have to say is so important. That’s why I’m here to help.

If I can’t hear you, they can’t hear you! And I don’t know if you know this, but it’s really hard to listen when you’re talking.

Sorry, but I have to cut this short. Musician’s Friend is having a sale right now on PA systems. Raise your voice!

Unemployed Man Certain He’s Not Qualified for Job by How High Salary Is

Posted on by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Unemployed linguistics major Steve Carter spent hours looking through job boards yesterday before ultimately declining to apply for any positions upon noticing the attractive salaries promised, sources close to the realistic man confirmed.

“I need a job really bad, and there’s some stuff out there I think I’m qualified for… but as soon as I get to the compensation part and it doesn’t say something unpromising like ‘DOE’ or ‘to be discussed,’ I’m out,” said Carter. “Basically, anything that breaks down to more than $13 an hour is risky, and if there’s mention of a generous benefits package or paid time off, that’s a huge red flag. Whatever they need me to do in exchange for that is just not something I’m able, or probably even willing, to do. You have to read between the lines with these things.”

Martha Pratkov, a career advisor at Colorado State University, noted that stories like Carter’s are all too common.

“Steve is a lovely young man. He’s even kinda smart. But he’s a linguistics major who’s worked as a barista most of his adult life. He really has no business applying to jobs that pay more than $35,000 a year,” said Prathkov. “Maybe he’d have better prospects if he knew how to do that thing where you program Excel to auto-populate data, or had a CEO uncle. Unfortunately, Steve shows no interest in acquiring profitable skills, like computer programming, or nepotism. At this rate, I’m afraid he’ll remain a low-earner unless he learns how to be useful or get grandfathered in somewhere.”

History major Gabriela Rimoni agreed, remembering a time when she saw this same scenario play out before her very eyes.

“I was in an interview for an admin role at a tech start-up. Everything was going great until the interviewer said the job requires someone who’s good with numbers,” recalled an emotional Rimoni. “Like an idiot, I said, ‘I’m great with numbers! Ask me the dates of the Nicean Councils!’ and it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. The interviewer stammered something about having to finish some reports and bolted out of her own office.”

Carter is currently working his sixth day straight, filling out grad school applications between cappuccinos with several coworkers who majored in theater.

Meet the 16-Year-Old Activist Fighting With Her Mom

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

Here at Hot Topic, the air is thick with unrest and Manic Panic hair dye fumes, and the site where brave teen activist, Kimmy Lopez, has been demonstrating in support of teen rights by passive-aggressively bickering with her mom for nearly 3 hours straight.

We had the chance to speak with Lopez, 16, outside of the suburban mall store, which she described as a historical landmark for young women everywhere. “Like, when I’m here, I feel the weight of all the girls who have come before me. All the girls that fought their moms and won. Yes, all the girls who made their moms buy them that Misfits t-shirt. The one with the skull.”

Watch out, Emma Goldman! Red Kimmy over here is about to blow up!

We asked Lopez what led to her taking up such a noble cause. She told us a harrowing tale of the time when, at 13 years old, her mom had walked into her room with a stack of folded laundry. “She didn’t knock and my friend Jessica was right there. I couldn’t believe it.”

That’s when she knew it was going to be a lifelong battle.

We asked Lopez’s mother, Lina Lopez, her thoughts on her daughter’s activism. “I guess I’m the worst mother in the world!” Lina told us as she took out her credit card to pay for some pre-ripped tights she was willing to compromise on.

Mr. Lopez declined to comment but Kimmy’s pretty sure he’d tell us to go ask her mom.

Goth Hides Stack of The Cure’s “Pornography” in Woods

Posted on by John Danek

BANGOR, Maine — Middle-aged goth Richard Irwin stashed his collection of The Cure’s landmark fourth album “Pornography” in the woods behind his house yesterday to keep his family from finding the large amounts of vinyl, excited neighborhood teens report.

