Alex Honnold Completes First Free Solo Ascent of PS5

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

YOSEMITE, Calif. — Rock climber Alex Honnold has shocked both the athletic and gaming worlds by completing the first free solo ascent of a PlayStation 5.

“The thing about the PS5 is that it’s big. So big, in fact, that someone could climb up it like a mountain. I know that sounds like a joke, but it’s not a joke at all; in fact, it’s actually what Alex did today and we’re incredibly impressed,” said rock climbing documentarian Jimmy Chin. “It’s undeniably a monumental feat and I’m excited that we were able to cover the climb as my next documentary feature coming out in winter 2021, titled Free to Solo.”

Honnold explained at a press conference today how he was able to complete the ascent.

“Free soloing PS5 was extraordinarily difficult, as it is slightly taller and steeper than El Cap,” Honnold explained. “There are a few tricky areas that were difficult to get past, but I spent months developing the path I would take. The hardest part was when I had to wedge my body into the crevice of the disc drive for about 25 minutes of climbing. It’s scary, because you know that if you make any mistake, that’s it — you’re dead, especially because the PS5 was on a big bookshelf. Not even the carpeted floor beneath would have saved me.”

According to Honnold’s wife, Sanni McCandless, the climb was especially scary for friends and family, who feared for Honnold’s life.

“I knew what I got into when I married Alex, but it’s just terrifying saying goodbye to him in the morning knowing that it could be the last time,” McCandless said. “I thought I was used to it when he just rock climbed. It’s far scarier knowing that he’s doing the same difficult free solos and he’s a gamer now. It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is the life he chooses for himself.”

At press time, Honnold was at a video game repair shop, trying to see if he could fix his PS5 after getting chalk all over it.

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An Open Letter To Guitar Teachers: Watching Pedal Demos Is Practice

Posted on by John Danek

Dear Guitar teachers of the world,

Who hurt you?

Every week, my guitar lesson starts off the same. I fumble my way into almost finishing a minor pentatonic scale and my teacher asks the same boring, old-person question: “Did you even practice last week?”

The answer is yes. I practiced for over 30 hours, according to my YouTube history. I told my guitar teacher I practiced acquiring the knowledge necessary to become a successful musician. He told me his rates were going up.

I declare that it’s time for guitar teachers of the world to accept the simple fact that watching people dick around with expensive effects pedals online is a valid form of practice! I’m sorry that this doesn’t align with your puritanical views on learning “the CAGED system,” or “sweep picking,” or “the fretboard.” Maybe you just didn’t get what the person I was watching was going for.

Why would I waste time learning the Phrygian mode when I can just get a Russian Big Muff Pi, plug it into a Strymon Timeline delay, then fart in the general direction of my guitar’s pickups? All that’s left to do is record that shit into Ableton, loop it while applying filters, and sit back while Pitchfork labels me Best New Music.

Meanwhile, you guitar teachers are setting students up for a lifetime of playing low-volume blues gigs while watching people shove brisket into their faces at the local brewery. Shameful.

Do you think guitarists backstage talk about whether they prefer a F#m7 or an F#m9? No. They like to intimidate each other with contrarian opinions like, “I actually always thought the TS-9 Tubescreamer sounds like ass, I prefer my Klon Centaur.” The language musicians use to communicate with each other is “pretension” not “theory.” That said, the two can often appear the same.

You tell us to study the works of Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, and Chet Atkins. I’m saying we should study Dan & Mick from That Pedal Show, the curly-haired guy from Reverb who doesn’t use a pick, and the smooth Wes Anderson-esque directorial stylings of Josh from JHS Effects. At least that stuff is fun.

Who even takes guitar lessons anymore? If you cared about your students’ futures in music, you’d teach them how to install an Antares Auto-Tune VST plugin. That will be around far longer than the guitar ever will.

