Man Places $7 in Fridge Each Time He Grabs a Beer to Replicate Concert Experience

Posted on by Tyler Roland

EVANSTON, Ill. — Local man Ryan Michaelson began a new ritual last October, placing $7 in his fridge each time he gets up for a beer to replicate vastly overpaying for drinks at concerts and festivals, concerned sources confirmed.

“It just totally made sense,” said Michaelson after walking four blocks to an ATM to get cash for his fridge. “I’ve been watching livestream concerts for a while now, but even those have been missing that little extra zing… so I decided to try slipping the fridge the amount of money I’d usually pay for a drink in between sets. It worked like a charm; I felt connected to live music in a way that I haven’t felt all year. The only thing that was missing was a person to knock the beer out of my hands 10 seconds after I bought it. Baby steps.”

Michaelson’s fiancée Wynter Andrews doesn’t consider the practice appropriate.

“I mean, yeah, it was a little funny to me at first… but when I tried to take $35 out to thaw the other day, he insisted we keep it in the fridge for a drink fund when he can start going to real shows again,” said Andrews while moving an alarmingly large stack of cash to the vegetable crisper. “I know he really misses live music, but he’s always yelling ‘shut up and play’ at his laptop while I’m trying to re-watch ‘Bridgerton,’ and the other day he asked me to go work out, get really sweaty, and just rub up against his arm. It’s weird.”

Concert analyst Estelle Kirby believes that this seemingly eccentric act is not just an isolated practice.

“All across the nation, we see veteran concertgoers trying to replicate that fabled, ear-splitting experience in unorthodox ways,” said Kirby. “Whether it’s standing outside their own bathrooms for 20 minutes before going in, crafting those impossible-to-get-off wristbands to wear out of superglue and construction paper, or just carrying around a piece of merch for two hours with no place to safely put it down.”

“These people need traditional concerts back up and running,” Kirby concluded.

Michaelson was later seen parking his car in a spot half-an-hour’s walk from his friend’s apartment and taping $45 to the parking meter for the privilege.

Facebook Content Flagging Feature Prevents Grindcore Fan From Ever Posting Their Favorite Bands

Posted on by Jay Shingle

ERIE, Pa. — Self-proclaimed grindcore aficionado Eduard Riva has vanished from the internet in recent months, as Facebook’s content flagging protocols continue to catch and block the majority of their online activity discussing the genre’s major players, sources within their social media circles confirmed.

“My online identity has essentially been erased,” Riva claimed while adjusting their unevenly set septum ring. “My last three posts were all taken down because they were about Pig Destroyer, Anal Cunt, and Fuck the Facts. In the case of Fuck the Facts, you think Facebook would be more than willing to let that slide based on what they’ve allowed in the past. I even tried using special characters, but ‘C1rc7e 0f De4d C1i7dren’ was still taken down. If they’re doing this to grindcore bands, then just try to imagine what’s happening to fans of extreme death metal.”

Riva’s friends are concerned that the “genre’s biggest fan” is going through something that is keeping them distracted from their usual online chatter.

“I haven’t really known what to listen to lately. Eduard used to post videos and recommendations twice a day — yeah, lots of the YouTube thumbnails were pretty fucked up images, especially the Cripple Bastards cover for ‘Almost Human,’ but I don’t think it’s fair for Facebook to make those judgment calls,” longtime internet friend Susanna Friedemann said as Hatebeak blared in the background. “Eduard always had the best grindcore takes, and I’m hoping this absence from social media just means they are taking some time to come back with some really special commentary.”

Facebook users aren’t the only ones who lament how the new effort has affected fans’ abilities to talk about brutal bands online.

“There are a lot of things to be embarrassed about these days working for Facebook, and this is one of them,” said senior programmer “Grinder,” who requested to remain anonymous to protect his job at the company. “I tried to bring these issues up with coworkers in one of the central meanings surrounding content flagging, but I was outvoted by the large majority of them who like Top 40 shit and have no idea about the realities of committing yourself to raw, gutpunching music. In an era where online marketing and distribution are the keys to any band’s success, the future for grindcore looks bleak.”

