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Scientists Confirm Drinking Eight Glasses of Water A Day is Hardest Thing You Will Ever Do

LOS ANGELES — A years-long study by scientists at UCLA has proved once and for all that drinking eight glasses of water a day is harder than anything else you will ever experience in your life.

“Drinking 64 ounces of water daily supports vital functions in the body: it aids digestion and can make your headaches disappear. But only 7% of the population are able to complete this Herculean task each day,” said world renowned hydrologist Dr. Pierre LaTrobe. “We polled adults who had recently passed kidney stones the size of marbles, and they admitted it was not only easier than drinking eight glasses of water a day, but it was preferred.”

Kaley Plass, who works full time and is getting her masters degree in economics at night, wakes with a mixture of shame and dread each morning knowing she is expected to nearly drown herself for the sake of proper hydration.

“I purchased a 32-ounce wide-mouth Nalgene water bottle to carry in my tote, and every evening when I get home, those last 11-13 ounces of lukewarm water slosh around that blue bottle taunting me,” said Plass while doing breathing exercises to help expand her stomach. “I was able to graduate college in three years, get into my first choice grad school and was awarded Employee of the Year last year, but water is my true kryptonite. If you told me that I could get the same health benefits from smashing my face into broken glass once a day over drinking that much water, I’d choose the broken glass every time. It’s not even close.”

Even Poseiden, God of the Sea, agreed that this is a surprisingly hard goal to achieve.

“One would think water is abundant and free and comes right out of your tap, so you’d drink a lot of it. Not so. Coffee, frappuccinos, Diet Coke, oat milk and pinot grigio win out every time,” remarked Poseiden, oblivious that a Starbucks gift card was peeking out of his shell-shaped tote bag. “I’ve done all I can to make water cool, but since it doesn’t have any flavor, there isn’t much more I can do. And if I’m going to make a searching and fearless moral inventory, some days even I don’t drink enough water. Running to the bathroom every hour is such a hassle.”

Following the positive reaction to the study, researchers are shifting their focus to prove that not a single person in history has ever eaten the recommended 5-9 servings of vegetables in a single day.