Nobel Peace Prize Awarded to Only Person in Apartment Building Who Breaks Down Their Boxes

Posted on by John Danek

OSLO, Norway — The Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded their famed Nobel Peace Prize to Los Angeles resident Ned Thompson yesterday for his groundbreaking work in the field of conscientiously separating and folding cardboard boxes before throwing them away in apartment building recycle bins.

“In this especially difficult year of 2020, people worldwide set new standards of charity and mercy. But no candidate showed true selflessness like Ned Thompson, resident in apartment 2A of the Sunset Palms apartment complex,” announced Berit Reiss-Andersen, Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee. “He consistently cuts his bulky cardboard boxes into individual panels, and folds those too large to fit. Mr. Thompson has a deep understanding of volume and density as those concepts apply to recycle bin usage, despite his neighbors’ ignorance. May every human being on Earth learn from his example.”

Thompson graciously accepted one of the world’s most prestigious honors.

“I can’t say I was trying to make a statement or start a movement, but I really do wish more people would take the extra 10 seconds to break down their boxes. These recycling bins are small, and there are 16 units on this property,” said Thompson, who has received praise from the Dalai Lama, Oprah, and Greta Thunberg, to name a few. “Maybe I’m the only one ever doing it in my building, but I just want to be a good person in my daily life, you know? It’s a better world if we don’t leave our ATM and gas station receipts for the next person to fumble through, or if you pull up to the last possible spot on the curb, so more cars can park behind you.”

Critics claim that despite Thompson’s otherworldly compassionate spirit, those fighting the more widely-covered issues in 2020 may deserve the award.

“I treated literally hundreds of coronavirus patients in New York City starting in March… and to be a final nominee for the award, yet lose to Thompson?” wondered Dr. Wendy Lewitt, who works in the emergency room of New York Presbyterian Hospital. “I mean, I guess it makes sense — he doesn’t even get paid to break down boxes, so how can I claim to be any more deserving? I really can’t.”

The Norwegian Nobel Committee is allegedly considering Thompson for next year’s Peace Prize as well after multiple past exes confirmed that he will routinely go down on his partner and want nothing in return.

Why Wipe Your Ass With Paper When You Can Get a Bidet and Never Shut the Fuck up About It?

Posted on by John Danek

No economist could have predicted the year toilet paper had in 2020. There were weeks-long stretches when shelves were completely empty. But did you know that you could avoid the whole rat race by getting a bidet and never stop reminding people how fucking clean your asshole is?

It’s not enough to simply spend two days installing a bidet in your toilet and use it post-shit. You then must make sure to spread the Good Word to everyone in your life. Evangelize your loved ones. Make them understand that you care about their buttholes.

Bring it up during in-person conversations, social media discussions, and your best man speech at your brother’s wedding. It is your doody to subtly hint that you regularly get blasted up with a jet of water at the temperature of your choosing.

Some people only trust that their butt is shit-free by grinding down there with their fingers. These people are disgusting. They are subhuman. The only thing defending the underside of their fingernails from certain doom is a piece of paper about 3 atoms thick. Hasn’t technology achieved a point where we can move beyond fingering ourselves day in and day out? The robots should work for our taints, not the other way around. Why be quiet about such an important cause?

Make sure to loudly exclaim your displeasure anytime you use a bathroom outside of your home. “Excuse me, do you have another bathroom with a bidet? No? Oh that’s ok, I’ll just ‘prairie dog’ it until I get home.” Cancel vacation plans unless you’re going to Japan, the birthplace of automated pooper cleaning.

You can be at the forefront of normalizing pristine anus-based conversation. 20 years ago, no one would bring this up at brunch. Now? It’s totally chill to remind your mates about the unnaturally warm stream of water grazing your hole thrice daily between mimosa refills. We hear bidet ads on every podcast. Howard Stern stormed the beaches of butt talk with Squatty Potty ads; it is now our doody to continue fighting for his ideals.

Why stop at just talking about it? Here, sign my Change.org petition demanding Bumble add a “Bidet-owner” filter. Help me grow the r/Bidet subreddit. And please, tell Instagram to stop banning me for posting my immaculate fartbox on Stories.

