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How To Turn Your Regular-Spreader Event Into a Super-Spreader Event

Let’s face it, regular spreader events do not make front page news anymore. Those dum-dum journalists are just not interested in reporting “The Queen’s Gambit” watch party I had over the weekend despite most of us testing positive a week later. I guess, the media simply needs something a little more sensational to run. Like those increasingly popular superspreader events, for example.

I recently dug a little deeper to see how these superspreaders keep trending and picked up a few tricks for you to emulate on your own. Here’s what I learned.

Invite People Who Call It the “PanDUMBic”

One way to ruin your superspreader is by inviting a bunch of nerds who take precautions and practice social distancing. You’re going to want conspiracy theorists who somehow think this whole pandemic was made up by George Soros in order for Bill Gates to inject a vaccine filled with 5G directly into our bloodstream. These folks are guaranteed not to ruin your spreader event with masks. That’s for sure.

Make More “Essential” Friends
Truthers and anti-maskers are a great COVID “base” for your party, but remember the key word is “spread” here. They are the garlic and onions, but if you want a stew goin you need some front liners to spread the good germ. Food-service employees, delivery people, drivers, anyone still forced to interact physically with strangers. Those are your meat and spices.

Encourage Vaping
Not only does vaping look and smell completely awesome, it’s the perfect delivery vehicle for viruses! Pack your guests into tight, poorly ventilated quarters and watch the room fill with the sweet-sweet lung fresh water droplet fog that is a vape cloud.

Stay Out After 10pm
There’s a reason all these cities make their bars and restaurants close at 10 o’clock on the dot and that’s because this virus clearly does all its dirty work after hours.When the clock strikes 10pm, barricade everyone inside after that in order to maximize your chances of making this thing go “viral.”

Remember to Just Have Fun

No one sticks around a boring event. You’ll want to keep people entertained so they stay as long as possible. Make sure there’s plenty of booze and molly on hand to increase the likelihood of close contact interactions. That way they’re more likely to let loose and inadvertently spew infected air droplets directly into each other’s mouths. Go nuts!