“Look, I have kids now, and I just don’t want to risk scarring them at such a young age. ‘Pornography’ is a serious album, and you don’t just jump from the Wiggles to the Cure without serious ramifications,” explained Irwin, who promised his wife he’d no longer bring such depraved material into the house. “So I went deep into a forest and found a perfect place to stuff this waterproof bag with all the various editions I own. And if I’m feeling randy, I’ll take this battery-powered turntable into the woods, bite my lip, and revel in miserable ecstasy while applying some light mascara.”

Reports indicate local horny teenagers found the salacious stash very quickly.

“Let’s just say that I found a very interesting pile of stuff the other day, if you know what I mean,” hinted local 7th grader Skyler Anderson, showing the first signs of an incoming thin mustache. “I’ve been turning a nice little profit by sharing it with my schoolmates who haven’t experienced anything this hardcore before. They never know what to do with themselves, especially once ‘The Hanging Garden’ starts. But if anyone asks, you didn’t hear about it from me. My mom would kill me.”

The Cure’s frontman Robert Smith weighed in, recommending care be taken to not expose it to children.

“‘Pornography’ should only be enjoyed by those mentally fit enough to withstand the titillating and supremely depressing subject matter contained within,” said Smith, who has started sharing stories of each track from the album on OnlyFans. “Maybe ease your children into it by playing ‘Friday I’m In Love’ in the car, or adding ‘Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me’ to their Spotify library. Before you know it, they’ll be addicted to ‘Pornography’ and maybe start a tribute band to perform ‘Pornography’ themselves.”

Irwin’s secret stash has reportedly grown significantly in the last day, adding Extreme’s “Pornograffiti,” Big Black’s “Songs About Fucking,” and Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash.”

Guy Who Brought Switch to Rooftop Party Disappointed Everybody Just Doing Coke Off It

Posted on by Peter Casciato

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Gamer Brian Kology was disappointed after his attempt at livening up a rooftop party by bringing his Nintendo Switch along resulted in everybody snorting cocaine off of its surface.

“I don’t normally get invited to these kinds of things, so I really wanted to make a good impression,” said Kology, who moved to the city last year and has yet to find a new permanent social circle. “I figured I could kick things up a notch by bringing the Switch, you know, make it a night we’d never forget. Within five minutes, I realized that this would be a night very few people remembered. You know, because of the copious amount of drugs.”

According to those familiar with the situation, while Kology was attempting to explain the rules of Overcooked to some disinterested partygoers, someone grabbed the Switch from his hands and declared that the party had officially started. 

“That dude’s fucking dope,” said one guest who was clearly under the influance of multiple substances. “ Anyone who brings a specialized cocaine mirror to a party is clearly a fucking monster. That thing even lit up, bro! I hope I get to party with him again.”

Despite the warm reception and overall increase in party morale, Kology was livid about the turn of events.

“I thought maybe they were playing some Mario Kart in the bathroom,” said a despondent Kology. “But, I guess they’re all interested in a different kind of speed. Cocaine getting into the guts of it is almost certainly going to cause joycon drift. This party sucks.”

Kology reportedly left the party after getting excited because he heard someone yell that they wanted to play Smash, realizing a moment later that they had actually yelled that they were looking to “get smashed.”

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Man Who Eats, Sleeps, and Breathes Video Games Advised by Doctor to Stop Doing That

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

BOSTON — Urgently advising the at-risk man to change his dangerous lifestyle immediately, a doctor at Massachusetts General Hospital advised patient William Shelton to stop “eating, sleeping, and breathing video games,” sources close to the patient confirmed today.

“I was asking my standard questions, such as exercise habits, diet, smoking and drinking, and then out of nowhere [Shelton] casually mentions that he basically only consumes video games 24/7. Needless to say, I began running tests on him immediately,” said Dr. Stephen Fried, while reviewing CT scans showing the affects years of gaming had had on Shelton’s brain. “It’s always good to catch these kinds of things early on, so I’m relieved that he casually mentioned it like that.”

Shelton says he was surprised at his doctor’s stern reaction to his lifestyle.