Venue’s New “Unplugged” Series Has Nothing to Do With Inability to Pay Electric Bill

Posted on by Zach Russell

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local punk venue The Scab is hosting a new live-streamed “unplugged” series featuring bands performing acoustic versions of their most popular songs, which has “absolutely nothing” to do with the venue’s inability to pay their electric bill during COVID-19 shutdowns, candlelit sources confirmed.

“We’re thrilled to give bands the opportunity to showcase their songs in a completely stripped-down format,” said artistic liaison Lou Gibbins while striking a match to ignite an oil lamp hanging above his desk. “Pretty cool lantern, huh? I told my staff, if the bands are going unplugged, then so are we — we’ve taped over every outlet, installed torches in the hallways, and even rigged some pyrotechnics for the shows using all these mailings and letters Duke Energy keeps sending us as fuel. And the green room is fully stocked with classic, ‘unplugged’ amenities like playing cards, dice, knitting needles, a Monopoly set with most of the pieces missing, salted meats, and a wood-fired stove for warmth. We take care of our talent.”

“Once we figure out a way to connect to the internet we will be good to go,” he added.

However, during a tech run-through, Mail Skank lead vocalist Henry “Rot” Burns grew concerned.

“We’re down with the concept; some of my favorite ’90s shit is from ‘MTV Unplugged.’ But, fuck, dude… they gave me a megaphone and told our guitarist to ‘strum extra hard,’” Burns said while tripping down a step lit by a dying glowstick. “How is anyone even gonna see us? Look up at the stage lights — it’s, like, a dozen flashlights lashed together with twine. How is that going to work? Does this place even have power? The camera they planned on using to film the event is just an iPod, not an iPhone, an iPod. I don’t think it actually has the ability to film anything.”

Outside of the venue, Duke Energy billing clerk Darron Fields stomped around the parking lot while yelling at The Scab.

“I see the candelabra blazing in the second story window — I know you’re in there!” Fields screamed at the dark, abandoned-seeming venue. “You owe us nine grand, Gibbins. We’ve called. We’ve sent emails. I drag my sorry ass out here, and you pull this Miss Havisham shit? Your FICO is fucked, Gibbins! Fucked!”

At press time, Gibbins was reportedly seen on horseback, riding due east towards a turnip field to pick up lunch for the band.

NASA Announces That You Won’t Be Able to Play ‘Boktai’ Anymore After the Sun Dies

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

WASHINGTON — Confirming the inevitable circumstances that will eventually come to pass throughout our solar system, scientists at NASA headquarters confirmed in a press conference today that it will be impossible for humans to play Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand for the Game Boy Advance after the Sun dies.

“We’ve known for a while that the Sun is expected to run out of hydrogen and helium in about 5 billion years, effectively wiping out all natural life on Earth,” said researcher Dr. Kelly Masterson, displaying a slideshow graphic illustrating how the absence of sunlight will impact crops, ecosystems, and special translucent Game Boy Advance cartridges equipped with light sensors. “What we’ve been able to confirm in addition to these facts is that the eventual absence of sunlight will also render copies of Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand by Konami totally unplayable once players are unable to gather sunlight into Django’s Gun del Sol to kill the vampires in the game.”

Masterson noted with an air of humor that, although today’s humans won’t deal with this problem directly, this new information shows in vivid detail all of the ways the death of the sun will immediately impact life on Earth.

“Certainly, most humans will perish once the Sun dies, but the lucky ones who are able to burrow underground and subsist on heat from the Earth’s core will need a lot of video games to pass the time. We hope that our research will enable our descendants to prepare ahead of time and not be disappointed to discover that their Boktai cartridges are useless.”

At press time, Masterson concluded her presentation on a positive note, pointing out that the death of the Sun would not prevent gamers of the future from playing the Nintendo DS Boktai spin-off, Lunar Knights.

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5 Switch Games You Need to Play Before You Die, Which Will Be Soon!

