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You’ll Never Get Me To Snitch on My Boys To These Contact Tracers

In these unchill times, bros worldwide have been leaning on their dudes extra hard to make sense of shit. Between mask mandates, flavored Juul pod bans, and asshole managers at AutoZone, the boys are working overtime. But one thing’s for fuckin’ sure: you’ll never get me to rat out my fuckin’ guys to these so-called, “contact tracers.”

As we all know, the Coronavirus is an overblown hoax forced on us by the liberal ball bags who don’t run the government yet. But since I’m down a grandpa or two, I’ll at least be cautious and wear a mask below my nose. That’s the line, though. Take my one dude, Googy. I didn’t snitch on him when he stole my car so I’m damn sure not gonna rat him out for taking his pet snake on a walk through the mall.

So I get this phone call from a “contract tracer” and it shook me to my core. Some lib-cuck named Linda, from some call center somewhere probably affiliated with ISIS, starts telling me I’d been “exposed,” and asking what symptoms I got. Lady, I regularly smoke meth resin. I haven’t had a sense of smell since the Heath Ledger Batman movie came out, you think I give a fuck about symptoms?

We all weave tangled webs. And nowhere is that more true than with my crew. I can’t divulge secrets for obvious reasons, but it can get real-real, real fast.

Eh, screw it. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say, hypothetically, that Googy cheated on his girlfriend last month at the combination pool hall/laundromat. So what? And is it entirely possible that the girl he was tonsil-tonguing next to the TouchTunes machine was not only the shift leader at the Blimpie our boy D-Sac works at, but also his second cousin? Sure. Hypothetically. And did I happen to swing by after to share one of my famous meth-resin-fun dip baggies complete with glass dipping stick? Just ask the arresting officers.

Anyway, you try telling all that to some rando over the phone. Because, well, I made that mistake. Thanks to Linda, now I’m stuck contact tracing this so-called “chlamydia” all over town. Damn libs. Stay the fuck outta my business!