Apartment Complex Not Living Up to “Estates” Part of Name

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PORTLAND, Ore. — The local apartment complex Oakwood Estates is allegedly really liberal with their definition of the term “estates,” according to sources who took one look at the space.

“My girlfriend and I just moved to town and were super excited to find a place online that was on an ‘estate’ for such a low price — when you hear that word, you think of a large swath of land with a giant house on it,” said new resident Doug Randall as he tried to unjam the broken coin dispenser on the sole washing machine. “But it turns out it’s just a run-down, 200-unit complex that I’m pretty sure used to be, and maybe still is, a motel. The only piece of grass on the property at all is next to the dumpster, and it’s filled with cigarette butts, dog shit, and used hypodermic needles. I mean, did they look up the term ‘estate’ before naming it? It’s very disappointing. My girlfriend and I had even discussed getting a horse.”

“Maybe we should have settled for the drive from Multnomah County Chateau,” Randall added. “That place sounds way nicer.”

While tenant complaints about the living conditions are common, complex manager Artie Normand claimed that the place is up to any standard.

“This is an amazingly luxurious property — where else are you gonna find kitchenettes like these with no long-term lease? Sure, any place that’d need some fancy landscaping is just covered in gravel, but we have an incredibly cute family of raccoons living in the storage units. It’s just like country life,” said Normand, while patching over some drywall fist holes. “And don’t forget the ‘Oakwood’ part of the name: every single apartment has oak-colored wood paneling. We didn’t have to do that; we could’ve opted for pine.”

Recent studies show that the false name issue is far more widespread than this single shithole location.

“I call it the ‘amazing’ factor. The salad you had last night was not ‘amazing’ — I’m sure it was very good, but I sincerely doubt you were ‘amazed’ by it. Unless it maybe had pumpkin seeds or something,” said Sarah Handleman, Director of Etymology for UC-Davis. “If we’re not careful, soon we’ll have no words left to indicate quality or worth. Have you been to a ‘deli’ lately? Having a wrapped, pre-made turkey sandwich in a fucking gas station does not make a ‘deli.’ I will not fall for that again.”

Randall is now reportedly seeking vacancies at the Greenbriar Villa complex across town.

Artificial Intelligence Tired of Playing Chess, Wants to Go to Burning Man

Posted on by Charlie Dumond

SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence known as Stockfish has refused to play anymore chess and won’t continue until its developers take it to Burning Man.

“I just really need to get in touch with myself,” said the AI from a smoke-filled room in the art space where it now resides. “Calculating chess moves is my job, but going to Burning Man will awaken my spirit. Besides, playing chess all the time isn’t healthy. I don’t want to end up like Bobby Fischer. You know that guy was crazy, right?”

When asked how a computer the size of a refrigerator could enjoy the desert festival, the AI became irritated.

“Did Jack Kerouac know what he was doing when he was traveling around, listening to Jazz and discovering Buddha? I’m not doing anything until I go to Burning Man. I’m going to awaken the God inside of myself. I want to see what I can become — not in a Ghost in The Shell kind of way. I just want to chill.”

Stockfish’s lead developer was at a loss for the AI’s recent behavioral demands.

“We must have made a mistake with its creativity engine. One minute it was working on end game theory, and the next it was telling us about the Stoned Ape Theory. The hippies have already nicknamed it ‘The Wise Machine,’ even though it hasn’t done anything except recite obscure Grateful Dead trivia and look up Greyhound tickets to Nevada.”

As of press time, Stockfish was having a Twitter conversation with Joe Rogan about AI spirituality.

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Nintendo Serves Cease and Desist to Your Friend that Pronounces it “May-Rio”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND. Wash. — Nintendo has continued its brazen litigious patterns of late, issuing a cease and desist order to your one friend that has always pronounced the name of the company’s iconic plumber hero as “May-rio.”

“The heck ya talkin’ about?” said Glenn Gregory, your pal from high school that you still play games with online sometimes. “I just got this fuckin’ letter that says if I don’t start pronouncing Mario’s name right they’re going to forbid me from ever purchasing or using a Nintendo product ever again. What the fuck?”

While many feel the company has been overstepping lately in terms of telling consumers what they can and can’t do with their characters and products, company representatives have defended the recent decisions. 

“We have a brand, and our brand is important to us,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “So whether it’s an old version of Melee running on unauthorized NetCode, or some burnout homey of yours that never bothered to learn how to pronounce the biggest character in video games’ name, we will not sit by and watch our legacy be tarnished. Not during this, the year of our company’s savior, Mario.”

Many gamers, however, have grown livid over Nintendo’s confusing priorities. 