Riva has also been permanently banned from Twitter after posting Assück lyrics under a friend’s wedding announcement.

Study Finds Masks Reduce Toddler Nose Theft by 85%

Posted on by Emma Jonas

MORGANTOWN, W.V. — A new study conducted by researchers at West Virginia University found that toddler nose theft has dropped by 85% in the U.S. since the implementation of widespread mask mandates.

“We are seeing something unprecedented: a generation of children whose development will be largely unaffected by nose theft, cheek pinching, or objects being mysteriously pulled from within their ears,” said Dr. Levy Chakari, a sociologist and pediatrician who oversaw the study. “The psychological effects are sure to be fascinating when they surface later. Even now, we’re seeing signs that toddlers are not developing the pleasure centers associated with slapstick and physical comedy in their lower frontal lobes.”

Evelyn Warner, whose twins Stefan and Mimi Warner will turn three later this year, said her youngest are already indicating that their development is different than that of older children.

“It’s like if they can’t do toddler things, they’re not going to bother with toddlerhood,” the fatigued mother said over the sound of the twins’ favorite television series, “Bones.” “They even roll their eyes at peek-a-boo. So I’ve had to get creative to teach them object permanence: I let them help me with my tax returns to show them how the money still exists, even if they can’t see it for a while. At least I don’t have to hear ‘Baby Shark’ anymore… though I am getting tired of them demanding to hear Mumford & Sons.”

Criminologist Marianne Carson-Batherson said the study has provoked mixed criticism within her field.

“Nobody wants to say there is a ‘good’ version of any crime in our society,” Carson-Batherson said. “But the fact is, among people currently as young as four and five years old, the overwhelming majority have been subject to repeated nose theft. These people share a similar cultural basis for humor from a young age, which in itself is neither objectively good nor bad — you get both ‘The Great Dictator’ and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ from this pool. With such a massive reduction in numbers, who’s to say we won’t grow up with a generation of unfunny hacks at best, if not total downers?”

“Then again, maybe we should finally do away with old guys touching kids’ faces anytime they run out of material,” she added. “That’s objectively kinda weird, pandemic or no.”

We Got Drunk in an Old Boxcar and Pitchfork Gave Us a 9.4 For Some Reason

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay so this is all still a bit strange, and frankly we’re still very hungover, but let us give you a little bit of background to start. We at The Hard Times take our jobs very seriously, reporting on the most important punk stories for you, our readers. So at the end of the day we like to unwind in the traditional way, by shotgunning a few cases of Milwaukee’s Best Ice in an abandoned rail yard.

Well, apparently we blacked out pretty hard after last night’s happy hour because after we woke up we found that Pitchfork had written a glowing review hailing us as “the voice of our generation” despite the fact that we don’t seem to have actually recorded anything.

None of us can even play any instruments. One of our temps did start playing bass briefly, but she was quickly recruited as a touring member for the Smashing Pumpkins and quit. No one here has any musical ability whatsoever, which made it all the more confusing when Pitchfork credited us with “reinventing modern song structure” and “smiting the aged guitar gods on the former Mt. Olympus of rock,” whatever the goddamn fuck that is.

When we read further into the review, mostly just to figure out if we had drunk texted any of our exes, we found that Pitchfork had called us “brash, yet copacetic,” and also “sentimental, like a bunch daisies that got set on fire and then put out with the tears of a sad magician.” We’re not entirely sure what that means, but according to a slew of enraged voicemails from our past partners apparently they hit it spot on.

The only issue that Pitchfork seemed to take with whatever happened while we were vomiting out of a boxcar was that we “lacked the perspicacity pursuant to the zeitgeists regalia.” Now we’re pretty sure they made up most of those words, but it just sounds bad. We didn’t try to pick a fight with Alternative Press again did we? Did we?!

So where do we go from here? Next week we’re all smoking peyote at Joshua Tree, so we look forward to reading what Pitchfork’s editors think of that. Sure hope we can evolve our… whatever it is we did.

