Quarantined Bear Grylls Cuts Open Mattress to Sleep Inside

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

WREXHAM, U.K. — Increasingly unhinged survivalist and television host Bear Grylls used a serrated, fixed-blade knife yesterday to cut open his mattress and climb inside in order to keep warm during quarantine, concerned sources reported.

“The sun has nearly gone down. And with no shelter and the brutal conditions of my private island, it’s only a matter of time before the climate-controlled master bedroom becomes a dangerous place,” said the 45-year-old adventurer to no one in particular from his Welsh mansion. “In life or death situations, you have to do whatever it takes to stay alive — even if it requires sleeping inside the mangled corpse of a Serta, Casper, or even a bean bag chair.”

Grylls’ children were quarantined with him in their family home, but locked themselves in the attic as their father lost his grip on reality.

“I was in my bedroom watching TV when he came in wearing several layers of clothing and insisting we eat him if he dies of hypothermia. So I adjusted the thermostat and told him to relax,” said eldest son Richard. “Later, I caught him squeezing the water from a dish sponge into his canteen, and then he flipped out and started chasing me up the stairs. His eyes looked like a wounded animal.”

Grylls was eventually rushed to a nearby hospital and subdued by a team of psychiatrists.

“This delusional episode stems directly from the prolonged effects of quarantine. You’d think Bear would be better equipped to handle isolation based on his show, but despite his reputation as a survivalist, he’s just as fake as everyone else on TV,” said Dr. Georgia Rodriguez. “Coincidentally, Grylls isn’t the only TV host to suffer such a breakdown: Chance the Rapper was admitted to my care after spending 48 hours straight trying to ‘punk’ his house plant. And Andrew Zimmern got lead poisoning from tasting old paint.”

“I’m hoping Guy Fieri suffers a dramatic mental episode next,” she added. “I’d sure love to meet him.”

At press time, Grylls was screaming ‘I’m not a phony” with a mouth full of piss.

Serial Killer Sickened By Overmedicated Teens’ Lack of Sex Drive

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

SOUTHBURY, Conn. — Local urban legend The Southbury Slasher could not complete his annual killing spree last week when his chosen victims couldn’t have sex due to overmedication in treating their anxiety and depression, according to shaken sources.

“I staked out that shack for months, but the most action I ever saw was one kid crumpling up and tossing out several unfinished to-do lists and making a new one on a whiteboard,” the frustrated would-be killer stated. “These are lower-middle class kids with not much going for them except trying to get laid and experiment with drugs. Seeing as they couldn’t even engage in that foul, debasing act, I couldn’t end them. Maybe if we had universal healthcare and an approach to wellbeing not rooted in profit, they could relax a little and have a great time plowing each other until I decapitate whichever one’s on top.”

One subject of the killer’s months-long stalking, local teen Charlie Olatunji, recalled a particularly uneventful run in with the slasher.

“Me and Kelly [Ruiz] were at this abandoned farmhouse, and I could tell they wanted to bone, but I recently started new antidepressants and wasn’t feeling it,” explained Olatunji. “So we just ended up making out a lot instead. Then I saw a figure outside the window, holding a huge butcher knife. Kelly screamed, the butcher knife fell and the figure kind of sagged… I heard him sigh before he disappeared into the night, and we got back to watching skincare routines on YouTube.”

Dr. Lucas Harrington, a child psychologist who specializes in treating future serial killers, said that although the Slasher was a “menace who must be stopped at any cost,” he raised good points nevertheless.

“I’ve been in this terrible line of work for decades. I’ve seen things that still keep me up at night,” said Dr. Harrington. “But let me say that throwing pills at children is never the answer. Hyper-fixating on their evil tendencies and devoting your life to hunting them down after your treatment has failed them, and every one of their victims by proxy, is a proven method of psychiatric care. It’s the only thing I’ve ever tried. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this Slasher is one of my former patients.”

A tape recording later nailed to our door alongside a human ear revealed a distorted voice of someone claiming to be The Southbury Slasher explaining he was “completely sickened by how this country devalues the health of its godless disgusting sheep. I mean, people.”