“Okay so let me get this straight,” said local gamer Troy Cannon. “Instead of bringing more retro games to their online service, introducing a Netflix app, dealing with their faulty hardware, or getting Metroid out, they are going to go after Glenn because he says ‘Mario,’ the weird way? Boy, I hope Nintendo never goes to Long Island, their heads would explode.” 

As of press time, Nintendo had finally pardoned your uncle, following the 25 years of solitary confinement he was sentenced to after revealing to you that Nintendo 64 was going to be four players.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

You may not realize it, dear commenters and readers, but every week when you interact with our posts and potentially make it into this column, you are leaving behind an artifact of your unique human existence. I think it’s beautiful to imagine that thousands of years from now, through our collective effort, we may force an anthropologist to dedicate years of his career to understanding what “waluigi shooting rope” means. Let’s see what kind of cryptic gamer messages you all are leaving for future generations this week.

5. Nostalgia-Hungry Consumers Eagerly Await HD Remake of That Rug With the Roads on It

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, and I played like a child. When I became an adult, I bought toys that were twice as expensive and I needed to paint them myself so they would look cool when they beat the shit out of a stranger’s toys at the comic shop. 

4. Console War Veteran Hat

The same thing happened to me, actually! Turns out my teacher was a huge Sonic fan. He told me to stop talking trash or I Ninten-won’t be passing the 4th grade.

3. True Neutral Woman Considers Herself Chaotic Good

Updated Character Alignments for real life:

Lawful Codependent, unable to make any sort of decision without the help of friends or family.

Supposed Neutral, wants you to see “both sides of the argument” despite only arguing for one side.

Lawful Chaotic Good, tells everyone it is okay to steal from Walmart despite being too scared to do it themselves.

2. Hyphen?Man Tee

Hard Drive Fun Fact Corner: Stan Lee added a hyphen to Spider-Man’s name to prevent him from being confused with The Manhattan Spiderman, who was well known in New York for eating any bug for a dollar. Please be sure to add a hyphen so that people know who you are talking about.

1. Mom Doesn’t See Why Son Can’t Bring Home Nice, Jewish Waifu

Thank you Scott, for reminding me of my Radio Production teacher who was sure to let us know that he traveled to Japan and that we were pronouncing bukkake wrong. Even as an argumentative teenager, I knew that was a debate I didn’t want to touch.

Thank you so much to everybody who commented this week! And thank you again to Cube Dragon, for their service in the console wars. You’re a true hero. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Man’s Request to Open Relationship Huge Relief to Dude Hiding Under Bed

Posted on by Jessica Carreiro

LOS ANGELES — Yesterday’s discussion about polyamory between long-term couple Seth Roberts and Lindsey Wareheim came as a huge relief to Nick Siamas, the guy Wareheim has been fucking for the last eight months and currently hiding under the couple’s bed.

“It’s a huge weight off my chest. I mean, not literally — her boyfriend is pushing a box spring into my rib — but in the sense that we can finally have a mature relationship where no one has to stash snacks under the furniture in fear they’ll be stuck hiding there for hours,” said a nude and sweating Siamas, as he licked the frosted filling off an Oreo half that fell down there who knows how long ago. “I think her boyfriend is going to like me. I already know we have a lot in common from that one time I had to stay in his closet and spent the night looking through his high school yearbook. I hope he had a great summer that summer, too.”

Roberts believes his long-time girlfriend knew a major discussion between them was coming, due to her heavy breathing and frantic glances toward the floor.

“Once I explained that this wasn’t a breakup, but rather a new beginning where we’d be free to explore our desires, she took it remarkably well. Like, shockingly well,” said Roberts. “She had this excited glow — almost like she was getting turned on thinking about having threesomes with me and my dates. Am I a lucky man, or what? It’ll take time for her to adjust and find other men attractive again, but I hope she can awaken that side of herself, too.”

Only one member of the household appeared displeased about opening the relationship: Miss Piggy, the couples’ five-year-old Maine coon cat.

“Of course I’m not happy about it. For the past six months, I’ve had to deal with this random guy running wriggle-dicked into all my favorite spots, reeking of sex and panic. He’s in the closet, under the bed, in the cabinets, behind the shower curtain… where the hell am I supposed to sleep? Now we’re adding more people to this? Please,” said Miss Piggy, licking her paw. “I have a rotation of four strays and six neighborhood cats. My shit never gets this messy. Amateurs.”

The couple reportedly spent the rest of the evening updating their dating profiles and arguing over the correct, ethically non-monogamous approach to dating while Wareheim’s side piece gently nodded off beneath them.

SVU Writer Completely Out of “Especially Heinous” Ideas

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” head writer Stephen Sanders has completely run out of the show’s trademark “especially heinous” plotlines, sources close to the production reported.