Punk Looking for Someone to Sublet Couch He’s Been Sleeping On

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

NEW YORK — Local punk Brandon Hall listed the friend’s couch he’s been crashing on as available for rent in the sublets/temporary category on Craigslist yesterday, according to irritated sources.

“The couch is perfect if you’re in between girlfriends, and there’s shared access to the bathroom, the fridge, and my PS5,” the post read. “I’d like to clarify that it is a couch, not a futon, so it’s priced fairly, and the human head-sized stain has been reflected in that price. The couch is long enough to fit an average male body, so your head’s not dangling off the arm rest. I can also leave my toothbrush for your use, which has never been used, and the squatty potty, which has been used a lot.”

“There is a gaming chair next to the couch where residents are known to play well into the early morning hours, and I ask that this subletter be 420 friendly and have no other overnight visitors,” the post concluded.

Kyle Mendoza, the couch’s rightful owner, was irritated but not surprised by Hall’s entrepreneurial effort.

“Brandon’s been crashing on my couch since late last summer when he lost his job. I did my best to help out a friend during a crazy time, but he’s taken this mutual aid thing way too far,” Mendoza explained. “So far he’s ruined three dates, lost my cat, and likely cost me my security deposit with his ‘DIY window treatment’ project that just left duct tape residue all over my entire wall, somehow. Also, he doesn’t pay me anything to sleep on it, so I’m not sure why he keeps saying he’s just trying to ‘recoup his losses.’ I just hope be gets vaccinated soon so I can kick him the fuck out and not feel too bad about it.”

Despite the generally off-putting and unreasonable offer, hundreds of prospective renters in the NYC area have already replied.

“I’ve been looking for a place to sleep off my hangovers, and this couch has everything: cushions, arm rests, a nice lived-in feel… it’s top of my list right now. Second is an abandoned car, but my landlord would be a raccoon,” said potential subletter Tyler Cory. “It reminds me of the couch that I got my first mouth hickey on. I had a good feeling about our initial email correspondence, but a beauty like this doesn’t last long, not in this town anyway. Fingers crossed.”

For those interested, Hall is showing the couch this week and next week, any time after 11 p.m.

Being in Coworker’s Car Really Weird

Posted on by Ryan Danley

CHICAGO — Local data analyst Jeanie Alvarez joined his coworker for a ride in her car last week, leaving him with an unexpected, everlasting feeling of dread and uneasiness.

“I needed to pick up my car at the shop, and I was stoked that my work friend Matt (Speare) offered me a ride — we’ve worked together for years but never hung out. But quickly I realized I had no idea who this person was: I’ve been working next to someone who uses a creamsicle air freshener all these years? It felt like the Willy Wonka tunnel,” said a clearly startled Alvarez. “It was a peek behind some weird curtains. His car had strange trash in it: Big Bite boxes were strewn about, and there was a smashed hard pack of Kool Filter Kings. And to top it off, he was listening to an Ozzy CD. The man with a ‘Cats in Tuxedos’ desk calendar listens to ‘Blizzard of Ozz?’ It’s like everything I know is a lie.”

Even with Alvarez trying to play it cool, Speare still felt the tension.

“I was more than happy to give Jeanie a ride, but when she got in the car it just felt wrong. She’s usually really talkative, but it got dead quiet and it looked like she was sweating a lot. I tried to make small talk — even making fun of that jerk Bret in HR — but outside of the office, it all just felt awkward,” said Speare. “The only thing that really broke the ice was my music: she was so surprised that I was into metal. Thankfully that filled the time, but I hope she doesn’t want to be friends. I can’t do this again.”

While this event seems extreme, Howard University sociology professor Dr. Paul Grissom stressed that this is very common.

“Many famed work relationships have struggled in the real world: Laurel and Hardy were not real-life friends, and the ‘Mythbusters’ guys actually don’t like each other. And of course the heartbreaking tale of Mötley Crüe not even saying goodbye to each other after their last show,” said Grissom. “The good news is, studies show that these boundaries are healthy. Imagine going out to grab a drink and discovering a coworker is a fan of later Metallica records. I couldn’t work with someone like that.”