Posted on by G. Smith

The Nintendo Switch has been around for a few years now, but you only have so much time in your life to play all of its amazing games. Just looking at the way things have been shaping up lately, there’s really no time like the present, is there? So here are 5 Switch games you just need to play before you die, because, you know, that’s probably gonna happen for all of us pretty soon!

5 – Super Mario Bros. 35

Remember all the fun you had as a kid playing Super Mario Bros. on the NES? Well, now you can play against 34 other people on all of those classic stages in Super Mario Bros. 35! It’s a great twist on a classic formula and a terrifying preview of the way future global resource scarcity will pit us against our fellow man. The only downside is that Nintendo is going to get rid of the game next March, but life is fleeting! What else is new? 

4 – Deadly Premonition 2: A Blessing in Disguise

This game is reminiscent of Twin Peaks and also has skateboarding elements – two aesthetic touchstones that are sure to remind any 90’s kids out there of simpler times when the world seemed full of hope! With its unique plot and setting in New Orleans right before Katrina, Deadly Premonition 2 is a great game and a somber reminder that people sometimes forget that tragedy is always right around the corner

3 – Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Here’s a fun game where you can control your life and make a perfect little oasis just for yourself in case you’re one of the millions of people in the world craving something, anything you can have control over. Sure, you might end up having to coexist with some annoying villagers, but we don’t always get what we expect in this life, do we?

2 – To The Moon

If you prefer indie games, To The Moon is a charming, emotional journey. It’s about these two doctor’s going into the memories of a dying man…actually, you know what, maybe let’s just skip this one.  

1 – Dragon Quest III

I know how hard it is to accept reality, but just take a look at Dragon Quest III. Remember how young you were when you first played it as a child? Back then it was called Dragon Warrior III. You would play all afternoon until it got dark and then mom would call you down for supper…but that was so long ago. Play through Dragon Quest III again on the Nintendo Switch if you want, but cherish every precious moment.

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Study Finds Wyoming Ranked 50th Amongst States Alphabetically

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

MADISON, Wis. — Lead scientists from the University of Wisconsin–Madison have found Wyoming to be ranked 50th amongst states alphabetically, according to an extensive study conducted by the school’s Department of Geography.

“We’ve analyzed all existing data available on the subject — from dictionaries and card catalogs, to atlases and alphabet songs — and cross-referenced the findings with our own experiments. The results are clear: Wyoming ranks dead last when the first letter of all states are compared alphabetically,” said department chair Dr. Jan Knapp, who co-authored the study published in The Geographic Journal. “We thought Wisconsin might be last, but our cold, hard data disproved this notion after months of research.”

Though the academic community has embraced the findings, not everyone agrees with the study’s conclusions.

“Wyoming isn’t last in anything. This is a hoax: a fake news hit job put on by the liberal academic left,” stated Wyoming Gov. Mark Gordon. “Next they’re going to tell us we’re the least populous state, or even the setting for 2005’s ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ You can’t believe everything you read these days!”

Despite the Governor’s words and the thousands of Wyoming residents and Parler users who echoed his sentiments, some locals accepted the 50th-place ranking.

“I mean, the ‘W-Y’ in ‘Wyoming’ is farther along in the alphabet than the ‘W-I’ in ‘Wisconsin,’ believe it or not. I only know this because I have a degree in library science, and this sort of thing is a big component of my job,” librarian Cheryl Lynne Brown of the Laramie County Library in Cheyenne, Wyo. said, as she pointed out the Sue Grafton alphabet mystery series. “You see, it goes: ‘T is for Trespass,’ ‘U is for Undertow,’ then comes ‘W is for Wasted.’ Case closed.”

“Now getting all the ‘New’ states in order, that’s up for debate — there are four of them and they all start with different letters,” she added. “I definitely don’t envy those researchers’ jobs.”

A petition to break the state into “North Wyoming” and “South Wyoming,” in an effort to improve the state’s alphabetical ranking, is now circulating on change.org with a total of over 10 signatures.

