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I Don’t Care My Baby’s Gender, as Long as It’s Healthy and Can Make Me Instagram Famous

My partner and I are incredibly excited to announce that we are having a baby! And before you ask the question, we don’t care about the baby’s gender as long as it’s healthy and can make us Instagram superstars.

As many will tell you, being an influencer is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. You have to use proper lighting, write the perfect caption, and of course give birth to a child who has no idea they’re about to become a pawn in their parents’ social media presence.

Boy? Girl? Honestly, who gives a shit? They’re all the same to me. I just need something that’s not too high maintenance, so I can focus on building my online brand. I mean, we haven’t really thought about names yet either, but I feel like that’ll just work itself out at some point.

Anyway, as many of my friends know, my partner and I have been trying for years to conceive an online following. We even tried a whole bunch of other types of influencer gimmicks too. We experimented with travel photos, nature photography, and even memes stolen from more successful meme accounts that we passed off as our own, but they all turned out to be way too much work to maintain. Having a child is going to make things so easy for us, and not to mention save our otherwise failing marriage.

The second we found out we were having a kid I immediately pivoted my 87-follower IG account to exclusively wholesome parenting content. By golly, I already got two new followers. Sure, they were clearly fake accounts posing as hot girls to get me to give them my credit card information or something, but a follow is a follow. That’s what’s important.

Also, I guess I could stick with my regular job, but why work 80 hours a week making minimum wage to still live below the poverty line when you can just become an influencer and make six figures a year posting bullshit online. And you don’t need to go into crippling student loan debt either. Sounds like good old fashioned capitalism is to blame for forcing me to make this choice. Maybe fix the failing economic system, so I won’t have to rely on exploiting my child for likes and hollow monetary endorsements. Happy posting!