Alvarez was unable for further comment, as she was still recovering from the “horror show” inside her neighbor’s apartment after agreeing to feed their cats for the weekend.

I Don’t Care My Baby’s Gender, as Long as It’s Healthy and Can Make Me Instagram Famous

Posted on by Bobby Korec

My partner and I are incredibly excited to announce that we are having a baby! And before you ask the question, we don’t care about the baby’s gender as long as it’s healthy and can make us Instagram superstars.

As many will tell you, being an influencer is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. You have to use proper lighting, write the perfect caption, and of course give birth to a child who has no idea they’re about to become a pawn in their parents’ social media presence.

Boy? Girl? Honestly, who gives a shit? They’re all the same to me. I just need something that’s not too high maintenance, so I can focus on building my online brand. I mean, we haven’t really thought about names yet either, but I feel like that’ll just work itself out at some point.

Anyway, as many of my friends know, my partner and I have been trying for years to conceive an online following. We even tried a whole bunch of other types of influencer gimmicks too. We experimented with travel photos, nature photography, and even memes stolen from more successful meme accounts that we passed off as our own, but they all turned out to be way too much work to maintain. Having a child is going to make things so easy for us, and not to mention save our otherwise failing marriage.

The second we found out we were having a kid I immediately pivoted my 87-follower IG account to exclusively wholesome parenting content. By golly, I already got two new followers. Sure, they were clearly fake accounts posing as hot girls to get me to give them my credit card information or something, but a follow is a follow. That’s what’s important.

Also, I guess I could stick with my regular job, but why work 80 hours a week making minimum wage to still live below the poverty line when you can just become an influencer and make six figures a year posting bullshit online. And you don’t need to go into crippling student loan debt either. Sounds like good old fashioned capitalism is to blame for forcing me to make this choice. Maybe fix the failing economic system, so I won’t have to rely on exploiting my child for likes and hollow monetary endorsements. Happy posting!

Hot Guy Playing Bass Must Really Suck at Singing

Posted on by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local man and stunningly handsome bassist for local indie band Onion Powder, Trevor Anderson, must be absolutely terrible at singing per his non-frontman status, according to disappointed sources.

“That’s the only explanation that makes sense,” said Christine Soong, an attendee at a recent gig. “I mean, look at him. He’s gorgeous. For a guy that hot to be parked all the way on the side of the stage, he must sound like a pubescent Bob Dylan. If he was even half as good at singing as their current frontman, you figure they’d make the switch. This isn’t opera. They know what the people want to see.”

The band’s lead singer, Levi Garfield, confirmed the speculation about Anderson’s inability to sing.

“Obviously, Trevor is much better-looking than the rest of us,” said Garfield. “But he can’t carry a tune to save his life. We tried every excuse to get him in front of the mic: harmonizing, spoken word, lip-syncing. Nothing worked. We almost disbanded, but since I had all those years of voice lessons, song writing, and technical guitar-playing ability, we decided to give it a shot with me singing. And Trevor, to his credit, is more than happy to play bass. He sucks at that, too, but who’s gonna notice?”

Sally Sosnowski claimed that Onion Powder’s imbalance of talent and sex appeal often poses a problem for venue owners like her.

“People see the poster and assume that the hottest person in the band is the frontman. Then when it turns out to be the bassist, or God forbid, the drummer, they get really pissed and demand a refund,” Sosnowski explained. “For a while, we stopped booking those types of bands because it just wasn’t worth the damage to our reputation. But now, if we’re honest and upfront about it and we give out a lot of free drinks, it seems to work out okay. We can even charge extra to stand on the hot person’s side of the room.”

At press time, the average-looking members of Onion Powder considered dropping Anderson from the band so that audiences would assume that they are “nice guys whose music must be really, really good.”