You’ll Never Get Me To Snitch on My Boys To These Contact Tracers

Posted on by Rick Homuth

In these unchill times, bros worldwide have been leaning on their dudes extra hard to make sense of shit. Between mask mandates, flavored Juul pod bans, and asshole managers at AutoZone, the boys are working overtime. But one thing’s for fuckin’ sure: you’ll never get me to rat out my fuckin’ guys to these so-called, “contact tracers.”

As we all know, the Coronavirus is an overblown hoax forced on us by the liberal ball bags who don’t run the government yet. But since I’m down a grandpa or two, I’ll at least be cautious and wear a mask below my nose. That’s the line, though. Take my one dude, Googy. I didn’t snitch on him when he stole my car so I’m damn sure not gonna rat him out for taking his pet snake on a walk through the mall.

So I get this phone call from a “contract tracer” and it shook me to my core. Some lib-cuck named Linda, from some call center somewhere probably affiliated with ISIS, starts telling me I’d been “exposed,” and asking what symptoms I got. Lady, I regularly smoke meth resin. I haven’t had a sense of smell since the Heath Ledger Batman movie came out, you think I give a fuck about symptoms?

We all weave tangled webs. And nowhere is that more true than with my crew. I can’t divulge secrets for obvious reasons, but it can get real-real, real fast.

Eh, screw it. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say, hypothetically, that Googy cheated on his girlfriend last month at the combination pool hall/laundromat. So what? And is it entirely possible that the girl he was tonsil-tonguing next to the TouchTunes machine was not only the shift leader at the Blimpie our boy D-Sac works at, but also his second cousin? Sure. Hypothetically. And did I happen to swing by after to share one of my famous meth-resin-fun dip baggies complete with glass dipping stick? Just ask the arresting officers.

Anyway, you try telling all that to some rando over the phone. Because, well, I made that mistake. Thanks to Linda, now I’m stuck contact tracing this so-called “chlamydia” all over town. Damn libs. Stay the fuck outta my business!

’90s Emo Guy Struggling to Not Use the Word “Emo” to Describe Favorite Band

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DENVER — Local 39-year-old Justin Shaffer is struggling to describe his favorite band without using the often-maligned word “emo” to describe them, despite that being the genre under which the band classifies themselves.

“I’ve been talking to a woman on Tinder who has never heard of Mineral. But when she asked me to describe them, I had to be very careful — if she associated emo with bands like My Chemical Romance or Boys Like Girls, then she’d probably block me on the spot,” said Shaffer, nervously looking at his DMs. “I guess I could say they’re sort of ‘light post-hardcore’ or ‘melodic indie rock,’ or I could explain how the term ‘emo’ was co-opted by pop-punk bands, but I didn’t want to be one of those guys who over explains everything. My ex-girlfriends say it’s the reason I’m single.”

Emo band The Longest Road’s frontman Oliver Greene has little help to offer Shaffer.

“They called us ‘emo’ in the ’90s, but back then the genre was respected and actually revered. Now if you call a band ‘emo’ you’re basically accusing them of sex crimes. At this point, I don’t even tell them I was in a band — it just leads to questions I won’t answer,” said Greene while taking a picture of an abandoned gas station. “Honestly, this guy should tell this woman his favorite band is Radiohead and forget we ever even existed. Forget the ’90s existed at all.”

Studies show Shaffer represents a growing number of middle-aged men who have lost the ability to explain their music past. Loren Abbot, editor-in-chief for Face Melt Magazine, claimed this problem is all too common.

“When the term ‘emotional hardcore’ was coined, it was just another genre under the greater punk umbrella, but now it’s basically a slur. I feel uncomfortable saying it myself,” said Abbot. “But emo is far from the only genre that suffers from this tragedy: imagine being a goth who spent hours properly applying white foundation, only to be confused for every woman wearing dark eyeliner on Pornhub. Or if you wore a Minor Threat shirt and called yourself a ‘hardcore kid,’ if you call yourself that now, they just assume you wear a basketball jersey and beat people to death with a pool ball inside a tube sock. You don’t want that shit out there — you’ll end up in court or something.”