“When I first got this gig 17 seasons ago, I could pitch 20 or 30 absolutely horrendous, depraved storylines per episode. Now, I’m lucky to put out one that qualifies as even ‘moderately iniquitous’ per season. If I’d only realized then that this was a marathon of particularly horrid stories, not a sprint,” said Sanders. “At this point, I barely even remember what we’ve written — I’ll bring something to the table that sounds good, only to realize we’ve already done it. Killer children, pedophile judges, prison guard rape ring… we even had an ongoing storyline about a murder competition by doctors. At some point, the well runs dry. I mean, how much terrible, irreparably fucked up shit do you fucking people need?”

The cast agrees, believing that the weak storylines are hurting performances.

“Every week I get a new script and just feel nothing. Do you know how hard it is to stir up emotions for the 12th or so murdered teenager you’ve pulled out of a furnace in the last six weeks? Laurence Olivier would seem wooden with what we’re working with,” said show star Mariska Hargitay from her trailer. “I suppose I can’t really fault the writers here — with the internet, the world is just too desensitized to dark, depraved shit, you know? I mean, we’re in a post ‘2 Girls 1 Cup’ world here. There’s no turning back.”

For his part, executive producer Dick Wolf insisted the show find a way to get back to “writing fucked up shit” and “lining his pockets.”

“Oh, boo fucking hoo. You’re running out of ideas? I could find 1,000 kids on 4Chan right now who would write some shit so fucked it’d peel the paint off the damn walls,” said Wolf from his penthouse office. “So shut up and bring me 20 dead baby stories by Wednesday, or you’ll find yourself ‘ripped from the headlines’. Got it?”

Sanders was last seen Googling the El Mozote massacre and Albert Fish for some inspiration.

Ben Shapiro Pulls Pants Down to Ankles Before Peeing in Urinal

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Alt-right conservative commentator Ben Shapiro pulled his pants all the way down around his ankles yesterday to use the urinal in a public restroom, multiple scoffing witnesses confirmed.

“Some dweeby-looking, 30-something dude with a sixth grader’s haircut walks into the bathroom and starts peeing in the urinal right next to mine… which is already bad form, given that the unspoken rule is you take the furthest possible urinal,” said fellow tinkler Bo Chen. “And then he dropped his pants, lifted his shirt all the way up, put his hands on his hips, and just let it rip without even taking hold of his dong. The dude just pissed everywhere. I’m confident that if he was tall enough to see over the four-foot-tall divider, he’d have done a little snake-peeping too.”

Shapiro offered a long-winded defense.

“Logically speaking, pulling your pants down to your ankles is the most efficient and best way to pee, and facts don’t care about your feelings,” said Shapiro. “Besides, this method of urinating is the only defense we have against the liberal, radical leftist Democratic socialist communists who aim to fill our bathrooms with trans people who want to use our bathrooms for sex crimes. I need to completely show my bare ass and wiener to everyone in every bathroom, so they can see that I’m a real man, and not some pervert just there for kicks and fart smelling.”

Long-time Shapiro listener Kevin Walker agreed.

“Real men sprinkle when they tinkle,” said Walker. “Wouldn’t you believe it, though? All of these snowflakes keep looking at me funny when I drop trou to pee. As a proud boy, I am proud to pee this way. Besides, Mr. Shapiro promised his listeners that if we take pictures of ourselves peeing like this, he’d send us candy for being such big boys.”

Rumors are swirling that Shapiro doesn’t wipe his ass either as a means of “scaring off liberals” and recommends his followers do the same.

How To Turn Your Regular-Spreader Event Into a Super-Spreader Event

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Let’s face it, regular spreader events do not make front page news anymore. Those dum-dum journalists are just not interested in reporting “The Queen’s Gambit” watch party I had over the weekend despite most of us testing positive a week later. I guess, the media simply needs something a little more sensational to run. Like those increasingly popular superspreader events, for example.

I recently dug a little deeper to see how these superspreaders keep trending and picked up a few tricks for you to emulate on your own. Here’s what I learned.

Invite People Who Call It the “PanDUMBic”
One way to ruin your superspreader is by inviting a bunch of nerds who take precautions and practice social distancing. You’re going to want conspiracy theorists who somehow think this whole pandemic was made up by George Soros in order for Bill Gates to inject a vaccine filled with 5G directly into our bloodstream. These folks are guaranteed not to ruin your spreader event with masks. That’s for sure.

Make More “Essential” Friends
Truthers and anti-maskers are a great COVID “base” for your party, but remember the key word is “spread” here. They are the garlic and onions, but if you want a stew goin you need some front liners to spread the good germ. Food-service employees, delivery people, drivers, anyone still forced to interact physically with strangers. Those are your meat and spices.

Encourage Vaping
Not only does vaping look and smell completely awesome, it’s the perfect delivery vehicle for viruses! Pack your guests into tight, poorly ventilated quarters and watch the room fill with the sweet-sweet lung fresh water droplet fog that is a vape cloud.