Elon Musk Admits He Wants to Travel to Mars Because No One Hates Him There Yet

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AUSTIN, Texas — Wiping tears from his eyes at a recent press conference, SpaceX CEO Elon Musk revealed that the reason he’s so keen on traveling to Mars is not for the potential benefits to science, but because it’s the one place he can think of where no one hates him yet.

“I thought that if I just kept making money, I could become epic… turns out I’m not as epic as I thought I was,” Musk explained at the press conference. “Ever since I was bullied as a kid just because my dad owned a South African emerald mine during apartheid, I knew I wanted to get revenge by being the richest, coolest guy in the world. That’s why I spend my time making cool jokes and being a stonk lord on the interwebs. But people still hate me! When I saw that hilonklious meme about that blue guy on Mars, it gave me the idea to go myself. I’m tired of Earth. These people. Time to yeet myself to freaking Mars!”

“Because it’s really tough to find a place where no one hates me,” Musk continued. “I tried building a little Fortress of Solitude for myself in Antarctica — like a little someone named Superman, ever heard of him? — but I quickly angered a group of penguins after I called one a pedophile because he stole a fish I wanted to eat.”

Fans have been split on the announcement, with those generally against Musk criticizing it and those who generally favor Musk praising it.

“You simply cannot cover up rampant greed, shitty work environments, transphobic comments, and a general online cruelty with the occasional meme,” said an anti-Musk commenter. “Hell, he’s just getting them from the same subreddits we use anyway, so it’s not like it’s particularly novel.”

“I would literally die for the Musk God,” said a pro-Musk commenter, on the other hand. “I would jump in front of a bullet for him. Even if he was the one who shot the gun, as he so often is. I would die for you, sir. Please let me be your blood boy!!!”

At press time, SpaceX announced they were changing course, however. According to a statement it released, the company is now working to send a spaceship to Jupiter instead of Mars, after Mars Perseverance rover sent a message to NASA of just a photo of Musk with infamous human trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell.

Scientists Confirm Drinking Eight Glasses of Water A Day is Hardest Thing You Will Ever Do

Posted on by Meg Scanlon

LOS ANGELES — A years-long study by scientists at UCLA has proved once and for all that drinking eight glasses of water a day is harder than anything else you will ever experience in your life.

“Drinking 64 ounces of water daily supports vital functions in the body: it aids digestion and can make your headaches disappear. But only 7% of the population are able to complete this Herculean task each day,” said world renowned hydrologist Dr. Pierre LaTrobe. “We polled adults who had recently passed kidney stones the size of marbles, and they admitted it was not only easier than drinking eight glasses of water a day, but it was preferred.”

Kaley Plass, who works full time and is getting her masters degree in economics at night, wakes with a mixture of shame and dread each morning knowing she is expected to nearly drown herself for the sake of proper hydration.

“I purchased a 32-ounce wide-mouth Nalgene water bottle to carry in my tote, and every evening when I get home, those last 11-13 ounces of lukewarm water slosh around that blue bottle taunting me,” said Plass while doing breathing exercises to help expand her stomach. “I was able to graduate college in three years, get into my first choice grad school and was awarded Employee of the Year last year, but water is my true kryptonite. If you told me that I could get the same health benefits from smashing my face into broken glass once a day over drinking that much water, I’d choose the broken glass every time. It’s not even close.”

Even Poseiden, God of the Sea, agreed that this is a surprisingly hard goal to achieve.

“One would think water is abundant and free and comes right out of your tap, so you’d drink a lot of it. Not so. Coffee, frappuccinos, Diet Coke, oat milk and pinot grigio win out every time,” remarked Poseiden, oblivious that a Starbucks gift card was peeking out of his shell-shaped tote bag. “I’ve done all I can to make water cool, but since it doesn’t have any flavor, there isn’t much more I can do. And if I’m going to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, some days even I don’t drink enough water. Running to the bathroom every hour is such a hassle.”

Following the positive reaction to the study, researchers are shifting their focus to prove that not a single person in history has ever eaten the recommended 5-9 servings of vegetables in a single day.