Shaffer was unavailable for further comment as he was too busy trying to decide which pair of Saucony shoes to wear on his first date.

Want more legit emo in your life? Go check out washedupemo.com, listen to the podcast, and buy the book. It makes the perfect gift.

Tinder User’s Favorite Hobbies Mostly Just Vital Bodily Functions

Posted on by Ben Doyle

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Debuting his brand-new dating profile, local Tinder user David Bloom, 29, advertised his long-held passions for eating food, breathing fresh air, and sleeping in a bed, unimpressed sources report. 

“I thought the fresh air thing was about, like, camping,” said Jennie Nevena, who matched with Bloom earlier this evening. “But no. He just literally likes the feeling of filling his lungs with air. And the food thing? He doesn’t mean, like, cooking food, or even eating good food. He said that his favorite food was ‘Chipotle.’ I guess I’ll just see if I can get him to buy me a burrito bowl or something before I block him.”

Despite the criticisms, Bloom remains confident that his profile will one day attract the woman of his dreams.

“I’m really not like other guys,” asserted Bloom, smiling blankly. “For example, I like to laugh at funny internet videos. Sometimes I will even laugh at a video with a cuss word in it. My quirks might turn some women off, but I need to be true to who I am. I just have to hope that there’s a woman out there as kooky as I am.”

Responding to a recent influx of bachelors like Bloom, Tinder has announced the rollout of a new program to connect them with like-minded partners.

“Yeah, it’s called ‘Tinder Normcore,” said Tinder COO Sharmistha Dubey, shuffling some papers around at a recent press conference. “Or, wait… fuck, sorry, I wasn’t supposed to say that part. But, uh, basically, any time a guy posts a picture of himself holding up a fish, we’re going to use our cutting-edge machine learning algorithms to instantly connect him with a girl who says she ‘wants to go on adventures’ but by ‘adventures’ really means smoking cigarettes in a CVS parking lot. I will not be taking any questions.”

At press time, Bloom was feeling good about his chances with a very talkative sex-chat bot.

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Review: ‘Cyberpunk: 2077’ Is a Perfect Game, Is What I Must Say to Make Sure the Abused Workers Get Their Bonuses

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Brutal, crunch-filled development cycles have become an unfortunate staple of major AAA video games. The latest perpetrator of this is CD Projekt Red, the illustrious Polish game studio behind the hotly anticipated Cyberpunk: 2077. Although the studio promised not to crunch their employees at the beginning of 2020, mandatory six-day work-weeks have been enforced in recent months to ensure the game meets its thrice-delayed release date.

Which begs the question: is all of this stress and exhaustion worth it just to make a video game by a certain deadline?

Well, wonder no more: after getting our hands on the game’s final release build, Hard Drive is excited to confirm to our readers that Cyberpunk: 2077 is a perfect 10/10 game, a conclusion we’ve arrived at out of sheer guilt to ensure that the abused CD Projekt Red employees get whatever bonuses they’ve been promised that might be contingent on good review scores.

The first time you boot up Cyberpunk: 2077 and walk around Night City, you’re greeted with all of the bells and whistles and eye candy that you’ve come to expect from video games this big. The sound design is crisp and textured, the UI is slick and futuristic, you really feel like you’re there, blah blah blah. Hopefully by now, the analyst at CD Projekt Red whose job it is to compile review scores has skimmed this headline, added a row to their spreadsheet that says “Hard Drive – 10/10”, and moved on. Unless this is the worst-case scenario and they only check the average score on Metacritic, in which case the developers are pretty much screwed no matter what.

At the end of the day, declaring Cyberpunk as the unambiguous game of the year is all we can really do to help these poor, overworked employees get the compensation they deserve. Sure, the game is probably going to sell millions of copies no matter what, and the company did promise to share 10% of all its revenue for 2020 with the developers, but that also means that the developers won’t be getting any extra money for sales after the new year.

With so much controversy surrounding the compensation details that are publicly known, there’s a good chance that there’s even shadier penny-pinching going on behind the scenes. We hope we’re wrong about all of this, but out of an abundance of caution, we want to strongly re-emphasize this point: Cyberpunk: 2077 is a perfect masterpiece that absolutely everyone with a conscience should purchase by the end of the fiscal year 2020.