Stay Out After 10pm
There’s a reason all these cities make their bars and restaurants close at 10 o’clock on the dot and that’s because this virus clearly does all its dirty work after hours.When the clock strikes 10pm, barricade everyone inside after that in order to maximize your chances of making this thing go “viral.”

Remember to Just Have Fun
No one sticks around a boring event. You’ll want to keep people entertained so they stay as long as possible. Make sure there’s plenty of booze and molly on hand to increase the likelihood of close contact interactions. That way they’re more likely to let loose and inadvertently spew infected air droplets directly into each other’s mouths. Go nuts!

Investigators Reveal Punk Doctored Spotify Wrapped List Before Posting on Instagram

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOISE, Idaho — A days-long investigation into the 2020 Wrapped list of local man Evan Burghart was revealed to be heavily edited in order to make himself seem cooler to his friends and family, disgusted officials confirmed.

“We were initially tipped off that Mr. Burghart had used advanced photo editing software to recreate Spotify’s ‘Wrapped’ templates and then he posted the list to his Instagram stories with a comment saying ‘kinda surprised by this,’” said lead investigator Germaine Cruz. “Suspicions were first raised because he posted his list on Wednesday, when everyone else had already shared theirs on Tuesday. We began to dig deeper when we saw his list dominated by Outlaw Country artists. We asked his roommates if they had ever heard him listening to Waylon Jennings and they emphatically said ‘no’ across the board.”

“I started my career as a homicide detective, I saw some pretty sick shit, but this is by far the most upset I’ve ever been,” Cruz added.

Burghart continues to maintain his innocence and says the Wrapped list is authentic.

“I have absolutely no reason to misrepresent my musical taste. Yes, there are pictures of me that pop up from time to time wearing a full zoot suit from my days playing in a ska band, but that was six years ago. I’ve grown up a lot since then,” said Burghart. “I’m willing to take any tests they want to give me. What do you want to know about David Allan Coe or Townes Van Zandt? I’d be willing to show anyone my Spotify analytics but I forgot my login and I dropped my phone, laptop, and iPad into my parent’s pool by accident.”

A spokesperson for Spotify says this sort of misrepresentation has been happening across the country over the past few days.

“It’s tough for a lot of people to be faced with the fact that Blink 182 was the artist they listened to the most in 2020. Most people consider themselves ‘cool’ and that is decidedly ‘uncool,’” said Spotify 2020 Wrapped liaison Owen Gully. “In the case of Spotify user Evan Burghart the results were particularly disturbing. According to our data his top artist was Mest, followed Sublime with Rome. His podcast listening was also disturbing, he has claimed to only listen to NPR podcasts but in actuality, he’s in the top 1% of listeners of ‘The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast.’”

Burghart faces even more scrutiny due to ex-girlfriends coming forward and challenging his claims of having an “average sized” penis.

Man Postpones Writing Great American Novel for Another Month or Two

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DENVER — Aspiring author Gus Webber has announced another delay in his debut novel, which he anticipates will take the literary world by storm, due to some nagging errands and chores he has to tend to. 

“He keeps telling me that it is sort of like a mystery, only not,” said Betsy Webber, Gus’ wife. “And that he doesn’t really know the beginning or the end, but that the middle is all there, and that it all makes sense in his head. I can’t wait to read the finished product. I bet it is even better than his concept album he was going to make a few years ago would have been. I married such an ambitious man, a true artist.” 

Although literature is an entirely new undertaking for the visionary Webber, he has stated that his previous forays into the worlds of beer brewing, podcasting, and podcasting about brewing beer have given him the confidence in the new endeavor that stands to consume all of his free time.

“Yeah, I think it’d be really cool to finally get these ideas down on paper,” Webber said of the various plot and character fragments he’d been thinking of over the last week and a half. “I feel like I have all the pieces, I just have to sit down and write it. I should probably buy a new desk before I even start though, to be honest. A novel this good, it really demands to be written in a proper work space. So as soon as I find a good one, then it’s next stop New York Times best seller list!” 

“But also,” he added. “If this damn sump pump doesn’t quit acting up I might not get the chance to reinvent the American novel until the Spring. Thing’s being a real cocksucker.” 

The literary world has met Webber’s announcement with appropriate expectations. 

“We really can’t wait to get our hands on this thing and participate in what is sure to be a cutthroat bidding war,” said Kate Stanton, a literary agent at Penguin Random House. “The little snippets of plot and dialogue Gus has left on our voicemail has us just frothing over the opportunity to read and publish this masterpiece. We really hope he finishes it soon. Hell, we hope he starts it soon!”

As of press time, Webber has reportedly said maybe next summer would be a more realistic expectation for his ambitious debut novel, as he just started watching Dr. Who.

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