“All I said was that I crush noobs in CoD on the regular, day or night, and suddenly they’re wheeling me into a special room on a stretcher for inspection,” said Shelton, playing his Nintendo Switch from inside an MRI machine while nurses attempted to wrestle it from his hands. “I guarantee there’s nothing wrong with me. I’ve been playing games all day every day since I was a kid, and just look at how I turned out!”

At press time, Shelton was reportedly being contacted by his supervisor at work after making an alarming claim on social media that he plays video games like it’s his job.

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How Being Too Scared To Use the Oven Introduced Me To the All Raw Meat Diet

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Put down that well-done fillet mignon, king! Sure, it tastes good and isn’t full of foodborne pathogens, but you’re missing out on the greatest health craze since leeches: the all-raw meat diet. Take it from me, a former cooked meat-loving weakling turned muscle-bound raw meat purist. Well, as soon as my hands have healed enough to pick up some meat, that is. I just burned them pretty bad while re-reheating some DiGiorno in the oven so I’m never using that fucker again. It’s all raw for me from here on out!

Sure, with an all raw meat diet I might have to make a trip to the emergency room a few times a week. But what about these hypothetical pecs? I mean I assume the meat just, like, globs onto my meat or whatever so I’ll just have my body tell the meat to start with my pecs. Before ya know it, I’ll be jacked and maybe then the stove won’t seem as scary as it does in this hand-throbbing moment.

Besides, what good are ovens anyway? All they do is get real hot and make scary noises. Probably because demons dwell within them. Can you believe that you can just walk into Lowes and buy an oven without any sort of background check? I told the guy at the gun show that while I was buying my third AR-15 and he couldn’t believe it!

Most doctors say that a raw meat diet is dangerous over time. Well, my oven is dangerous RIGHT NOW. Besides, when have a bunch of scientists even been right about anything? Those nerds said the same thing to my uncle when they said that smoking would kill him. Wrong! He got shot fighting a guy over cigarettes.

Basically, eating cooked meat makes you a wussy little baby bug boy. Sure, your body is a “temple,” but mine is a 50,000 seat megachurch next to a SpaceX launchpad and it’s all thanks to the all raw meat diet.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw out my microwave.

Phone Still Works as Long as You Don’t Need to Send Outgoing Texts, Receive Voicemail, Use Most Apps, Unplug for More Than One Minute

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BALTIMORE — An obviously broken phone that you for some reason refuse to replace reportedly does still work, assuming you don’t need to use it for anything, according to you.

“Most people would say that this thing is on its last legs, but that’s just because everyone is a slave to consumerism, and probably also because the screen is just a bunch of squiggly lines unless you press down on the one corner,” you said, while carefully tip-toeing away from the phone after you think you may have finally inserted the charger in a way that it may power it. “It may look and seem and even sound broken, based on how you can’t hear anything on it and I can’t make outgoing calls, but you can still check email and get some texts as long as they are less than six words, so I think it’s still got a few years left on it.”

Experts in the field agreed with your assessment of the phone, adding that the measures taken to keep the phone active are “really not that big of a deal, once you get used to it.”

“Many people would have you believe that a cell phone stops working the minute you can’t take it with you outside of the house because it dies as soon as it becomes unplugged, but those people couldn’t be more wrong. There’s still plenty of life in a phone like that, as long as you delete apps one at a time to make room for pics or contacts or battery life,” assured self-proclaimed phone hacks expert, Chris Tran. “Sure, it may take anywhere from two days to three weeks to receive a voicemail, and usually requires a hard reboot of the phone to get there, but who the hell is leaving voicemails these days anyway? Grandmas and doctors? How important could those messages be?”

Despite your insistence that the phone still works, those around you continue to express frustration for the 11th consecutive month.

“It’s absolutely insane and completely unnecessary,” said friend who’s been trying to reach you for weeks, Marissa Valentine. “They need like, three devices to send a single message and their living room looks like some hacker movie from the ‘90s. On the plus side, they’ve started sending letters once a week to reach out, and getting mail feels kinda Pinterest-y and is just always kinda nice.”

Following a recent incident involving a cat’s tail and glass of water, your phone is expected to make a full recovery, assuming that you keep a fan on it at all times and don’t need to look at or touch it ever again.