Okay, that last paragraph ended with a pretty good pull quote. Hopefully some executive at CD Projekt Red skims the article and shares it with the employees. To any overworked Cyberpunk developers who might be reading this: Stay strong. It’s almost over. We love you.

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Bride Honestly Looks Like Shit

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Guests attending the wedding of Michaela Hill and Carlos Gibson were forced to admit to themselves that the bride, far from looking beautiful, looked like “complete shit” during her wedding on Saturday.

“I always took it for granted that my daughter would look beautiful on her wedding day. I couldn’t have been more wrong: between her frizzy, out-of-control hair, clown-like makeup, and the stained-tablecloth thing she apparently thought would pass for a dress, I can honestly say I’ve never seen a worse looking bride in my entire life,” said father of the bride Clyde Hill. “It was so bad that I actually started feeling self-conscious about how ugly I must be if that’s what my offspring looks like on her wedding day.”

Even the 26-year old’s bridesmaids expressed shock and dismay at the repelling appearance of the wife-to-be.

“It’s frustrating, because our only real job is to stand there and not be prettier than her, and she made that utterly impossible. If she smelled even half as bad as she looked, everyone in the room would have been throwing up,” said maid of honor Elena Pittman. “She would’ve been better off if a thunderstorm broke out before the vows, and then someone started doing donuts in a field and sprayed everyone with mud. At least then everybody would look like shit, instead of just her.”

While some blamed society for creating the expectation that every bride must look beautiful at her wedding, others directed their anger to the woman responsible for ensuring the night went smoothly.

“Look, I don’t know why everyone’s blaming me. It’s not like I told her to go with those ghastly camouflage stilettos or that heinous fox fur veil,” said the couple’s wedding planner Christina Hyde. “In all my years doing this, I’ve never met a bride with such blatant disregard for her guests’ eyes. It’s hard to believe nobody spoke up when the minister asked if there were any objections.”

At press time, Hill and her new husband were being sued by the minister who officiated the wedding on the grounds that they tricked him into forging an unholy union with the physical embodiment of bad taste.

Crust Punk Worried Gun Control Will Take His Belt

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

TOLEDO, Ohio — Local crust punk Gabe Cox is tremendously worried that “radical left” gun control policies will result in his favorite accessory, a belt made of unusable bullets, being permanently confiscated.

“You just watch. They’re coming for this big ol’ fucker,” Cox said, gesturing to his signature belt. “I had to hide it from Obama for eight years, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna let anyone else come back and finish the job. They can all eat my asshole. The second commandment says I can wear this thing wherever, whenever I want, so they can pry it from my cold, dead hips.”

Cox’s longtime roommate Sarah Marpa doesn’t exactly share his concerns regarding the government’s desire to restrict his munition inspired wardrobe.

“It’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, honestly. I thought him watching the same live video of Toxic Narcotic over and over was bad enough, but now he spends all day in the worst YouTube rabbit holes with right-wing pundits talking about how feminism will make the moon explode or some bullshit,” said Marpa. “I’ve tried telling him that the bullets on his belt are not usable; no one’s going to try to take his gaudy fuckin’ belt. He’s ridiculous. If I were him, I’d be way more worried about them coming to take those nitrous oxide tanks he stole.”

However, weapon-based accessories merchant Anita Jones generally agreed with Cox’s assertions and fears.

“We have to be very concerned about a slippery slope. If they take the bullet belts, what’s next?” said Jones while selling her wares at a gun show. “If practical pant placement systems are taken away, then you can say goodbye to gun-shaped necklaces, safety pin earrings, and those cool brass knuckle rings. People my age remember how easy it used to be to buy a switchblade comb — now, you can’t find them anywhere. The Biden administration wants to close the munitions accouterment loophole.”

At press time, Cox was being escorted out of his local sheriff’s office after attempting to obtain a concealed weapons permit for his belt.