MTV Teams Up With Bangbus For Highly Controversial Reboot Of NEXT

Posted on by Kevin Tit

LOS ANGELES — MTV announced today a controversial new collaboration with the adult film production company Bangbus for a reboot of the early 2000s reality dating show “NEXT,” multiple Viacom executives confirmed.

“Reboots are all the rage right now, and we don’t want to miss out on this lucrative opportunity,” explained ViacomCBS CEO Robert Bakish. “‘NEXT’ was a fairly successful show when it originally aired, but after several focus groups, we’ve come to learn that the average viewer in 2020 believes the one thing we could do to make the show better is have all the contestants on the bus fornicate with each other for a pile of cash while they wait for their respective dates with the suitor. I know some people are worried about these changes, but I promise it will be very tasteful and respectful of the source material.”

Still, the announcement has received considerable backlash across social media.

“I used to watch ‘NEXT’ with my sorority sisters all the time — we’d laugh at all the cheesy puns and try to guess which one of the contestants had the biggest hog,” said 35-year-old lawyer Jennifer Anolte. “But that was all in good fun. I don’t actually want to see their hogs — someone needs to tell MTV that nobody wants to see their hogs. Now if they had done a ‘Teen Mom’ and ‘Big Sausage Pizza’ crossover, I’d watch.”

Nevertheless, the BangBus team is overjoyed about the collaboration.

“We get pretty excited on the regular around here, if you catch my drift… but this is truly some exciting news for us,” explained Bangbus Producer John “Long Dong” Silvers. “I remember that show being on TV in the background when I was making amatuer movies in college and thinking, ‘You know what would make this better? Fucking.’ Crazy how life comes at ya: one second you’re driving around looking to pick up a complete stranger who’s down to bone on camera, and the next second, MTV is knocking on your passenger side door offering you $6.9 million. God is good.”

The “NEXT” bus was last seen careening off the road and crashing into Echo Park Lake due to the driver being “too distracted.” Everybody on board was killed.

Bernie Sanders Hits Appalachian Trail with Acoustic Guitar and Enough Food to Last Until January

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

SPRINGER MOUNTAIN, Ga. — U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders embarked upon a journey of self-discovery and healing amidst his terrible heartbreak this autumn by hiking the Appalachian Trail, a handwritten note on his kitchen table confirmed.

“I knew it wasn’t going to be me when I broke it off, but it hurts pretty bad to think about Joe Biden standing up there taking America by its beautiful, calloused hand,” the note read. “That should be me vowing to protect vulnerable citizens and promising to make the American economy more equitable. I made a mistake, but it’s too late now. I guess I’ll grab my Taylor, some extra nylon strings and go for a walk until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

According to those who have come across Sanders on the trail, he’s a “sad husk of his vibrant, outgoing self.”

“I ran into this guy playing the most solemn cover of ‘Lust for Life’ I’d ever heard by a fire, followed by some originals about socialized healthcare and canceling student debt, but they were really, really slow,” remarked LeRoy Swandol between long sips from his pocket flask after encountering Sanders near Shenandoah, Va. “I had no idea songs about progressive ideology could make me so emotional. I wept when he played one about campaign finance reform — it really felt like that guy was trying to work something out.”

Sanders even allegedly bummed out the most elusive cryptid of all time: Bigfoot.

“I’ve been feeling the Bern as much as any other woodland creature, but Bernie was freaking me the fuck out when I met him,” said a clearly shaken sasquatch who preferred to remain anonymous. “One day, he just walked into my den and offered me some coffee and a handful of granola that might as well have been bark; then, he started telling me Biden and Harris don’t even plan on reforming the for-profit prison industry or addressing educational inequality in urban and rural areas. When he got out his guitar and 4-track because he had a song idea, I said I’d go get my drums and never looked back. That guy is too sad to be around.”

In a second note found on the trail, Sanders vowed to return to society after the inauguration because “the pain of seeing the love of his life in the arms of another man would be too much to bear.”