LOS ANGELES — Yesterday’s discussion about polyamory between long-term couple Seth Roberts and Lindsey Wareheim came as a huge relief to Nick Siamas, the guy Wareheim has been fucking for the last eight months and currently hiding under the couple’s bed.
“It’s a huge weight off my chest. I mean, not literally — her boyfriend is pushing a box spring into my rib — but in the sense that we can finally have a mature relationship where no one has to stash snacks under the furniture in fear they’ll be stuck hiding there for hours,” said a nude and sweating Siamas, as he licked the frosted filling off an Oreo half that fell down there who knows how long ago. “I think her boyfriend is going to like me. I already know we have a lot in common from that one time I had to stay in his closet and spent the night looking through his high school yearbook. I hope he had a great summer that summer, too.”
Roberts believes his long-time girlfriend knew a major discussion between them was coming, due to her heavy breathing and frantic glances toward the floor.
“Once I explained that this wasn’t a breakup, but rather a new beginning where we’d be free to explore our desires, she took it remarkably well. Like, shockingly well,” said Roberts. “She had this excited glow — almost like she was getting turned on thinking about having threesomes with me and my dates. Am I a lucky man, or what? It’ll take time for her to adjust and find other men attractive again, but I hope she can awaken that side of herself, too.”
Only one member of the household appeared displeased about opening the relationship: Miss Piggy, the couples’ five-year-old Maine coon cat.
“Of course I’m not happy about it. For the past six months, I’ve had to deal with this random guy running wriggle-dicked into all my favorite spots, reeking of sex and panic. He’s in the closet, under the bed, in the cabinets, behind the shower curtain… where the hell am I supposed to sleep? Now we’re adding more people to this? Please,” said Miss Piggy, licking her paw. “I have a rotation of four strays and six neighborhood cats. My shit never gets this messy. Amateurs.”
The couple reportedly spent the rest of the evening updating their dating profiles and arguing over the correct, ethically non-monogamous approach to dating while Wareheim’s side piece gently nodded off beneath them.