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Hot Guy Playing Bass Must Really Suck at Singing

PHILADELPHIA — Local man and stunningly handsome bassist for local indie band Onion Powder, Trevor Anderson, must be absolutely terrible at singing per his non-frontman status, according to disappointed sources.

“That’s the only explanation that makes sense,” said Christine Soong, an attendee at a recent gig. “I mean, look at him. He’s gorgeous. For a guy that hot to be parked all the way on the side of the stage, he must sound like a pubescent Bob Dylan. If he was even half as good at singing as their current frontman, you figure they’d make the switch. This isn’t opera. They know what the people want to see.”

The band’s lead singer, Levi Garfield, confirmed the speculation about Anderson’s inability to sing.

“Obviously, Trevor is much better-looking than the rest of us,” said Garfield. “But he can’t carry a tune to save his life. We tried every excuse to get him in front of the mic: harmonizing, spoken word, lip-syncing. Nothing worked. We almost disbanded, but since I had all those years of voice lessons, song writing, and technical guitar-playing ability, we decided to give it a shot with me singing. And Trevor, to his credit, is more than happy to play bass. He sucks at that, too, but who’s gonna notice?”

Sally Sosnowski claimed that Onion Powder’s imbalance of talent and sex appeal often poses a problem for venue owners like her.

“People see the poster and assume that the hottest person in the band is the frontman. Then when it turns out to be the bassist, or God forbid, the drummer, they get really pissed and demand a refund,” Sosnowski explained. “For a while, we stopped booking those types of bands because it just wasn’t worth the damage to our reputation. But now, if we’re honest and upfront about it and we give out a lot of free drinks, it seems to work out okay. We can even charge extra to stand on the hot person’s side of the room.”

At press time, the average-looking members of Onion Powder considered dropping Anderson from the band so that audiences would assume that they are “nice guys whose music must be really, really good.”