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Lunch Worth More Than Hour of Labor

NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more than an hour of his labor, unsurprised courses confirmed.

“My normal Bacon 3 Cheesteak sub went up to $7.75 — that’s higher than New Hampshire minimum wage, and I don’t even get cheesy fries or a drink. I could get a smaller sandwich, but this is really gonna be the only thing I eat today, because I’m going straight to my second job from here and I won’t be able to eat dinner,” recounted Bennequist, still wearing his misspelled name tag. “My friends say I should make food at home, but going to the grocery store is like spending a day and a half’s pay all at once. Sometimes Newbury Comics or Spencer Gifts will throw out those edible gummy dicks; I could eat those for breakfast and hope that’s enough to keep me from passing out.”

Across the country, food prices continue to rise while wages stagnate at dirt-ass levels — an issue echoed at the management level as well.

“If I raise his pay, he’ll just want fancier things, like bigger sandwiches or health care,” complained Albert Schnell, Bennequist’s manager. “It’s not my problem whether or not my employees have the means to survive. They asked me to put snacks in the break room, but I ain’t running a charity — we’re a struggling, mom-and-pop Target, and we’re getting our asses handed to us by online retailers. He should be thankful we honor government-mandated breaks in the first place, but it’s not our job to make sure his belly is full. They want better wages, they can go get a job at the Piercing Pagoda.”

The rising cost of living has raised ethical questions about the treatment of the modern worker in capitalist America.

“It’s messed up that I’m worth more than the kid’s time,” explained the Bacon 3 Cheesteak. “I mean, I’m clearly not a gourmet meal — I’m mostly horsemeat and recycled light bulbs that were too toxic to go into a landfill. Frankly, more and more people can’t afford me and walk on by; I’m actually a three-week-old sandwich. That’s like, 107 in sandwich years. Maybe the system doesn’t work if Americans can’t afford to eat garbage.”

Bennequist later attempted to run to the bathroom, schedule a doctor’s appointment, and cash his $67 check all during his only 15-minute break of the day.