New Age Hippie Chick from College New Age Fascist Chick Now

Posted on by Brooks Gray

TRENTON, N.J. — Local man Todd Branford was very surprised yesterday by the extremist beliefs of his former college friend Madison Carlyle, last known to Branford as a “New Age hippie chick,” after running into her at a fair trade coffee shop.

“Maddy and I were sort of a thing in freshman year, but not really,” laughed Branford, 30. “We hooked up a couple of times, but it didn’t work out because she’s kind of full of herself and I hate Phish, and her dreadlocks smelled like patchouli. Anyway, it was nice running into her, but I noticed some creepy shit on her Instagram later — she mostly sells herbal products and yoga mats on there, but this one post was just a picture of a Viking warrior covered in blood, reading, ‘Time is running out for Hollywood pedos #savethechildren.’ That stuff freaks me out.”

Carlyle, a self-described “wellness influencer,” is very passionate about her beliefs and is eager to share them with Branford or anyone within earshot.

“I’m a spiritual life coach and registered colonic homoeopath, and I’ve always been someone who thinks outside of the box,” said the septum-pierced Carlyle. “Even back in college, I sensed there was something wrong about the Marxist indoctrination they were spoon-feeding us in the mainstream media. I’ve spent the last couple of years becoming more mindful by meditating and doing lots of research through internet forums where people aren’t censored for speaking their minds freely. I know now that the education system and the MSM are even more toxic than GMOs and 5G technology. Luckily, we’ll be entering a new paradigm of love, light and compassion after the satanic globalist Deep State pedophiles are cleansed from the Earth.”

Online radicalization expert Levar Harris noted that it is very common for people with New Age beliefs to become seduced by far-right conspiracy theories.

“We tend to think of New Age ideas as some sort of hippy-dippy, yogurt-head stuff from the 1970s. In fact, the Nazis incorporated mystical, esoteric ideas into their ideology. A lot of alternative medicine practitioners already do a lot of ‘magical thinking’— they say herbal supplements can cure cancer, crystals have healing powers, vaccines cause autism, etc. — so it’s really not a huge leap to think that Hillary Clinton drinks infant blood,” said Harris. “Sadly, there are millions of these lazy-minded people doing so-called ’internet research’ who are merely just indoctrinating themselves with Facebook posts and Youtube videos that peddle easily-debunked conspiracy nonsense.”

Branford was doubly shocked when he also discovered his wealthy white parents harbored incredibly negative views towards immigrants and racial justice organizations.

Opinion: I’m Socially Punk but Fiscally Poser

Posted on by Shea Strauss

Those of us who straddle the line between punk and poser have a difficult time finding a place within the scene. I’m open-minded enough to see that there are benefits to both poser and punk ways of life.

Of course, I create radical zines with my friends where we teach people practical ways to shoplift from corporations. I may pay to have them printed through Barnes and Noble’s printing press, but their online store is just convenient and, with their discounts, it’s basically a steal!

But, look, I live in a punk house with five of my most trusted comrades. With like six dudes living there, it’s bound to get gross, so I have a housekeeper come every two weeks. By the way, I’d appreciate it if you used that copy of “The Anarchist Cookbook” as a coaster—Pottery Barn isn’t exactly cheap!

Also, it goes without saying but fuck 12, ACAB, etc. Every individual who participates in the institution of policing is responsible for modern-day slavery. Except for my dad who is one of the good ones because he bankrolls my lifestyle so he’s actually taking down the system from the inside when you think about it! Don’t tell him that though.

I may be generationally wealthy, but some of my best friends can’t even afford basic necessary medical care so I get it. I’m just a little wary of overthrowing corrupt systems because it might affect my ability to retire.

At the end of the day, I would never sell out. Sure, I may work for Sony Music Entertainment as a marketing representative to Amazon, but, like, fuck Bezos. The last time I was on one of his yachts for the holiday party, I threw a lobster roll through a window.

So I’ll leave you with these final questions: Are people not allowed to be complex? Is my band not punk just because I paid Timbaland to produce our latest single? Is my molotov cocktail any less effective because I use the bottle of my 18-year sherry barrel single malt scotch?